Constant Vigelance!

The cry of Mad Eye Moody to never let your guard down is one of my favorite little quotes to say. When fighting darkness and evil you must always be on your guard, ready to fight, expect the unexpected. But I think it rings true for those us who stayed married and are survivors of an affair-the ones that feel like we're mostly happy but, as all things do, things crop up and bring us down. Bring our marriage down, distract us from one another.

Husband and I have been crabbing lately, though by his account I'm the one crabbing. But hey, I haven't slept a full night in 18 months (thanks to a beautiful little girl) and I'm tired. And being sleep deprived makes you pretty crazy. I need to work on her sleep, but first I needed to work on our marriage. Because, even though we survived the unsurvivable- we can still harm our relationship and still get lost to each other.

I think those of us who survived and came out happier in our relationship take for granted that marriage can take so much work. Because, dude- we survived! If we survived that, what could harm us? But that is false security. Constant Vigilance my friends! We must still always be cognoscente of our feelings, of being honest and open, of admitting our wrongs and working to make things right and of just taking the time to stop, look at each other and work through the kinks that arise. Failure to do so... well, lets just say lets not even let that happen.

So- there you go. I haven't blogged in awhile but just wanted to remind you all not to stop working on your marriage, on yourself - don't get comfortable and let your guard down or else you might find yourself one unhappy muggle.

I'm on Facebook

You can now find me on facebook :) When I get a little more time I'll try to find a widget to make it look pretty- but for now here I am.
FIND ME ON FACEBOOK!


Also - I have set up a SECRET facebook group. Facebook defines a secret group as: Secret: These groups cannot be found in searches, and non-members can’t see anything about the group, including its name and membership list. The name of the group will not display on the profiles of members.

Secret Surviving Group
If you want to join I

Life, marriage, motherhood and it all

Its all so very tiring. I am tired. And wow, I've forgotten how a new baby will so quickly throw your marriage into the backseat. Its hard. I am disconnected and a bit discontent with life- mostly with being tired and wishing I could work part time. But such is life.

Its been 2.5 years since the Big Bad and I still will think about it. Still. I don't go into fetal position from my self loathing anymore, but it gives me pause and makes me wonder if I will ever be truly free. Oh the little attacks our mind springs on us, how cruel they are.

I have been reading Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge- it really does speak to the heart of a women. I think we all should read it.

"Why do so few women have anything close to a life of romance? Loneliness and emptiness are far more common themes-so entirely common that most women buried their longs for romance long ago and are now living merely to survive, get through the week. And its not just romance- Why are most of the relationships of women fraught with hardship? Their friendships, their families, their best friends all seem to have come down with a sort of virus that makes them fundamentally unavailable, leaving a women lonely at the end of the day. Even when relationships are good, its never enough. Where does this bottomless pit in us come from?

And women are tired. We are drained. But it's not from a life of shared adventures. No, weariness of women comes from lives that are crammed with routine, with chores, with hundreds of demands. As Chekov says, 'Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day to day living that wears you out.' Somehow, somewhere between our youth and yesterday, efficiency has taken the place of adventure. Most women do not feel they are playing an irreplaceable role in a great Story. Oh, no. We struggle to know if we matter at all. If we are at home, we feel ashamed we don't have a "real life" in the outside world. We are swallowed by laundry. If we have a career, we feel as though we are missing out on more important matters like marriage and children. We are swallowed by meetings."

Captivating - page 44-45


This passage really spoke to me. And I bet it speaks to many of you too. Allowing ourselves to get sucked down and dragged into feeling so ...alone- that is part of what leads us down the unforgivable path. How do we insulate ourselves? How do we tell our partners that feeling this way deadens our souls? And how do we fight it? Well, I guess I'll just have to keep reading :)

I don't really have a conclusion, just wanted to offer this passage up as something to think about.
Take care and keep on fighting for your marriage

I'm still here

I am, really- I think about everyone out there that is going through the awful trauma that is caused by infidelity. I'm so busy right now, three kids-one a baby, working full time and a husband that has a demanding job. Its hard.

Husband and I are especially disconnected right now. There is never enough time in the day, night, weekend. It doesn't help that Husband only gets every other weekend off. And I'm post-partum and tired and that makes me SUPER crabby.

But we still love each other and when I feel stressed or worried I remember that I made it through something quite awful with Husband and that no matter what happens in my life that if I survived that I can survive this.

But I'd still very much like a nap. ...sigh.

Survived it al!

I've been waiting and holding my breath for two years, and now I can stop. That D Day-the day the Other was planning on his suicide mission, it has passed without incident. I have not become a Lifetime Television for Women movie.

I really tried not to worry and stress about it, but I just couldn't fully move on knowing that there could be an altercation in my future. But now I can breath... :)


So now what? Husband and I want to help other people, more than just having a blog. I'd like to write a fiction book about our experience with a companion book with tips and help... but would that help people? Or would holding seminars for people be helpful?

I'm not sure, but I think Husband is going to start a support group locally in the spring, which means that I may be outed as a cheater to people in my community. I've been working myself up to this, being ok with that. Its such a black (or scarlet) mark on a person, cheaters are loathsome to many people.

But I think we could help a lot of people and I should do my best to help if I can.

So thats all for now :)

And Some More...

Things here are really good except that as I neared the 2 year mark I kept thinking about it-and I'm pretty sure that this October is when my Other said he was going to come to my city and kill himself as a warped attempt to right his wrongs... Husband called him about his intention about 2 years ago and I really hope he changed his mind, I believe he did. Husband told him that the death plan wasn't a plan or wish from God. Husband is really quite amazing.

But I still find myself holding my breath until October is over. Its like, if I survive Oct I survived it all without becoming a casualty that will end up on a LifeTime Television for Women movie. Know what I mean?

Aside from my paranoia, which may or may not be partly hormonal, I'm doing well. I guess... I still think about having a panic word with my neighbor and what I will do if I show up and find the Other in my home or workplace. I have moved, changed my numbers, become unlisted. I try to be invisible as much as I can. But you can always find someone if you want to enough.

Oh well, life goes on and for the most part life is really good and really blessed. God would not have saved me from my wretchedness to just cast me into a dark pit, I just need to trust in God and have faith in God that he will continue to forgive, love and protect me.

Wow, two posts in one day-amazing!

And now, Tracy Chapman- Unsung Psalm

Time of Renewal

I haven't blogged in a long time, but not for lack of wanting to. I've been pregnant, my job has been insanely busy and we just moved into a new house over the summer. Not to mention that I had our daughter two weeks ago.

She was born on 9/25/09 at 9:25am. On 9/18/07 my husband confronted me over my transgression, on 9/19/07, during a session with a wonderful therapist, my eyes opened and I suddenly fell in love with my husband-and he chose to keep me. On 9/21/08 Husband and I renewed our vows and were baptized for the first time. As you can see, the second to last week of September is a very exciting and renewing time for us.

I may have said this before, I had to take meds to conceive my other two, so when I ended up pregnant with my third, my girl- and by accident AND she was due right around the time when the Big Bad happened, and our Renewal-it was quite exciting.

Anyway, baby is fussing now. I just wanted to leave an update, she's perfect and beautiful and the first baby we had that was conceived in total love :)