Surviving an Affair Online Support Group

Surviving Adultery Online Support Group

Now Open!

I've had a few different people emailing me looking for support. And while I am here primarily to give support to anyone looking for it, I think there would be a lot of benefit for people who are going through this process to support each other.

I hope you'll take a look at the forum and feel free to pop in and introduce yourself. Aliases are welcomed.

This forum is for people to support each other in trying to save their marriage, and healing and recovery after having an affair. This is not for encouraging people to stay in an adulterous relationship. It can, however, be used to support someone starting over after leaving a relationship after adultery.

Here are the forums. And let me first say that some of these forums are password protected so in order for you to gain access to that specific area you must email me. All of the forums require membership to be able to post, some only allow members to read posts.

Main Chat: Anyone can read this, but in order to write a post or respond to a post you must submit an application for membership to the board. This is for any random posts and questions that don't fit elsewhere.

The Discovery: This is for people who have recently found out their partner/spouse is cheating. Support for them through the first storms of emotional chaos. Husband will be the main active participant in this one, having gone through this himself. Only members and read and post.

You've Been Discovered: This is for people who have recently had their affair come to light and are dealing with the confusing mix of emotions and the questions that go along with them. Only members can read and post.

Marriage Support: This forum is to help people strengthen their marriage/relationship once they've decided to remain together and have survived the initial destruction of discovery. Anyone can read, only members can post.

In the Midst of the Affair: This is for people still involved in their affair that would like to stop leading the double life. Supporting them in dealing with the turmoil that comes with leading a double life and help in gaining the courage to confess and stop. This forum is password protected for reading and posting.

-Scarlett Hester

My Emotional Basement

This began as an email to my best friend, but as usual, I chickened out and didn't send it. She wouldn't mind me sending it, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. So I'm blogging it. And let me note here that she and I have never had a fight in our entire friendship. Ever.

Lately we have had little tiffs, or more accurately it seems like she has been getting upset with me. For instance she was trying to conceive her 3rd child and wasn't getting pregnant right away, and by right away I mean the first few months. On the other hand I'm not trying to get pregnant but Husband and I aren't 100% careful all the time. I would say we're mostly careful but sometimes there could be a slight chance I could potentially get pregnant (and I mean slight because I had to take clomid just to conceive my first two). So I'm also pretty irregular with my cycle, so during her attempting conception months I would be late and wonder if by some weird glitch, I was pregnant.

Finally she yelled at me when I would wonder if I should test, she was really mad. I felt that was incredibly unfair. She'd only been trying for a few months, its not like she has fertility issues. I work with a woman who took 4 years and 1 miscarriage to conceive. That is trouble conceiving. I just bottled up my feelings. I didn't say anything. I told her it wasn't like I was a crack whore mom getting knocked up with my 8th kid I never wanted.

Then after she did become pregnant and we'd talk on the phone, I'd say something like, "I wish we were pregnant together." Because our first two we were. I miss sharing that. So one day she tells me she felt like her pregnancy has put a strain on our friendship, that she felt like she couldn't share things with me. That floored me. I didn't know what to say besides "how on earth could you ever think that??" She and I have been best friends for 16 years, she has been a constant in life and she is one of the people I love most in the world. Her saying that really pushed me into a sadness I had been ignoring.

We talked about it briefly and we decided that we just need to make phone dates and talk more. That the lack of talking as much was what was causing the strain.

Then tonight she was talking about her big ultrasound coming up. I couldn't remember if they knew the gender from her previous ultra sound or not. I felt like in the back of my head I remembered, but I opened my stupid mouth and professed I didn't-at which point she yelled at me and told me now she was really mad at me. I do remember now her telling me she went and bought something pink...

I shut down. I just was like, "Dude, I don't remember crap these days." and she said something like I better not, I better be that flighty, and all I wanted to do was hang up the phone and cry.

I guess I could have said something on the phone, I don't know. I just don't have the capacity to deal well with anyone yelling at me anymore. I let shit behind my back slide off (like at work with the psycho drama co-worker boss harassment weirdness) but I can't deal with it up front. I think I spent so much of my energy surviving the affair and the emotions that came with it, that I don't have much left over to control. So I shove them into the basement and hope they'll go away. And they never do. They stay down there and get angrier and darker and more sad.

Am I such a bad friend :( it makes me want to cry... I almost did, I still may. I have so much crap clogging my head, trying to remember so many things, things that don't matter like work crap, I just don't seem to have any room left. I sometimes can't tell the difference between something that happened in a dream and something that happened for real. I'm tired and stressed and I live in a shoebox and I'm fighting depression-situational depression.

And always, one of the things that has terrified me most is the thought of losing her. She has always loved me regardless... maybe that is what I'm afraid of. That she doesn't love me as much.

I am just so sad right now. And the Big Bad is taking advantage of this, starting to whisper old memories in my head... the things I want to forget. Its not plaguing me like in the early days, but I'm afraid they will start to. I'm not sure what to do. I know that clearly I should talk to her, but for some reason I'm just afraid to do so. Perhaps I'm afraid the crap will burst out of the basement and do irreparable harm some how. I'm not sure. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

An Interesting Study About Why Men Cheat.

This week I read an article about why men cheat, it despelled the age old idea that men cheat for physical/sexual gratification and women are the ones who cheat for emotional reasons. The researcher said almost all of the research was based on the wives reports on their husbands cheating, so they asked the men and here is what they found.

48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.

So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about physical intimacy: Only 8 percent of men said that physical dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity.

That little percentage surprised me. It reminded me of the book I'm reading called Adultery, by Louise DeSalvo. She had this to say, its not completely related, but it still made me think of this. She talks about how she was before she met her husband, wild, passionate, crazy and sexy. Then they got married and she changed, became responsible, made casseroles and cookies and had babies and took care of babies. But she wasn't who he married.

This to me sounds like the story of many women. They throw themselves away to provide and give and care for everyone but themselves. Their essence disappears. She felt this was a factor that contributed to her husband having an affair, but I think this could have just as easily contributed to her having one. Because you start to miss yourself, and when you find someone that you feel sees you-really sees you, and you start feeling like your old self again...well that is the beginning. Or in my unresearched opinion it is.

Now back to the study.

66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.

40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.

Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife

I found this particularly interesting, and it was also true for me too. My Other wasn't nearly as good looking as Husband. I guess that lends to the whole, "its not about sex" thing.

In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void

Only 6% of cheating men had physical intimacy with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.

Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated.

So, there is time to see the signs. Time for fixing. My hope is that maybe there is some way for me to help stop those who are walking down the path of adultery, if that is possible. Duh, its possible, but the straying party needs to want to stop and in my opinion the part of them that doesn't want to stop is stronger than the voice screaming in their head to stop. But that is why stopping the affair ASAP is like jumping into a cold lake, you just close your eyes, run, and jump-you have to tell the truth. The alternative is much more painful.

SO if you suspect, most likely the offending party will deny it. Maybe not. But just keep asking them what is wrong with your relationship, what can you do to fix things, keep fighting.

And if you feel yourself straying, please see there is something wrong with you, or something wrong with your spouse, or more likely, something wrong with both of you. Make them listen, make them understand in any way you can. Find the old you, find the old them, and put those two together again. That is who came together in the first place.

The Test

These next few months will be the real test for me. Marriage is much easier when life is easier. When bills aren't stretching you thin, the weather is beautiful and you have a lot of time to spend together. Its just effortless.

These next few months promise to not be easy.

I had a taste of life to come this winter and it was not pretty. Husband ended up working 3 weekends in a row, and when he works weekends we don't see him from Saturday morning until Sunday afternoon. It sucks. I was so lonely... and from loneliness came depression.

I hated it, I was afraid of it. Depression, sadness, loneliness...aren't those the first little pieces that lead us to stray? I am always afraid of myself. Above everyone else, I always did the right thing and me not doing the right thing makes me doubt myself completely. I could rationally say something like the affair will never happen again. But I could rationally say before that an affair would NEVER happen at all. I don't know how it happen. Actually I do, I was tricked...by myself, but tricked all the same. Stupid. But I believed completely that I was above something so low... and now I know otherwise. It sucks. But I have learned a whole new compassion for people who find themselves in the unhealthy addiction of an affair.

So during these times when I don't get to connect with Husband I find myself terrified. And the thing I am most afraid of is that this will go away. This thing we have, this love. I lived many years without feeling in love and constantly feeling badly and I am so afraid of that. I'm afraid that all of this is a cruel trick and one day I'll wake up and find out I was fooling myself.

These thoughts and feelings plague me in my loneliness and instead of reaching out, I shut down. I pull in and seclude even more. I now know that what I do need to do is really reach out to my friends to keep me company during these months when Husband works so much. Even just having my neighbors come down to watch a movie with me... or going to my sisters house to watch the boys play. I think that will help.

Its all about self caring. We have to insulate ourselves during good times so when the hard times come we will be ready. Its like an emotional nest egg. You need that plan in place for when things start to get hard.

What have you done lately to care for yourself?

Options

I heard this song today. It reminded me of what my husband must have felt just after deciding that he was going to choose me, stay with me- give it a month he said. See what happens.

The lyrics, I'm not sure if he told her what he says in the beginning, but he thinks it. And they both declare their love with the other believing it mostly. And that is sort of how it is after the recovery. You believe they love you while not being able to believe it, or wondering if it will change. But you both need each other so much that you stay together. The option to leave is there, and maybe for the betrayed spouse they need to keep it there to have some sense of control. Perhaps Husband will take a listen to this song and tell me what he thinks.

Scratch That

Ok, I feel better. I have my iPod firmly in place, soft tunes lulling me and keeping me sane. I unplugged the TV and now my monkeys are working together to clean the living and bedroom-of their own volition! A 4 year old and 2 year old! Now that warms the heart.

During the times of aloneness... I really need to focus on the blessings around me. I am truly blessed and lucky and omg, my life could have been such a disaster if things had gone differently. Truly disastrous. But my life is good, my husband loves me and I love him and I am so truly blessed.

Thanks to the Monkeys for reminding me I have happiness around me, even in a shoebox.

Sadness and Depression

I feel very sad and depressed right now. Part of it has to do with a lot of repressed anger I have. I pretty much have to repress my anger because not doing so would cause strife in the workplace/family. So I just fume, swallow and vent to a friend or husband. But husband is working and I forgot to pay my dumb phone bill so I can't call my friend who lives long distance...and I have no clue where my cell phone is. Hence the silent fuming.

But its starting to poison me a little bit. It makes me angry, sad and easy to frustrate. I have to work even harder not to lash out at the kids and be calm.

And then I live in a shoebox, winter is coming, I have two active boys and I am not looking forward to weekends alone shut in the Shoebox. I feel like a Rat City. In Rat Cities, when they get over crowded they start fighting, then they kill each other, and eventually they start practicing population control through abstinence. I remember this lesson vividly from my college psych classes. They used it to explain part crime and violence in large cities.

I just have to find a way to cope during these next few months-till the 6 months of winter are over. The summer will be bearable, the fall will be fine, and if things go according to plan, we will buy a home and say goodbye to our shoebox.

I really hate living in a shoebox.

Saturday with Regina Spektor

I really like this artist, she has a great voice and her songs have great lyrics.


On the Radio, a song about an affair by Regina Spektor. Actually quite good.



Fidelity, same artist


Samson, by same artist. I listened to this song a lot after the Discovery. I felt like I'd cut Husbands hair, but he kissed me and loved me the same. Its really a beautiful song though.

Cleaning House

What do you do once you've decided to end the affair, or once it has been ended for you? For one thing I think it is of the utmost importance to clean house. And what I mean by that is, if at all possible, disappear and get rid of anything that will remind you of your Other.

First off, what I mean by disappear is this. Do what you can to make it impossible for the Other to contact you and for you to contact them. This means changing phone numbers, email addresses, blocking them from your Facebook/Myspace and your instant messages. And you scour everything you have to get rid of their info. Everything. Just don't leave that window even a little bit cracked.

Secondly, get rid of whatever you can that reminds you of the Other. Clothes, scents, songs, movies-just avoid them. This doesn't mean forever, but definitely during your intial months when you're struggling to over come the discovery and/or the addiction. Once you have come to a place of peace you may be able to go back to these things without having painful memories. I don't think I'd be able to... but thats just me.

Thirdly, take back what you can. And what I mean is, take ownership of things that used to be something you shared with the other-share it with your spouse. Rewrite your old memories and haunts with all new ones. Take back every experience you can and replace it with a new healthy one.

I hope this helps you, I know it helped me.

Why Try to Save Your Marriage?

This is where I was Sept 18th 2007. The perfect storm had come upon me.
I found out that my wife of 10 years and two children:
1.) had cheated on me, spending an entire weekend with another man
2.) she was in love with the 'other' and
3.) didn't love me and in fact had never loved me (in THAT way).

I had NO idea what to do. My world was swirling around me and one minute I hated her and the next wanted her back. I remember a very vivid dream that first night of the discovery. I dreamt that we were dancing in circles; beautiful music was filling the air. Then I woke. I slowly came about to the realization of what happened the day before and I started sobbing and weeping in the middle of the night.

I had to decide something. I had no idea what to do. So the first thing I did was to not make any decision for 30 days. I even gave my wife my wedding ring. My thought was that the time could be used to make the best possible decision for everyone.

Then I decided to go with my wife to a counselor. And after that meeting, I told my wife that I was choosing her. I told her that I was going to try it for real. And that trying, that standing up and making the right decision changed my life.

If I had decided to do everything I "felt" like doing, I would be in jail right now, having gone through my very vivid feelings of wanting to shoot the 'other'. Had it all planned out actually, in my head. Of course I had feelings of hatred, but I choose to go with my feelings of love instead, and that had made all the difference. The right choice is not always easy.

I am sure that there are some marriages beyond saving, but as human beings we have the ability to change and be renewed by life and our experiences.

So why not use this to get back what you had? Better yet, why not start a new relationship based on truth and not holding anything back.

Affairs are so exciting and filled with love, because you are able to give yourself (and your heart) to the 'other' person. I saw that happen with my wife and then through the affair I saw her finally give her heart to me. I saw her, for the very first time ever, give herself to me and I fell in love with her and her giving of her heart.

So give yourself fully to your spouse. Give your heart away, even though society tells us to guard it. We have all been hurt by people in our lives but don't let those get in the way of love and the freeing love that can only be found in a free heart.

So, I know that every situation is not the same, but I know from experience that if you can pull through this, your marriage will be the best thing in the world.