Survived it al!

I've been waiting and holding my breath for two years, and now I can stop. That D Day-the day the Other was planning on his suicide mission, it has passed without incident. I have not become a Lifetime Television for Women movie.

I really tried not to worry and stress about it, but I just couldn't fully move on knowing that there could be an altercation in my future. But now I can breath... :)


So now what? Husband and I want to help other people, more than just having a blog. I'd like to write a fiction book about our experience with a companion book with tips and help... but would that help people? Or would holding seminars for people be helpful?

I'm not sure, but I think Husband is going to start a support group locally in the spring, which means that I may be outed as a cheater to people in my community. I've been working myself up to this, being ok with that. Its such a black (or scarlet) mark on a person, cheaters are loathsome to many people.

But I think we could help a lot of people and I should do my best to help if I can.

So thats all for now :)

And Some More...

Things here are really good except that as I neared the 2 year mark I kept thinking about it-and I'm pretty sure that this October is when my Other said he was going to come to my city and kill himself as a warped attempt to right his wrongs... Husband called him about his intention about 2 years ago and I really hope he changed his mind, I believe he did. Husband told him that the death plan wasn't a plan or wish from God. Husband is really quite amazing.

But I still find myself holding my breath until October is over. Its like, if I survive Oct I survived it all without becoming a casualty that will end up on a LifeTime Television for Women movie. Know what I mean?

Aside from my paranoia, which may or may not be partly hormonal, I'm doing well. I guess... I still think about having a panic word with my neighbor and what I will do if I show up and find the Other in my home or workplace. I have moved, changed my numbers, become unlisted. I try to be invisible as much as I can. But you can always find someone if you want to enough.

Oh well, life goes on and for the most part life is really good and really blessed. God would not have saved me from my wretchedness to just cast me into a dark pit, I just need to trust in God and have faith in God that he will continue to forgive, love and protect me.

Wow, two posts in one day-amazing!

And now, Tracy Chapman- Unsung Psalm

Time of Renewal

I haven't blogged in a long time, but not for lack of wanting to. I've been pregnant, my job has been insanely busy and we just moved into a new house over the summer. Not to mention that I had our daughter two weeks ago.

She was born on 9/25/09 at 9:25am. On 9/18/07 my husband confronted me over my transgression, on 9/19/07, during a session with a wonderful therapist, my eyes opened and I suddenly fell in love with my husband-and he chose to keep me. On 9/21/08 Husband and I renewed our vows and were baptized for the first time. As you can see, the second to last week of September is a very exciting and renewing time for us.

I may have said this before, I had to take meds to conceive my other two, so when I ended up pregnant with my third, my girl- and by accident AND she was due right around the time when the Big Bad happened, and our Renewal-it was quite exciting.

Anyway, baby is fussing now. I just wanted to leave an update, she's perfect and beautiful and the first baby we had that was conceived in total love :)

Sorry for being MIA

I haven't blogged in FOREVER.  I'm really sorry, I am still thinking and praying for all of you who have communicated with me this past year.

Things are really hectic and busy, I think I posted that Husband and I got pregnant and baby number three will likely come exactly 2 years after the discovery and our recovery.  1 year after our vow renewal and baptism.  12 years after being married and 2 years after falling in love.  :) This one is a girl and I can't wait to meet her.  My official date is Oct 1 but because I am having a repeat C Section it will be a week or two earlier-I'm hoping it will happen on the date of our renewal but I'm nervous it will be schedule for the same date of the discovery.  In a sense it would take that day back...but I'd rather it be a different day.

We also moved from our shoebox into a new house. Its beautiful and in a great neighborhood but has some things that need to be fixed before baby comes, so its been hectic.  Add to that the fact I blew up my computer- and I'm serious, there was smoke and everything and the fact that my job is so hectic and crazy... we'll blogging time has been very limited.

Anyway, one thing I discovered while packing everything up was that all those yuck emotions and memories of the other and what happened came back to me.  This move was the last thing for me to get away from the old memories and worries.  The other knew where I lived and I lived with the constant fear in the back of my mind that I would come home one day and find him there waiting.  Moving would free me from this, but it also made me aware of it which led to thinking about it which led to feelings of yuck.

I am now unlisted, my address is different and those are the last two things I've been waiting for to stop being fearful.  I still have some little worries, the Other threatened to do something drastic in my hometown...soon... so I know as fall approaches I will be thinking of this and will breath a sigh of relief when it doesn't happen.  Because I have faith it won't, I have faith God will step in and stop it.  I actually pray that the Other has found love and happiness and not just so I don't worry but because I think he could use it as well. 

Well, I was kind of all over the place here, sorry.  I just wanted to explain my silence.

--
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"

Grace Tells Another Story

When we think we can't forgive ourselves and heal...

Lies, and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them

The biggest mistake that I think us victims make is to personalize the betrayal.

"Its my fault! Why did I let this happen? If only... If I would have just..."

Even though by nature (and in large part my chosen profession) I am a problem solver, I quickly became a victim and all the junk that came with it. For months after the affair I had all those thoughts plus some I won't share over and over again, playing like the only country music station in the entire radio dial. "If you don't like this country song, my mind would say, here's another 10 stations all playing the same song just for you."

This lie behind all these thoughts are that your significant other betrayed you because of who you are or something you did. It is a lie. Those are all bold faced lies meant to keep you in a place of anger, hurt, and pain.

The truth is that affairs happen in the entire spectrum of marriage with no regard for money, social status, communication, sex, or a level of "happiness"

With that said you may have played a small part in the betrayal but it still was not your fault. I know that I did.

The analogy I like to use is that my wife got into a car accident. It hurt alot of people and was mostly her and the others fault but I was a contributing factor. I didn't keep the tires on her car properly inflated. I let her drive on really worn brakes. There were also warning signs that she was a wreckless driver that I ignored and a cry for help as well.
But she still chose to get into the car and was at fault for the accident.

Afterwords, I spent WAY too much time blaming myself. Way too much time was wasted trying to accept and place blame. I soon reverted back to my teenage year of being a victim with no control of my life.

That turned out to be the furthest thing from the truth. As the victim, my wife turned to me for guidance along the journey. Our counselor told us that I was the barometer of the relationship. As I healed, Scarlet found it ok to move on the the next phase as well.

If you are stuck in this phase, know that it is just a phase of the aftermath of the affair. But please don't focus on it. When these thoughts come into your head just say 'that's a lie and all lies come from the devil'
Say a prayer "In Jesus Christ's name I command you and this lie to leave. Jesus I invite you to come into my heart where the lie once was and heal me in that place.

Believe me when I say that I did this one a regular basis for a good part of a year and it does work. It is something I still do when I catch the lies sneaking back into my thoughts. The more I ask Jesus to come and truly invite him into my heart the closer I feel to him and the more peace I feel in my life.

Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you."

Matthew 11:29 "... learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls ..."

Which wolf will you feed today?

Here is an Cherokee tale of two wolves:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Its true. See we all have free will. We all get to do whatever we want, think about whatever we want, and make our own little world inside our minds. Sometimes our minds become little prisons that we feel we can't escape.

I'd say for the first 3-4 months after I found about my wife's affair, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I feed myself a plate of misery, hurt, pain, and anger on a daily basis. But then I realized that I had a choice to make.

I was able to picture myself 10 years from now and I saw two Ean's. The first one put on a mask for work, friends, and others, but inside was a wreck. He would turn to other things for any kind of escape. Work, sports, alcohol, movies, books, and probably greed in order to try and drown out the pain from being betrayed.

Or I could not. I could, in fact, choose joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. And that's what I did.

I forgave my wife. And I mean really forgave her. I choose first to forgive. I didn't "feel" like I had forgiven her and I felt, at times, that I shouldn't. There were even times were I had wished I hadn't. But I did. I choose to forgive her and THEN the feeling of forgiveness came to me. I feed the right wolf and keep feeding it and it grew more and the other wolf died.

And let me tell you that other wolf did not go down without a fight. I would have visions of telling my wife off. Telling her all of the things that I wanted to really say. All of the things that were inside my head of how she really hurt me. And when I started those visions, it really seemed like a wolf inside of me growing and taking over. That anger would come and the pain would come and so would the tears.

Don't feed that wolf. When that wolf comes 'round, tell it to go away. The devil will use whatever tricks he can to get you to live a life of anger and hate and focus on the betrayal. But we do have free will. As much as your hurting and full of just 'junk' inside you (believe me I know), you still get to choose which wolf to feed.

I promise you that if you feed the wolf of joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith that your life will get better. I have chosen the path that God laid out for me and have not looked back. That wolf still comes around once in a while and entices me with his old tricks, but he knows that he has no power over me. That 'junk' that once filled every second of every day is still there once in a blue moon but it is like a anthill compared to the rocky mountains that it once was.

Matthew 6:21-23 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness."

How He Forgave Me After the Affair

My husband made the decision to forgive me before he felt it. He knew that was what he had to do so he made the decision to just do it. So he really had to fight to forgive. And he did it successfully. He has yet to ever throw it in my face what I did, although I often throw it at myself (in my head)-or used to. I've gotten better at not self flagellating.

My husband was so kind and really took care of me, which is so strange and odd. But taking care of me gave him something to do after the discovery, he started to protect me in a way he had never done before, even though he was protecting me from myself and from what I had done. Odd-but I think that purpose helped him.

Just a little thought to throw out there.

How did you forgive? How were you forgiven?

Missing the Other: Life After the Discovery

One of my readers wrote me to ask me if I ever missed my Other and if so, what did I do. Below is my answer to her, but I'd really appreciate responses here from anyone who might have more applicable advice. Because, unfortunately, I don't know how far my answer to her question will take her.

Hello,

I can answer this but I don't know if I'm the best person to. The answer is, magically and inexplicably, no-I never missed my Other. I was afraid the missing would come, terrified really, but it never did. And this is not because I'm anyone special or have magnificent control over my mind, but because everything I could have missed at all about him was easily taken care of and represented in my husband.

I don't know how much of my blog you read, but if you read this post you'll see what I mean. In there I do my best to describe the moment when suddenly everything changed.

I was musing with husband about this the other day. We have always both believed we were meant to be together, but when we met we were both sort of broken in different ways. The people who met weren't the people who were ultimately meant to be together. I was supposed to be a girl who loved him desperately and stood with him as a strong partner tied together with a common passion and purpose. He was to be a man who was strong and unbreakable yet loving and kind. Neither of us were this. I think we both craved the thing we thought we were meant to have.

So in the therapists office, I think there was a huge inner change in my husband and I think the real me felt the real him in that moment. I don't know any other way to explain how I would be looking at him and suddenly feel like a veil had been lifted off my eyes and fall in love with him right then. And he was able to look at me and see that suddenly I did love him for real-and see it in my eyes in a way he never saw there before.

So no, I never had a moment of missing the Other. But that is only because my husband and I became what the other needed. If we had not, if we hadn't gone to counseling and powered through just on will alone without changing the things about us that were broken-our 11 years of bad habits and quarrels, I think it would have been very different.

And that is what I think the key is. What ever you might miss about the Other is something you really might be missing from your spouse. Dissect that and see what you can come up with and then work with your husband so both of you can become what you were meant to be to each other.

Maybe that was more than what you were looking for. I certainly don't think you're alone in missing him-so don't feel alone in this. I think my case is fairly unique and I thank god every day for this blessing.

This House is Not For Sale

This is a song that I found after the Discovery/Recovery. I really liked it and I likened the lyrics to my husband saying his life was not for sale. Just the fight, and that no one could take away our home without us fighting for it. And of course all the times he told me to " Calm DOOOOOOOOWN!"

But the more I listen to this song, the more I'm certain that it is really about the movie Beetlejuice. Seriously, check out the lyrics. I've just been wanting to share this, I know this is totally off topic, but about 99% of this blog is dedicated to dissecting adultery, I can have a little off topic moments, can't I?

This House is Not For Sale (Lyrics-Ryan Adams)

Tell 'em that the house is not for sale
We're still livin' here, how come nobody can tell
They're takin' all the furniture, movin' our things (The Step-mom and Otto walking around talking about all the stuff their going to do to change the house)
Come on little honey, put your head on my knee
Tell 'em that the house is not for sale
And calm down, calm down, calm down
Calm down, calm down, calm down

Do you remember when we even bought this thing?
I danced you across the wooden floor and you signed the lease
What happened in the car that night? (Total reference to the accident on the bridge)
What happened in the car that night?
Tell 'em that the house is not for sale
And calm down, calm down, calm down
Calm down, calm down, calm down
Calm down

Tell 'em that the house is not for sale
We could grab a couple sheets, yeah, give 'em quite a scare (their first attempt was wearing sheets with eye holes cut out)
I remember lyin' on the bedroom floor
You were holding me, little honey, kissin' my soul
Tell 'em that the house is not for sale
And calm down, calm down, calm down
Calm down, calm down, calm down
Calm down
Calm down
------------------------------
So, am I crazy or what? Anyone else agree?
Now for your enjoyment, Ryan Adams :) -This House is Not For Sale

How Do You Cope After an Affair?

I know Husband needs to blog more, he's sick with a sinus infection and he works some pretty crappy hours which doesn't leave a lot of energy for blogging. But he's beginning to see that our blog is helpful to some people.

More than anything he wants to start a local support group for people. I think that would be great however I'm just not ready to out myself fully yet. I live in a pretty small town and all of the yuck is still very fresh. Besides, neither of us have any time at all so I don't know how we'd manage to squeeze one more thing into our hectic and crazy life.

So I thought I'd try to blog a little more. And I was thinking about some coping mechanisms I used after the discovery. First off, I really detest coping. To me coping means you sort of give up and make due with your lot in life and stop trying to change it. It seems so helpless.

So imagine how hard it was for me to realize I did something I couldn't change! I couldn't take it back or make it right. That had NEVER happened to me. It drove me insane with grief and fear. So I had to cope.

I wrote before that I tried hard to remake myself after the discovery. That was one way I tried coping. I worked hard on getting healthy. something I'd needed to do for the last ten years. I'd gotten really fat in college. I started running shortly after I "met" the Other, but after the discovery I worked harder on myself and started a weight loss program. Since I couldn't make what I did go away I tried to make the body that did it go away. Does that make sense?

The only way I could think to cope with this was to become a different person than the one who did the Big Bad. I really started to deconstruct myself and I think I realized something really important.

My counselor talked about how I had taken my heart offline after my first love and I broke up. I think he was dead right, and I think I stopped growing since that time. I feel like I slept walked through the years after, not living but just existing and content but never truly happy.

When Husband fought for me and my eyes were open suddenly and I fell in love with him, my heart came back online. I was then able to trace back and see the little hurts and the old wounds that led me to who I became. A person with two parts, the light and the dark. I had let the dark win out because it seemed stronger, but it wasn't. It was just angrier. Anger seems that way but its just a secondary emotion to something deep and rotten. Now the light has won!

Ok, I'm totally babbling. So anyway, I coped. I remade and I listened to a hell of a lot of new music. I made soundtracks for Husband and I at each stage of our journey. We had Soul Kissing-which was the few months after the discovery and recovery where we were in a honeymoon sort of state. Then there was Coming Through the Woods-as we struggled through all the yuck we were dealing with. Then Outside the Blastzone-for after we made it through the worst of the muck. And now I have a soundtrack for my fiction pieces I work on because he and I are mostly good. :)

When I go through each soundtrack it takes me back to all those emotions I felt during each stage. Its sometimes painful but sometimes very good. It helps me see what we've come through and how we've won. Its healing and reinforcing.

Today has been a long day, Spring is a long time coming and Husband is sick. I have a baby growing in me that makes me sick all day long and two children who like to not be fully potty trained even though they should be... But tonight is a good night and today was a great day because I didn't have to be alone. Husband and I survived and are better and stronger for it, and you can do it too.

Believe me when I say this-I never thought I'd love my husband. I married him as a friend figuring that I'd never love anyone other than my first love. But something happened the day after the discovery while we sat in our counselors office, and I can only say that I was touched by a miracle and so was Husband. And I am so truly thankful for that.

You're Not Alone in Your Recovery from Adultery

Every week I get more and more emails from men and women trying to survive this process of recovery from adultry. You are not alone and you all have experiences and support to offer to each other. If I could get you all in a room together I can just imagine the help and healing that might happen. In fact one of my emailers who has been struggling with breaking off an affair has found help through chatting with a husband who was cheated on. We could all help each other.

If you feel brave, leave a comment here-discuss what is happening with you. If you feel not so brave make an alias and do it anyway :). Or go to the Support board linked in the sidebar. Its not that active but I think that is in part because we hide so much from what we did.

I started this blog to face what I did, I called it Peering Into Darkness at first, but gradually felt like it was instead leading me to the light.

If you're feeling REALLY brave, write your own blog and let me know (you can still have an alias).

And as always I invite people to be guest bloggers here.

So reach out to one another-help each other.

A Little Epiphany

Lately I've been having the old yuck thoughts returning to me. The crippling guilt, the worry, the fear that the Other will somehow pop back into my world and turn it upside down. He does know where I live, I seriously can't wait to move just to have that little barrier there.

So I've been struggling and not sure why suddenly this struggle seems harder, why the thoughts are coming more frequently again. After some dissecting these were the things I figured out.

1. We got cable and I have been watching TV more. TV leads to pointless and meaningless distraction. In my defense I have wicked morning sickness all day long, but at night its the worse. And sometimes all I can do is just lay on the couch and moan. I can't help that.

2. I haven't been writing creatively or blogging because of feeling sick and being tired.

I wasn't sure which of these things was the culprit or if I was being stupid and just looking for excuse to explain away my flaw and weakness.

But then on Saturday night I felt pretty decent so I downloaded some tunes and made a play list for the novel I'm working on and really spent some time editing and writing. And I'll tell you what, I felt amazing the whole next day. I realized around 5pm that I hadn't had a single bad thought that whole night.

So my conclusion is, both. The distraction of the mindless television doesn't help my inner thoughts and inner peace or my connection with my husband. And my writing gives me a wonderful creative outlet that allows me to channel a lot of my thoughts and feelings into characters and events.

So what helps you? Do you know? If you don't know what can fight off those yucky demons chasing your thoughts perhaps you should look into doing something expressive and creative. Its a wonderful outlet.

Take it easy and stay strong everyone!

Constant Vigilance!

Constant Vigilance...the cry of Mad Eye Moody from the Harry Potter series always rings in my head when it comes to thinking about my marriage after the affair. Mad Eye is warning about keeping your awareness of the enemy. In my marriage I am reminding myself that same thing. Distraction is my enemy.

I've been distracted a bit lately. I like to blame a fresh bout of mornings sickness (yes, we went and got knocked up, a few months earlier than we had planned, but we're very happy) and TV. Before recently we had no TV but I got tired of getting no signal on the converter box so we sprung for basic cable. And now, while laying sick on the couch, instead of talking to Husband I am vegging out. Not good.

During this same time I have found myself going back to the dark place of fear and self hatred that I was in before healing from what happened. The thoughts were coming at me more frequently and I felt very attacked. I would actually swear at the thoughts and tell them "shut up you assholes" lol. That works, seriously. Yell or talk to keep those bad thoughts away.

But I know that I'm more vaulnerable to the attacks because I am weak in my relationship. Not that we aren't strong and happy, just that we are both stressed and distracted and have not had any serious one on one time. So I turned off the TV and instead of vegging out on the couch we got into bed and my husband read aloud to me. That was so much more enjoyable.

So-that is my lesson for today. Constant Vigilance! Always look for that enemy in your marriage and then take steps to neutralize it.

Must see Webinar this Sunday at 8pm EST

We love to help as many people as possible but we also know that there are many more and better sites out there for people. This is one of them. This webinar will pull together many of the leading experts in the field together, most have been through an affair themselves.

Please watch, as it looks to us that this webinar is put on to help people, and not sell anything.

-Ean

Below is the letter from www.affairrecovery.com :

My inbox is full of nothing but pain. Email after email reflects the turmoil and confusion of those who have been betrayed. If you're getting this email, I know you understand what I'm talking about.

More needs to be done. So we're networking with other leaders in the field in hopes of providing what you need. Sunday evening, February 22ndth at 8:00 PM EST, I'll be joining a panel of experts on a teleconference sponsored by the Affair Recovery Center to address issues specifically for betrayed spouses.

Joining me on the call will be:

• Rick Reynolds, founder of The Affair Recovery Center
• Anne Bercht, author of "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me"
• John Haney and Leslie Hardie, authors of Harboring Hope
• Mona Shriver of Hope & Healing Ministries, Inc. and co-author of "Unfaithful"
• Joe Beam, president of Love Path International

If you're interested in getting answers to some of the hard questions, then I hope you'll join our event.

http://www.AffairRecovery.com/ft/arc

But that's not even the best part, over the next three weeks Harboring Hope is giving away multiple resources for those of you who have been betrayed. This is in preparation for the reopening of the Harboring Hope course.

Please take advantage of their free resources. You'll find them to be relevant and practical. Join their Harboring Hope preregistration list to take advantage of their bonus materials. You don't have to buy a thing just take advantage of the gift.

http://www.AffairRecovery.com/ft/arc

You'll be getting a follow-up email asking what questions you'd like to have answered during the teleconference. Give serious thought to what your questions might be and join us for this ground-breaking event.

Best regards,

Rick

P.S. I know you get hit with "offers" every day.
Well, this isn't one of them. There is nothing for sale at this teleseminar.
4131 Spicewood Springs Road, Suite K-1, Austin, TX 78759, USA

Trust after an Affair: Part I

Trust is a huge huge thing in any relationship. Especially when you live with someone day in and out, sharing your lives with each other.

How do you rebuild trust after you've cheated on your partner? And how do you even learn to trust yourself?

If you were the offending spouse, which I was, I think its important to answer all the questions honestly and do your best to be an open book. But even more important than that is being very honest with your feelings. Things I would think and feel but keep silent about before, I made a point to tell my husband. I tried my best to be totally open for him as much as I could be, no matter how uncomfortable I was.

And I also had to understand that he couldn't just trust me over night. When he checked my phone records or asked me strange questions, I understood and answered without getting angry. It makes sense for him to have questions. Our counselor said from the beginning, "trust but verify".

This meant for Husband to put his trust in me (and in God too), but to also verify that I was living up to that trust. This gave him peace of mind and each time he'd check up on me and see that there was nothing to find, he verified that I was being trust worthy and he began to trust me more.

I think trust building is extremely important, work together with a counselor to get that back and start rebuilding your relationship.

Remaking You After the Affair

The first ten years of my marriage my husband was fond of saying that I never "changed" there was never anything I had to work on or fix. I thought I was perfect. That was his perception, however I knew I was far from perfect, but the only thing I could imagine that I needed to work on was my housekeeping ability. They are lacking in a big way.

I don't blame him for being frustrated all those years, I think he felt very nit picked.

He doesn't say that to me anymore however.

After the affair we were both so broken that we had to completely rebuild ourselves. Husband had some massive changes overnight. Things unexplainable that were suddenly different about him. For instance he now tolerated and enjoyed spicy food now, he began writing poetry (this is a guy who'd never written creatively in his life) and intimacy was so completetly different. I'm not going to get into the sex stuff right now, but Husband is planning a post about Sex and Intimacy after the affair in the future.

But what I'm getting at is that very strange things were suddenly different about him, and then there were very large personality changes as well. I think his battling for his life (essentially) suddenly made him an incredibly strong and self respecting man. Something he had never acheived before.

Me, well I felt very much like I had spun a chrysalis around my tainted body and broken spirit and slept. The first few weeks after the discovery it was all I could do to keep my eyes open at night. I was so thoroughly exhausted I could only imagine all the effort I had put into my 10 years of hiding my true feelings and the 6 months of lying had taken a lot more effort than I imagined.

Husband carried me through those months afterwards and kept the reality of what I did from crushing me completly. It seems very odd that he would protect me so much, especially when he was hurting so much. But protection is what I had craved our whole marriage and I think he thought it was now his duty. It gave him something to do during the recovery.

Me, well I used what happened to get in better shape. I was a good deal overweight which led to a lot of self loathing. I wanted to change as much of me as I could. I wanted to be a different person. And that was my first focus, I wanted to have a different body, one that had never been seen by another person outside my husband. I also started writing and reading more and became active with service projects in the community. Things I had always loved but let slide into the background.

And we remade ourselves as a couple. First and foremost we turned off the TV and spent our evenings talking, writing together and reading aloud to each other when we didn't want to process anymore.

And of course all of this made us better parents.

Those first 6-8 months after the affair were the hardest. There was much pain and sadness from Husband and a lot of fear and horror from me. But as time moved by the thoughts come less, the happiness more frequent and we healed.

Twisted Love of Adultry

We have all experienced pain in our lives. Most of us many many years ago and then again very recently with the discovery or the act of betrayal. But those words that were said, those awful things done to us, many times as children or adolescence, has shaped us. We accepted those messages as our own. We actually believed them, they became a part of our twisted view of ourselves, the world, and God. Some of us vowed to never feel that again.

As a child with no dad, I so longed for a father in my life. And I did have many 'dads'; usually abusive men who came in and out of our lives. My siblings always embraced them quickly. I held back, but I soooooo wanted that Father in my life. So I made a vow. I will never abandon my kids, no matter what. As noble as that may seem on the outside - it just set me up. That vow was to cover the pain in my life and it then put so much pressure and such a high status on my marriage that my marriage now became the most important thing in my life.

And you can't do that. Because my wife is not perfect and any and every failure would break my world view and my vow. Some of you had (or have) a broken heart and vowed to never have that happen again. But by doing so, you are (as our counselor would say) taking your heart offline. By guarding your heart, you are just setting yourself up for failure. You will never experience love with a guarded heart. Of course I am talking about your relationship with other people but the same holds true for God.

36"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38This is the first and greatest commandment. (Matthew 22:36-38 NIV)

We were not meant to live a life of shame, embarrassment, ridicule, denial, hatred, anger or any of the other 1000 emotions that come on this journey we are all on. We are meant to life a life of LOVE. Love to God, not just service, not to 'stop sinning' but a life of love, heartfelt love.

Stop and pray right now - pray for love, Gods love to fill you and your life. Pray that you in turn will choose to love God, even in the midst of the worst time of your life. Pray that you will focus on God's love for you when your mind wants to scream at you and tell you to do things that you shouldn't. Pray that you will live in the moment, no longer a slave to the past or worry about what may or may not come in the future. Pray that you will quiet your mind in order to hear God who lives in your heart. And I can tell you from experience that if you can do this, you will feel peace, love, and freedom that you never dreamed of.

What I've Done

Here is a good song by Linkin Park and the same song covered by Marie Digby

In this farewell
There's no blood
There's no alibi
Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

Of what I've done

Start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done

I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done


Of what I've done

First Linkin Park's version:



Then Marie Digby's:

Take This Sinking Boat and Point It Home...

Song from the movie Once. Beautiful.

Falling Slowly




I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Fight, We must Fight!

I hate the modern day notion of God. That God is some weak uncaring being who wants people to go to church and 'turn the other cheek.' Bullshit. Did Jesus turn the other cheek when the Pharasies tried to trap him into saying things that went against certain laws in the Torah? NO! He stood his ground and (verbally) fought them. He would not let them do whatever they want and become a holy mat to be walked on.

John Eldredge, in Way of the Wild Heart, calls the Exodus story one of the saddest in the entire Bible. Lets take a look:

But you were unwilling to go up; you rebelled against the command of the Lord your God. You grumbled in your tents and said, "The Lord hates us; so he brought us out of Egypt to deliver us into the hands of the Amorites to destroy us. Where can we go? Our brothers have made us lose heart. They say, 'The people are stronger and taller than we are; the cities are large, with walls up to the sky. We even saw the Anakites there.'" Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you [Notice that God does not say comfort, or guide, or help, you; rather God WILL FIGHT FOR YOU!]

as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." In spite of this, you did not trust in the Lord your God . . . Then you replied, "We have sinned against the Lord. We will go up and fight, as the Lord our God commanded us." (Deut. 1:26–41 NIV)

Forty years of wondering the wilderness is a great analogy to our lives. God had delivered his people from Egypt in the most dramatic way possible. He opened up a river to let his people escape then crashed down a wall of water on their enemies. But as triumphant of a victory that was, everyone lost heart when they saw what they were up against next. They would not fight for the promised land and they told themselves it was too much. Doesn't this sound familiar "they are stronger and taller than we" We look at our obstacles and we give up. Then look what happened next :"Israel was thereupon sentenced to wander forty years in the wilderness" (Nu. 14:34).

This is life. If you are unwilling to fight, then you will wonder the wilderness, having lost all heart, unable to find your promised land. God did not create a people to just turn the other cheek or as our society has taught us 'be the bigger person' and not do something drastic. And God is not going to just give you happiness and a life of peace and harmony on a silver platter, you are going to have to fight for it.

God gave us a spirit AND an enemy to fight. So go fight. Fight for what is right. Fight for your spouse your family. Why would you have found love and marriage in your spouse if you were not meant to be together? Why would you be blessed with marriage and only to throw it all away?

The devil is out there to ruin lives. I know for a fact that he tried to ruin mine. He thought that if my wife cheated on me that I would just leave and 'be the bigger person'. I knew that everyone would be fine with me leaving her. Even the Bible says its ok to divorce if your spouse is unfaithful.

But deep down I heard the call. I heard the cry to fight for her, for my family, and yes for myself. For if I had given up that day, I would be in a world of chaos, depression, and regret for most of my life.

If you are going through a betrayal, and very soon after the discovery, I know the things flying around in your head. There are some very very dark thoughts there. Thoughts of suicide, murder, revenge, and hate. Then there are thoughts of doing the right thing. As I was thinking about it, I could feel a wellspring of hope inside me. On that car ride home, while mulling over the decision, I turned to her and she saw that hope in me. She smiled, a deep but unsure of smile and I just turned back to driving, myself not sure what to do. I am so glad that I fought that day. It really has made all the difference in the world for me. I

I say use Joan of Arc's words "In God's name we must fight them!" --Joan of Arc

Where is God during the affair and afterwords?

So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other way about—He is looking for us. - Simon Tugwell

Read that quote, just one more time (for my sake, please ;)

So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other way about—He is looking for us. - Simon Tugwell

Wow, we sit around wondering where is God? Where is God in all of our pain, suffering and why did He let this happen to ME!!! I know, I've been there. I was so there after the discovery of my wife's affair; so angry at God, so angry that the same God who created the heavens, the earth, creatures of every kind and size, and miracles everywhere would let something SO bad, awefull, painful, and heartbreaking to happen to me. I felt betrayed by God. He could have stopped it, He could have put one finger up and it never would have happened.

But there is so much more to the story that I see now. See, God wants us and our hearts. But he wants them unconditionally. He doesn't want to go around and create miracles and bless you, just so you will look up and notice him, and only THEN decide to give him your heart. He wants you but not only because He can do things for you, on demand. See, He is like any other lover looking for the heart of the loved one. We want love at first sight (or miracle) but God wants everlasting love. And He has been looking for it all of your life.

Once I had forgiven my wife for her part in the affair, I was then free to experience Gods love. And I felt it. I mean really felt it in my life. God is an internal God, one of the heart. And we keep looking for God in miracles and the external world. He's there, but not as much as you want Him to be.

See we want, Quid pro quo, tit for tat, something in exchange for something. "I will believe in you, if you .... fill in the blank. God doesn't want that. This isn't McDonalds. "I want one holy life, riches beyond compare, minus the backbreaking work, oh and one giant miracle right now. Then I will believe in you, God. Did you get all that, God?"

He wants us for no other reason than He is who He is. That's all.

Believe me, God wants you and is searching for you. But this world holds so much more than you can see, feel, touch and taste that sometimes we miss most of it. We miss God gently nudging us to do give in and experience the fullness of life. So, know that God wants you and your heart. It really is quite backwards I know, but its there for the taking.

Matt 22:35 One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment.