5 Years After

Hi there!
It's been 5 years since the Big Bad and things are great.  That's all I wanted to say.  Marriage is hard, and even after all we learn coming through and surviving adultery... we still make mistakes.  Be honest with each other, take time for each other and CONSTANT VIGILANCE! Marriage, especially if you have children, should be your NUMBER 1 priority.  Not tending to that, since it is a huge part of your foundation, leaves you on weak legs.

Anyway, Husband and I had a really hard year last year, I learned a lot from it.  I was emotionally abandoned for about a year by him -so disconnected.  But we stuck it through, worked through things and we've been super great.  I was not vigilant.  But marriage can be like that.  It's like the ocean, there are rough times and calm times, you just have to be ready to ride out those waves.

Later :)

Decorating Our Lives to Hide Our Hearts

I shot this photo after an outing at a campground a few weeks ago. I was feeling pretty yuck inside about a few things going on in my life, nothing with my marriage, but other ugly stuff. I stopped to shoot this old vacant house as the sun was setting.

Today it occurred to me that we can be just like this picture. We can put a bunch of pretty stuff, external stuff, up front that people first see. Our clothing, material things, make up and hair- everything that helps us to find that inside of it all we are an abanondoned and vacant building just waiting to crumble to the ground. We hide behind our flowered bushes hoping that nobody notice how broken we are inside. But by hiding it is impossible for anyone to know that we are in MAJOR need of TLC and repair. They don't see past the externals to see us crying out for help in the inside. It reminded me of my time "away" where I didn't live in my life and was more miserable than I'd ever been, but externally looked happy and healthy. No one had any clue.

So maybe it is time to trim your bushes back and to let yourself be a little naked and tell people when you need a little comfort and compassion, otherwise they may never know and we'll continue being this empty house.

Constant Vigelance!

The cry of Mad Eye Moody to never let your guard down is one of my favorite little quotes to say. When fighting darkness and evil you must always be on your guard, ready to fight, expect the unexpected. But I think it rings true for those us who stayed married and are survivors of an affair-the ones that feel like we're mostly happy but, as all things do, things crop up and bring us down. Bring our marriage down, distract us from one another.

Husband and I have been crabbing lately, though by his account I'm the one crabbing. But hey, I haven't slept a full night in 18 months (thanks to a beautiful little girl) and I'm tired. And being sleep deprived makes you pretty crazy. I need to work on her sleep, but first I needed to work on our marriage. Because, even though we survived the unsurvivable- we can still harm our relationship and still get lost to each other.

I think those of us who survived and came out happier in our relationship take for granted that marriage can take so much work. Because, dude- we survived! If we survived that, what could harm us? But that is false security. Constant Vigilance my friends! We must still always be cognoscente of our feelings, of being honest and open, of admitting our wrongs and working to make things right and of just taking the time to stop, look at each other and work through the kinks that arise. Failure to do so... well, lets just say lets not even let that happen.

So- there you go. I haven't blogged in awhile but just wanted to remind you all not to stop working on your marriage, on yourself - don't get comfortable and let your guard down or else you might find yourself one unhappy muggle.

I'm on Facebook

You can now find me on facebook :) When I get a little more time I'll try to find a widget to make it look pretty- but for now here I am.
FIND ME ON FACEBOOK!


Also - I have set up a SECRET facebook group. Facebook defines a secret group as: Secret: These groups cannot be found in searches, and non-members can’t see anything about the group, including its name and membership list. The name of the group will not display on the profiles of members.

Secret Surviving Group
If you want to join I

Life, marriage, motherhood and it all

Its all so very tiring. I am tired. And wow, I've forgotten how a new baby will so quickly throw your marriage into the backseat. Its hard. I am disconnected and a bit discontent with life- mostly with being tired and wishing I could work part time. But such is life.

Its been 2.5 years since the Big Bad and I still will think about it. Still. I don't go into fetal position from my self loathing anymore, but it gives me pause and makes me wonder if I will ever be truly free. Oh the little attacks our mind springs on us, how cruel they are.

I have been reading Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge- it really does speak to the heart of a women. I think we all should read it.

"Why do so few women have anything close to a life of romance? Loneliness and emptiness are far more common themes-so entirely common that most women buried their longs for romance long ago and are now living merely to survive, get through the week. And its not just romance- Why are most of the relationships of women fraught with hardship? Their friendships, their families, their best friends all seem to have come down with a sort of virus that makes them fundamentally unavailable, leaving a women lonely at the end of the day. Even when relationships are good, its never enough. Where does this bottomless pit in us come from?

And women are tired. We are drained. But it's not from a life of shared adventures. No, weariness of women comes from lives that are crammed with routine, with chores, with hundreds of demands. As Chekov says, 'Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day to day living that wears you out.' Somehow, somewhere between our youth and yesterday, efficiency has taken the place of adventure. Most women do not feel they are playing an irreplaceable role in a great Story. Oh, no. We struggle to know if we matter at all. If we are at home, we feel ashamed we don't have a "real life" in the outside world. We are swallowed by laundry. If we have a career, we feel as though we are missing out on more important matters like marriage and children. We are swallowed by meetings."

Captivating - page 44-45


This passage really spoke to me. And I bet it speaks to many of you too. Allowing ourselves to get sucked down and dragged into feeling so ...alone- that is part of what leads us down the unforgivable path. How do we insulate ourselves? How do we tell our partners that feeling this way deadens our souls? And how do we fight it? Well, I guess I'll just have to keep reading :)

I don't really have a conclusion, just wanted to offer this passage up as something to think about.
Take care and keep on fighting for your marriage

I'm still here

I am, really- I think about everyone out there that is going through the awful trauma that is caused by infidelity. I'm so busy right now, three kids-one a baby, working full time and a husband that has a demanding job. Its hard.

Husband and I are especially disconnected right now. There is never enough time in the day, night, weekend. It doesn't help that Husband only gets every other weekend off. And I'm post-partum and tired and that makes me SUPER crabby.

But we still love each other and when I feel stressed or worried I remember that I made it through something quite awful with Husband and that no matter what happens in my life that if I survived that I can survive this.

But I'd still very much like a nap. ...sigh.

Survived it al!

I've been waiting and holding my breath for two years, and now I can stop. That D Day-the day the Other was planning on his suicide mission, it has passed without incident. I have not become a Lifetime Television for Women movie.

I really tried not to worry and stress about it, but I just couldn't fully move on knowing that there could be an altercation in my future. But now I can breath... :)


So now what? Husband and I want to help other people, more than just having a blog. I'd like to write a fiction book about our experience with a companion book with tips and help... but would that help people? Or would holding seminars for people be helpful?

I'm not sure, but I think Husband is going to start a support group locally in the spring, which means that I may be outed as a cheater to people in my community. I've been working myself up to this, being ok with that. Its such a black (or scarlet) mark on a person, cheaters are loathsome to many people.

But I think we could help a lot of people and I should do my best to help if I can.

So thats all for now :)