800 LB Gorrilla..

Thats what I feel is sitting in the corner staring at me with a little knowing smirk on his face. Its that heaviness that you feel when someone starts talking about adultery. Admonishing someone they know who is carrying on some illicit affair. And all you can do is sit there quietly trying not to be too obvious with your discomfort.

This is sometimes how I feel in the presence of my sisters. Not many people know about the Big Bad, but during the discovery I texted one of my sisters, nearly giving her a heart attack while she was driving.

Apparently they all knew something was going on, but weren't sure what. Anyway, I told her to just tell everyone about it for me...I was still working on an exit strategy, I was pretty sure Husband and I would be over and I would somehow end up being with the Other.

Her response was a big fat no, she wasn't telling anyone and no one needed to know. Then she told me to go see a counselor she knew. The best advice I've ever had and what saved my marriage.

Anyway...during the discovery, Husband broke two very old chairs that had belonged to my mother and at some point I had to explain what happened. So, I told her vaguely, while crying, about what happened. I didn't give details, just a little bit. At this time she was at another sisters house. So, in my head, I count 2 siblings and my mother who I know for sure knows.

But my sisters talk. A lot. And I know things about them they don't think I know because someone else told me. So I'm never quite certain who knows. And thats when the Gorilla sometimes comes.

When the topic comes up about someone having an affair all I can do is try to seem engaged and think of a clever way to change the topic. I can't join in their disgusted admonitions and I can't show my sympathy to the betrayer (of course the betrayed gets the well deserved sympathy).

(Mea Culpa) Since the Big Bad I have such a different perspective on this topic. I belonged to the outraged masses who condemned such awful behavior... but now I have sympathy for the betrayer because I understand the turmoil and self loathing and addiction they feel. Hating and loving everything, feeling things they feel they don't deserve to feel, not even knowing what to pray. During my awful months all I could do was pray that God's will be done. I didn't know what else to pray. Its in my nature to be a peacemaker, Swiss...to stick up for the person that is being raked across the coals. But having been in the drivers seat of Adultery...I just sit silently and listen. I can't bring myself to say anything.

So here I am, over a year later, and sometimes I feel intensely uncomfortable. I expect it sometimes, like when I'll see my Husband's best friend for the first time and wonder if he and his wife are thinking about what I did the whole time. And sometimes it'll come out of the blue like when the sister I did tell talks about her crazy whore ex-boss's numerous trysts... But I know this will eventually go away.

And, in the meantime, since it is the holiday seasons and we can't help be around friends and family that may know...all you can do is hold the thoughts back. Fight them, don't think and wonder, just be. We are all human and we make mistakes. All we can do is to pray for forgiveness and work at forgiving ourselves. As time passes I'm am certain it gets easier. Its already gotten easier for me.

So whats the best way to kill that Gorilla? Perhaps humor? Like when someone who knows talks about a friend's awful affair, you could fake outrage and declare how you could never do such a thing...then laugh.... That may not go over very well, but I bet it would sure make someone aside from you uncomfortable.

Oh well, I have no real answers. Chances are, if they are thinking about what you did while talking about their friend's affair, they are probably feeling just as uncomfortable as you and trying to think of a cleaver yet subtle exit strategy. Like when you call someone crazy while sitting next to your bi-polar co-worker.

Good luck with your Gorilla!