Grace Tells Another Story

When we think we can't forgive ourselves and heal...

Which wolf will you feed today?

Here is an Cherokee tale of two wolves:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Its true. See we all have free will. We all get to do whatever we want, think about whatever we want, and make our own little world inside our minds. Sometimes our minds become little prisons that we feel we can't escape.

I'd say for the first 3-4 months after I found about my wife's affair, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I feed myself a plate of misery, hurt, pain, and anger on a daily basis. But then I realized that I had a choice to make.

I was able to picture myself 10 years from now and I saw two Ean's. The first one put on a mask for work, friends, and others, but inside was a wreck. He would turn to other things for any kind of escape. Work, sports, alcohol, movies, books, and probably greed in order to try and drown out the pain from being betrayed.

Or I could not. I could, in fact, choose joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. And that's what I did.

I forgave my wife. And I mean really forgave her. I choose first to forgive. I didn't "feel" like I had forgiven her and I felt, at times, that I shouldn't. There were even times were I had wished I hadn't. But I did. I choose to forgive her and THEN the feeling of forgiveness came to me. I feed the right wolf and keep feeding it and it grew more and the other wolf died.

And let me tell you that other wolf did not go down without a fight. I would have visions of telling my wife off. Telling her all of the things that I wanted to really say. All of the things that were inside my head of how she really hurt me. And when I started those visions, it really seemed like a wolf inside of me growing and taking over. That anger would come and the pain would come and so would the tears.

Don't feed that wolf. When that wolf comes 'round, tell it to go away. The devil will use whatever tricks he can to get you to live a life of anger and hate and focus on the betrayal. But we do have free will. As much as your hurting and full of just 'junk' inside you (believe me I know), you still get to choose which wolf to feed.

I promise you that if you feed the wolf of joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith that your life will get better. I have chosen the path that God laid out for me and have not looked back. That wolf still comes around once in a while and entices me with his old tricks, but he knows that he has no power over me. That 'junk' that once filled every second of every day is still there once in a blue moon but it is like a anthill compared to the rocky mountains that it once was.

Matthew 6:21-23 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness."

How He Forgave Me After the Affair

My husband made the decision to forgive me before he felt it. He knew that was what he had to do so he made the decision to just do it. So he really had to fight to forgive. And he did it successfully. He has yet to ever throw it in my face what I did, although I often throw it at myself (in my head)-or used to. I've gotten better at not self flagellating.

My husband was so kind and really took care of me, which is so strange and odd. But taking care of me gave him something to do after the discovery, he started to protect me in a way he had never done before, even though he was protecting me from myself and from what I had done. Odd-but I think that purpose helped him.

Just a little thought to throw out there.

How did you forgive? How were you forgiven?

What I've Done

Here is a good song by Linkin Park and the same song covered by Marie Digby

In this farewell
There's no blood
There's no alibi
Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

Of what I've done

Start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done

I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done


Of what I've done

First Linkin Park's version:



Then Marie Digby's:

Where is God during the affair and afterwords?

So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other way about—He is looking for us. - Simon Tugwell

Read that quote, just one more time (for my sake, please ;)

So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other way about—He is looking for us. - Simon Tugwell

Wow, we sit around wondering where is God? Where is God in all of our pain, suffering and why did He let this happen to ME!!! I know, I've been there. I was so there after the discovery of my wife's affair; so angry at God, so angry that the same God who created the heavens, the earth, creatures of every kind and size, and miracles everywhere would let something SO bad, awefull, painful, and heartbreaking to happen to me. I felt betrayed by God. He could have stopped it, He could have put one finger up and it never would have happened.

But there is so much more to the story that I see now. See, God wants us and our hearts. But he wants them unconditionally. He doesn't want to go around and create miracles and bless you, just so you will look up and notice him, and only THEN decide to give him your heart. He wants you but not only because He can do things for you, on demand. See, He is like any other lover looking for the heart of the loved one. We want love at first sight (or miracle) but God wants everlasting love. And He has been looking for it all of your life.

Once I had forgiven my wife for her part in the affair, I was then free to experience Gods love. And I felt it. I mean really felt it in my life. God is an internal God, one of the heart. And we keep looking for God in miracles and the external world. He's there, but not as much as you want Him to be.

See we want, Quid pro quo, tit for tat, something in exchange for something. "I will believe in you, if you .... fill in the blank. God doesn't want that. This isn't McDonalds. "I want one holy life, riches beyond compare, minus the backbreaking work, oh and one giant miracle right now. Then I will believe in you, God. Did you get all that, God?"

He wants us for no other reason than He is who He is. That's all.

Believe me, God wants you and is searching for you. But this world holds so much more than you can see, feel, touch and taste that sometimes we miss most of it. We miss God gently nudging us to do give in and experience the fullness of life. So, know that God wants you and your heart. It really is quite backwards I know, but its there for the taking.

Matt 22:35 One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment.

Forgiveness

Forgive
11/24/2008

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We must forgive those who hurt us. The reason is simple: Bitterness and unforgiveness are claws that set their hooks deep in our hearts; they are chains that keep us held captive to the wounds and the messages of those wounds. Until you forgive, you remain their prisoner. Paul warns us that unforgiveness and bitterness can wreck our lives and the lives of others (Eph. 4:31; Heb. 12:15). We have to let them go.

Forgive as Christ has forgiven you. (Col 3:13)

Now – listen carefully. Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling – don't try and feel forgiving. It is an act of the will. "Don't wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving," wrote Neil Anderson. "You will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made . . ." We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past, for "if your forgiveness doesn't visit the emotional core of your life, it will be incomplete." We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we choose to extend forgiveness to our father, our mother, those who hurt us. This is not saying, "It didn't really matter"; it is not saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says, "It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And I release you. I give you to God."

It might help to remember that those who hurt you were also deeply wounded themselves. They were broken hearts, broken when they were young, and they fell captive to the Enemy. They were in fact pawns in his hands. This doesn't absolve them of the choices they made, the things they did. It just helps us to let them go – to realize that they were shattered souls themselves, used by our true Enemy in his war against femininity.

(Captivating (John Eldridge), 102-103)

I also think its important to hold this same as true for forgiving yourself. Self hatred leads to many a dangerous path, many a poor choice and many a broken relationship. Let God give you Grace, learn about it. I had to, I didn't understand it at all. I am so happy to have finally understood his grace and been able to forgive myself for my transgression.

Healing; Not Forgivness

Its sad for me to see the Christians run around and preach. It really is. Everyone has got it wrong and they continue to push the wrong message to the world. Yes, Jesus offers us forgiveness of sins, but thats not all. Thats not even close. If we only hear that message we are left stuck in a world of hurt, pain, suffering, and our souls left wondering. Wondering for more and when we can't find it we turn to other things for help. Read this quote from Jesus, and tell me what think.

For this people's heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them. (Matt. 13:15)

So where does Jesus talk of forgiveness? Not here. He talks of healing. It is not a metaphor, its not pie in the sky, and its not some reference to heaven. Many christians (in their wanting to rationalize away everything), turn all of Jesus' teachings into a wait for heaven approach to life. "When I get to heaven, it will be all better" Thats not what this passage speaks of. It speaks of healing, here and now.

Jesus' teachings here on earth were about healing. Thats why I get upset when christians run around with thier signs that proclaim 'Jesus Saves' and 'The End is Near'.

Jesus healed the sick, cured the blind, stopped the bleeding, and even gave life to the dead. Thats what Jesus taught. Healing - now.

Mea Culpa

My fault or my own fault. I just want to put this out there because I could spend the first half of almost every post I write, saying Mea Culpa. And rather than do that, I'll just write this one post and then link to it every time I feel like I'm going to say something that might sound like a cop out.

So... it was my fault. Everything was my choice. I was an adult and I did a very awful thing. I never once want to diminish what I did as being a small thing, I never want it to seem like I ever think it was ok or no big deal.

The pain I might feel or have gone through pales in comparison to what Husband must have gone through. I know this. My pain is small to what he felt.

So... Mea Culpa.

...remember this great song?

Graduation Day!

Yesterday, 1 month shy of a year from the first time we met him, our counselor smiled at us and told us he thought it might be time for us to be finished. He smiled his calm sweet smile and Husband and I beamed back at him. Yes, were are ready.

We may have been ready before this, but I was still hanging on to the baggage of hate and self loathing. I knew in my mind that I needed to let it go, but I couldn't force it. Then I had the epiphany that helped release so much of what haunted me. Suddenly the attacks of remembrance and horror stopped. I was free.

I explained this all to him and he commented that I looked more at ease than he's seen me since we began coming a year ago. And he is right. At the moment I feel like I'm floating in a lulling calm that is gently rocking me in my life. Soothing and comfortable and safe. I still have stress in my life, but I have an inner peace that wasn't there before.


Husband smiled, commented on how, even though I had the epiphany, I still find it hard to verbalize the role he played in what happened. And yes, that is true. I don't want to ever act like there was an excuse. I said that I could acknowledge that the stuff made me more susceptible to making the mistakes I did (although I felt like that took away my free will a bit), but I found comfort in it.

Therapist said sometimes you just can't dissect it all. It just is, without explanation. Things happen and we can find peace in whatever manner we find it, even if it doesn't make sense.

Husband and I left our session ready to miss him a bit, but hoping we can meet under different circumstances some day. And I'm sure we will. I cannot say enough about the importance of seeking outside help to guide you through the process. Therapist was key in healing us in those moments after the discovery, and probably more easily explainable, God through Therapist. He always seemed to say the exact thing we needed to hear to help us through the week.

And he talked, he counseled. As someone trained in the field, we're trained to ask leading questions and let people talk things out. He talked, and we listened and I needed him to say all the things he said. His words were like salve on the wounds, and I am so thankful that it was him we saw that day after the discovery.

So please, if anyone needs help, go find a counselor. And keep looking till you find the right one for you and your partner.

Forgiving the Unforgivable: Forgiving Yourself After Adultery

Below was one of my first posts on my not secret blog... I suppose you may be able to kick me of out hiding, but ... I'm getting sick of hiding and if I keep hiding it means this thing still has some power over me.

I decided to move this post over, because I feel in order for a couple to move past the incident, its important for the transgressors to forgive one another, but even more so, forgive themselves. I know for myself, making a real mistake was unthinkable, to sin was impossible! When I had to face what had happened I didn't know how to deal with it. I think I put a protective bubble around me to keep it from crashing down on me. Sometimes it would threaten to fall on me, the full extent... I'd start to hyperventilate and Husband would grab hold of my face and say, "It will not crush you, I will not let this crush you."

For so much of my marriage I never felt taken care of by him, and here he is, in his most turbulent time, having been betrayed by me, and he is protecting me. But I think his protecting me, and protecting our family helped give him purpose and helped to him to heal.

And now for Crappy Little Gods, written shortly after the New Year. J, if you're reading, this one is for you :)

Crappy Little Gods

Right now I'm going to talk about redemption. I'm not talking about redemption from someone you've committed a wrong against but about forgiveness and redemption of yourself. I don't know about you but I've made mistakes and caused grave damage to people I love. I've done things and made mistakes throughout my whole life and I still beat myself up over them. As stupid as some of them are. Like the stupid tirade I went on during H.S. theater practice because I was angry how the cast was treating someone. I handled it badly and to this day I feel stupid about it. But I was 17!

How common is it for us to hold these stupid little moments inside us and go play with them during moments of sadness and despair? "Come here bad little thought, come dwell in my heart and make me feel stupid, like a failure, ugly, clumsy, what have you". And how many times have you been forgiven by others but not been able to forgive yourself for your own trespasses? I know this is my problem and I think I probably got this from my church of origin. I must be punished punished punished forever. But I've been trying to rethink this thought process. With the help of my Sage and Authors like John Eldridge I'm learning how it is God's greatest desire for us to live our life to the full.

John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full"

Eternal guilt and self-flagellation cannot co-exist with this, and if we truly believe we are forgiven of our sins once we repent, then who are we to not forgive ourselves? My Sage would say that we are being "crappy little gods" because we act as though we should be perfect and make no mistakes; yet that is impossible because of the nature of us. Only God can be perfect.


The awful tapes we play in our head, He would say that those words and thoughts are from "the thief" and are there to keep us from living up to our full potential. If we hold on to our dirt, our self-loathing and hatred, we give those events power over us and cannot move past them. They become what defines us. So it's time for me to clean house and find redemption somehow. This need for constant penance is so deep seeded that I think this will be a very hard process, but it must be done for me to ever be the person I'm meant to be and to live my life to the full.

For help try reading John Eldridge's book Waking the Dead, he gives such a different perspective on things...it's like washing your brain. :)

The Boogyman: The Question, Can You Forgive Your Cheating Spouse?

The first question I have is forgiveness. Its something, that at first, I would ask myself. How can I forgive? Did I really forgive her? What about the Other? Can I ever forgive him for the near destruction of my life, my family?

That question leads to the next thing I learned in life. Feelings. And how we all put way way too much importance on feelings.

Think about it. When asked "what is your purpose in life", how do you respond? Most people say, to be happy, I just want to be happy. Really? Thats it. Your purpose is a feeling? Your purpose here on earth is not a feeling. That's absurd. Your reason for being is not an emotion. You were not put here to 'be' your emotions. God gave us emotions as part of the human experience, but thats not who we are. We are not our emotions. We are so much deeper than that. We have emotions to help us experience this life and live it but thats not what is at our core.

Think about the last time you felt afraid, truly afraid. I remember walking into a dark basement, the cold creeping up through the floor and entering my body. The weird noises of the furnace. The creaking of wood from above. That feeling that someone is lurking around the corner. Have you ever felt this before?

Of course, we have all felt afraid in a weird, strange, dark place. Did you ever find a monster or serial killer or Freddy Kruger down there? Nope. There is just fear. And there was no REAL reason for it. Just an emotional experience. Yet we all see our emotions are absolute. Oh, I'm feeling sad, so I must be sad. Nope. Just like fear, your emotions can be wrong. They can fool you and deceive you. They can give you thoughts and conjure up things that are simply not there. Being afraid in a basement seems natural given the cues, but there is no real reason for it and it is really a fake feeling. Your feelings can lie to you.

My point is that we are not our emotions.

Haven't you felt that yearning for more. That feeling that you are something bigger than the things you look around and see. You go through life with deadlines, meetings, running from place to place, wasting time driving all over, then sitting at home and 'vegging out' in front of the TV.

But what about those movies or books that you love. Like 'Braveheart' when William Wallace stands up to fight for honor and justice. And I know you have your own moments, but thats when I know that I get a real glimpse of something bigger than me. Something more than a good 'feeling'. More than emotions. More than thoughts or random ideas, or notions that come across me. In those times, I can see the real me. The spirit me.

God has put a spirit in all of us, and those that believe know that God's spirit resides in them. But the distractions of life can make that a hazy cloudy view that makes it impossible to see. You know you have felt it though. I've had my moments where I swear I can feel God's presence. And in those moments, I'm not worried about my feelings or thoughts.

My point is, don't let feelings get in the way. Have them, then release them. Our therapist often says, "Many people come to my door and knock, I open it, but I don't have to invite them to come in and stay." The same is true of feelings, if hunger comes knocking, and its not time to eat you tell it to go away till dinner time. Yet if feelings of sadness come, we all want to open the door and let the darkness have its way in our mind.

The book 'Ways of a Peaceful Warrior' tells you to have emotions like an infant. Go ahead and cry, or get mad, then be done with them. Thats the way to live. Not stuck in feelings and wandering about your emotions like a wounded soldier waiting for help. Does a baby ever feel guilt for being angry. No sir. They get super mad, scream, then when done, go right back to their normal self.

But not us grown ups. We get to have worries on top of feelings. I'm angry but I shouldn't be, so now I will worry that I'm not expressing the correct emotion.

Or I forgave her but now I don't feel like it. Did I really forgive her? Shouldn't I be worried about that? No, absolutely not. So what if I don't 'feel' like it? Its just a dumb feeling, like being scared when you have absolutely no reason to. Don't let your emotions become The Boogyman.