Epiphany

The other day I had a bit of a breakthrough moment. Something that helped free me from the crippling guilt I've had for almost the last year.

The other night I was talking to Husband about a major harm that happened to me when we were new in our dating relationship. We'll call this November. I won't go into what happened, but it damaged me in a very deep and troubling way for many many years, and he had a hand it the occurrence of November. For some reason, after November happened, I couldn't bring myself to give him any responsibility. For years I made excuses, yet I knew deep down inside that he should have protected me, stood up for me, had my back. He should have known that he was suppose to have spared me from this hurt. Instead he delivered the hurt to me, and it broke apart my insides in a way I didn't know how to heal.

So I asked him the other night if he thought that November and my refusal to assign him responsibility, had something to do with the wall I had up around me that kept us a part. That made it easier for me to go down the path of Scarlet.

His response was that he thought I needed to also give him some responsibility for "The Accident" or rather...the affair. He said that he didn't love me like he should have. He also told me about how the two times in our marriage I almost left him, were both times that his heart wasn't with me. Both instances happened when his heart was filled with lustful thoughts for people other than me.

I began crying. It was true, he did have a little bit to do with what happened. I'd had these small thoughts in my head but pushed them away because I didn't want to give myself any sort of "excuse" or reason. But it was true. I knew he didn't love me like he used to. Before it all came down, before I became the adulterer, I'd tell him I wasn't even a blip on his radar.

And I also felt like he never took care of me. Every time it mattered, he failed me. He left me out alone to do everything by myself. I was tired and sad and hurt. I felt very abandoned by him.

He gave me permission to feel like I didn't hold ALL the blame. He said that although I was driving the car, he played part in giving me a car with crappy brakes and having me drive in stormy conditions. But I still decided to drive, and I didn't pull over and weight out the storm. I kept driving and my brakes failed and I crashed and almost died. But I didn't die, and my life is full of love and joy right now.

Realizing that is was ok to not hold all the blame on me freed me, it took away the horrible self loathing I've felt so strongly these months. I still hold the blame, but its ok. He can share it with me, and its not so bad. Its not bad at all.

I told him how in the beginning of us, the moment that started us toward marriage, was when I was crying over my dead love and he put his arms around me. In the moment the sadness and fear melted. I didn't feel like I couldn't breath anymore. He gave me comfort and made me feel safe. It turned out that, until our "accident", that was the one and only time I felt that from him.

He muses that when his arms went around me that was God coming through him. I think I buy that. But I also wonder if, in those moments, our true selves touched each other and saw something. They recognized each other and rejoiced. We would have been good, we would have fallen in love had November not happened.

But November did happen. Something evil came and took away my heart. I walled myself up and was made hard. From that time on our souls were lost to each other, and really, lost to ourselves.

And now we are free from that. We both feel really free. A sin occurred, but it didn't break us like it could have. Instead we got help and our Therapist somehow helped our souls find each other.

Or perhaps it was the true me that found us when I tore that wall down when I said to him I wanted so badly to love him.

I could muse on this forever. But I won't. :) I cried happily and felt at once free. We embraced in the dark room, moonlight spilling through the windows, the palms rustling in the wind, and made love. Cheesy, I know. But still, it was a nice moment.