Monday, December 29, 2008

In Your Mind

In your mind. In your mind. So much of this battle that we are all on now lies inside your head. That space right between your ears is where most of the problem lies. That much I have learned from this journey.

See, the enemy wants you to linger on the details, hurt, pain, and junk that comes with a betrayal. But that is not what will help you or what God wants. Live in the moment, not in the past.

Lots of people call you every single day wanting you to sign up for long distance or buy a vacation package or donate money to the big police ball, but you don't talk to all of them, do you? Of course not. If you gave every telemarketer who called your house every minute that they wanted to talk to you, you would never get anything done. So you screen calls, you put yourself on the do-not-call list, you tell people very quickly that you don't have the time or money, and you hang up on them.

So, if you do that with your phone, then why not those dumb thoughts that come to you? Huh? Do it. Start screening your mind and when 'those' thoughts come to you, HANG UP! Take control and hang up. Think of something else. Anything else. Focus on the good or your breath. My new technique that I am using right now is just to focus on breathing. At work I can get very distracted. But I have a lot of time where I do somewhat meaningless tasks and I can just zone out. So yesterday I started to just focus on breathing. And it kinda works. I get more relaxed and in a better mood. So give it a try, but most important is to screen out things that want in, that you shouldn't let in.

Try this on for size:
In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

Living at the bottom of the stairs in your life
Never a smile knocking on your door
The air is blue and so are you
Prehistoric monsters on the floor

Last verse of your last song
And God don't hear dead men
The end of the line is in your mind
And you'll be staying in

In your mind, in your mind
Bone for bone and skin for skin
Eye for eye and tooth for tooth
Heart for heart and soul for soul
Somebody said what is true

Lock it up and close it down
The sound of morning like a dove
High beyond the rattle and roar
Look into the face of love

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

In your mind, in your mind
Sunday words are back again
And you'll eat your fun of the middleman's pie
But just a piece you understand
You'll get the rest up in the sky

Praise and glory, wounded angel
Shuffling round the room
Eternity is down the hall
And you sit there bending spoons
In your mind, in your mind
Father, son and holy ghost
Sacrificial drops the pain
On a silver planet cross
Sanctification on a chain

They say redemption draws knives
Storms of silence from above
Stop your ears close your eyes
Try to find the face of love

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

If you like it here is a you tube version of the song:
In your mind. In your mind. So much of this battle that we are all on now lies inside your head. That space right between your ears is where most of the problem lies. That much I have learned from this journey.

See, the enemy wants you to linger on the details, hurt, pain, and junk that comes with a betrayal. But that is not what will help you. Yes, you do need to deal with the stuff, but most of the time those thoughts come and you just need to not think about it. You can't spend the next few years reliving the past. Live in the moment, find joy and blessing and God in the here and now.

See, lots of people call you on the phone every single day wanting you to sign up for long distance or buy a vacation package or donate money to the big police ball, but you don't talk to all of them, do you? Of course not. If you gave every telemarketer who called your house every minute that they wanted to talk to you, you would never get anything done. So you screen calls, you put yourself on the do-not-call list, you tell people very quickly that you don't have the time or money, and you hang up on them.

So, if you do that with your phone, then why not those dumb thoughts that come to you? Huh? Do it. Start screening your mind and when 'those' thoughts come to you, HANG UP! Take control and hang up. Think of something else. Anything else. Focus on the good or your breathe.

My new technique that I am using right now is just to focus on breathing. At work I can get very distracted. But I have alot of time where I do somewhat meaningless tasks and I can just zone out. So yesterday I started to just focus on breathing. And so far it kinda works. I get more relaxed and in a better mood. Its easy too; deep breath in and out. So give it a try, but most important is to screen out things that want in, that you shouldn't let in.

I found this last week and I think it fits perfectly:

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

Living at the bottom of the stairs in your life
Never a smile knocking on your door
The air is blue and so are you
Prehistoric monsters on the floor

Last verse of your last song
And God don't hear dead men
The end of the line is in your mind
And you'll be staying in

In your mind, in your mind
Bone for bone and skin for skin
Eye for eye and tooth for tooth
Heart for heart and soul for soul
Somebody said what is true

Lock it up and close it down
The sound of morning like a dove
High beyond the rattle and roar
Look into the face of love

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

In your mind, in your mind
Sunday words are back again
And you'll eat your fun of the middleman's pie
But just a piece you understand
You'll get the rest up in the sky

Praise and glory, wounded angel
Shuffling round the room
Eternity is down the hall
And you sit there bending spoons
In your mind, in your mind
Father, son and holy ghost
Sacrificial drops the pain
On a silver planet cross
Sanctification on a chain

They say redemption draws knives
Storms of silence from above
Stop your ears close your eyes
Try to find the face of love

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

If you like it here is a you tube version of the song:

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Alone or Not?

ACK! Last night I'm sitting all alone watching Nancy Drew. I figure I'd be safe with Nancy Drew, nothing to sneak up and remind me of the Big Bad or the other. Its a movie about a teen detective. What could it possibly hold that would mirror something in my past?

Generally I wouldn't be trying to hide from it so much except during this Christmas shopping season I have become listless and depressed and lonely...which leads to battling thoughts.

So, I'm watching Nancy Drew and what happens? A stupid song that was a memory making song from the Other-jumps out at me and plays for a painfully long time. Stupid movie. Two different times it played!

And suddenly I'm thinking about the Other and the Big Bad and all the junk that comes with it. And I'm thinking about how lonely I am right now. How alone I am and have been since Thanksgiving and I find myself getting scared. I find myself thinking, What if I do it again? What if I'm like one of those cereal adulterers? And that thought scares the shit out of me. I never feel safe.

If there is one thing I've learned, its that anyone is capable of adultery. Even you. You may not think so, you think you'd never stoop to something like that...but so did I. And if I did it once, if I was wrong about the core and substance of who I was, I could be wrong again. Right?

WRONG! Those thoughts are from the enemy and cause me to doubt myself and my faith. My Sage would tell me that those thoughts are me fighting the flesh and "trying" to be good. Not giving it up to God and trusting him to protect me and fight with me against the evil and harm in the world. And it will never happen again because now I fight with more than just my will, but with God.

And more importantly, I have come through this process, have survived and grown stronger than I ever have been. I will feel the warning of the things that led me to do what I did-and I will talk to Husband about them if they pop up so we can fix them. I'm not alone anymore. My husband is with me and beside me in a way he never had been before. I am not alone.

So no matter how lonely I feel, I am never alone. I have God and my Husband with me always.

And you're not alone, because you have me and every other person who has ever gone through this, with you. Our pain and triumph and joy are out there swirling around...we are not alone in this.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Holidays After an Affair

Just wanted to let you all know that I'm thinking about you. Holidays can be tough after an affair, you may have some bad memories, old memories or facing people who know about the Big Bad. Just wanted you to know I'm praying for you and to hang in there.

If yucky thoughts come at you-push them out. My therapist says, "lots of people come knock at your door, but you don't have to let them come in and dwell inside." So, acknowledge it and then tell them, "no thank you" and close that door-move on.

Another wise person said to stop unwanted thoughts-speak aloud. I find that works. Even if you are yelling at the thoughts to get back-just talking and making sound seems to cut the thought off. Maybe try singing a little tune to banish it.

So take care, be merry and keep on working on your marriage. Seek help, seek support and care for yourself.

Merry Christmas all!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

And Time Stretches On...

I hate this time of year. Husband works retail and is gone 6 days a week for very long hours. We all get crabby this time of year. The house starts to look like a hell hole and I stop being patient and kind mommy. I get crabby with my monkeys.

Littlest Monkey, who will be 3 in April, has begun biting at daycare. Biting has coincided with the Christmas shopping season. He's bitten 4 times since Thanksgiving. I guess on Friday he bit one little girl rather hard and her father became very upset. Now daycare wants to kick out Littlest Monkey. Without a conference or problem solving session or anything. I'm just beside myself worrying about it. And I feel deeply responsible because I've been responding poorly to the things he does and the way he acts. It just makes it worse.

So I'm heading into the darkest part of the forest, the last leg of this mile, because I only have 2 more weeks to last...I'm really beginning to hate Christmas...

Husband is right about all of this though, we have been through so much worse. If we survived an affair we will work out something with daycare. It shouldn't be such a big deal except I feel like its a big part my fault and I worry about him adjusting.

In a time where everyone has so many worries about life. Money, marriages, jobs and illness...my little worry seems small. So I guess I just need to buck up and stop obsessing. And pray for everything to work out, as it always does for me, and pray for those who are worse off than me.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Should I Kill Myself Over My Adultery?

I don't know about you, but when I saw this search term in my blog stats, I gasped aloud. I thought frantically "Of course you shouldn't kill yourself!" and wondered if there was any way to reach out to the poor soul who thought a Google search might help them decide whether life would be worth living.

This person did happen upon my blog and I can only pray they found some words here to help them decide life was indeed worth living.

But these suicidal thoughts are not a surprise to me. During my moments of discovery I remember clearly staring into the green rocky water...thinking about how I'd have to jump and which spots I could wedge my body between so I couldn't be rescued. I wanted to jump so badly..but I didn't. And of course there was the cutting before that. So, I get it.

But I also know that there is life after an affair. Regardless of whether or not your marriage survives it, there is still life. The Big Bad of an affair will completely throw your life into turmoil. You'll feel alone and scared. Its very raw and it will break you down. But this process of breaking you down gives you the opportunity to rebuild yourself and becomes something new.

You have a chance to start all over again, in a marriage or as a single person learning about yourself all over again. For the still marrieds, this time can be very much like a honeymoon phase, mine indeed was. But I expected it to be a phase and was prepared, as much as I could be, for the outbursts and hurt that still came. But our honeymoon lasted a few months and we spent a lot of time talking, loving and caring for each other. There was a lot of work done and foundation started in those months so when the hard work came we had something stable already started. One thing I'm happiest for is the week Husband and I took off to spend together a few weeks after the discovery. It was just about he and I, something we hadn't had in years, and it made all the difference to our healing.

For the no longer marrieds, it can be a new and exciting time to get to know you. To deconstruct your personality and relationship and really learn what happened and what you want after your your healing process is finished.

Both groups really need some professional help through this. There is nothing like having a guide to lead you through the dark of the forest.

And if you can't afford a guide, then perhaps you'll be able to find some solace here, or in our online message board. Because life is still worth living.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

800 LB Gorrilla..

Thats what I feel is sitting in the corner staring at me with a little knowing smirk on his face. Its that heaviness that you feel when someone starts talking about adultery. Admonishing someone they know who is carrying on some illicit affair. And all you can do is sit there quietly trying not to be too obvious with your discomfort.

This is sometimes how I feel in the presence of my sisters. Not many people know about the Big Bad, but during the discovery I texted one of my sisters, nearly giving her a heart attack while she was driving.

Apparently they all knew something was going on, but weren't sure what. Anyway, I told her to just tell everyone about it for me...I was still working on an exit strategy, I was pretty sure Husband and I would be over and I would somehow end up being with the Other.

Her response was a big fat no, she wasn't telling anyone and no one needed to know. Then she told me to go see a counselor she knew. The best advice I've ever had and what saved my marriage.

Anyway...during the discovery, Husband broke two very old chairs that had belonged to my mother and at some point I had to explain what happened. So, I told her vaguely, while crying, about what happened. I didn't give details, just a little bit. At this time she was at another sisters house. So, in my head, I count 2 siblings and my mother who I know for sure knows.

But my sisters talk. A lot. And I know things about them they don't think I know because someone else told me. So I'm never quite certain who knows. And thats when the Gorilla sometimes comes.

When the topic comes up about someone having an affair all I can do is try to seem engaged and think of a clever way to change the topic. I can't join in their disgusted admonitions and I can't show my sympathy to the betrayer (of course the betrayed gets the well deserved sympathy).

(Mea Culpa) Since the Big Bad I have such a different perspective on this topic. I belonged to the outraged masses who condemned such awful behavior... but now I have sympathy for the betrayer because I understand the turmoil and self loathing and addiction they feel. Hating and loving everything, feeling things they feel they don't deserve to feel, not even knowing what to pray. During my awful months all I could do was pray that God's will be done. I didn't know what else to pray. Its in my nature to be a peacemaker, Swiss...to stick up for the person that is being raked across the coals. But having been in the drivers seat of Adultery...I just sit silently and listen. I can't bring myself to say anything.

So here I am, over a year later, and sometimes I feel intensely uncomfortable. I expect it sometimes, like when I'll see my Husband's best friend for the first time and wonder if he and his wife are thinking about what I did the whole time. And sometimes it'll come out of the blue like when the sister I did tell talks about her crazy whore ex-boss's numerous trysts... But I know this will eventually go away.

And, in the meantime, since it is the holiday seasons and we can't help be around friends and family that may know...all you can do is hold the thoughts back. Fight them, don't think and wonder, just be. We are all human and we make mistakes. All we can do is to pray for forgiveness and work at forgiving ourselves. As time passes I'm am certain it gets easier. Its already gotten easier for me.

So whats the best way to kill that Gorilla? Perhaps humor? Like when someone who knows talks about a friend's awful affair, you could fake outrage and declare how you could never do such a thing...then laugh.... That may not go over very well, but I bet it would sure make someone aside from you uncomfortable.

Oh well, I have no real answers. Chances are, if they are thinking about what you did while talking about their friend's affair, they are probably feeling just as uncomfortable as you and trying to think of a cleaver yet subtle exit strategy. Like when you call someone crazy while sitting next to your bi-polar co-worker.

Good luck with your Gorilla!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

"You Can't Handle the Truth"




I love the passion behind Jack Nickelson when you admonishes the young officer examining him on the witness stand. But I disagree.
After an affair there is the issue of questions and answers. The betrayed spouse has a ton of questions and the other spouse has all the answers. I can see both sides of this one now but I want to give my opinion on it.

The spouse whom had the affair (referred to after as the betrayer) doesn't like or want to answer hours and hours of seemingly endless questions. Questions that bring every little insignificant detail to light. Questions that don't matter, especially if the couple is focused on healing and moving forward. The betrayer feels that this leads to needless hurt, pain, and focusing on the past rather than the future. And to some extent they are correct.
But I know my feelings as the betrayed spouse and offer you this insight.

The affair is like a giant jigsaw puzzle. One of those ten thousand pieces with scenes within scenes. For example, a World War 2 puzzle might have lots of scenes on it. In one spot is the battle of the bulge, in another the invasion of Normandy, the bombing of London, Rosa the Riveter, the Holocaust, and raising the flag at Iwo Jima.

As the betrayed one of the things that you have to deal with is that the world you thought you knew, one of your spouse loving you and being faithful, is suddenly distorted. Part of the healing process is trying to make sense of the world and everything that happened.The betrayed spouse now has all the pieces of the 10,000 piece puzzle of the affair and the betrayed spouse has like 150 of those pieces.

We are trying to make sense of everything and we just can't without being able to see the big picture. Part of that is at least filling in some of those holes. We know that having all 10,000 pieces isn't going to help, but at the same time having only a small part of the puzzle leaves our mind to wonder what was in the empty space.

So at the beginning I knew that my wife cheated on me, that she spent a weekend together in a rented house, and that they sent each other tons of texts, emails, yadda yadda yadda. But then I needed to know more. Like what was the weekend like? What did you do? Did you go out to eat? Did you do anything in public? Did you kiss? Did you drive anywhere? It was really my way of putting the puzzle together.

See without all these seemingly insignificant details, the puzzle doesn't make sense. If I told you about World War 2 but only spoke the invasion of Normandy, you couldn't understand the war as a whole. There is no way anyone can understand WW II if you don't talk about the Holocaust. If you don't see at least some pictures of shoes, piles and piles of shoes, or people being herded into trains then you can not truly fathom the depth or the meaning of the Holocaust and therefore WW II.

The same holds true in an affair. You can't know every single detail of every minute, but having some or most of the details gives you a much better idea of the bigger picture. It also helps to put what little sense of the now changed world, back together again.

The other thing about the information is that it does create an unbalance of power. Since only one person has the power that is the information about the betrayal, the other one has nothing. Sharing the information (willingly and HONESTLY) does help to restore that balance.
So yes, Jack, maybe I can't handle the truth, maybe I'll even cry during the telling of the truth, but I need it to make sense of the world.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

You'll Come Back

More from Regina Spektor, I just heard this song when I watched Prince Caspian. Its really nice. Watch and read the lyrics.