Scarlett's Mark

Decorating Our Lives to Hide Our Hearts

2011-06-25T08:33:00.002-04:00

I shot this photo after an outing at a campground a few weeks ago. I was feeling pretty yuck inside about a few things going on in my life, nothing with my marriage, but other ugly stuff. I stopped to shoot this old vacant house as the sun was setting.

Today it occurred to me that we can be just like this picture. We can put a bunch of pretty stuff, external stuff, up front that people first see. Our clothing, material things, make up and hair- everything that helps us to find that inside of it all we are an abanondoned and vacant building just waiting to crumble to the ground. We hide behind our flowered bushes hoping that nobody notice how broken we are inside. But by hiding it is impossible for anyone to know that we are in MAJOR need of TLC and repair. They don't see past the externals to see us crying out for help in the inside. It reminded me of my time "away" where I didn't live in my life and was more miserable than I'd ever been, but externally looked happy and healthy. No one had any clue.

So maybe it is time to trim your bushes back and to let yourself be a little naked and tell people when you need a little comfort and compassion, otherwise they may never know and we'll continue being this empty house.

Constant Vigelance!

2011-04-11T20:36:00.003-04:00

The cry of Mad Eye Moody to never let your guard down is one of my favorite little quotes to say. When fighting darkness and evil you must always be on your guard, ready to fight, expect the unexpected. But I think it rings true for those us who stayed married and are survivors of an affair-the ones that feel like we're mostly happy but, as all things do, things crop up and bring us down. Bring our marriage down, distract us from one another.

Husband and I have been crabbing lately, though by his account I'm the one crabbing. But hey, I haven't slept a full night in 18 months (thanks to a beautiful little girl) and I'm tired. And being sleep deprived makes you pretty crazy. I need to work on her sleep, but first I needed to work on our marriage. Because, even though we survived the unsurvivable- we can still harm our relationship and still get lost to each other.

I think those of us who survived and came out happier in our relationship take for granted that marriage can take so much work. Because, dude- we survived! If we survived that, what could harm us? But that is false security. Constant Vigilance my friends! We must still always be cognoscente of our feelings, of being honest and open, of admitting our wrongs and working to make things right and of just taking the time to stop, look at each other and work through the kinks that arise. Failure to do so... well, lets just say lets not even let that happen.

So- there you go. I haven't blogged in awhile but just wanted to remind you all not to stop working on your marriage, on yourself - don't get comfortable and let your guard down or else you might find yourself one unhappy muggle.

I'm on Facebook

2011-03-18T19:02:00.002-04:00

You can now find me on facebook :) When I get a little more time I'll try to find a widget to make it look pretty- but for now here I am.
FIND ME ON FACEBOOK!

Also - I have set up a SECRET facebook group. Facebook defines a secret group as: Secret: These groups cannot be found in searches, and non-members can’t see anything about the group, including its name and membership list. The name of the group will not display on the profiles of members.

Secret Surviving Group
If you want to join I

Life, marriage, motherhood and it all

2010-04-06T20:33:00.004-04:00

Its all so very tiring. I am tired. And wow, I've forgotten how a new baby will so quickly throw your marriage into the backseat. Its hard. I am disconnected and a bit discontent with life- mostly with being tired and wishing I could work part time. But such is life.

Its been 2.5 years since the Big Bad and I still will think about it. Still. I don't go into fetal position from my self loathing anymore, but it gives me pause and makes me wonder if I will ever be truly free. Oh the little attacks our mind springs on us, how cruel they are.

I have been reading Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge- it really does speak to the heart of a women. I think we all should read it.

"Why do so few women have anything close to a life of romance? Loneliness and emptiness are far more common themes-so entirely common that most women buried their longs for romance long ago and are now living merely to survive, get through the week. And its not just romance- Why are most of the relationships of women fraught with hardship? Their friendships, their families, their best friends all seem to have come down with a sort of virus that makes them fundamentally unavailable, leaving a women lonely at the end of the day. Even when relationships are good, its never enough. Where does this bottomless pit in us come from?

And women are tired. We are drained. But it's not from a life of shared adventures. No, weariness of women comes from lives that are crammed with routine, with chores, with hundreds of demands. As Chekov says, 'Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day to day living that wears you out.' Somehow, somewhere between our youth and yesterday, efficiency has taken the place of adventure. Most women do not feel they are playing an irreplaceable role in a great Story. Oh, no. We struggle to know if we matter at all. If we are at home, we feel ashamed we don't have a "real life" in the outside world. We are swallowed by laundry. If we have a career, we feel as though we are missing out on more important matters like marriage and children. We are swallowed by meetings."

Captivating - page 44-45

This passage really spoke to me. And I bet it speaks to many of you too. Allowing ourselves to get sucked down and dragged into feeling so ...alone- that is part of what leads us down the unforgivable path. How do we insulate ourselves? How do we tell our partners that feeling this way deadens our souls? And how do we fight it? Well, I guess I'll just have to keep reading :)

I don't really have a conclusion, just wanted to offer this passage up as something to think about.
Take care and keep on fighting for your marriage

I'm still here

2010-02-11T20:35:00.002-05:00

I am, really- I think about everyone out there that is going through the awful trauma that is caused by infidelity. I'm so busy right now, three kids-one a baby, working full time and a husband that has a demanding job. Its hard.

Husband and I are especially disconnected right now. There is never enough time in the day, night, weekend. It doesn't help that Husband only gets every other weekend off. And I'm post-partum and tired and that makes me SUPER crabby.

But we still love each other and when I feel stressed or worried I remember that I made it through something quite awful with Husband and that no matter what happens in my life that if I survived that I can survive this.

But I'd still very much like a nap. ...sigh.

Survived it al!

2009-11-09T21:57:00.002-05:00

I've been waiting and holding my breath for two years, and now I can stop. That D Day-the day the Other was planning on his suicide mission, it has passed without incident. I have not become a Lifetime Television for Women movie.

I really tried not to worry and stress about it, but I just couldn't fully move on knowing that there could be an altercation in my future. But now I can breath... :)

So now what? Husband and I want to help other people, more than just having a blog. I'd like to write a fiction book about our experience with a companion book with tips and help... but would that help people? Or would holding seminars for people be helpful?

I'm not sure, but I think Husband is going to start a support group locally in the spring, which means that I may be outed as a cheater to people in my community. I've been working myself up to this, being ok with that. Its such a black (or scarlet) mark on a person, cheaters are loathsome to many people.

But I think we could help a lot of people and I should do my best to help if I can.

So thats all for now :)

And Some More...

2009-10-09T17:44:00.004-04:00

Things here are really good except that as I neared the 2 year mark I kept thinking about it-and I'm pretty sure that this October is when my Other said he was going to come to my city and kill himself as a warped attempt to right his wrongs... Husband called him about his intention about 2 years ago and I really hope he changed his mind, I believe he did. Husband told him that the death plan wasn't a plan or wish from God. Husband is really quite amazing.

But I still find myself holding my breath until October is over. Its like, if I survive Oct I survived it all without becoming a casualty that will end up on a LifeTime Television for Women movie. Know what I mean?

Aside from my paranoia, which may or may not be partly hormonal, I'm doing well. I guess... I still think about having a panic word with my neighbor and what I will do if I show up and find the Other in my home or workplace. I have moved, changed my numbers, become unlisted. I try to be invisible as much as I can. But you can always find someone if you want to enough.

Oh well, life goes on and for the most part life is really good and really blessed. God would not have saved me from my wretchedness to just cast me into a dark pit, I just need to trust in God and have faith in God that he will continue to forgive, love and protect me.

Wow, two posts in one day-amazing!

And now, Tracy Chapman- Unsung Psalm

Time of Renewal

2009-10-09T12:59:00.002-04:00

I haven't blogged in a long time, but not for lack of wanting to. I've been pregnant, my job has been insanely busy and we just moved into a new house over the summer. Not to mention that I had our daughter two weeks ago.

She was born on 9/25/09 at 9:25am. On 9/18/07 my husband confronted me over my transgression, on 9/19/07, during a session with a wonderful therapist, my eyes opened and I suddenly fell in love with my husband-and he chose to keep me. On 9/21/08 Husband and I renewed our vows and were baptized for the first time. As you can see, the second to last week of September is a very exciting and renewing time for us.

I may have said this before, I had to take meds to conceive my other two, so when I ended up pregnant with my third, my girl- and by accident AND she was due right around the time when the Big Bad happened, and our Renewal-it was quite exciting.

Anyway, baby is fussing now. I just wanted to leave an update, she's perfect and beautiful and the first baby we had that was conceived in total love :)

Sorry for being MIA

2009-08-08T23:20:00.001-04:00

I haven't blogged in FOREVER. I'm really sorry, I am still thinking and praying for all of you who have communicated with me this past year.

Things are really hectic and busy, I think I posted that Husband and I got pregnant and baby number three will likely come exactly 2 years after the discovery and our recovery. 1 year after our vow renewal and baptism. 12 years after being married and 2 years after falling in love. :) This one is a girl and I can't wait to meet her. My official date is Oct 1 but because I am having a repeat C Section it will be a week or two earlier-I'm hoping it will happen on the date of our renewal but I'm nervous it will be schedule for the same date of the discovery. In a sense it would take that day back...but I'd rather it be a different day.

We also moved from our shoebox into a new house. Its beautiful and in a great neighborhood but has some things that need to be fixed before baby comes, so its been hectic. Add to that the fact I blew up my computer- and I'm serious, there was smoke and everything and the fact that my job is so hectic and crazy... we'll blogging time has been very limited.

Anyway, one thing I discovered while packing everything up was that all those yuck emotions and memories of the other and what happened came back to me. This move was the last thing for me to get away from the old memories and worries. The other knew where I lived and I lived with the constant fear in the back of my mind that I would come home one day and find him there waiting. Moving would free me from this, but it also made me aware of it which led to thinking about it which led to feelings of yuck.

I am now unlisted, my address is different and those are the last two things I've been waiting for to stop being fearful. I still have some little worries, the Other threatened to do something drastic in my hometown...soon... so I know as fall approaches I will be thinking of this and will breath a sigh of relief when it doesn't happen. Because I have faith it won't, I have faith God will step in and stop it. I actually pray that the Other has found love and happiness and not just so I don't worry but because I think he could use it as well.

Well, I was kind of all over the place here, sorry. I just wanted to explain my silence.

--
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"

Grace Tells Another Story

2009-05-17T14:51:00.001-04:00

When we think we can't forgive ourselves and heal...

Lies, and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them

2009-04-14T21:13:00.002-04:00

The biggest mistake that I think us victims make is to personalize the betrayal.

"Its my fault! Why did I let this happen? If only... If I would have just..."

Even though by nature (and in large part my chosen profession) I am a problem solver, I quickly became a victim and all the junk that came with it. For months after the affair I had all those thoughts plus some I won't share over and over again, playing like the only country music station in the entire radio dial. "If you don't like this country song, my mind would say, here's another 10 stations all playing the same song just for you."

This lie behind all these thoughts are that your significant other betrayed you because of who you are or something you did. It is a lie. Those are all bold faced lies meant to keep you in a place of anger, hurt, and pain.

The truth is that affairs happen in the entire spectrum of marriage with no regard for money, social status, communication, sex, or a level of "happiness"

With that said you may have played a small part in the betrayal but it still was not your fault. I know that I did.

The analogy I like to use is that my wife got into a car accident. It hurt alot of people and was mostly her and the others fault but I was a contributing factor. I didn't keep the tires on her car properly inflated. I let her drive on really worn brakes. There were also warning signs that she was a wreckless driver that I ignored and a cry for help as well.
But she still chose to get into the car and was at fault for the accident.

Afterwords, I spent WAY too much time blaming myself. Way too much time was wasted trying to accept and place blame. I soon reverted back to my teenage year of being a victim with no control of my life.

That turned out to be the furthest thing from the truth. As the victim, my wife turned to me for guidance along the journey. Our counselor told us that I was the barometer of the relationship. As I healed, Scarlet found it ok to move on the the next phase as well.

If you are stuck in this phase, know that it is just a phase of the aftermath of the affair. But please don't focus on it. When these thoughts come into your head just say 'that's a lie and all lies come from the devil'
Say a prayer "In Jesus Christ's name I command you and this lie to leave. Jesus I invite you to come into my heart where the lie once was and heal me in that place.

Believe me when I say that I did this one a regular basis for a good part of a year and it does work. It is something I still do when I catch the lies sneaking back into my thoughts. The more I ask Jesus to come and truly invite him into my heart the closer I feel to him and the more peace I feel in my life.

Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you."

Matthew 11:29 "... learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls ..."

Which wolf will you feed today?

2009-04-11T14:33:00.010-04:00

Here is an Cherokee tale of two wolves:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Its true. See we all have free will. We all get to do whatever we want, think about whatever we want, and make our own little world inside our minds. Sometimes our minds become little prisons that we feel we can't escape.

I'd say for the first 3-4 months after I found about my wife's affair, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I feed myself a plate of misery, hurt, pain, and anger on a daily basis. But then I realized that I had a choice to make.

I was able to picture myself 10 years from now and I saw two Ean's. The first one put on a mask for work, friends, and others, but inside was a wreck. He would turn to other things for any kind of escape. Work, sports, alcohol, movies, books, and probably greed in order to try and drown out the pain from being betrayed.

Or I could not. I could, in fact, choose joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. And that's what I did.

I forgave my wife. And I mean really forgave her. I choose first to forgive. I didn't "feel" like I had forgiven her and I felt, at times, that I shouldn't. There were even times were I had wished I hadn't. But I did. I choose to forgive her and THEN the feeling of forgiveness came to me. I feed the right wolf and keep feeding it and it grew more and the other wolf died.

And let me tell you that other wolf did not go down without a fight. I would have visions of telling my wife off. Telling her all of the things that I wanted to really say. All of the things that were inside my head of how she really hurt me. And when I started those visions, it really seemed like a wolf inside of me growing and taking over. That anger would come and the pain would come and so would the tears.

Don't feed that wolf. When that wolf comes 'round, tell it to go away. The devil will use whatever tricks he can to get you to live a life of anger and hate and focus on the betrayal. But we do have free will. As much as your hurting and full of just 'junk' inside you (believe me I know), you still get to choose which wolf to feed.

I promise you that if you feed the wolf of joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith that your life will get better. I have chosen the path that God laid out for me and have not looked back. That wolf still comes around once in a while and entices me with his old tricks, but he knows that he has no power over me. That 'junk' that once filled every second of every day is still there once in a blue moon but it is like a anthill compared to the rocky mountains that it once was.

Matthew 6:21-23 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness."

How He Forgave Me After the Affair

2009-04-07T22:21:00.003-04:00

My husband made the decision to forgive me before he felt it. He knew that was what he had to do so he made the decision to just do it. So he really had to fight to forgive. And he did it successfully. He has yet to ever throw it in my face what I did, although I often throw it at myself (in my head)-or used to. I've gotten better at not self flagellating.

My husband was so kind and really took care of me, which is so strange and odd. But taking care of me gave him something to do after the discovery, he started to protect me in a way he had never done before, even though he was protecting me from myself and from what I had done. Odd-but I think that purpose helped him.

Just a little thought to throw out there.

How did you forgive? How were you forgiven?

Missing the Other: Life After the Discovery

2009-03-30T19:55:00.003-04:00

One of my readers wrote me to ask me if I ever missed my Other and if so, what did I do. Below is my answer to her, but I'd really appreciate responses here from anyone who might have more applicable advice. Because, unfortunately, I don't know how far my answer to her question will take her.

Hello,

I can answer this but I don't know if I'm the best person to. The answer is, magically and inexplicably, no-I never missed my Other. I was afraid the missing would come, terrified really, but it never did. And this is not because I'm anyone special or have magnificent control over my mind, but because everything I could have missed at all about him was easily taken care of and represented in my husband.

I don't know how much of my blog you read, but if you read this post you'll see what I mean. In there I do my best to describe the moment when suddenly everything changed.

I was musing with husband about this the other day. We have always both believed we were meant to be together, but when we met we were both sort of broken in different ways. The people who met weren't the people who were ultimately meant to be together. I was supposed to be a girl who loved him desperately and stood with him as a strong partner tied together with a common passion and purpose. He was to be a man who was strong and unbreakable yet loving and kind. Neither of us were this. I think we both craved the thing we thought we were meant to have.

So in the therapists office, I think there was a huge inner change in my husband and I think the real me felt the real him in that moment. I don't know any other way to explain how I would be looking at him and suddenly feel like a veil had been lifted off my eyes and fall in love with him right then. And he was able to look at me and see that suddenly I did love him for real-and see it in my eyes in a way he never saw there before.

So no, I never had a moment of missing the Other. But that is only because my husband and I became what the other needed. If we had not, if we hadn't gone to counseling and powered through just on will alone without changing the things about us that were broken-our 11 years of bad habits and quarrels, I think it would have been very different.

And that is what I think the key is. What ever you might miss about the Other is something you really might be missing from your spouse. Dissect that and see what you can come up with and then work with your husband so both of you can become what you were meant to be to each other.

Maybe that was more than what you were looking for. I certainly don't think you're alone in missing him-so don't feel alone in this. I think my case is fairly unique and I thank god every day for this blessing.

This House is Not For Sale

2009-03-17T19:05:00.003-04:00

This is a song that I found after the Discovery/Recovery. I really liked it and I likened the lyrics to my husband saying his life was not for sale. Just the fight, and that no one could take away our home without us fighting for it. And of course all the times he told me to " Calm DOOOOOOOOWN!"

But the more I listen to this song, the more I'm certain that it is really about the movie Beetlejuice. Seriously, check out the lyrics. I've just been wanting to share this, I know this is totally off topic, but about 99% of this blog is dedicated to dissecting adultery, I can have a little off topic moments, can't I?

This House is Not For Sale (Lyrics-Ryan Adams)

Tell 'em that the house is not for sale
We're still livin' here, how come nobody can tell
They're takin' all the furniture, movin' our things (The Step-mom and Otto walking around talking about all the stuff their going to do to change the house)
Come on little honey, put your head on my knee
Tell 'em that the house is not for sale
And calm down, calm down, calm down
Calm down, calm down, calm down

Do you remember when we even bought this thing?
I danced you across the wooden floor and you signed the lease
What happened in the car that night? (Total reference to the accident on the bridge)
What happened in the car that night?
Tell 'em that the house is not for sale
And calm down, calm down, calm down
Calm down, calm down, calm down
Calm down

Tell 'em that the house is not for sale
We could grab a couple sheets, yeah, give 'em quite a scare (their first attempt was wearing sheets with eye holes cut out)
I remember lyin' on the bedroom floor
You were holding me, little honey, kissin' my soul
Tell 'em that the house is not for sale
And calm down, calm down, calm down
Calm down, calm down, calm down
Calm down
Calm down
------------------------------
So, am I crazy or what? Anyone else agree?
Now for your enjoyment, Ryan Adams :) -This House is Not For Sale

How Do You Cope After an Affair?

2009-03-14T20:26:00.004-04:00

I know Husband needs to blog more, he's sick with a sinus infection and he works some pretty crappy hours which doesn't leave a lot of energy for blogging. But he's beginning to see that our blog is helpful to some people.

More than anything he wants to start a local support group for people. I think that would be great however I'm just not ready to out myself fully yet. I live in a pretty small town and all of the yuck is still very fresh. Besides, neither of us have any time at all so I don't know how we'd manage to squeeze one more thing into our hectic and crazy life.

So I thought I'd try to blog a little more. And I was thinking about some coping mechanisms I used after the discovery. First off, I really detest coping. To me coping means you sort of give up and make due with your lot in life and stop trying to change it. It seems so helpless.

So imagine how hard it was for me to realize I did something I couldn't change! I couldn't take it back or make it right. That had NEVER happened to me. It drove me insane with grief and fear. So I had to cope.

I wrote before that I tried hard to remake myself after the discovery. That was one way I tried coping. I worked hard on getting healthy. something I'd needed to do for the last ten years. I'd gotten really fat in college. I started running shortly after I "met" the Other, but after the discovery I worked harder on myself and started a weight loss program. Since I couldn't make what I did go away I tried to make the body that did it go away. Does that make sense?

The only way I could think to cope with this was to become a different person than the one who did the Big Bad. I really started to deconstruct myself and I think I realized something really important.

My counselor talked about how I had taken my heart offline after my first love and I broke up. I think he was dead right, and I think I stopped growing since that time. I feel like I slept walked through the years after, not living but just existing and content but never truly happy.

When Husband fought for me and my eyes were open suddenly and I fell in love with him, my heart came back online. I was then able to trace back and see the little hurts and the old wounds that led me to who I became. A person with two parts, the light and the dark. I had let the dark win out because it seemed stronger, but it wasn't. It was just angrier. Anger seems that way but its just a secondary emotion to something deep and rotten. Now the light has won!

Ok, I'm totally babbling. So anyway, I coped. I remade and I listened to a hell of a lot of new music. I made soundtracks for Husband and I at each stage of our journey. We had Soul Kissing-which was the few months after the discovery and recovery where we were in a honeymoon sort of state. Then there was Coming Through the Woods-as we struggled through all the yuck we were dealing with. Then Outside the Blastzone-for after we made it through the worst of the muck. And now I have a soundtrack for my fiction pieces I work on because he and I are mostly good. :)

When I go through each soundtrack it takes me back to all those emotions I felt during each stage. Its sometimes painful but sometimes very good. It helps me see what we've come through and how we've won. Its healing and reinforcing.

Today has been a long day, Spring is a long time coming and Husband is sick. I have a baby growing in me that makes me sick all day long and two children who like to not be fully potty trained even though they should be... But tonight is a good night and today was a great day because I didn't have to be alone. Husband and I survived and are better and stronger for it, and you can do it too.

Believe me when I say this-I never thought I'd love my husband. I married him as a friend figuring that I'd never love anyone other than my first love. But something happened the day after the discovery while we sat in our counselors office, and I can only say that I was touched by a miracle and so was Husband. And I am so truly thankful for that.

You're Not Alone in Your Recovery from Adultery

2009-03-11T21:44:00.003-04:00

Every week I get more and more emails from men and women trying to survive this process of recovery from adultry. You are not alone and you all have experiences and support to offer to each other. If I could get you all in a room together I can just imagine the help and healing that might happen. In fact one of my emailers who has been struggling with breaking off an affair has found help through chatting with a husband who was cheated on. We could all help each other.

If you feel brave, leave a comment here-discuss what is happening with you. If you feel not so brave make an alias and do it anyway :). Or go to the Support board linked in the sidebar. Its not that active but I think that is in part because we hide so much from what we did.

I started this blog to face what I did, I called it Peering Into Darkness at first, but gradually felt like it was instead leading me to the light.

If you're feeling REALLY brave, write your own blog and let me know (you can still have an alias).

And as always I invite people to be guest bloggers here.

So reach out to one another-help each other.

A Little Epiphany

2009-03-09T19:47:00.004-04:00

Lately I've been having the old yuck thoughts returning to me. The crippling guilt, the worry, the fear that the Other will somehow pop back into my world and turn it upside down. He does know where I live, I seriously can't wait to move just to have that little barrier there.

So I've been struggling and not sure why suddenly this struggle seems harder, why the thoughts are coming more frequently again. After some dissecting these were the things I figured out.

1. We got cable and I have been watching TV more. TV leads to pointless and meaningless distraction. In my defense I have wicked morning sickness all day long, but at night its the worse. And sometimes all I can do is just lay on the couch and moan. I can't help that.

2. I haven't been writing creatively or blogging because of feeling sick and being tired.

I wasn't sure which of these things was the culprit or if I was being stupid and just looking for excuse to explain away my flaw and weakness.

But then on Saturday night I felt pretty decent so I downloaded some tunes and made a play list for the novel I'm working on and really spent some time editing and writing. And I'll tell you what, I felt amazing the whole next day. I realized around 5pm that I hadn't had a single bad thought that whole night.

So my conclusion is, both. The distraction of the mindless television doesn't help my inner thoughts and inner peace or my connection with my husband. And my writing gives me a wonderful creative outlet that allows me to channel a lot of my thoughts and feelings into characters and events.

So what helps you? Do you know? If you don't know what can fight off those yucky demons chasing your thoughts perhaps you should look into doing something expressive and creative. Its a wonderful outlet.

Take it easy and stay strong everyone!

Constant Vigilance!

2009-02-24T16:53:00.004-05:00

Constant Vigilance...the cry of Mad Eye Moody from the Harry Potter series always rings in my head when it comes to thinking about my marriage after the affair. Mad Eye is warning about keeping your awareness of the enemy. In my marriage I am reminding myself that same thing. Distraction is my enemy.

I've been distracted a bit lately. I like to blame a fresh bout of mornings sickness (yes, we went and got knocked up, a few months earlier than we had planned, but we're very happy) and TV. Before recently we had no TV but I got tired of getting no signal on the converter box so we sprung for basic cable. And now, while laying sick on the couch, instead of talking to Husband I am vegging out. Not good.

During this same time I have found myself going back to the dark place of fear and self hatred that I was in before healing from what happened. The thoughts were coming at me more frequently and I felt very attacked. I would actually swear at the thoughts and tell them "shut up you assholes" lol. That works, seriously. Yell or talk to keep those bad thoughts away.

But I know that I'm more vaulnerable to the attacks because I am weak in my relationship. Not that we aren't strong and happy, just that we are both stressed and distracted and have not had any serious one on one time. So I turned off the TV and instead of vegging out on the couch we got into bed and my husband read aloud to me. That was so much more enjoyable.

So-that is my lesson for today. Constant Vigilance! Always look for that enemy in your marriage and then take steps to neutralize it.

Must see Webinar this Sunday at 8pm EST

2009-02-20T09:45:00.005-05:00

We love to help as many people as possible but we also know that there are many more and better sites out there for people. This is one of them. This webinar will pull together many of the leading experts in the field together, most have been through an affair themselves.

Please watch, as it looks to us that this webinar is put on to help people, and not sell anything.

-Ean

Below is the letter from www.affairrecovery.com :

My inbox is full of nothing but pain. Email after email reflects the turmoil and confusion of those who have been betrayed. If you're getting this email, I know you understand what I'm talking about.

More needs to be done. So we're networking with other leaders in the field in hopes of providing what you need. Sunday evening, February 22ndth at 8:00 PM EST, I'll be joining a panel of experts on a teleconference sponsored by the Affair Recovery Center to address issues specifically for betrayed spouses.

Joining me on the call will be:

Rick Reynolds, founder of The Affair Recovery Center
Anne Bercht, author of "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me"
John Haney and Leslie Hardie, authors of Harboring Hope
Mona Shriver of Hope & Healing Ministries, Inc. and co-author of "Unfaithful"
Joe Beam, president of Love Path International

If you're interested in getting answers to some of the hard questions, then I hope you'll join our event.

http://www.AffairRecovery.com/ft/arc

But that's not even the best part, over the next three weeks Harboring Hope is giving away multiple resources for those of you who have been betrayed. This is in preparation for the reopening of the Harboring Hope course.

Please take advantage of their free resources. You'll find them to be relevant and practical. Join their Harboring Hope preregistration list to take advantage of their bonus materials. You don't have to buy a thing just take advantage of the gift.

http://www.AffairRecovery.com/ft/arc

You'll be getting a follow-up email asking what questions you'd like to have answered during the teleconference. Give serious thought to what your questions might be and join us for this ground-breaking event.

Best regards,

Rick

P.S. I know you get hit with "offers" every day.
Well, this isn't one of them. There is nothing for sale at this teleseminar.
4131 Spicewood Springs Road, Suite K-1, Austin, TX 78759, USA

Trust after an Affair: Part I

2009-01-29T19:55:00.004-05:00

Trust is a huge huge thing in any relationship. Especially when you live with someone day in and out, sharing your lives with each other.

How do you rebuild trust after you've cheated on your partner? And how do you even learn to trust yourself?

If you were the offending spouse, which I was, I think its important to answer all the questions honestly and do your best to be an open book. But even more important than that is being very honest with your feelings. Things I would think and feel but keep silent about before, I made a point to tell my husband. I tried my best to be totally open for him as much as I could be, no matter how uncomfortable I was.

And I also had to understand that he couldn't just trust me over night. When he checked my phone records or asked me strange questions, I understood and answered without getting angry. It makes sense for him to have questions. Our counselor said from the beginning, "trust but verify".

This meant for Husband to put his trust in me (and in God too), but to also verify that I was living up to that trust. This gave him peace of mind and each time he'd check up on me and see that there was nothing to find, he verified that I was being trust worthy and he began to trust me more.

I think trust building is extremely important, work together with a counselor to get that back and start rebuilding your relationship.

Remaking You After the Affair

2009-01-18T09:45:00.003-05:00

The first ten years of my marriage my husband was fond of saying that I never "changed" there was never anything I had to work on or fix. I thought I was perfect. That was his perception, however I knew I was far from perfect, but the only thing I could imagine that I needed to work on was my housekeeping ability. They are lacking in a big way.

I don't blame him for being frustrated all those years, I think he felt very nit picked.

He doesn't say that to me anymore however.

After the affair we were both so broken that we had to completely rebuild ourselves. Husband had some massive changes overnight. Things unexplainable that were suddenly different about him. For instance he now tolerated and enjoyed spicy food now, he began writing poetry (this is a guy who'd never written creatively in his life) and intimacy was so completetly different. I'm not going to get into the sex stuff right now, but Husband is planning a post about Sex and Intimacy after the affair in the future.

But what I'm getting at is that very strange things were suddenly different about him, and then there were very large personality changes as well. I think his battling for his life (essentially) suddenly made him an incredibly strong and self respecting man. Something he had never acheived before.

Me, well I felt very much like I had spun a chrysalis around my tainted body and broken spirit and slept. The first few weeks after the discovery it was all I could do to keep my eyes open at night. I was so thoroughly exhausted I could only imagine all the effort I had put into my 10 years of hiding my true feelings and the 6 months of lying had taken a lot more effort than I imagined.

Husband carried me through those months afterwards and kept the reality of what I did from crushing me completly. It seems very odd that he would protect me so much, especially when he was hurting so much. But protection is what I had craved our whole marriage and I think he thought it was now his duty. It gave him something to do during the recovery.

Me, well I used what happened to get in better shape. I was a good deal overweight which led to a lot of self loathing. I wanted to change as much of me as I could. I wanted to be a different person. And that was my first focus, I wanted to have a different body, one that had never been seen by another person outside my husband. I also started writing and reading more and became active with service projects in the community. Things I had always loved but let slide into the background.

And we remade ourselves as a couple. First and foremost we turned off the TV and spent our evenings talking, writing together and reading aloud to each other when we didn't want to process anymore.

And of course all of this made us better parents.

Those first 6-8 months after the affair were the hardest. There was much pain and sadness from Husband and a lot of fear and horror from me. But as time moved by the thoughts come less, the happiness more frequent and we healed.

Twisted Love of Adultry

2009-01-13T14:15:00.001-05:00

We have all experienced pain in our lives. Most of us many many years ago and then again very recently with the discovery or the act of betrayal. But those words that were said, those awful things done to us, many times as children or adolescence, has shaped us. We accepted those messages as our own. We actually believed them, they became a part of our twisted view of ourselves, the world, and God. Some of us vowed to never feel that again.

As a child with no dad, I so longed for a father in my life. And I did have many 'dads'; usually abusive men who came in and out of our lives. My siblings always embraced them quickly. I held back, but I soooooo wanted that Father in my life. So I made a vow. I will never abandon my kids, no matter what. As noble as that may seem on the outside - it just set me up. That vow was to cover the pain in my life and it then put so much pressure and such a high status on my marriage that my marriage now became the most important thing in my life.

And you can't do that. Because my wife is not perfect and any and every failure would break my world view and my vow. Some of you had (or have) a broken heart and vowed to never have that happen again. But by doing so, you are (as our counselor would say) taking your heart offline. By guarding your heart, you are just setting yourself up for failure. You will never experience love with a guarded heart. Of course I am talking about your relationship with other people but the same holds true for God.

36"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38This is the first and greatest commandment. (Matthew 22:36-38 NIV)

We were not meant to live a life of shame, embarrassment, ridicule, denial, hatred, anger or any of the other 1000 emotions that come on this journey we are all on. We are meant to life a life of LOVE. Love to God, not just service, not to 'stop sinning' but a life of love, heartfelt love.

Stop and pray right now - pray for love, Gods love to fill you and your life. Pray that you in turn will choose to love God, even in the midst of the worst time of your life. Pray that you will focus on God's love for you when your mind wants to scream at you and tell you to do things that you shouldn't. Pray that you will live in the moment, no longer a slave to the past or worry about what may or may not come in the future. Pray that you will quiet your mind in order to hear God who lives in your heart. And I can tell you from experience that if you can do this, you will feel peace, love, and freedom that you never dreamed of.

What I've Done

2009-01-06T09:37:00.002-05:00

Here is a good song by Linkin Park and the same song covered by Marie Digby

In this farewell
There's no blood
There's no alibi
Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

Of what I've done

Start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done

I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done


Of what I've done

First Linkin Park's version:



Then Marie Digby's:

Take This Sinking Boat and Point It Home...

2009-01-04T07:26:00.000-05:00

Song from the movie Once. Beautiful.

Falling Slowly

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Fight, We must Fight!

2009-01-03T06:51:00.003-05:00

I hate the modern day notion of God. That God is some weak uncaring being who wants people to go to church and 'turn the other cheek.' Bullshit. Did Jesus turn the other cheek when the Pharasies tried to trap him into saying things that went against certain laws in the Torah? NO! He stood his ground and (verbally) fought them. He would not let them do whatever they want and become a holy mat to be walked on.

John Eldredge, in Way of the Wild Heart, calls the Exodus story one of the saddest in the entire Bible. Lets take a look:

But you were unwilling to go up; you rebelled against the command of the Lord your God. You grumbled in your tents and said, "The Lord hates us; so he brought us out of Egypt to deliver us into the hands of the Amorites to destroy us. Where can we go? Our brothers have made us lose heart. They say, 'The people are stronger and taller than we are; the cities are large, with walls up to the sky. We even saw the Anakites there.'" Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you [Notice that God does not say comfort, or guide, or help, you; rather God WILL FIGHT FOR YOU!]

as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." In spite of this, you did not trust in the Lord your God . . . Then you replied, "We have sinned against the Lord. We will go up and fight, as the Lord our God commanded us." (Deut. 1:26–41 NIV)

Forty years of wondering the wilderness is a great analogy to our lives. God had delivered his people from Egypt in the most dramatic way possible. He opened up a river to let his people escape then crashed down a wall of water on their enemies. But as triumphant of a victory that was, everyone lost heart when they saw what they were up against next. They would not fight for the promised land and they told themselves it was too much. Doesn't this sound familiar "they are stronger and taller than we" We look at our obstacles and we give up. Then look what happened next :"Israel was thereupon sentenced to wander forty years in the wilderness" (Nu. 14:34).

This is life. If you are unwilling to fight, then you will wonder the wilderness, having lost all heart, unable to find your promised land. God did not create a people to just turn the other cheek or as our society has taught us 'be the bigger person' and not do something drastic. And God is not going to just give you happiness and a life of peace and harmony on a silver platter, you are going to have to fight for it.

God gave us a spirit AND an enemy to fight. So go fight. Fight for what is right. Fight for your spouse your family. Why would you have found love and marriage in your spouse if you were not meant to be together? Why would you be blessed with marriage and only to throw it all away?

The devil is out there to ruin lives. I know for a fact that he tried to ruin mine. He thought that if my wife cheated on me that I would just leave and 'be the bigger person'. I knew that everyone would be fine with me leaving her. Even the Bible says its ok to divorce if your spouse is unfaithful.

But deep down I heard the call. I heard the cry to fight for her, for my family, and yes for myself. For if I had given up that day, I would be in a world of chaos, depression, and regret for most of my life.

If you are going through a betrayal, and very soon after the discovery, I know the things flying around in your head. There are some very very dark thoughts there. Thoughts of suicide, murder, revenge, and hate. Then there are thoughts of doing the right thing. As I was thinking about it, I could feel a wellspring of hope inside me. On that car ride home, while mulling over the decision, I turned to her and she saw that hope in me. She smiled, a deep but unsure of smile and I just turned back to driving, myself not sure what to do. I am so glad that I fought that day. It really has made all the difference in the world for me. I

I say use Joan of Arc's words "In God's name we must fight them!" --Joan of Arc

Where is God during the affair and afterwords?

2009-01-02T06:56:00.002-05:00

So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other way about—He is looking for us. - Simon Tugwell

Read that quote, just one more time (for my sake, please ;)

So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other way about—He is looking for us. - Simon Tugwell

Wow, we sit around wondering where is God? Where is God in all of our pain, suffering and why did He let this happen to ME!!! I know, I've been there. I was so there after the discovery of my wife's affair; so angry at God, so angry that the same God who created the heavens, the earth, creatures of every kind and size, and miracles everywhere would let something SO bad, awefull, painful, and heartbreaking to happen to me. I felt betrayed by God. He could have stopped it, He could have put one finger up and it never would have happened.

But there is so much more to the story that I see now. See, God wants us and our hearts. But he wants them unconditionally. He doesn't want to go around and create miracles and bless you, just so you will look up and notice him, and only THEN decide to give him your heart. He wants you but not only because He can do things for you, on demand. See, He is like any other lover looking for the heart of the loved one. We want love at first sight (or miracle) but God wants everlasting love. And He has been looking for it all of your life.

Once I had forgiven my wife for her part in the affair, I was then free to experience Gods love. And I felt it. I mean really felt it in my life. God is an internal God, one of the heart. And we keep looking for God in miracles and the external world. He's there, but not as much as you want Him to be.

See we want, Quid pro quo, tit for tat, something in exchange for something. "I will believe in you, if you .... fill in the blank. God doesn't want that. This isn't McDonalds. "I want one holy life, riches beyond compare, minus the backbreaking work, oh and one giant miracle right now. Then I will believe in you, God. Did you get all that, God?"

He wants us for no other reason than He is who He is. That's all.

Believe me, God wants you and is searching for you. But this world holds so much more than you can see, feel, touch and taste that sometimes we miss most of it. We miss God gently nudging us to do give in and experience the fullness of life. So, know that God wants you and your heart. It really is quite backwards I know, but its there for the taking.

Matt 22:35 One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment.

In Your Mind

2008-12-29T07:44:00.000-05:00

In your mind. In your mind. So much of this battle that we are all on now lies inside your head. That space right between your ears is where most of the problem lies. That much I have learned from this journey.

See, the enemy wants you to linger on the details, hurt, pain, and junk that comes with a betrayal. But that is not what will help you or what God wants. Live in the moment, not in the past.

Lots of people call you every single day wanting you to sign up for long distance or buy a vacation package or donate money to the big police ball, but you don't talk to all of them, do you? Of course not. If you gave every telemarketer who called your house every minute that they wanted to talk to you, you would never get anything done. So you screen calls, you put yourself on the do-not-call list, you tell people very quickly that you don't have the time or money, and you hang up on them.

So, if you do that with your phone, then why not those dumb thoughts that come to you? Huh? Do it. Start screening your mind and when 'those' thoughts come to you, HANG UP! Take control and hang up. Think of something else. Anything else. Focus on the good or your breath. My new technique that I am using right now is just to focus on breathing. At work I can get very distracted. But I have a lot of time where I do somewhat meaningless tasks and I can just zone out. So yesterday I started to just focus on breathing. And it kinda works. I get more relaxed and in a better mood. So give it a try, but most important is to screen out things that want in, that you shouldn't let in.

Try this on for size:
In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

Living at the bottom of the stairs in your life
Never a smile knocking on your door
The air is blue and so are you
Prehistoric monsters on the floor

Last verse of your last song
And God don't hear dead men
The end of the line is in your mind
And you'll be staying in

In your mind, in your mind
Bone for bone and skin for skin
Eye for eye and tooth for tooth
Heart for heart and soul for soul
Somebody said what is true

Lock it up and close it down
The sound of morning like a dove
High beyond the rattle and roar
Look into the face of love

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

In your mind, in your mind
Sunday words are back again
And you'll eat your fun of the middleman's pie
But just a piece you understand
You'll get the rest up in the sky

Praise and glory, wounded angel
Shuffling round the room
Eternity is down the hall
And you sit there bending spoons
In your mind, in your mind
Father, son and holy ghost
Sacrificial drops the pain
On a silver planet cross
Sanctification on a chain

They say redemption draws knives
Storms of silence from above
Stop your ears close your eyes
Try to find the face of love

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

If you like it here is a you tube version of the song:

2008-12-29T05:56:00.000-05:00

In your mind. In your mind. So much of this battle that we are all on now lies inside your head. That space right between your ears is where most of the problem lies. That much I have learned from this journey.

See, the enemy wants you to linger on the details, hurt, pain, and junk that comes with a betrayal. But that is not what will help you. Yes, you do need to deal with the stuff, but most of the time those thoughts come and you just need to not think about it. You can't spend the next few years reliving the past. Live in the moment, find joy and blessing and God in the here and now.

See, lots of people call you on the phone every single day wanting you to sign up for long distance or buy a vacation package or donate money to the big police ball, but you don't talk to all of them, do you? Of course not. If you gave every telemarketer who called your house every minute that they wanted to talk to you, you would never get anything done. So you screen calls, you put yourself on the do-not-call list, you tell people very quickly that you don't have the time or money, and you hang up on them.

So, if you do that with your phone, then why not those dumb thoughts that come to you? Huh? Do it. Start screening your mind and when 'those' thoughts come to you, HANG UP! Take control and hang up. Think of something else. Anything else. Focus on the good or your breathe.

My new technique that I am using right now is just to focus on breathing. At work I can get very distracted. But I have alot of time where I do somewhat meaningless tasks and I can just zone out. So yesterday I started to just focus on breathing. And so far it kinda works. I get more relaxed and in a better mood. Its easy too; deep breath in and out. So give it a try, but most important is to screen out things that want in, that you shouldn't let in.

I found this last week and I think it fits perfectly:

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

Living at the bottom of the stairs in your life
Never a smile knocking on your door
The air is blue and so are you
Prehistoric monsters on the floor

Last verse of your last song
And God don't hear dead men
The end of the line is in your mind
And you'll be staying in

In your mind, in your mind
Bone for bone and skin for skin
Eye for eye and tooth for tooth
Heart for heart and soul for soul
Somebody said what is true

Lock it up and close it down
The sound of morning like a dove
High beyond the rattle and roar
Look into the face of love

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

In your mind, in your mind
Sunday words are back again
And you'll eat your fun of the middleman's pie
But just a piece you understand
You'll get the rest up in the sky

Praise and glory, wounded angel
Shuffling round the room
Eternity is down the hall
And you sit there bending spoons
In your mind, in your mind
Father, son and holy ghost
Sacrificial drops the pain
On a silver planet cross
Sanctification on a chain

They say redemption draws knives
Storms of silence from above
Stop your ears close your eyes
Try to find the face of love

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

If you like it here is a you tube version of the song:

Alone or Not?

2008-12-28T13:20:00.005-05:00

ACK! Last night I'm sitting all alone watching Nancy Drew. I figure I'd be safe with Nancy Drew, nothing to sneak up and remind me of the Big Bad or the other. Its a movie about a teen detective. What could it possibly hold that would mirror something in my past?

Generally I wouldn't be trying to hide from it so much except during this Christmas shopping season I have become listless and depressed and lonely...which leads to battling thoughts.

So, I'm watching Nancy Drew and what happens? A stupid song that was a memory making song from the Other-jumps out at me and plays for a painfully long time. Stupid movie. Two different times it played!

And suddenly I'm thinking about the Other and the Big Bad and all the junk that comes with it. And I'm thinking about how lonely I am right now. How alone I am and have been since Thanksgiving and I find myself getting scared. I find myself thinking, What if I do it again? What if I'm like one of those cereal adulterers? And that thought scares the shit out of me. I never feel safe.

If there is one thing I've learned, its that anyone is capable of adultery. Even you. You may not think so, you think you'd never stoop to something like that...but so did I. And if I did it once, if I was wrong about the core and substance of who I was, I could be wrong again. Right?

WRONG! Those thoughts are from the enemy and cause me to doubt myself and my faith. My Sage would tell me that those thoughts are me fighting the flesh and "trying" to be good. Not giving it up to God and trusting him to protect me and fight with me against the evil and harm in the world. And it will never happen again because now I fight with more than just my will, but with God.

And more importantly, I have come through this process, have survived and grown stronger than I ever have been. I will feel the warning of the things that led me to do what I did-and I will talk to Husband about them if they pop up so we can fix them. I'm not alone anymore. My husband is with me and beside me in a way he never had been before. I am not alone.

So no matter how lonely I feel, I am never alone. I have God and my Husband with me always.

And you're not alone, because you have me and every other person who has ever gone through this, with you. Our pain and triumph and joy are out there swirling around...we are not alone in this.

Holidays After an Affair

2008-12-24T22:31:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to let you all know that I'm thinking about you. Holidays can be tough after an affair, you may have some bad memories, old memories or facing people who know about the Big Bad. Just wanted you to know I'm praying for you and to hang in there.

If yucky thoughts come at you-push them out. My therapist says, "lots of people come knock at your door, but you don't have to let them come in and dwell inside." So, acknowledge it and then tell them, "no thank you" and close that door-move on.

Another wise person said to stop unwanted thoughts-speak aloud. I find that works. Even if you are yelling at the thoughts to get back-just talking and making sound seems to cut the thought off. Maybe try singing a little tune to banish it.

So take care, be merry and keep on working on your marriage. Seek help, seek support and care for yourself.

Merry Christmas all!

And Time Stretches On...

2008-12-16T14:11:00.002-05:00

I hate this time of year. Husband works retail and is gone 6 days a week for very long hours. We all get crabby this time of year. The house starts to look like a hell hole and I stop being patient and kind mommy. I get crabby with my monkeys.

Littlest Monkey, who will be 3 in April, has begun biting at daycare. Biting has coincided with the Christmas shopping season. He's bitten 4 times since Thanksgiving. I guess on Friday he bit one little girl rather hard and her father became very upset. Now daycare wants to kick out Littlest Monkey. Without a conference or problem solving session or anything. I'm just beside myself worrying about it. And I feel deeply responsible because I've been responding poorly to the things he does and the way he acts. It just makes it worse.

So I'm heading into the darkest part of the forest, the last leg of this mile, because I only have 2 more weeks to last...I'm really beginning to hate Christmas...

Husband is right about all of this though, we have been through so much worse. If we survived an affair we will work out something with daycare. It shouldn't be such a big deal except I feel like its a big part my fault and I worry about him adjusting.

In a time where everyone has so many worries about life. Money, marriages, jobs and illness...my little worry seems small. So I guess I just need to buck up and stop obsessing. And pray for everything to work out, as it always does for me, and pray for those who are worse off than me.

Should I Kill Myself Over My Adultery?

2008-12-08T21:06:00.003-05:00

I don't know about you, but when I saw this search term in my blog stats, I gasped aloud. I thought frantically "Of course you shouldn't kill yourself!" and wondered if there was any way to reach out to the poor soul who thought a Google search might help them decide whether life would be worth living.

This person did happen upon my blog and I can only pray they found some words here to help them decide life was indeed worth living.

But these suicidal thoughts are not a surprise to me. During my moments of discovery I remember clearly staring into the green rocky water...thinking about how I'd have to jump and which spots I could wedge my body between so I couldn't be rescued. I wanted to jump so badly..but I didn't. And of course there was the cutting before that. So, I get it.

But I also know that there is life after an affair. Regardless of whether or not your marriage survives it, there is still life. The Big Bad of an affair will completely throw your life into turmoil. You'll feel alone and scared. Its very raw and it will break you down. But this process of breaking you down gives you the opportunity to rebuild yourself and becomes something new.

You have a chance to start all over again, in a marriage or as a single person learning about yourself all over again. For the still marrieds, this time can be very much like a honeymoon phase, mine indeed was. But I expected it to be a phase and was prepared, as much as I could be, for the outbursts and hurt that still came. But our honeymoon lasted a few months and we spent a lot of time talking, loving and caring for each other. There was a lot of work done and foundation started in those months so when the hard work came we had something stable already started. One thing I'm happiest for is the week Husband and I took off to spend together a few weeks after the discovery. It was just about he and I, something we hadn't had in years, and it made all the difference to our healing.

For the no longer marrieds, it can be a new and exciting time to get to know you. To deconstruct your personality and relationship and really learn what happened and what you want after your your healing process is finished.

Both groups really need some professional help through this. There is nothing like having a guide to lead you through the dark of the forest.

And if you can't afford a guide, then perhaps you'll be able to find some solace here, or in our online message board. Because life is still worth living.

800 LB Gorrilla..

2008-12-07T12:16:00.005-05:00

Thats what I feel is sitting in the corner staring at me with a little knowing smirk on his face. Its that heaviness that you feel when someone starts talking about adultery. Admonishing someone they know who is carrying on some illicit affair. And all you can do is sit there quietly trying not to be too obvious with your discomfort.

This is sometimes how I feel in the presence of my sisters. Not many people know about the Big Bad, but during the discovery I texted one of my sisters, nearly giving her a heart attack while she was driving.

Apparently they all knew something was going on, but weren't sure what. Anyway, I told her to just tell everyone about it for me...I was still working on an exit strategy, I was pretty sure Husband and I would be over and I would somehow end up being with the Other.

Her response was a big fat no, she wasn't telling anyone and no one needed to know. Then she told me to go see a counselor she knew. The best advice I've ever had and what saved my marriage.

Anyway...during the discovery, Husband broke two very old chairs that had belonged to my mother and at some point I had to explain what happened. So, I told her vaguely, while crying, about what happened. I didn't give details, just a little bit. At this time she was at another sisters house. So, in my head, I count 2 siblings and my mother who I know for sure knows.

But my sisters talk. A lot. And I know things about them they don't think I know because someone else told me. So I'm never quite certain who knows. And thats when the Gorilla sometimes comes.

When the topic comes up about someone having an affair all I can do is try to seem engaged and think of a clever way to change the topic. I can't join in their disgusted admonitions and I can't show my sympathy to the betrayer (of course the betrayed gets the well deserved sympathy).

(Mea Culpa) Since the Big Bad I have such a different perspective on this topic. I belonged to the outraged masses who condemned such awful behavior... but now I have sympathy for the betrayer because I understand the turmoil and self loathing and addiction they feel. Hating and loving everything, feeling things they feel they don't deserve to feel, not even knowing what to pray. During my awful months all I could do was pray that God's will be done. I didn't know what else to pray. Its in my nature to be a peacemaker, Swiss...to stick up for the person that is being raked across the coals. But having been in the drivers seat of Adultery...I just sit silently and listen. I can't bring myself to say anything.

So here I am, over a year later, and sometimes I feel intensely uncomfortable. I expect it sometimes, like when I'll see my Husband's best friend for the first time and wonder if he and his wife are thinking about what I did the whole time. And sometimes it'll come out of the blue like when the sister I did tell talks about her crazy whore ex-boss's numerous trysts... But I know this will eventually go away.

And, in the meantime, since it is the holiday seasons and we can't help be around friends and family that may know...all you can do is hold the thoughts back. Fight them, don't think and wonder, just be. We are all human and we make mistakes. All we can do is to pray for forgiveness and work at forgiving ourselves. As time passes I'm am certain it gets easier. Its already gotten easier for me.

So whats the best way to kill that Gorilla? Perhaps humor? Like when someone who knows talks about a friend's awful affair, you could fake outrage and declare how you could never do such a thing...then laugh.... That may not go over very well, but I bet it would sure make someone aside from you uncomfortable.

Oh well, I have no real answers. Chances are, if they are thinking about what you did while talking about their friend's affair, they are probably feeling just as uncomfortable as you and trying to think of a cleaver yet subtle exit strategy. Like when you call someone crazy while sitting next to your bi-polar co-worker.

Good luck with your Gorilla!

"You Can't Handle the Truth"

2008-12-03T19:25:00.002-05:00

I love the passion behind Jack Nickelson when you admonishes the young officer examining him on the witness stand. But I disagree.

After an affair there is the issue of questions and answers. The betrayed spouse has a ton of questions and the other spouse has all the answers. I can see both sides of this one now but I want to give my opinion on it.

The spouse whom had the affair (referred to after as the betrayer) doesn't like or want to answer hours and hours of seemingly endless questions. Questions that bring every little insignificant detail to light. Questions that don't matter, especially if the couple is focused on healing and moving forward. The betrayer feels that this leads to needless hurt, pain, and focusing on the past rather than the future. And to some extent they are correct.

But I know my feelings as the betrayed spouse and offer you this insight.

The affair is like a giant jigsaw puzzle. One of those ten thousand pieces with scenes within scenes. For example, a World War 2 puzzle might have lots of scenes on it. In one spot is the battle of the bulge, in another the invasion of Normandy, the bombing of London, Rosa the Riveter, the Holocaust, and raising the flag at Iwo Jima.

As the betrayed one of the things that you have to deal with is that the world you thought you knew, one of your spouse loving you and being faithful, is suddenly distorted. Part of the healing process is trying to make sense of the world and everything that happened.The betrayed spouse now has all the pieces of the 10,000 piece puzzle of the affair and the betrayed spouse has like 150 of those pieces.

We are trying to make sense of everything and we just can't without being able to see the big picture. Part of that is at least filling in some of those holes. We know that having all 10,000 pieces isn't going to help, but at the same time having only a small part of the puzzle leaves our mind to wonder what was in the empty space.

So at the beginning I knew that my wife cheated on me, that she spent a weekend together in a rented house, and that they sent each other tons of texts, emails, yadda yadda yadda. But then I needed to know more. Like what was the weekend like? What did you do? Did you go out to eat? Did you do anything in public? Did you kiss? Did you drive anywhere? It was really my way of putting the puzzle together.

See without all these seemingly insignificant details, the puzzle doesn't make sense. If I told you about World War 2 but only spoke the invasion of Normandy, you couldn't understand the war as a whole. There is no way anyone can understand WW II if you don't talk about the Holocaust. If you don't see at least some pictures of shoes, piles and piles of shoes, or people being herded into trains then you can not truly fathom the depth or the meaning of the Holocaust and therefore WW II.

The same holds true in an affair. You can't know every single detail of every minute, but having some or most of the details gives you a much better idea of the bigger picture. It also helps to put what little sense of the now changed world, back together again.

The other thing about the information is that it does create an unbalance of power. Since only one person has the power that is the information about the betrayal, the other one has nothing. Sharing the information (willingly and HONESTLY) does help to restore that balance.

So yes, Jack, maybe I can't handle the truth, maybe I'll even cry during the telling of the truth, but I need it to make sense of the world.

You'll Come Back

2008-12-02T22:37:00.002-05:00

More from Regina Spektor, I just heard this song when I watched Prince Caspian. Its really nice. Watch and read the lyrics.

Sorry for being MIA

2008-11-29T20:16:00.003-05:00

Things in my world have been a bit hectic lately. I posted here about my trouble with my best friend, and to remedy that we decided a weekend away together would be the answer. However my car decided to completely die while I was 5 hours from home, and anyone I knew for that matter.

Anyway, I rented this car, which I fell in love with. I totally want one now. And we only had one car for two weeks. This is what I learned. When my husband is home with me in the morning and evening every single day, I am insanely happy. SO HAPPY. I was giddy. I knew it was just a quick stint of him changing his shift around to accommodate our lack of car, but it felt so wonderful to be with him. I told him I would live in a shoebox forever as long as I could have him.

And now we finally got our car back and here comes the insane loneliness. With the loneliness comes depression and the depression brings back the memories of the Big Bad. I have to say, though, that I amaze myself at how well I'm able to fight off the attacks of those memories. And I know that the schedule my husband is working will only last through the holidays and soon he will be home more. Not as much as he was during out time without the second car, but more than right now.

Its so hard to be married and healthy and remain connected. To talk to each other and to force yourself to say what is in your head. I remember being very deliberate in the beginning of our recovery, to say exactly how I was feeling and thinking. I needed him to know what what in my head and I needed to not feel like I was ever hiding anything from him ever again.

During these low moments, I find myself almost reverting back to the old style of communication. The withholding and ignoring of my feelings. I have to fight that. We all do. We need to be open, gentle and loving in our communication.

Recently I read a post on my parenting board that disheartened me. These are women I've known online for nearly 5 years. We are on a private board together and most of us have met others IRL at some point through the years. So reading this post made me very sad. The post was from one woman asking how hard it was to be single because she and her husband weren't getting along anymore. She just didn't love him. It sounds like they fought quite a bit and they had gone through counseling for some time. When I posted about the Big Bad when it happened I remember her commenting that counseling was helping her and her husband tremendously. So I was surprised at her post.

But that wasn't entirely what saddened me. What made me sad was how many of our small group posted back that they felt the exact same way. So many. All I could do was post about how I'd discovered a love for my husband I never thought was possible...I wanted to give them hope. I want to give all people in lost marriages hope. Because if I can fall in love with my husband 10 years after I married him, then they can rediscovered what they first loved about each other.

Children, jobs, life and the thirst for adventure pulls us away from each other. We need to find adventure in each other, make time for ourselves outside of our children and to not have our job define our life. We need to pay attention to each other, hear each other, look into each other's eyes and say what is in our hearts. And you have to work-HARD. Its hard work, and you're tired. But you have to do it.

And I guess that's all I have for tonight. I'll try to post more frequently. I'm sure I will since my darling husband will be working quite a bit. Lots of time for random thinking to be done.

Forgiveness

2008-11-24T21:01:00.003-05:00

Forgive
11/24/2008

We must forgive those who hurt us. The reason is simple: Bitterness and unforgiveness are claws that set their hooks deep in our hearts; they are chains that keep us held captive to the wounds and the messages of those wounds. Until you forgive, you remain their prisoner. Paul warns us that unforgiveness and bitterness can wreck our lives and the lives of others (Eph. 4:31; Heb. 12:15). We have to let them go.

Forgive as Christ has forgiven you. (Col 3:13)

Now – listen carefully. Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling – don't try and feel forgiving. It is an act of the will. "Don't wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving," wrote Neil Anderson. "You will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made . . ." We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past, for "if your forgiveness doesn't visit the emotional core of your life, it will be incomplete." We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we choose to extend forgiveness to our father, our mother, those who hurt us. This is not saying, "It didn't really matter"; it is not saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says, "It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And I release you. I give you to God."

It might help to remember that those who hurt you were also deeply wounded themselves. They were broken hearts, broken when they were young, and they fell captive to the Enemy. They were in fact pawns in his hands. This doesn't absolve them of the choices they made, the things they did. It just helps us to let them go – to realize that they were shattered souls themselves, used by our true Enemy in his war against femininity.

(Captivating (John Eldridge), 102-103)

I also think its important to hold this same as true for forgiving yourself. Self hatred leads to many a dangerous path, many a poor choice and many a broken relationship. Let God give you Grace, learn about it. I had to, I didn't understand it at all. I am so happy to have finally understood his grace and been able to forgive myself for my transgression.

Surviving Adultery Message Board repost

2008-11-02T07:08:00.002-05:00

Its come to my attention that the message board may be hard to navigate. I've used runboard for about 4 years for my parenting message board so its like breathing to me, lol. But I imagine new users may have some confusion.

Originally I wanted to require membership to post in the interest of protecting people from unhelpful comments. But for now I'll just open it up to logged in users.

First, click here and sign up for an account. Once you have an account you should be able to post on the board. Here is the link for the board. Simply click the forum you want to comment in and click the post you want to read. Then to comment click "add reply". Now, because I am new to doing the secure boards, the main chat should be working normally but it is possible that the other ones might be password protected or require membership. If it says you must become a member it should direct you to an online application, just fill it out and I'll approve it.

If you have questions about navigation just post them here or in the main chat and I'll help you out.

Thanks!

Surviving an Affair Online Support Group

2008-10-29T20:04:00.003-04:00

Surviving Adultery Online Support Group

Now Open!

I've had a few different people emailing me looking for support. And while I am here primarily to give support to anyone looking for it, I think there would be a lot of benefit for people who are going through this process to support each other.

I hope you'll take a look at the forum and feel free to pop in and introduce yourself. Aliases are welcomed.

This forum is for people to support each other in trying to save their marriage, and healing and recovery after having an affair. This is not for encouraging people to stay in an adulterous relationship. It can, however, be used to support someone starting over after leaving a relationship after adultery.

Here are the forums. And let me first say that some of these forums are password protected so in order for you to gain access to that specific area you must email me. All of the forums require membership to be able to post, some only allow members to read posts.

Main Chat: Anyone can read this, but in order to write a post or respond to a post you must submit an application for membership to the board. This is for any random posts and questions that don't fit elsewhere.

The Discovery: This is for people who have recently found out their partner/spouse is cheating. Support for them through the first storms of emotional chaos. Husband will be the main active participant in this one, having gone through this himself. Only members and read and post.

You've Been Discovered: This is for people who have recently had their affair come to light and are dealing with the confusing mix of emotions and the questions that go along with them. Only members can read and post.

Marriage Support: This forum is to help people strengthen their marriage/relationship once they've decided to remain together and have survived the initial destruction of discovery. Anyone can read, only members can post.

In the Midst of the Affair: This is for people still involved in their affair that would like to stop leading the double life. Supporting them in dealing with the turmoil that comes with leading a double life and help in gaining the courage to confess and stop. This forum is password protected for reading and posting.

-Scarlett Hester

My Emotional Basement

2008-10-27T20:55:00.004-04:00

This began as an email to my best friend, but as usual, I chickened out and didn't send it. She wouldn't mind me sending it, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. So I'm blogging it. And let me note here that she and I have never had a fight in our entire friendship. Ever.

Lately we have had little tiffs, or more accurately it seems like she has been getting upset with me. For instance she was trying to conceive her 3rd child and wasn't getting pregnant right away, and by right away I mean the first few months. On the other hand I'm not trying to get pregnant but Husband and I aren't 100% careful all the time. I would say we're mostly careful but sometimes there could be a slight chance I could potentially get pregnant (and I mean slight because I had to take clomid just to conceive my first two). So I'm also pretty irregular with my cycle, so during her attempting conception months I would be late and wonder if by some weird glitch, I was pregnant.

Finally she yelled at me when I would wonder if I should test, she was really mad. I felt that was incredibly unfair. She'd only been trying for a few months, its not like she has fertility issues. I work with a woman who took 4 years and 1 miscarriage to conceive. That is trouble conceiving. I just bottled up my feelings. I didn't say anything. I told her it wasn't like I was a crack whore mom getting knocked up with my 8th kid I never wanted.

Then after she did become pregnant and we'd talk on the phone, I'd say something like, "I wish we were pregnant together." Because our first two we were. I miss sharing that. So one day she tells me she felt like her pregnancy has put a strain on our friendship, that she felt like she couldn't share things with me. That floored me. I didn't know what to say besides "how on earth could you ever think that??" She and I have been best friends for 16 years, she has been a constant in life and she is one of the people I love most in the world. Her saying that really pushed me into a sadness I had been ignoring.

We talked about it briefly and we decided that we just need to make phone dates and talk more. That the lack of talking as much was what was causing the strain.

Then tonight she was talking about her big ultrasound coming up. I couldn't remember if they knew the gender from her previous ultra sound or not. I felt like in the back of my head I remembered, but I opened my stupid mouth and professed I didn't-at which point she yelled at me and told me now she was really mad at me. I do remember now her telling me she went and bought something pink...

I shut down. I just was like, "Dude, I don't remember crap these days." and she said something like I better not, I better be that flighty, and all I wanted to do was hang up the phone and cry.

I guess I could have said something on the phone, I don't know. I just don't have the capacity to deal well with anyone yelling at me anymore. I let shit behind my back slide off (like at work with the psycho drama co-worker boss harassment weirdness) but I can't deal with it up front. I think I spent so much of my energy surviving the affair and the emotions that came with it, that I don't have much left over to control. So I shove them into the basement and hope they'll go away. And they never do. They stay down there and get angrier and darker and more sad.

Am I such a bad friend :( it makes me want to cry... I almost did, I still may. I have so much crap clogging my head, trying to remember so many things, things that don't matter like work crap, I just don't seem to have any room left. I sometimes can't tell the difference between something that happened in a dream and something that happened for real. I'm tired and stressed and I live in a shoebox and I'm fighting depression-situational depression.

And always, one of the things that has terrified me most is the thought of losing her. She has always loved me regardless... maybe that is what I'm afraid of. That she doesn't love me as much.

I am just so sad right now. And the Big Bad is taking advantage of this, starting to whisper old memories in my head... the things I want to forget. Its not plaguing me like in the early days, but I'm afraid they will start to. I'm not sure what to do. I know that clearly I should talk to her, but for some reason I'm just afraid to do so. Perhaps I'm afraid the crap will burst out of the basement and do irreparable harm some how. I'm not sure. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

An Interesting Study About Why Men Cheat.

2008-10-23T20:28:00.004-04:00

This week I read an article about why men cheat, it despelled the age old idea that men cheat for physical/sexual gratification and women are the ones who cheat for emotional reasons. The researcher said almost all of the research was based on the wives reports on their husbands cheating, so they asked the men and here is what they found.

48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.
So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about physical intimacy: Only 8 percent of men said that physical dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity.

That little percentage surprised me. It reminded me of the book I'm reading called Adultery, by Louise DeSalvo. She had this to say, its not completely related, but it still made me think of this. She talks about how she was before she met her husband, wild, passionate, crazy and sexy. Then they got married and she changed, became responsible, made casseroles and cookies and had babies and took care of babies. But she wasn't who he married.

This to me sounds like the story of many women. They throw themselves away to provide and give and care for everyone but themselves. Their essence disappears. She felt this was a factor that contributed to her husband having an affair, but I think this could have just as easily contributed to her having one. Because you start to miss yourself, and when you find someone that you feel sees you-really sees you, and you start feeling like your old self again...well that is the beginning. Or in my unresearched opinion it is.

Now back to the study.

66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.

40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.
Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife

I found this particularly interesting, and it was also true for me too. My Other wasn't nearly as good looking as Husband. I guess that lends to the whole, "its not about sex" thing.

In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void

Only 6% of cheating men had physical intimacy with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.
Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated.

So, there is time to see the signs. Time for fixing. My hope is that maybe there is some way for me to help stop those who are walking down the path of adultery, if that is possible. Duh, its possible, but the straying party needs to want to stop and in my opinion the part of them that doesn't want to stop is stronger than the voice screaming in their head to stop. But that is why stopping the affair ASAP is like jumping into a cold lake, you just close your eyes, run, and jump-you have to tell the truth. The alternative is much more painful.

SO if you suspect, most likely the offending party will deny it. Maybe not. But just keep asking them what is wrong with your relationship, what can you do to fix things, keep fighting.

And if you feel yourself straying, please see there is something wrong with you, or something wrong with your spouse, or more likely, something wrong with both of you. Make them listen, make them understand in any way you can. Find the old you, find the old them, and put those two together again. That is who came together in the first place.

The Test

2008-10-23T20:12:00.003-04:00

These next few months will be the real test for me. Marriage is much easier when life is easier. When bills aren't stretching you thin, the weather is beautiful and you have a lot of time to spend together. Its just effortless.

These next few months promise to not be easy.

I had a taste of life to come this winter and it was not pretty. Husband ended up working 3 weekends in a row, and when he works weekends we don't see him from Saturday morning until Sunday afternoon. It sucks. I was so lonely... and from loneliness came depression.

I hated it, I was afraid of it. Depression, sadness, loneliness...aren't those the first little pieces that lead us to stray? I am always afraid of myself. Above everyone else, I always did the right thing and me not doing the right thing makes me doubt myself completely. I could rationally say something like the affair will never happen again. But I could rationally say before that an affair would NEVER happen at all. I don't know how it happen. Actually I do, I was tricked...by myself, but tricked all the same. Stupid. But I believed completely that I was above something so low... and now I know otherwise. It sucks. But I have learned a whole new compassion for people who find themselves in the unhealthy addiction of an affair.

So during these times when I don't get to connect with Husband I find myself terrified. And the thing I am most afraid of is that this will go away. This thing we have, this love. I lived many years without feeling in love and constantly feeling badly and I am so afraid of that. I'm afraid that all of this is a cruel trick and one day I'll wake up and find out I was fooling myself.

These thoughts and feelings plague me in my loneliness and instead of reaching out, I shut down. I pull in and seclude even more. I now know that what I do need to do is really reach out to my friends to keep me company during these months when Husband works so much. Even just having my neighbors come down to watch a movie with me... or going to my sisters house to watch the boys play. I think that will help.

Its all about self caring. We have to insulate ourselves during good times so when the hard times come we will be ready. Its like an emotional nest egg. You need that plan in place for when things start to get hard.

What have you done lately to care for yourself?

Options

2008-10-06T21:36:00.002-04:00

I heard this song today. It reminded me of what my husband must have felt just after deciding that he was going to choose me, stay with me- give it a month he said. See what happens.

The lyrics, I'm not sure if he told her what he says in the beginning, but he thinks it. And they both declare their love with the other believing it mostly. And that is sort of how it is after the recovery. You believe they love you while not being able to believe it, or wondering if it will change. But you both need each other so much that you stay together. The option to leave is there, and maybe for the betrayed spouse they need to keep it there to have some sense of control. Perhaps Husband will take a listen to this song and tell me what he thinks.

Scratch That

2008-10-05T09:46:00.002-04:00

Ok, I feel better. I have my iPod firmly in place, soft tunes lulling me and keeping me sane. I unplugged the TV and now my monkeys are working together to clean the living and bedroom-of their own volition! A 4 year old and 2 year old! Now that warms the heart.

During the times of aloneness... I really need to focus on the blessings around me. I am truly blessed and lucky and omg, my life could have been such a disaster if things had gone differently. Truly disastrous. But my life is good, my husband loves me and I love him and I am so truly blessed.

Thanks to the Monkeys for reminding me I have happiness around me, even in a shoebox.

Sadness and Depression

2008-10-05T09:07:00.005-04:00

I feel very sad and depressed right now. Part of it has to do with a lot of repressed anger I have. I pretty much have to repress my anger because not doing so would cause strife in the workplace/family. So I just fume, swallow and vent to a friend or husband. But husband is working and I forgot to pay my dumb phone bill so I can't call my friend who lives long distance...and I have no clue where my cell phone is. Hence the silent fuming.

But its starting to poison me a little bit. It makes me angry, sad and easy to frustrate. I have to work even harder not to lash out at the kids and be calm.

And then I live in a shoebox, winter is coming, I have two active boys and I am not looking forward to weekends alone shut in the Shoebox. I feel like a Rat City. In Rat Cities, when they get over crowded they start fighting, then they kill each other, and eventually they start practicing population control through abstinence. I remember this lesson vividly from my college psych classes. They used it to explain part crime and violence in large cities.

I just have to find a way to cope during these next few months-till the 6 months of winter are over. The summer will be bearable, the fall will be fine, and if things go according to plan, we will buy a home and say goodbye to our shoebox.

I really hate living in a shoebox.

Saturday with Regina Spektor

2008-10-04T15:36:00.003-04:00

I really like this artist, she has a great voice and her songs have great lyrics.

On the Radio, a song about an affair by Regina Spektor. Actually quite good.

Fidelity, same artist

Samson, by same artist. I listened to this song a lot after the Discovery. I felt like I'd cut Husbands hair, but he kissed me and loved me the same. Its really a beautiful song though.

Cleaning House

2008-10-03T07:31:00.001-04:00

What do you do once you've decided to end the affair, or once it has been ended for you? For one thing I think it is of the utmost importance to clean house. And what I mean by that is, if at all possible, disappear and get rid of anything that will remind you of your Other.

First off, what I mean by disappear is this. Do what you can to make it impossible for the Other to contact you and for you to contact them. This means changing phone numbers, email addresses, blocking them from your Facebook/Myspace and your instant messages. And you scour everything you have to get rid of their info. Everything. Just don't leave that window even a little bit cracked.

Secondly, get rid of whatever you can that reminds you of the Other. Clothes, scents, songs, movies-just avoid them. This doesn't mean forever, but definitely during your intial months when you're struggling to over come the discovery and/or the addiction. Once you have come to a place of peace you may be able to go back to these things without having painful memories. I don't think I'd be able to... but thats just me.

Thirdly, take back what you can. And what I mean is, take ownership of things that used to be something you shared with the other-share it with your spouse. Rewrite your old memories and haunts with all new ones. Take back every experience you can and replace it with a new healthy one.

I hope this helps you, I know it helped me.

Why Try to Save Your Marriage?

2008-10-02T05:57:00.000-04:00

This is where I was Sept 18th 2007. The perfect storm had come upon me.
I found out that my wife of 10 years and two children:
1.) had cheated on me, spending an entire weekend with another man
2.) she was in love with the 'other' and
3.) didn't love me and in fact had never loved me (in THAT way).

I had NO idea what to do. My world was swirling around me and one minute I hated her and the next wanted her back. I remember a very vivid dream that first night of the discovery. I dreamt that we were dancing in circles; beautiful music was filling the air. Then I woke. I slowly came about to the realization of what happened the day before and I started sobbing and weeping in the middle of the night.

I had to decide something. I had no idea what to do. So the first thing I did was to not make any decision for 30 days. I even gave my wife my wedding ring. My thought was that the time could be used to make the best possible decision for everyone.

Then I decided to go with my wife to a counselor. And after that meeting, I told my wife that I was choosing her. I told her that I was going to try it for real. And that trying, that standing up and making the right decision changed my life.

If I had decided to do everything I "felt" like doing, I would be in jail right now, having gone through my very vivid feelings of wanting to shoot the 'other'. Had it all planned out actually, in my head. Of course I had feelings of hatred, but I choose to go with my feelings of love instead, and that had made all the difference. The right choice is not always easy.

I am sure that there are some marriages beyond saving, but as human beings we have the ability to change and be renewed by life and our experiences.

So why not use this to get back what you had? Better yet, why not start a new relationship based on truth and not holding anything back.

Affairs are so exciting and filled with love, because you are able to give yourself (and your heart) to the 'other' person. I saw that happen with my wife and then through the affair I saw her finally give her heart to me. I saw her, for the very first time ever, give herself to me and I fell in love with her and her giving of her heart.

So give yourself fully to your spouse. Give your heart away, even though society tells us to guard it. We have all been hurt by people in our lives but don't let those get in the way of love and the freeing love that can only be found in a free heart.

So, I know that every situation is not the same, but I know from experience that if you can pull through this, your marriage will be the best thing in the world.

The Insidious Online Affair

2008-09-30T08:35:00.001-04:00

Insidious

1. intended to entrap or beguile: an insidious plan.
2. stealthily treacherous or deceitful: an insidious enemy.
3. operating or proceeding in an inconspicuous or seemingly harmless way but actually with grave effect: an insidious disease.

That is perfect for what can happen when you think you're protected by distance, anonomity and a computer screen. You are free to be anything you want, to pretend anyone you want... but even more...to be yourself.

When you connect with people online, you have a safe way to open your life to them without worry that they will expose your dark secrets. Without having to look them in the face when you give them pieces of you. However, as you intimately share yourself and your life with someone other than your spouse, it can very quickly become emotional.

And even worse, as you find yourself walking down the twisted web of internet relationship, you get closer and closer to making the surreal become real. Its a slippery slope. First innocent chatting, then secret sharing and heartfelt conversations, then not so innocent chatting, then you might progress to cyber sex or pictures or phone sex and before you know it, you find yourself in a sleezy motel between here and South Dakota to meet this "person" you are so in love with.

And you don't even see it coming! You say "Omg, he lives 400 miles away from me. And its just pretend sex, its not real. Its not like we're actually doing it." but you are. And that is how it is insidious. It gives you a false sense of safety. But I warn you all, you are not safe. You can get pulled in and sucked under and be tangled and drowning in the weeds before you even realize you fell off the boat.

I'm just saying...

I thought this picture was interesting...lets pretend "Brad" is your spouse, your therapist or a trusted friend who can talk sense into you. Reach out to help-even if you don't want to. Listen to the little voice screaming in your head and tell someone to help you before you fall off the boat.

Chicken Fried Thoughts

2008-09-29T05:48:00.002-04:00

A friend asked me today how do I deal with the thoughts of my wife and the Other. Hmm.. it had been a while since I have had those thoughts but here's a stab at it.

First I have to say that I thought about it every.single.day for 4 to 6 months. Those first few months I would obsess over all kinds of details. Images that I either read about or that my wife told me about would play like broken tapes over and over. There were days that all I could do was to hold out till the car ride home just to stop from crying all day at work. Then there were nights were I cried all night long. Most of the crying was triggered or all about those thoughts.

But I had a wonderful sage, in our therapist. He definitely helped me through most of the big nagging thoughts that I was having a hard time with. His advice was that most of my issues were in the form of those obsessive thoughts but had a lie under them.

For instance, the fact that my wife and the other had constant contact with each other really bothered me. I knew that they emailed, IMed, texted, and talked many many times all day long. I went back to one month of her cell phone bill and found that she had text messaged him over 550 times in one month. I would obsess over that. I would text my wife and then check my cell phone every minute until she would text back. Of course, immediately I would think of all the contacts that my wife and the other had and want to cry. Then my mind would only go in a downward spiral from there.

'Why doesn't she text me as much as she did to him? Was their relationship stronger/better/bigger than ours? Was he better at communicating than me? Did he do a better job of loving her? Maybe he really was better than me, better at most things and better at loving my wife than I could?

So, I tried at first to just fight those thoughts. I tried very hard not to think about them. In order to distract myself I would think of other things totally unrelated. This is very hard to do 2 months out from D-day (discovery day). And it doesn't work. Believe me when I tell you that I tried. It really only helped me to put off the eventual breakdown of crying, sobbing, and wailing that came when the downward spiral had run its course inside my head.

My sage had the only real technique that really worked. Behind most of these nagging type thoughts, was a lie. And that was always the case with me. If you go back to my inner thoughts above you can almost see the progression that leads to the lie. My insecurity was screaming out 'Am I really a good, lovable, person, better than the other? The lie that my flesh was wresting with was that if I was a 'good' person than the affair would not have happened. But that's not true. I certainly had culpability in the affair, but ultimately it was my wife's choice and not mine. And the amount of text messages that I got or didn't get from my wife after the affair was not an indication of our relationship. (for her the reverse is actually true, as she found herself rid of the obsessive thoughts of her other, she was able to focus on life and work and not being trapped in a sick world lived inside her head)

The other thing that helped me was journaling. In my case I used poetry instead of a true journal, but the same principal applies. I had so many thoughts/feelings/emotions/junk in my head it really did help to take out a notebook and jot some thoughts down. In the first three months after D-day I wrote over 50 poems. Not all good or even made sense, but they all helped in some way to get out a thought or feeling.

In hindsight, I still do have some thoughts. But the 'some' I have is like a trickle of rain for a few moments compared to the day long hurricane that came shortly after the discovery. Since I know that there is a lie behind them all (and have the emotional stability to boot) I can take the time to weed through each one, knowing that just because there is a random thought there, doesn't mean anything at all. I deal with the lie, fry it up in a poem, and move on.

Maybe Not....

2008-09-27T12:04:00.004-04:00

Beautiful Song by Cat Power, when you read the lyrics I think it is amazing. I'll leave it up to your interpretation. And just listen to her voice. Music can be very healing....

Maybe Not: Cat Power

There's a dream that I see, I pray it can be
Look cross the land, shake this land
A wish or a command
I Dream that I see, don?t kill it, it's free
You?re just a man, you get what you can

We all do what we can
So we can do just one more thing
We can all be free
Maybe not in words
Maybe not with a look
But with your mind

Listen to me, don't walk that street
There's always an end to it
Come and be free, you know who I am
We're just living people

We won't have a thing
So we'd got nothing to lose
We can all be free
Maybe not with words
Maybe not with a look
But with your mind

You've got to choose a wish or command
At the turn of the tide, is withering thee
Remember one thing, the dream you can see
Pray to be, shake this land

We all do what we can
So we can do just one more thing
We won't have a thing
So we've got nothing to lose
We can all be free
Maybe not with words
Maybe with a look
But with your mind

But with your mind

How to Stop an Affair

2008-09-27T08:15:00.002-04:00

How does one stop an affair, this is a question I've been wondering about. Many people would just say simply-you just stop. But it doesn't seem to be that simple. The affair and whatever you get from it is intoxicating and addictive and like many addictions, it is very hard to give up a habit on your own.

In my opinion, it seems like the only way to really truly end the affair is to be discovered. Sure, you might stop at some point on your own or because it was stopped by your "Other", but if it is not discovered and just ended by you, I think the baggage sticks with you. You still have everything still locked away inside you, this thing you did, this thing you had. Perhaps you are truly sorry and repentant, but its difficult to find forgiveness for something that is still kept secret.

And on the topic of secrets, secrets are poison. They change you and who you are a lot of times. How many people stop an affair and then spend their days trying to make it up to their unknowing spouse. Racked with guilt. That person becomes "the Spouse who had an affair" and I argue it changes the real you and it turns you into a ghost in your relationship.

A friend of mine recently found out her husband cheated on her many years ago and never told her. I was able to have a long conversation with him and he was telling me even though the affair stopped, the thought processes, the secrets and all that junk that goes with it was still in the head.

My response to him was to say that neither he nor his wife really knew who he was in their relationship. That the husband he was, was a husband that was keeping secrets and coping with baggage, not a free human be to live and grow and love.

This comes to a question I have. Do you tell someone about an affair, even if its over. Before I had committed my own adultery I would have said telling your spouse was selfish and only a tool to try to rid you of your guilt. Better to suffer in silence and not cause pain to your spouse.

I completely reversed my opinion on that after my own incident. I see now that keeping secrets and living in a marriage based on a huge lie is no way to live. Your marriage is a shadow of what it could be. I know if I had never told my husband and worked hard with him on coming to terms with why it happened and trying to forgive myself, I would have lived in our marriage as a ghost. And a marriage based on a lie has a sinkhole as its foundation. (Oddly, I always said if my spouse committed adultery, I wouldn't want to know. I didn't think I could forgive him. I sort of suck that way. lol!)

Of course I'm open to opposing opinions, but I'd like to hear mainly from people who are no longer in the affair. I think, for the most part, if you are still in the midst of your affair, that your judgement on these matters is off. But that is just based on my own experience. So if you had an affair in the past, did you tell the truth and if it was discovered, did you come clean with total transparency? (and when I say transparency, I don't mean all the nasty details, I mean disclosing all lies to your spouse).

A Year Ago Today...

2008-09-19T16:04:00.002-04:00

Husband and I found each other amidst the chaos and trauma that swirled around us. We were lucky, as the storm fought to overturn us, there was a guide there. Like Jesus pulling Peter out of the tossing sea.

Our therapist helped tremendously in those first hours. I am being very serious when I tell you, find the right therapist and go there together ASAP. Those first hours are crucial.

And thankfully we survived and are strong and in love. A year ago today, I feel very much like my life was saved.

Is There Such Thing as a Soulmate?

2008-09-17T19:58:00.007-04:00

This was the question that vexed me during the time I was "away" (which is how I refer to the period of my affair because I didn't live in my body, I was more like a robot than anything.) Was Other my soul mate? Was there such thing? I had never thought so, I didn't think there was just one person out there for me.

A year after I was married my best friend and I went to a psychic. She didn't say anything of much consequence to my bf besides telling her that she wasn't with her soul mate, that made her angry.

But when I went in she could tell I was married even though I was only 21 and had emeralds on my wedding finger, not anything that looked like a wedding band. She seemed to know that things were very bad at home. (I had spent the whole first year of my marriage crying in the bathroom because I still loved my ex-boyfriend and not my poor husband).

She looked at me with such kind eyes and promised me that it would get better. My eyes filled with tears...then she told me that I had married my soul mate, I scoffed in my head, knowing he was not. I disregarded most of what she said after that point. But little did I know.

I've always considered myself an Empath. Not to everyone, but to people who I chose to tune to, it was like I could feel them. Even when we weren't together. Mostly this worked against me because I would tune in to people who were somehow dark and twisted. And try as I did to heal and save them, I could not. Their darkness was always too great. I need to do a blog about the dark ones, the ones that I think opened me up and put some little black seed inside me long ago that took years to burst out of me in the form of an affair. There are many things I still have to write about.

But back to my connection, my Empathy. I ended up binding myself to the Other, I couldn't help it. At first I convinced myself I was trying to help him, I wanted to make his life better. But as time went on I saw that is was more a compulsion... and then an addiction.

I don't know how much detail I want to go in to- I still try to shield my Husband from all the details that he doesn't need to know. He knows all the facts, but he doesn't need to know word for word or have more things in his head about it than he needs to. So I'll probably save detail for a time when this event is further away from us. Its still pretty fresh and raw sometimes.

But I had a few eerie moments where it seemed like we were connected in some other worldly way, some unexplainable way. And I let my train of thought go to pondering if he was my soul mate. It made it less my fault if it was some cosmic absolute that I wouldn't have been able to escape from if I wanted to. It was my way to deflect my blame and let me continue on my path with him.

After the discovery it seemed like I was instantly free and cut free from him. I quit being aware of where he was and what he was doing every minute of the day. I stopped having the conversations with him in my head like I always seemed to be doing. And I stopped feeling him.

Suddenly I was bound and feeling my husband. But not to the extent that Husband was feeling me, something that he had never experienced in his life. Here are some examples.

The first one was a few days after the discovery. I was at work and trying to purge the email address of the Other from my work computer as well as block him from emailing me. Something happened and for the briefest of moments I thought I had emailed him accidentally. I panic, my heart shot out of my chest and I was terrified.

20 seconds later I got a text message from Husband asking me what was wrong. He felt it and he was freaked out. He was in a training all day so he couldn't call me, but I was panicked to explain what happened and let him know that I didn't do anything and had not intended to anything. But... Husband felt my panic, from over 200 miles away.

The other time I remember very vividly was when I journaling about the discovery. This was a few weeks after everything. I was writing the awful details and moving through a whole host of awful uncomfortable emotions.

excerpt from journal- Sept 29th, 2007

...Finally when the night came so did my tears at the thought of me sleeping separate from Husband. I finally was allowed to lay on the floor beside him and although he was filled with hurt and anger-

(Husband just called. He's not doing well. I think he picked up on what I was writing. His feelings started as I started writing... then he tried to write what he was feeling and it only made him feel worse.

He really seems to feel me now, sense me. And I worry because mostly I am numb. I think my subconscious is holding everything at bay because it knows it will crush me.)

I am skipping to the good stuff now. Just know there was tremendous hurt and I was the cause.

Then we walked into the office of our therapist, a christian counselor, and told him our troubles. Something about him, his kind face, concerned eyes and soothing voice calmed the storm in Husband.

(Husband just called again. he felt suddenly better and asked if I was writing still. I laughed and said yes but the good stuff. He said he could tell)

Weird, huh? Maybe coincidence. But get this one. This next one will freak you out.

I'm a vivid dreamer and am prone to nightmares. One night I had a dream about everyone's eyes turning black. I don't remember this dream, but Husband tells me I woke and told him about it during the night.

A few nights later I had another dream. This time I had a dream that Husband's eyes were turning black, there was an oil like darkness seeping across the pupils to blot out his sight and possess him with demons. I had to fight the blackness by repeating phrases from the bible constantly. I woke up freaked out and told husband about it.

It was probably later that day that he sat me down and told me he had to tell me something. Every time he does that I am stricken and the blood drains from my face. Even still, almost a year later.

He told me that the Other had a blog that he found and that he had been looking at it. He said that the night I had my first dream was the day he looked at the Other's blog and the picture of the Other had his eyes blacked out. He told me this had worried him, that he thought I was somehow still connected to the Other.

Then he told me the night I had my second dream was the next time he looked at the blog and that this time the eyes had black running down his face and coming out his mouth-it said the picture was horrible, dark and scary.

He said that it hadn't been a recent blog post from the Other, it had been a few days old, so he determined it wasn't the Other I was connected to, but to him and what he was seeing that was bothering him. Both times he'd looked at it, that night I dreamed about the blackness taking over the eyes. But the second time it was Husbands eyes.

This freaked me out on more than one level. But more than anything I took the warning from my dream and told him that he MUST NOT go to his blog ever again. I deeply feel it was a warning.

So in the end of all of this... perhaps there is such a thing as a soul mate. Perhaps the psychic was right about us. Regardless, I do know there is such thing as a God Intended Mate because I feel strongly that husband and I are, at the very least, that. But probably much much more. I just never opened myself to see or feel it.

p.s. to those who have emailed me, I'm a little behind. Please check your email, I am responding.

Being Deliberate in Your Marriage

2008-09-11T20:33:00.004-04:00

After the discovery of my affair, and the subsequent salvation of my marriage, I found myself having to be very deliberate in my communication and interactions with my husband.

Self awareness is very important during these times, knowing what is going on in your head and why and then sharing it is integral in the healing process. How often do we act out, react to something in anger when deep down we know there is something at the root of us that makes us act this way? Some undiscovered hurt? I know I've been guilty of it.

For instance if your partner says something to you that hurts you, instead of reacting with anger and accusations which would escalate the issues, why not peel back that layer of the onion and see whats there. Tell your partner what hurt you and why. As we tell our children, "Use your words".

Communications is often the first thing that breaks down in a marriage. Communication is like the oil in the car, as it runs low you aren't necessarily aware. But then strange things start happening, other things start breaking... then the car can't run. And pretty soon you killed the engine. But I don't know enough about cars to make a good car analogy.

But I think I can do walls.

Walls

We as people build little walls around ourselves, we use them to hide, to keep us safe from arrows and protect our secrets. Its a pretty little wall and we've become so used to it that we don't even notice it anymore, it becomes part of our natural landscape.

Then one day we're patrolling our wall and we see someone, we think we know them-it may look like our significant other, but we're not sure. In the light it sort of looks like the punk kid who wrote profanity on the wall a year ago. So we think, 'better safe than sorry' and just shoot random, poorly aimed arrows before they have a chance to hurt the wall.

And maybe they're just loitering. They are standing there, minding their own business. But they look like they could be up to something. So you go for the hot oil and pour it down the wall. Before they know it, they're burning with hot oil and they have no idea why.

But you do. You know that you're just afraid they are going to break down your wall, find you and hurt you.

What you should do instead of pouring that oil or throwing rocks, is lower the drawbridge and let them in. Show them the raw core of you. You may be surprised.

In times when you find yourself ready to fire off the verbal arrow-stop. Spend a moment dissecting it, figure out what is at the root of your reaction and then put it out there simply and honestly. It saves time and heartache and it hurts a hell of a lot less than hot oil.

What I'm really saying is to cut the bullshit and get to the point about your feelings. Don't mask them or transfer them or act out because of them. Own them, then throw them out there and move on with your life.

Family & Friends and Your Wall

Sometimes its not your spouse outside your wall, its your family friends or even just society. They're out there shaking their pitchforks and waving their torches and yelling at you to keep guarding the wall and not to dare let down that drawbridge.

You sit up there knowing you want nothing more than to let someone in, but you're afraid you'll look weak. You wonder what the mob would think, who cares what they'd say. But you know what, who cares? Let me ask you, who do you live your life for? And who should you live your life for? Think about that. If you were true to the core of yourself, what would you do?

In a relationship that has suffered adultery, when the victim decides to stay with their cheating spouse, they are met with confusion and skepticism from their friends and family. How many times have you heard "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Do a Google search, you'll get a gazillion responses with people making this statement.

Your friends and family are often not supportive of rescuing the marriage. They have righteous anger for the wrong you suffered. They don't understand that although they can be angry and hurt for you, they also need to be supportive and understanding of your need to try to save your marriage.

During those initial days after the discovery its so important for you to be strong in what you want, and not let them sway you. You probably are having those same thoughts and feelings on your own, moving up and down in the storm of your emotions. But at the heart of you, you want to fight for your marriage. And so you should, because it is better to have tried to save your marriage than to lose because you didn't bother to fight.

That is primarily what this blog has become. I started to try to process and come to terms with what I did. But now we just want it to be a place people can go to get hope and encouragement as they work on their marriage.

Making the Choice to Save Your Marriage

2008-09-11T18:21:00.005-04:00

I've been reading another blogger who recently went through her discovery. I linked to mine so you can know what I mean by discovery. I didn't link to her because she's going through so much, I'm not sure she'd want more people looking at her turmoil and I'm not certain she'll keep blogging. Talking with her through comments, and reading her other comments has made me think of all sorts of things.

In those moments of the discovery it is imperative to make the right choice, and the right choice for your family. As much as we are pro saving your marriage here, I know that not all marriages should be saved. Believe me, I know this. But, with the exception of emotionally/physically abusive relationships, I think that the right thing to do is to at least try.

And why not try? What else do you have to lose by trying? You have so much to lose by giving up and letting it all end.

I knew if everything came out and if I lost my husband, it would be the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I could see myself as an old woman looking back at my life and knowing that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I knew that I would be miserable.

When I was sitting in the office with the counselor that day after the Discovery, he asked me what I wanted. A whole host of things flew through my head. I thought about the Other, the connections we had, how badly I wanted to be married to someone I was in love with. I wanted to be free to be in love. But that wasn't really the right answer. If I was truly objective the answer would be that I wanted to love my husband desperately.

So when he asked me, I said, "in a perfect world, I'd love my husband."

I'm sorry I cannot really explain what happened in those next moments. I can't explain how I fell in love suddenly. Love that I had never felt before. This is where it is a bit different for me than many others. I started with Husband knowing I didn't love him like that. But content to be with my friend and feeling like I'd never love anyone. It wasn't me settling, it was me making a choice to pick someone I knew would make a great husband, friend and father. I thought that would be enough, but it wasn't.

Many people who marry have been in love with their spouse at some point. There was something there that drew you to each other. Over the years you lose so much of yourself. Love is replaced with resentment and apathy. Pretty soon you're a stranger to each other.

But if you opened yourself up, opened your life and your heart and all the secrets in your soul to your spouse, and your spouse to you... you could begin again. You could start new and build something beautiful from your broken marriage.

If you were the betrayer, like I was, that choice of fighting isn't so much in your control. You are at the mercy of your spouse to decide if they can bear to be with you anymore. But, in those moments you could chose complete an total honesty. You can be fully open with them and do everything you can do to convince them you want to get help for your marriage.

I just hate seeing people give up. Seeing people who know there is something broken in their marriage and that they don't love their spouse, decide it is too late. Sometimes its not too late.

I had no reason to fight, I knew I never loved him, what would make me think that would change? And we'd had so many fights over the years, so many hurtful pointless patterns we fell in to. They hadn't changed in 10 years of marriage, why would they change now?

But they did, fully and completely change. When something so awful happens your whole life goes through an enormous change and you have no choice but to adapt, to kick through the water to the surface, take that deep shuttering first breath and make for the nearest shore.

Keep swimming, swim until your arms give out. And if you don't make it, if you sink into the water and drowned, well, at least you know you gave it everything you had. You tried your best. You can move on and make the best of your after-life. But, please, at least try to make for land.

Kings and Queens in Exile

2008-09-11T05:00:00.001-04:00

So often, especially after a tragedy in our life, we cry out "why, why me God" These feelings, especially after a betrayal by your loved one, strikes us to the core.

For those still stuck, it may seem quite the opposite. Thoughts may be
'why am I stuck here and not with the Other?'
'why did I not meet the Other, until too late in life?'

It strikes us in our heart, because this is not the way life is supposed to be. Life is supposed to be better and our heart and souls know this to be true.

The 17th century philosopher, Pascal, writes:

Man is so great that his greatness appears even in knowing himself to be miserable. A tree has no sense of its misery. It is true that to know we are miserable is to be miserable; but to know we are miserable is also to be great. Thus all the miseries of man prove his grandeur; they are the miseries of a dignified personage, the miseries of a dethroned monarch…What can this incessant craving, and this impotence of attainment mean, unless there was once a happiness belonging to man, of which only the faintest traces remain, in that void which he attempts to fill with everything within his reach?

The void that is there, the misery that we feel so often in this life should not be something to dwell on. No, it should push us onward, knowing full well that the life we seek is so much more than what we have in hand. The life we seek is of a King or Queen. It is to return to the time in the Garden of Eden. To commune with God and be in his presence is what our heart seeks. And that has been lost.

John Eldredge, in The Journey of Desire writes:

Should the king in exile pretend he is happy there? Should he not seek his own country? His miseries are his ally; they urge him on. And so let them grow, if need be. But do not forsake the secret of life; do not despise those kingly desires. We abandon the most important journey of our lives when we abandon desire. We leave our hearts by the side of the road and head off in the direction of fitting in, getting by, being productive, what have you. Whatever we might gain - money, position, the approval of others, or just to get away from the discontent itself - its not worth it.

"What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world and lose his own soul?" (Matt 16:26).

GO now and seek your country. You may be lost, but not forgotten. God desires you and of all things, your heart. That's it. That's all he really wants. Return to the King of Kings and you shall have everything that God intends you to have in life; Joy, Happiness, Mercy, Grace, Forgiveness, and most importantly of all LOVE.

The Storm that Comes: Higher Power's Role Saving your Marriage

2008-09-09T12:12:00.004-04:00

We talk a lot about God here, and since we are of the Christian faith we write from that perspective. But I think a lot of what we say can be translated across all faiths, all people, and everyone searching for something more.

I've been thinking a lot about something I heard in church. The story in Matthew (14:22-36) of Peter in the boat with the other apostles. There was a huge storm, they were terrified and thought they were going to die. Then Jesus comes walking across the water. Peter calls to him and Jesus tells him to come to him. Peter steps out onto the water and begins to to go Jesus but as a wind sweeps across him he gets fearful and starts to sink. As he sinks he cries for help and its not till he is sinking that Jesus grabs him and pulls him up, chiding him for his lack of faith.

I see this story in reference to affairs. I think the affair is the storm that rocks your boat and makes you feel like you might die, regardless of your other emotions. And often, as will happen, it is discovered. The discovery is the moments you are sinking into the water, certain that you will be swallowed up by a sea of horrors. But, that is the time to call out for the higher power.

Your marriage is about to drowned and you are at your wits end, fearful and ready to die. Calling out, reaching up for a higher power to pull you and your spouse to safety might just save your marriage. Your higher power gives you a vehicle to unload your baggage and carry you through the emotional twists and turns, hills and valleys that come with the aftermath of an affair. Because you have this vehicle you know you will reach your destination more safely and timely than if you were trying to walk the road alone. And if you have your spouse in the car with you, trying to help you navigate, taking turns at the wheel, it is that much easier.

You have to be on your knees, knowing everything is about to end in order to shed off the old scars and decide to be reborn in your marriage.

If you are sinking right now, reach out for help. Now is the time to act, and if its not through a higher power, then find a professional. Actually we strongly believe that a professional is a great way to have an unbiased, third party, help you and both of you along this journey. Even though we felt God beside us during our journey, our therapist, our sage, was there as well giving us timely advice and help. Because time is precious, those first moments after the discovery, while you're sinking into the darkness, those are the most important moments. That was the moment when I made the right decision and spoke aloud the words that would save my marriage, and I was graciously given that which I requested. You can too. Miracles do happen.

Finding Home

2008-09-06T07:53:00.002-04:00

Through all my years of marriage, nothing ever felt like home. And even more, everything always felt temporary. In our first 10 years of marriage we lived in 11 different apartments in 6 different cities in 3 different states. I always thought I was looking for an adventure, that we needed some great cause or some great excitement in our life. But I was very wrong, I can see this now.

I now know that I could never find home anywhere because home is inside of you. The hole in my marriage left me feeling like something was always missing. I just didn't put two and two together and realize it was pointless searching for a home when I wasn't at home in my marriage.

Now that everything is different I feel very much at home, even though I know the apartment I live in is temporary. I am at home here and at home in my marriage because of my new love for my husband. My wanderlust is gone. What a relief.

Adventure

2008-09-04T05:00:00.000-04:00

So, last week I had a setback (you can read here) and then this weekend I had an epiphany. I was working and just zoned out enough to pay attention to the job, when it hit me. The reason I'm still looking for/yearning for is the adventure.

See, Eldredge (I know, I know - I should start a fan club- but he's almost that good) speaks of adventure. Its universal, both men and women seek something bigger than ourselves. We yearn to be a part of something much larger than our mundane life. That's why guys root on 'thier' team. See its not just a game. Its much much bigger than that. Football is like the gladiator of our times. As a fan you get to be a part of that.

My best friend is a HUGE Boston Red Sox fan. Huge. He lives his life as a fan. He buys the baseball cable package every year and out of the 150 or so games they will play in a year he will watch about 100 of them. We have traveled around the country to see them play (Milwaukee, Detroit, Chicago, and of course Boston) He buys new hats, shirts, and whatnot all the time. He reads about them and watches highlights--even after watching the entire game. When they lose he gets mad, throws things, and is generally disagreable for a day or so. When they win, high fives all around!!! He has been known on many occasions to start conversations with complete strangers (old, young, male, or female) on the off chance that because they have a 'B' on their hat, they are as a devote fan as him.

The point is that he isn't just a fan of some dumb game, he identifies with them. He is part of the Red Sox Nation, as they like to call themselves. He gets to be a small part, of something much bigger than himself. He is a Red Sox, even if just a fan.

We all need that. The problem is that God has an adventure for us, and we lie to ourselves if we feel that it is a bit part. We can not be the guy holding the shovel, in the back row while William Wallace gives his speech in the movie that is our life. It is our life. We are the star and God wants us to step up and get in that role. We are center stage in a great adventure with God as the director and us as the main character. I know that I myself need to really flesh this out and find out what/where God is directing me, but at least I know can say that I am ready for it and yearning for it.

Healing; Not Forgivness

2008-09-03T03:56:00.001-04:00

Its sad for me to see the Christians run around and preach. It really is. Everyone has got it wrong and they continue to push the wrong message to the world. Yes, Jesus offers us forgiveness of sins, but thats not all. Thats not even close. If we only hear that message we are left stuck in a world of hurt, pain, suffering, and our souls left wondering. Wondering for more and when we can't find it we turn to other things for help. Read this quote from Jesus, and tell me what think.

For this people's heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them. (Matt. 13:15)

So where does Jesus talk of forgiveness? Not here. He talks of healing. It is not a metaphor, its not pie in the sky, and its not some reference to heaven. Many christians (in their wanting to rationalize away everything), turn all of Jesus' teachings into a wait for heaven approach to life. "When I get to heaven, it will be all better" Thats not what this passage speaks of. It speaks of healing, here and now.

Jesus' teachings here on earth were about healing. Thats why I get upset when christians run around with thier signs that proclaim 'Jesus Saves' and 'The End is Near'.

Jesus healed the sick, cured the blind, stopped the bleeding, and even gave life to the dead. Thats what Jesus taught. Healing - now.

Explosions

2008-09-01T18:27:00.003-04:00

Explosion is the only way I can describe it. It takes you by surprise, comes from no where..without out a warning and suddenly you're just a gooey gross mess.

The last week or so I've been in a funk. And when I'm in a funk I find myself feeling disconnected from Husband. Even though I've gone through these moments before, and have come out of them fine, they still scare me.

Usually they last a little while, maybe a week or two, and when its over I collapse into Husband's arms telling him how much I missed him, wiping away some stray tears.

However last night I totally and completely exploded with emotion. It was after some much needed very deliberate intimacy. I was happy, feeling happy and suddenly I just exploded into a blubbering crying mess. I confessed how scared I was, afraid that my feelings for him would turn out to be a cruel joke and I'd have to go back to pretending. During those moments, I know that is my darkest fear. That somehow I'm tricking myself. But always, the fear will suddenly melt away and I tell Husband how much I missed him. And always the feelings of closeness, connectedness and in-love-edness (which is not a word) returns. And I realize my fears were unfounded.

Through my choking sobs I began laughing at myself for crying so explosively. And as I cackled like a crazy woman, I wept...at.the.same.time. I was able to choke out that I was acting like a crazy lady. I think I was just overwhelmed by everything I'd been feeling for the last few days, and feeling so lonely while Husband was working. I really need to take care of myself during the alone times. Need to find some friends or something, I'm telling you.

I think after a major breakdown the emotions can be somewhat unstable. There are many triggers for feelings our body and senses remember, even if our mind doesn't. For instance, sex was a huge trigger for me. For 11 years Husband and I never made love. Not once. It was always sex, great sex, fucking even. But never slow lingering love-making where you stare into the eyes of the person with such love and longing.

In the moonlight, the night of the Hilltop Discovery, was the first time we'd ever made love. Husband was amazed sex could be something so wonderful and intimate and fullfilling. I always knew it could be that way. I longed for it.

So after the discovery and Hilltop, any time intimacy was something beside slow and loving I totally freaked out and bawled like a baby. It just brought on so many memories of 10 years of emptiness. I couldn't take it.

Wow, probably TMI for many readers out there. But hey, I'm trying to be transparent.

Music: Soundtrack for your life

2008-08-30T07:56:00.003-04:00

I don't know about you, but I know that music can totally mirror my mood or even change it completely. I remember sitting in church when I was an angsty teen and feeling very mood and unhappy. I was dating a psycho at the time so that is probably why.

Anyway, our church decided to sing the Cat Steven's song, Morning Has Broken, and for some reason it just lifted me up and made me happy. Not so sure why, it just did and frankly I didn't care because it was a relief to not feel like crap.

Music can be like that, a friend to help you process, to pep you up or to commiserate in misery with you. After the Big Bad I had Husband listen to the song Fight Test. That song was really helpful to him when he was feeling down, it spoke about what could have happened and reinforced his feeling of strength and masculinity as a protector of our family.

I had my own songs during this time. We actually created Albums to accompany us through the various stages of our journey. Soulkissing was the first album, then Coming Through the Woods, after that came Outside the Blastzone and now we're ready to move into a new album, I'm not certain what it will be called though.

One of my favorite songs from Soulkissing, which was essentially a mix of sappy love songs, is Sugar High. Great song!

So I recommend anyone going through this sort of experience to create your soundtrack, use it to help you through the hard times. Pick things that speak to you about your feelings and give you a sense of hope. It will help.

And now for...

SUGAR HIGH. Get ready to dance!

Fighting Yourself

2008-08-29T06:59:00.002-04:00

In the movie, 'Way of a Peaceful Warrior' there is a dramatic scene where the young warrior must learn to 'let go of himself'. The scene unfolds on the top of a clock tower on his college campus. He first thinks that he has to talk someone out of jumping and then realizes that the person is actually himself.

Ok, not really him, but a metaphor for himself. The self that he has known all his life. Dan Milman is a young, selfish, hot tempered, self centered, shallow young man. He learns that he has to let go of this former self.

A fight ensues and the former self tells Dan that he can't exorcise him because he doesn't know who is without the former self. Its true. We don't know who we are, if we really try to get rid of all the old junk that we have carried around for so long. But if your willing to find out, you can learn a whole new wonderful way of living.

I think that my setback is my former self fighting back. John Eldredge would say that the flesh is always there trying to sabotage things. And there is a HUGE distinction here. Most churches say that we are all evil, we are all born of sin, because of Adam. But that's not really true. See, we have sin in us; but our heart, our core, is not what God tells us to get rid of.

Paul says (Romans 7:20) "I am not really the one doing it, the sin within me is doing it". It is the sin within me that is causing this setback. My former self is fighting for control and that's what I need to get rid of. My heart though is good. The Bible tells us to guard our heart. Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." This would not be the case if our heart was evil or full of sin.

Here is a clip from the movie 'Way of a Peaceful Warrior' (the part I mentioned above is 2 minutes and 28 seconds into it. It reminds me of Matthew 10:39 "Whoever finds his life will lose it and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

Setbacks

2008-08-28T05:00:00.002-04:00

I guess I'm still not 100% sure about this blog and what it means and what my role is here. I really do feel absolutely compelled to help people.

Shortly after the affair, I was searching for help on the web. I didn't find much at all. An ivillage forum for women, stupid web pages, and then I found this. If you get past her shameless 'buy my book, buy my book, and oh, did I tell you I wrote this book', its actually an ok site. But her book title (I know, I know) is what really struck me: "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Happened to Me".

At first I thought she was a loon. And she's Canadian, and they kinda like loons, so... But now I get it. I understand the title, because that is what happened here. My wife's affair became the best thing that happened to us. I can still say that it was evil, bad, and dark, but God can take ANYTHING and use it for good. And He did, He used it, we listened and followed, and the Big Bad, became the thing that took us closer than I ever thought that two people could be.

So today I had a setback. Weird because I was on such a good run for over two months. I had consistently balled, walled, cried, what have you, up until June. Then I had my epiphany about life and living and since then, fucking great! I mean no weird thoughts, trust issues, wanting to punch the steering wheel on the drive home, or crying and not being able to stop. Nothing like the first 8 months. But today I think I opened the door, just a crack mind you, and let in the wrong stuff.

I have talked before about the 'Brewsters Millions' game we played. I would play the lottery and fantasize about what would I do if I won.

Since our discovery, I have played the lottery a few times without any thoughts or dreaming but this time was different. I actually dreamed, over the course of a week, of 6 numbers. And since I rarely even remember what my dreams are, to remember numbers was weird, so I thought, why not. And I played those numbers. But the whole day I was distracted by EVERYTHING. Life, the Big Bad, stress, money, work and it was like a tape I couldn't shut off.

And all I got was $10 fucking dollars and that was from the second 'easy pic' ticket and not even my numbers. That sucked. So now I have to pull myself out of this setback and get back to living a life of the spirit and stop living life from yesterday or tomorrow.

And I promise myself to not play. Ever again. Ever. I just can't open that door, even a crack.

Driven to Distraction

2008-08-27T07:07:00.000-04:00

The weekends alone. The nights alone. That is what where I got into trouble. Well, I was in serious trouble way before that. Obviously. I guess the times alone gave me the opportunity to get distracted by the Other.

But I think we had become distracted way before. Distracted from our marriage and from ourselves.

This world is full of so many distractions that its easy to lose sight of what is going on around you. I'm reminded of the movie Wall-E, the people were driven around in their chairs, TV's and Phones in their face blocking out the world around them. When two of these people suddenly found themselves without their screen they were amazed at the things they hadn't noticed about their world.

Living life like that, you might not notice as your world crumbles around you. Suddenly you find yourself sitting in your underwear amongst the rubble.

I think our society is like that. We put a computer, TV, Movies, book, sports, work and children in front of our face 90% or more of the time. Anything to distract us from reality. I think for a lot of men it is their job and a lot of women, it is their children.

Often both people in a relationship get so lost in the tasks of the day that they lose themselves and each other. I know that, as I lived in my marriage and my relationship, I stopped doing the things I loved. I stopped writing, taking pictures and the theater. How I loved the theater. Those were things that excited me.

When you let the things that excite you get lost, then no wonder how easy it is to get addicted to the excitement you feel in a new and taboo relationship. That sounds disgusting to me... I was not after excitement. I plan to go more into what I got from the Other, but that will be another day.

But I think what is important, especially for women, is to take time for you. Do some things for you, things that you like, that build you up. Paying attention to yourself is so important.

And pay attention to each other. Marriage is hard, staying connected is hard, having a happy healthy marriage takes deliberate action. So go look at your spouse/partner today and really connect with them. And keep on connecting.

LIttle Hurts: Part I

2008-08-26T06:55:00.000-04:00

Preface: Mea Culpa

Its weird. I never set out to meet anyone, never in my life would I imagine I'd find myself in such a situation. And because of that I was not guarded, I guess.

I don't want to act like I am making excuses. I really am just trying to dissect all of this, and maybe be helpful to some people who are going through this. Maybe what I saw and went through could be helpful.

The first time I "met" the other... it was like listening myself talk. He seemed to understand a very deep seeded hurt I experienced, understood more than anyone who I'd ever talked to. That is was started it me toward a slippery slope.

Almost immediately I became very...obsessed with him. I just wanted to talk more in depth about it with him. I sort of feel like it was that hurt that made me vulnerable in the first place. And so funny (not funny "ha ha" funny strange) that the hurt was caused by a group of over zealous Christians. They thought they were doing the work of God, and all they did was damage me so spiritually that it took me over 10 years to recover.

Little hurts. Many little hurts built up over time... it begins like that. By the time you understand what is happening, you are too far gone. I think Husband would call these 'arrows' that wound your heart and soul.

The biggest hurt of my life centered around my faith. When we were newly engaged Husband was a part of a Christian group where he was in a position of leadership. I belonged to no such group and, although I had a very deep faith in God, I was private about it.

Just after he'd proposed, Husband and I had one discussion about faith that ended with me crying when he said I couldn't know God because my relationship with Jesus wasn't what "they" thought it should be. These words from his mouth, to say that my prayers and the works I'd seen from God in my life weren't real, hurt terribly.

He never brought up faith again, and so when he was asked by his Christian Leader (aka Bad Man) if I was a Christian, he said no.

No.

No...

So Bad Man told Husband that he must either leave me or convert me, and if he did neither he would lose his position in their meaningless inconsequential little campus ministry. Bastards. Yes, I am still a tad angry. But just a little.

Husband chose to come to me and forceably convert me. He had a chart even. I wept, I cried, it was awful. I couldn't believe that these people were telling me I wasn't good enough for God. And because I didn't have much experience with organized religion, I thougth they were considered to be an authority on the matter. At the end he was like, "Oh, you are a Christian...Hmmmm." and went back and told Bad Man.

It hurt that I wasn't good enough, but it also hurt that Husband couldn't understand why it hurt me so much.

This time in our life has come to be known as November. Because, the entire month I was subject to collapsing spells of grief and sorrow that would often cause me to fall to the ground weeping. In the grass, on the way from the dining hall, in my dorm room, wherever I happen to be.

All this hurt was more painful because Husband couldn't understand why I was so upset. He thought I was being silly. He had no comprehension about why this hurt me so much. Finally I came up with an analogy that hit close enough to one of his insecurities that he finally understood, understood and cried because he felt badly.

But the bigger hurt was that he didn't stand up for me.

For so many many years I put the blame on the Bad Man, he was the leader. But Husband should have stood up for me. At that point in our relationship I hadn't fallen in love with Husband yet (clearly, it took me about 11 years to do that), I was still of the camp that love would come. Had he stood up for me, his shining eyes protecting me, I have no doubt my love would have come shortly after.

But he failed me. When it mattered most, he failed me. And that wound ate at me for nearly 10 years. I couldn't talk about the experience without crying. That experience took God away from me, I didn't have the closeness anymore. I couldn't feel him like I did and it left a huge hole inside me that I didn't even begin to know how to fill.

So when the Other spoke of his darkness and hole left by where God had once been... it struck a chord with me. Finally someone understood what it meant to have something so special and lose it.

Stupid.

I think that hurt caused a huge rift that kept me from ever falling in love with Husband. It was the first time I learned I couldn't trust him, even though he was seemingly doing the right thing in his eyes. Turns out he couldn't trust me either, I guess.

Husband has said that I could write Bad Man a letter telling him the hurt he caused me, he's said that all along. But I want him to do it. I want him to stand up for me, even if it is too late to protect me from that hurt. And I think he will. He's been standing up a lot lately.

Husband is so amazing, the man he has become. The boy who failed me doesn't even exist anymore. And the woman who failed him, she is gone as well. We are both new and very blessed for it.

Mea Culpa

2008-08-25T19:05:00.004-04:00

My fault or my own fault. I just want to put this out there because I could spend the first half of almost every post I write, saying Mea Culpa. And rather than do that, I'll just write this one post and then link to it every time I feel like I'm going to say something that might sound like a cop out.

So... it was my fault. Everything was my choice. I was an adult and I did a very awful thing. I never once want to diminish what I did as being a small thing, I never want it to seem like I ever think it was ok or no big deal.

The pain I might feel or have gone through pales in comparison to what Husband must have gone through. I know this. My pain is small to what he felt.

So... Mea Culpa.

...remember this great song?

Life is not hard, just live it.

2008-08-25T05:00:00.002-04:00

I was listening to a song on the radio and I was really getting into is. Good lyrics, good music, and a good message about life. She was basically saying that life is hard, keep trying. At first I was into it, buying into the message because life had been so hard during the past year, during my recovery and aftermath from an affair. Then I really thought about it. What a bunch of crap. Life is hard, if your heart is stuck and your living elsewhere. But if you give up all that junk, all the living elsewhere and being happy if.... then life isn't hard.

Life can just be life. Sure things happen. Sure you don't have control over alot of things. But if you can take the time to enjoy life and what it offers you don't have to try any more. Stop trying and just live in the moment. Enjoy what you have and stop thinking about what you don't have.

Honestly, try this for a day; count how many times you actually think about yesterday (the past) or tomorrow (the future) and it will probably amaze you.

I was simply blown away when I started to become aware of how many times in just one day I would be trying to "live" somewhere else. I would think of getting a new, better job, a bigger house, more travel. My vacation that is coming up in a few months. I would "fantasize" about wining the lottery and what I would do with it. I would worry about bills, money, life. My job consumed many of my thoughts as well.

Then there were times when I would play those old tapes in my head, over and over. I would think about the times when I embarrassed myself or did something stupid or something I regretted. It was like I was constantly living somewhere else and I didn't even know it. My heart was so disconnected from my life, because I filled my head with thoughts about every possible thing, except for the moment I was living, the present.

Now that I know this, I find that life is not hard. It's easy. It is freeing to just live and not worry, not focus on junk and just enjoy every thing. Sometimes I just look up and enjoy the clouds, trees, and beautiful wonder that is Gods creation. Sometimes I just enjoy the heart felt love from my gorgeous wife. Other times I just watch my kids and let the story of my life unfold without using the time to worry or fret about stuff that may never even happen.

Do I still have thoughts about the past and future? Of course. But where I once lived my life inside in a cave of misery and wishful thinking I now enjoy the sunlight and open fields of Gods love. It is a whole new world of life.

Try it. I mean it, I challenge you. Just take time to be mindful of your mind. Use a notebook or just take a few minutes at the end of the day and see just how much time you spend looking backwards or forwards in time and let me know what you find. I'll bet you will be surprised.

Tending a Fire

2008-08-23T10:29:00.003-04:00

There is something to be said about nature. John Eldredge talks about how society has taught us that a flower is just a flower, boring and normal and everywhere. Instead go buy an iPod, or a cool new mini-cooper car, or a better life.

I get it now. I get that flowers, trees, water, and sunsets are Gods creation that takes us just a little bit closer to our creator, when the world is constantly pulling us in the opposite direction.

This is me. Making a fire. Sometimes you have to put down the remote control and go do something else. So often in life we get wrapped up in the hectic craziness that consumes our daily living that we have to get away from it all to really enjoy life. So go do something with your spouse. Go watch a sunset. Or go for a walk. Go and build your fire.

Graduation Day!

2008-08-22T07:21:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, 1 month shy of a year from the first time we met him, our counselor smiled at us and told us he thought it might be time for us to be finished. He smiled his calm sweet smile and Husband and I beamed back at him. Yes, were are ready.

We may have been ready before this, but I was still hanging on to the baggage of hate and self loathing. I knew in my mind that I needed to let it go, but I couldn't force it. Then I had the epiphany that helped release so much of what haunted me. Suddenly the attacks of remembrance and horror stopped. I was free.

I explained this all to him and he commented that I looked more at ease than he's seen me since we began coming a year ago. And he is right. At the moment I feel like I'm floating in a lulling calm that is gently rocking me in my life. Soothing and comfortable and safe. I still have stress in my life, but I have an inner peace that wasn't there before.

Husband smiled, commented on how, even though I had the epiphany, I still find it hard to verbalize the role he played in what happened. And yes, that is true. I don't want to ever act like there was an excuse. I said that I could acknowledge that the stuff made me more susceptible to making the mistakes I did (although I felt like that took away my free will a bit), but I found comfort in it.

Therapist said sometimes you just can't dissect it all. It just is, without explanation. Things happen and we can find peace in whatever manner we find it, even if it doesn't make sense.

Husband and I left our session ready to miss him a bit, but hoping we can meet under different circumstances some day. And I'm sure we will. I cannot say enough about the importance of seeking outside help to guide you through the process. Therapist was key in healing us in those moments after the discovery, and probably more easily explainable, God through Therapist. He always seemed to say the exact thing we needed to hear to help us through the week.

And he talked, he counseled. As someone trained in the field, we're trained to ask leading questions and let people talk things out. He talked, and we listened and I needed him to say all the things he said. His words were like salve on the wounds, and I am so thankful that it was him we saw that day after the discovery.

So please, if anyone needs help, go find a counselor. And keep looking till you find the right one for you and your partner.

Of Men, Not Mice

2008-08-21T05:00:00.007-04:00

In the movie 'Golden Compass', a 12 year old girl, Lyra, finds Iorek, a bear (able to talk and walk) and seeks his help. But he is doing menial jobs in the town and in return the townspeople give him booze. She is sadly disappointed because as you look at this creature, he is huge, mean, scary and muscles to boot. She does what any unafraid 12 year old would do. She tells the truth and calls him out on the carpet.

That's what I'm talking about. Us men need a good talking to.

There are two kinds of men out there. The one's who believe that manhood is dead and find it should be more feminine. These men buy into the popular culture that men should be able to cry and should be compassionate but above all else; the best man out there is the 'nice guy'. Yes, women like 'nice guys' and these men go with the flow. They feel that you are the better man if you can turn away from a fight. Even churches have further this agenda by taking, 'turn the other cheek' to every single situation that they come to. Bullshit.

Then there is the other extreme. Lots of men feel that riding a Harley and swearing and chewing tobacco makes them a man. And to prove it they will show a tough exterior that everyone should fear them. These men are just as bad and fake as the first kind. They don't know what compassion, forgiveness, or love are. These are foreign concepts to them, even though God created us all with emotions, they choose to believe it is best not to have them at all and if so then only anger and rage should come out. Macho-ism is just as far from manhood as feminism is.

I was born into the first scenario. Everyone would tell me that I was such a nice guy and I bought it. I believed that was the way to go. Always do the right thing, be the better man, and of course never, ever fight. Put everyone else first, and turn the other cheek, no matter what.

This is not how to live life. This is not how God wants you to life. He put adventure and risk and a good amount of fighting in every single man on earth. He did it for a reason. We are all at war. Now I know what your thinking, that I must be crazy or just a little out of touch with reality. But you've bared with me so far, so here me out.

(As an aside here, please bear with my talk of God. I'm not trying to preach or evangelize. I am only talking about what I know. And I can not talk about the affair, the discovery, and the beautiful journey that has come because of it and not talk about God. Why? Because He was, and is, there every step of the way. Every time I felt pain, misery, or my heart breaking into pieces, I felt Him and his working, healing, and guiding in my life. This is what I know and this is what I can write about.)

If you believe that God exists, then you have to believe that his counter part exists. If you believe that angels are out there, then, my friend, so are demons. Just as I have felt the awesome presence of God in my life, I have felt the devil and the ruin that he has placed on my wife, my life, and my heart.

I know that the Devil is out there and trying his hardest to bring me down. For if I live a crappy, unhappy, disease filled, injured, broken life, then the better for him. With every catastrophe in my life, the devil hopes that I move one step closer to hell. I am not making this up. Read your bible and show me where the devil is some metaphor. Most of you believe that sin is the only evil out there. And you are wrong.

Jesus cast out a horde of demons from a man, do you think that it was just some school kids story? The Devil himself came and tempted Jesus in the desert. He looked at Jesus in the eye and told him to bow down and worship him and he would give the world to him (Matt 4:1-11). Do you think there was a reason that we find that in the Bible? Yes, the reason is that the Devil is real and out there.

As a man, I firmly believe that you are given a good amount of fighting in you, so that you may defend your family. You will need to stand up some day, as I did and say enough is enough. I've had enough of this crap, and the line in the sand is drawn. From now on we will do everything we can to keep the Devil and his horde out of our family.

On September 17, 2007 I had my life taken from me. The life I knew, and came to hold dear to me, was stripped away from me and the devil was the source behind it. On that forsaken day, I experienced what I call 'the perfect storm' that came against me. I found out on my own that something was terribly wrong with my marriage. I came to learn that day three things: 1, that my wife cheated on me with another man, 2, that she was in love with this man and had been for the past 6 months, and 3, that the woman that I loved, in fact, did not love me and never had loved me, period.

As I sit here and say these words to you, I can not tell you or describe to you what that was like. I am sure that I will remember that day as long as I live and the emotions that I had, but even 10 years from now I would not be able to adequately tell them to you with words. So I will not attempt to. The closest that I can is in this poem, here.

But I know now that the devil was behind every single move and day leading to September 17, 2007.

But then two days later, I realized that I had to fight. If I wanted to leave my wife, I could. Part of me even wanted to. I knew that everyone I knew would be ok with that and support me. I knew that I could take my kids and leave her with part custody and that I could make it all work. I would be the better man and everyone would say that she got what she deserved. I could really be the nice guy here.

But as I thought through that scenario, it meant that I would let this other guy win. It meant that I would have to give up and throw in the towel. I would wave the white flag and say you win.

I was not ready for that. I decided after an emergency counseling session, that I was going to fight. I would fight for me wife, her love, and my family. I did not want my kids to grow up in a broken home and I was not going to let this other guy have the woman whom I married.

So, I took my wife, and told her that I loved her and we were going to do this. And in that moment, I tell you that I felt the presence of God himself. As I decided to fight for the right thing and show mercy, compassion, and the yearning to fight the devil, God rewarded me. He gave me back my wife.

She will better describe what we call 'the hilltop miracle' at some other time. I can say that to this day, I feel the fight in me. I choose no longer to be the nice guy. I drew that line in the sand. I called the other guy up and told him that this was my family and he had no right here. I told him in no plain terms that I was willing to defend my family and he had better get out now.

He emailed her afterwords and said that hopefully, someday we could all be friends. The nice guy in me said, mmm maybe. Then the fighter kicked in. I screamed at him. I told him that even if I were to die tomorrow, that he would never have her. Not as a friend, not as a lover, not as anything, ever. I would do everything in this life and in the next to fight for my wife and my family.

That is what I'm talking about. Now go get your gloves on. Were still at war, and still able to pick up the towel and come out swinging.

The Intention of Writing

2008-08-20T19:03:00.003-04:00

My purpose for blogging, for writing this stuff down, is not to make excuses or ever get sympathy. It is just to process, dissect and try to understand what happened. And secondly, to perhaps be a help and comfort to those who have gone through a similar experience.

I want to give hope.

Husband, he feels strongly that we can help people over come their experiences. He feels very compelled to share our experience and help couples heal and reconnect. Perhaps to prevent what happened to us.

One of the most reliable statistics on adultery comes from the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago. In 1992 the center sent hundreds of interviewers to gather data on the sexual conduct of Americans in the National Health and Social Life Survey. In a face-to-face survey of 3,432 adults born from 1933 to 1974, researchers asked: ''Have you ever had sex with someone other than your husband or wife while you were married?''

A quarter of the married men in the United States and a sixth of the married women reported having at least one extramarital affair.

My therapist said that adultery is also very common in faith communities as well. Yet nearly everyone says that adultery is wrong, or almost always wrong. That is a lot of conflicted people, sinning and hating themselves.

I'd like to perhaps help people avoid my mistake. And that is why I blog, that is why I write and that is what I hope.

Forgiving the Unforgivable: Forgiving Yourself After Adultery

2008-08-20T06:07:00.002-04:00

Below was one of my first posts on my not secret blog... I suppose you may be able to kick me of out hiding, but ... I'm getting sick of hiding and if I keep hiding it means this thing still has some power over me.

I decided to move this post over, because I feel in order for a couple to move past the incident, its important for the transgressors to forgive one another, but even more so, forgive themselves. I know for myself, making a real mistake was unthinkable, to sin was impossible! When I had to face what had happened I didn't know how to deal with it. I think I put a protective bubble around me to keep it from crashing down on me. Sometimes it would threaten to fall on me, the full extent... I'd start to hyperventilate and Husband would grab hold of my face and say, "It will not crush you, I will not let this crush you."

For so much of my marriage I never felt taken care of by him, and here he is, in his most turbulent time, having been betrayed by me, and he is protecting me. But I think his protecting me, and protecting our family helped give him purpose and helped to him to heal.

And now for Crappy Little Gods, written shortly after the New Year. J, if you're reading, this one is for you :)

Crappy Little Gods

Right now I'm going to talk about redemption. I'm not talking about redemption from someone you've committed a wrong against but about forgiveness and redemption of yourself. I don't know about you but I've made mistakes and caused grave damage to people I love. I've done things and made mistakes throughout my whole life and I still beat myself up over them. As stupid as some of them are. Like the stupid tirade I went on during H.S. theater practice because I was angry how the cast was treating someone. I handled it badly and to this day I feel stupid about it. But I was 17!

How common is it for us to hold these stupid little moments inside us and go play with them during moments of sadness and despair? "Come here bad little thought, come dwell in my heart and make me feel stupid, like a failure, ugly, clumsy, what have you". And how many times have you been forgiven by others but not been able to forgive yourself for your own trespasses? I know this is my problem and I think I probably got this from my church of origin. I must be punished punished punished forever. But I've been trying to rethink this thought process. With the help of my Sage and Authors like John Eldridge I'm learning how it is God's greatest desire for us to live our life to the full.

John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full"

Eternal guilt and self-flagellation cannot co-exist with this, and if we truly believe we are forgiven of our sins once we repent, then who are we to not forgive ourselves? My Sage would say that we are being "crappy little gods" because we act as though we should be perfect and make no mistakes; yet that is impossible because of the nature of us. Only God can be perfect.

The awful tapes we play in our head, He would say that those words and thoughts are from "the thief" and are there to keep us from living up to our full potential. If we hold on to our dirt, our self-loathing and hatred, we give those events power over us and cannot move past them. They become what defines us. So it's time for me to clean house and find redemption somehow. This need for constant penance is so deep seeded that I think this will be a very hard process, but it must be done for me to ever be the person I'm meant to be and to live my life to the full.

For help try reading John Eldridge's book Waking the Dead, he gives such a different perspective on things...it's like washing your brain. :)

Nearly a Year Ago: It Does Get Easier

2008-08-19T09:07:00.000-04:00

This is from my journal from almost a year ago. It's sad, but it made me happy to read it on Sunday, because, it is a year from now!

(this is to show that it does get better)

Day 3: Post discovery

I am a sinner... :(
I will never give myself penance again...well, as long as Husband loves me I guess. If he went away and I have nothing but to gaze at myself remembering what I did...that would be not worth breathing for.

I want it to be a year from now.

I hate myself

Hate myself

Hate HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

I don't deserve to feel better about myself. Husband, take me back, repossess me, erase any claim, memory or moment that is associated with the Other. Don't let him have me, don't let him have me.~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I felt that each time I was attacked by a memory and the shame that came, was like him owning me. I wanted so badly for it all not to be real, to make it go away, to fix it. But I couldn't. And its ok :) because we're ok and the Other has no power over me.

The Story of Us: Part I

2008-08-18T08:00:00.000-04:00

If this sounds familiar...well, then I guess you know :)

But I met Husband Freshman year of college. He was very tall, thin and slightly nerdy in that church boy comb over, goes to bed at 11 kind of way. Me, I'm small, barely 5 ft, long dyed red hair, black/green/blue finger nails and a style that hovered between hippy, goth and grunge. Looking and knowing the two of us you never would have put us together.

I went off to college in love with a boy. The people on my dorm floor were used to me talking constantly about Boyfriend. How wonderful he was, beautiful he was and how he was everything good in the world.

As the year progressed Boyfriend seemed to forget about me. He stopped saying he loved me, then he told me he thought perhaps we should see other people. I consented and went on my very unmerry way. But there was this boy other boy on the floor, Deagon. He was dark and full of something not quite right. He was malice and pain and self indulgence. In my pain for the loss of Boyfriend I went to him and handed myself over.

It was like cutting, only I was cutting my soul. I had lost everything good in the world, what else did I have to lose?

Then, as I spiraled downward into this reckless and painful relationship, I reached out to Boyfriend for help. I stood in the dark shower pleading over the phone with him about how I felt dark and scared and alone. He didn't understand, he told me he loved me and that caused something inside me to break. I didn't think he loved me anymore, if I had been with Deagon while he loved me, what did that make me??

I freaked out, I told Boyfriend I was scared and sinking. He called me crazy and he said didn't think he even wanted to be friends with me. And then I forgot how to breath. A big hole opened up in me and I wanted to break into little tiny pieces.

I don't remember how the conversation end. I hung up and I slowly walked down the hallway. I went into Husband's room, walked past him and Deagon without saying a word and sat in their closet. I wanted to avoid my Rainbow Bright on Crack roommate while I was hovering near total breakdown.

Husband came in and crouched beside me. He didn't say a word, he put his arms around me and the sobs just poured out. But as his arms circled me, they held me together and kept me from falling apart. All of my anguish melted from me while I was held in his embrace. That is what planted the seed in me. The comfort and safety I felt in his arms.

At some point I left the closet and fell asleep with my head in his lap, until he had to leave me to sleep at 11pm (rumor has it that he was afraid of turning into a pumpkin). That was the whisper of our beginning, although nothing romantic came about till much later.

to be continued...

Heart

2008-08-17T04:00:00.003-04:00

My darling Husband accidentally published this post with black text, so he wanted me to republish it so people wouldn't miss it. So if you're read this already, sorry.

Before we go back into the heart of the matter, just wanted to share that I had a beautiful day with my husband and children today. Full of the wide open spaces, God made wonders and beauty and much good food. And a nap after some Afternoon Delight. I love my life, I'm so free and happy! It's amazing, I am so glad to finally love the one I am married to. I feel so blesssed.

...and now, The Heart:Repost.

What do I mean by heart? John Eldridge has a great book "Waking the Dead The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive", which talks much more eloquently than I can here but I will try to sum it up as best I can. See , your heart is the center of everything. God, life, and your happiness. Look through the Bible and you will see more references to the heart than you ever would imagine. Here are just a few:

Det 4:29 But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.

Det 6:5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

There are many many more but as you can see, throughout the Bible God tells us that he wants our hearts. He does not care one bit for the Pharisees that have obeyed every command, every law, and every verse to the fullest extent, because their hearts have been lost. They have hearts full of pride, worry, and judgment of others.

When asked what is the greatest, biggest, best thing in in the entire Bible, Jesus responds with
'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' That's it, that's the key, it is right in front of you and yet it is so far from most of us, it might as well me written in gibberish.

For the most part we live our lives with broken hearts and therefore broken minds that won't allow us to see Gods true glory, which is to live in our hearts and replace all the junk we carry with us. We walk around in the middle of a war. The Devil knows that God's wish and deepest desire is to have our heart, so he has tried and tried to fill our heart and mind with junk instead.
Look around you and see the number of people that have lost so much heart and have given in to every sort of vice and addiction. Sex, pornography, alcohol, lies, drugs, television, books, and every kind of distraction fills our lives so that our heart can not be given to God. That's the devils plan. Not that you would be lost and never found, but that your heart would be so full of every kind of little distraction that you don't even know you are lost.

Even in the church the devil has his ways with God's people. The church has convinced its people that obeying God's law; being 'nice' people (whatever the hell that's supposed to be); and keeping busy with programs, bible study, prayer groups, and services; that you will be just fine. But in the meantime our lives our wrecks. Everyone in the church is filled with just as much pain and misery as the rest of the world.

So where is the life that Jesus promised?

John 10:10
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Matt 11:28 learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

If you think for a second that Jesus is speaking in metaphors you are sadly mistaken. Most people believe that God wants his people to suffer through this life in anticipation for a great after life. You could not be further from the truth. God wants you to live this life to the full, to find rest for your souls right here, right now.

So, if I have adequately proved that your heart is the key, now what right? Well since this has been too long of a post already (and I have to go enjoy time with my beautiful wife) I will leave you sitting on the edge of your seat for the next part ;)

God Bless the Broken Road

2008-08-16T11:22:00.000-04:00

This is one of the songs that really spoke to Husband and I after our Hilltop recovery. Its a nice song, even though I detest pretty much anything country. The words are great, where is Eddie Vedar when I need him?

Oh, Here's Eddie. M'wah!

Hungry Ghost

2008-08-15T09:52:00.000-04:00

I commented on another blog about how I felt like a hungry ghost while I was in my "relationship" with the Other.

Hungry Ghost sounded perfect for how I felt. Living between two worlds, finding fulfillment in neither, always longing for something I couldn't have. Never being satisfied. It was a painful existence. I often felt like I lived outside my body and lived my life through sheer force of will. Going through the motions, smiling when it seemed I should, but always feeling so far away from my world. Purely joyless. Empty.

I knew there was such thing as a real hungry ghost, it wasn't just a bar in an obscure, made for TV miniseries Wild Palms. But a real thing in many theological folklore. In Buddhism, a hungry ghost is a creature with a very large hungry stomach that seeks to fill it. However, their mouths and throats are so tiny that eating anything is extremely painful.

It seemed perfectly suited for quest for that attention/love/affection/companionship/validation that only comes with intense guilt and pain. At least in my case it was.

But I guess I'm here to tell all of you that the painful longing and dissatisfaction can go away, you can stop being a hungry ghost. I thought I was doomed, I thought I'd never fall in love with my own husband. I thought my lot was to suffer silently and never experience true, real love. And I was so wrong. Thank God I was so wrong.

After the Hilltop I was amazed at what joy I could feel. I came to understand that I was probably living my life in a low grade depression without ever knowing it. At least I'd lived that way for so long that I couldn't pin point a time where I felt true joy before.

But after that Hilltop, watching my child dunking a cookie in his milk brought me such happiness that I was amazed. I felt like I was watching the world with new eyes, seeing things I'd never seen before. Truly enjoying my life. I had never felt that before.

I have never been one to have reverence for my life. I never valued it, I'm not sure why. But it is all very different now. I was finally truly happy. Of course there were oceans of pain that would sometimes wash over me, but my face would always break the surface and gulp in enough beautiful air that I was protected when the next wave hit. And soon the waves died off... and now I'm just floating in the gentle sunlight letting the waves lull me into a peaceful oblivion. I am truly happy. How beautiful is that?

Don't Be a Ghost in Your New Relationship

2008-08-13T09:08:00.000-04:00

One thing that was important after the Discovery, was for me to be completely honest with my feelings. Husband was very specific that I MUST NOT protect him from my feelings anymore. Not telling him in the very beginning that I didn't love him had started this all. I probably need to write more in depth about how we came to be together, I'm sure I will at some point.

But this is something I struggle with. During my time with the Other I turned off all my feelings about everything. If I was angry or unhappy with something Husband did, I would just swallow it, because, I wasn't in a position to complain. I had no right. Later, after he realized it all-he suddenly noticed I stopped fighting and disagreeing with him.

After the discovery it was decided that it was imperative for me to be truthful about my feelings, even if it was hurtful. I had so many feelings during this time that I felt like I didn't deserve to have. And when I'd get angry I was so afraid of saying something and then Husband throwing the affair in my face. It terrified me. But I still did it.

Each time it was like jumping into a freezing cold lake, I had to just close my eyes and do it. And after awhile I wasn't scared so much anymore. And he never did throw it at my face, and still hasn't. ..and, to be honest, I am still a little afraid that he'll get so angry that one day he will. But I know that is me not trusting or having faith in him, so I need to let that go.

And my point in this is that, no matter how awful you feel and how much you want to just give in to everything and always deny your feelings since you were the villain, you can't. Because then you are still building your relationship on a false foundation with faulty materials.

You're building that relationship with a ghost...its not you at your core and therefore not possible to build a strong and sturdy relationship. Being honest is being honest about everything, even if you're afraid and don't think you deserve to have your feeling. You must still put it out there. I'd like Husband's thoughts on this, but I think this help to prove that I wasn't hiding anything from him anymore.

Just a small thing I learned.

The Boogyman: The Question, Can You Forgive Your Cheating Spouse?

2008-08-11T21:22:00.002-04:00

The first question I have is forgiveness. Its something, that at first, I would ask myself. How can I forgive? Did I really forgive her? What about the Other? Can I ever forgive him for the near destruction of my life, my family?

That question leads to the next thing I learned in life. Feelings. And how we all put way way too much importance on feelings.

Think about it. When asked "what is your purpose in life", how do you respond? Most people say, to be happy, I just want to be happy. Really? Thats it. Your purpose is a feeling? Your purpose here on earth is not a feeling. That's absurd. Your reason for being is not an emotion. You were not put here to 'be' your emotions. God gave us emotions as part of the human experience, but thats not who we are. We are not our emotions. We are so much deeper than that. We have emotions to help us experience this life and live it but thats not what is at our core.

Think about the last time you felt afraid, truly afraid. I remember walking into a dark basement, the cold creeping up through the floor and entering my body. The weird noises of the furnace. The creaking of wood from above. That feeling that someone is lurking around the corner. Have you ever felt this before?

Of course, we have all felt afraid in a weird, strange, dark place. Did you ever find a monster or serial killer or Freddy Kruger down there? Nope. There is just fear. And there was no REAL reason for it. Just an emotional experience. Yet we all see our emotions are absolute. Oh, I'm feeling sad, so I must be sad. Nope. Just like fear, your emotions can be wrong. They can fool you and deceive you. They can give you thoughts and conjure up things that are simply not there. Being afraid in a basement seems natural given the cues, but there is no real reason for it and it is really a fake feeling. Your feelings can lie to you.

My point is that we are not our emotions.

Haven't you felt that yearning for more. That feeling that you are something bigger than the things you look around and see. You go through life with deadlines, meetings, running from place to place, wasting time driving all over, then sitting at home and 'vegging out' in front of the TV.

But what about those movies or books that you love. Like 'Braveheart' when William Wallace stands up to fight for honor and justice. And I know you have your own moments, but thats when I know that I get a real glimpse of something bigger than me. Something more than a good 'feeling'. More than emotions. More than thoughts or random ideas, or notions that come across me. In those times, I can see the real me. The spirit me.

God has put a spirit in all of us, and those that believe know that God's spirit resides in them. But the distractions of life can make that a hazy cloudy view that makes it impossible to see. You know you have felt it though. I've had my moments where I swear I can feel God's presence. And in those moments, I'm not worried about my feelings or thoughts.

My point is, don't let feelings get in the way. Have them, then release them. Our therapist often says, "Many people come to my door and knock, I open it, but I don't have to invite them to come in and stay." The same is true of feelings, if hunger comes knocking, and its not time to eat you tell it to go away till dinner time. Yet if feelings of sadness come, we all want to open the door and let the darkness have its way in our mind.

The book 'Ways of a Peaceful Warrior' tells you to have emotions like an infant. Go ahead and cry, or get mad, then be done with them. Thats the way to live. Not stuck in feelings and wandering about your emotions like a wounded soldier waiting for help. Does a baby ever feel guilt for being angry. No sir. They get super mad, scream, then when done, go right back to their normal self.

But not us grown ups. We get to have worries on top of feelings. I'm angry but I shouldn't be, so now I will worry that I'm not expressing the correct emotion.

Or I forgave her but now I don't feel like it. Did I really forgive her? Shouldn't I be worried about that? No, absolutely not. So what if I don't 'feel' like it? Its just a dumb feeling, like being scared when you have absolutely no reason to. Don't let your emotions become The Boogyman.

Living In the Now: Version 4.0

2008-08-11T07:04:00.001-04:00

My wonderful wife got me hooked on Carmel dove chocolate squares. Wow, are they yummy. As I was eating one today, I looked at the cute PMA (positive mental attitude) quotes that they used. The first was, 'Write a real letter, not just an email. Ya, I get that. Then 'promises are made to be kept'. Ya, I like that one too. The next was 'Dream big, there is no excuse not to'.

Hold it.

Actually there is an excuse not to. See dreaming and dreaming big is really just another distraction to our heart. For if you dream and only really dream, then that is where your heart is. If you fill your mind and your thoughts with a constant noise about the future and your dreams, then your heart will go there too. And if your heart is filled with noise of the future, then you will never be happy right now. You can never live in the present if your heart is set on the past or future.

I'm not saying to never plan for the future. Go ahead and sock some money away in a 401k or buy a solid mutual fund to grow your money for retirement. But I know all too well the path that is filled with dreams.

I used to play a game called 'Brewster's Millions' It was a fun game where I would find out the big jackpot in the lottery and then I would have to give away all but a small part for me and my family to live on.

It was kinda fun. This week the jackpot is $25 million and I would say "I'll give 1/2 a million to all 30 family members, then 5 million to us and the rest to start a new non-profit aimed at helping local teens through our great church"

The problem was that I started out with good intentions and would purchase a ticket once in a while just for kicks. I would bring it home and then talk to my wife and ask her to join in as well. But over the course of time, and without me realizing it, it became a huge distraction. And before I knew it, I was living this life in my head and that was all I was living.

The present was the way I got by, the thing that was in the way, the cloud that blew which ever way the wind went. See, over time my heart was distracted by this big huge dream about the future and couldn't be happy about now. Your heart is easily distracted. First by wounds, then by our thoughts and feelings.

See, now that the affair is over, I can look back and see the way I was always living in the future. I was always focused on something; first getting my degree, then my first job, then a promotion, then a better job and better city to live in. There was always a corner to look around and when I couldn't find one I would create one.

"Maybe I'll go back to school and get a master's degree, maybe I'm in the wrong field and I just need a new vocation. Maybe we just need a bigger house or car." That was the way I distracted myself, and all the while I found no happiness in the present.

Of course I couldn't be happy, because I was looking for it in the future and that's not where happiness is. Happiness lies right here, right now. It lies in the beauty around you. It lies in living life in the present and not carrying the baggage of the past or the future with you.

So, yes chocolate dove, I do have a good excuse for not dreaming, its called living life to the full. And I wouldn't trade it for anything that would happen to me tomorrow.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared
to what lies within us." -

-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Take that, Dove.

Surviving Adultery: Fight Test:

2008-08-10T08:38:00.001-04:00

This song was a bit of a theme song for Husband after the Discovery and Recovery. It is a great song, the line about having to face things you aren't prepared to face. I think he'll probably have a good post on his Fight Test, he's been writing all weekend but we're waiting to put them up till Monday. In the meantime, enjoy the video.

Although, I confess the end baffles me- what is with the manure?

The Honeymoon

2008-08-09T19:19:00.001-04:00

I can't leave the last thing I write about today be the most terrifying moments I experienced. It leaves me a bit uneasy.

After the discovery, and our recovery, all I could do was sleep. I think my body was finally relaxed, not living with the burden of all the lies I had lived since even before our marriage. But also not burdened by the security of our family. I didn't have to have everything on my shoulders anymore. My husband suddenly stepped foward and helped with that yoke.

A few weeks after all of this, Husband and I took a week vacation that we spent just getting to know each other again. Or really, to know each other at all. I say this because my husband changed completely. He became a completely different person than he was before. He was suddenly strong, powerful and a leader in the family. It was so very strange, the changes he underwent. He became so poetic, writing things with words and phrases I didn't know he even knew.

He even began eating things he always professed to not like or be able to tolerate, but now could eat and enjoy. And even intimacy with him was entirely different. Of course that was also very different for me as well, since now I loved him.

Those weeks we took were very important to us. It was like a honeymoon, just spending time basking in each other. We took the kids to daycare for a few days of that time and spent time laying on the deserted beaches and swimming naked in the cool water. We called this time in our recovery -Soulkissing, because we felt very in tuned with each other, very connected and new in our love.

I knew this was a "honeymoon phase" but we never had much of a honeymoon in the beginning and in fact I spent the first year of my marriage crying in the bathroom. So this was much needed and welcomed. And even though those first few weeks were blissful and lovely, I think I was a prepared when the ugly emotions surfaced. I knew they'd come. And we had our therapist to help us work through that patch.

But I think having a honeymoon with only each other to gaze at is so helpful in the healing after the affair. It helped us to have a bit more of a foundation for when the emotional quakes began. We've weathered the quakes and we are living now on stable ground. We have left the blastzone and have moved so far away that we don't see it anymore. Of course we'll always know it is there, but it is no longer sitting on the horizon to remind us every day. It does get easier and better. Thank God for that.