This is a song that I found after the Discovery/Recovery. I really liked it and I likened the lyrics to my husband saying his life was not for sale. Just the fight, and that no one could take away our home without us fighting for it. And of course all the times he told me to " Calm DOOOOOOOOWN!"
But the more I listen to this song, the more I'm certain that it is really about the movie Beetlejuice. Seriously, check out the lyrics. I've just been wanting to share this, I know this is totally off topic, but about 99% of this blog is dedicated to dissecting adultery, I can have a little off topic moments, can't I?
This House is Not For Sale (Lyrics-Ryan Adams)
Tell 'em that the house is not for sale
We're still livin' here, how come nobody can tell
They're takin' all the furniture, movin' our things (The Step-mom and Otto walking around talking about all the stuff their going to do to change the house)
Come on little honey, put your head on my knee
Tell 'em that the house is not for sale
And calm down, calm down, calm down
Calm down, calm down, calm down
Do you remember when we even bought this thing?
I danced you across the wooden floor and you signed the lease
What happened in the car that night? (Total reference to the accident on the bridge)
What happened in the car that night?
Tell 'em that the house is not for sale
And calm down, calm down, calm down
Calm down, calm down, calm down
Calm down
Tell 'em that the house is not for sale
We could grab a couple sheets, yeah, give 'em quite a scare (their first attempt was wearing sheets with eye holes cut out)
I remember lyin' on the bedroom floor
You were holding me, little honey, kissin' my soul
Tell 'em that the house is not for sale
And calm down, calm down, calm down
Calm down, calm down, calm down
Calm down
Calm down
------------------------------
So, am I crazy or what? Anyone else agree?
Now for your enjoyment, Ryan Adams :) -This House is Not For Sale
Showing posts with label off topic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label off topic. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
And Time Stretches On...
I hate this time of year. Husband works retail and is gone 6 days a week for very long hours. We all get crabby this time of year. The house starts to look like a hell hole and I stop being patient and kind mommy. I get crabby with my monkeys.
Littlest Monkey, who will be 3 in April, has begun biting at daycare. Biting has coincided with the Christmas shopping season. He's bitten 4 times since Thanksgiving. I guess on Friday he bit one little girl rather hard and her father became very upset. Now daycare wants to kick out Littlest Monkey. Without a conference or problem solving session or anything. I'm just beside myself worrying about it. And I feel deeply responsible because I've been responding poorly to the things he does and the way he acts. It just makes it worse.
So I'm heading into the darkest part of the forest, the last leg of this mile, because I only have 2 more weeks to last...I'm really beginning to hate Christmas...
Husband is right about all of this though, we have been through so much worse. If we survived an affair we will work out something with daycare. It shouldn't be such a big deal except I feel like its a big part my fault and I worry about him adjusting.
In a time where everyone has so many worries about life. Money, marriages, jobs and illness...my little worry seems small. So I guess I just need to buck up and stop obsessing. And pray for everything to work out, as it always does for me, and pray for those who are worse off than me.
Littlest Monkey, who will be 3 in April, has begun biting at daycare. Biting has coincided with the Christmas shopping season. He's bitten 4 times since Thanksgiving. I guess on Friday he bit one little girl rather hard and her father became very upset. Now daycare wants to kick out Littlest Monkey. Without a conference or problem solving session or anything. I'm just beside myself worrying about it. And I feel deeply responsible because I've been responding poorly to the things he does and the way he acts. It just makes it worse.
So I'm heading into the darkest part of the forest, the last leg of this mile, because I only have 2 more weeks to last...I'm really beginning to hate Christmas...
Husband is right about all of this though, we have been through so much worse. If we survived an affair we will work out something with daycare. It shouldn't be such a big deal except I feel like its a big part my fault and I worry about him adjusting.
In a time where everyone has so many worries about life. Money, marriages, jobs and illness...my little worry seems small. So I guess I just need to buck up and stop obsessing. And pray for everything to work out, as it always does for me, and pray for those who are worse off than me.
Monday, October 27, 2008
My Emotional Basement
This began as an email to my best friend, but as usual, I chickened out and didn't send it. She wouldn't mind me sending it, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. So I'm blogging it. And let me note here that she and I have never had a fight in our entire friendship. Ever.
Lately we have had little tiffs, or more accurately it seems like she has been getting upset with me. For instance she was trying to conceive her 3rd child and wasn't getting pregnant right away, and by right away I mean the first few months. On the other hand I'm not trying to get pregnant but Husband and I aren't 100% careful all the time. I would say we're mostly careful but sometimes there could be a slight chance I could potentially get pregnant (and I mean slight because I had to take clomid just to conceive my first two). So I'm also pretty irregular with my cycle, so during her attempting conception months I would be late and wonder if by some weird glitch, I was pregnant.
Finally she yelled at me when I would wonder if I should test, she was really mad. I felt that was incredibly unfair. She'd only been trying for a few months, its not like she has fertility issues. I work with a woman who took 4 years and 1 miscarriage to conceive. That is trouble conceiving. I just bottled up my feelings. I didn't say anything. I told her it wasn't like I was a crack whore mom getting knocked up with my 8th kid I never wanted.
Then after she did become pregnant and we'd talk on the phone, I'd say something like, "I wish we were pregnant together." Because our first two we were. I miss sharing that. So one day she tells me she felt like her pregnancy has put a strain on our friendship, that she felt like she couldn't share things with me. That floored me. I didn't know what to say besides "how on earth could you ever think that??" She and I have been best friends for 16 years, she has been a constant in life and she is one of the people I love most in the world. Her saying that really pushed me into a sadness I had been ignoring.
We talked about it briefly and we decided that we just need to make phone dates and talk more. That the lack of talking as much was what was causing the strain.
Then tonight she was talking about her big ultrasound coming up. I couldn't remember if they knew the gender from her previous ultra sound or not. I felt like in the back of my head I remembered, but I opened my stupid mouth and professed I didn't-at which point she yelled at me and told me now she was really mad at me. I do remember now her telling me she went and bought something pink...
I shut down. I just was like, "Dude, I don't remember crap these days." and she said something like I better not, I better be that flighty, and all I wanted to do was hang up the phone and cry.
I guess I could have said something on the phone, I don't know. I just don't have the capacity to deal well with anyone yelling at me anymore. I let shit behind my back slide off (like at work with the psycho drama co-worker boss harassment weirdness) but I can't deal with it up front. I think I spent so much of my energy surviving the affair and the emotions that came with it, that I don't have much left over to control. So I shove them into the basement and hope they'll go away. And they never do. They stay down there and get angrier and darker and more sad.
Am I such a bad friend :( it makes me want to cry... I almost did, I still may. I have so much crap clogging my head, trying to remember so many things, things that don't matter like work crap, I just don't seem to have any room left. I sometimes can't tell the difference between something that happened in a dream and something that happened for real. I'm tired and stressed and I live in a shoebox and I'm fighting depression-situational depression.
And always, one of the things that has terrified me most is the thought of losing her. She has always loved me regardless... maybe that is what I'm afraid of. That she doesn't love me as much.
I am just so sad right now. And the Big Bad is taking advantage of this, starting to whisper old memories in my head... the things I want to forget. Its not plaguing me like in the early days, but I'm afraid they will start to. I'm not sure what to do. I know that clearly I should talk to her, but for some reason I'm just afraid to do so. Perhaps I'm afraid the crap will burst out of the basement and do irreparable harm some how. I'm not sure. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.
Lately we have had little tiffs, or more accurately it seems like she has been getting upset with me. For instance she was trying to conceive her 3rd child and wasn't getting pregnant right away, and by right away I mean the first few months. On the other hand I'm not trying to get pregnant but Husband and I aren't 100% careful all the time. I would say we're mostly careful but sometimes there could be a slight chance I could potentially get pregnant (and I mean slight because I had to take clomid just to conceive my first two). So I'm also pretty irregular with my cycle, so during her attempting conception months I would be late and wonder if by some weird glitch, I was pregnant.
Finally she yelled at me when I would wonder if I should test, she was really mad. I felt that was incredibly unfair. She'd only been trying for a few months, its not like she has fertility issues. I work with a woman who took 4 years and 1 miscarriage to conceive. That is trouble conceiving. I just bottled up my feelings. I didn't say anything. I told her it wasn't like I was a crack whore mom getting knocked up with my 8th kid I never wanted.
Then after she did become pregnant and we'd talk on the phone, I'd say something like, "I wish we were pregnant together." Because our first two we were. I miss sharing that. So one day she tells me she felt like her pregnancy has put a strain on our friendship, that she felt like she couldn't share things with me. That floored me. I didn't know what to say besides "how on earth could you ever think that??" She and I have been best friends for 16 years, she has been a constant in life and she is one of the people I love most in the world. Her saying that really pushed me into a sadness I had been ignoring.
We talked about it briefly and we decided that we just need to make phone dates and talk more. That the lack of talking as much was what was causing the strain.
Then tonight she was talking about her big ultrasound coming up. I couldn't remember if they knew the gender from her previous ultra sound or not. I felt like in the back of my head I remembered, but I opened my stupid mouth and professed I didn't-at which point she yelled at me and told me now she was really mad at me. I do remember now her telling me she went and bought something pink...
I shut down. I just was like, "Dude, I don't remember crap these days." and she said something like I better not, I better be that flighty, and all I wanted to do was hang up the phone and cry.
I guess I could have said something on the phone, I don't know. I just don't have the capacity to deal well with anyone yelling at me anymore. I let shit behind my back slide off (like at work with the psycho drama co-worker boss harassment weirdness) but I can't deal with it up front. I think I spent so much of my energy surviving the affair and the emotions that came with it, that I don't have much left over to control. So I shove them into the basement and hope they'll go away. And they never do. They stay down there and get angrier and darker and more sad.
Am I such a bad friend :( it makes me want to cry... I almost did, I still may. I have so much crap clogging my head, trying to remember so many things, things that don't matter like work crap, I just don't seem to have any room left. I sometimes can't tell the difference between something that happened in a dream and something that happened for real. I'm tired and stressed and I live in a shoebox and I'm fighting depression-situational depression.
And always, one of the things that has terrified me most is the thought of losing her. She has always loved me regardless... maybe that is what I'm afraid of. That she doesn't love me as much.
I am just so sad right now. And the Big Bad is taking advantage of this, starting to whisper old memories in my head... the things I want to forget. Its not plaguing me like in the early days, but I'm afraid they will start to. I'm not sure what to do. I know that clearly I should talk to her, but for some reason I'm just afraid to do so. Perhaps I'm afraid the crap will burst out of the basement and do irreparable harm some how. I'm not sure. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Scratch That
Ok, I feel better. I have my iPod firmly in place, soft tunes lulling me and keeping me sane. I unplugged the TV and now my monkeys are working together to clean the living and bedroom-of their own volition! A 4 year old and 2 year old! Now that warms the heart.
During the times of aloneness... I really need to focus on the blessings around me. I am truly blessed and lucky and omg, my life could have been such a disaster if things had gone differently. Truly disastrous. But my life is good, my husband loves me and I love him and I am so truly blessed.
Thanks to the Monkeys for reminding me I have happiness around me, even in a shoebox.
During the times of aloneness... I really need to focus on the blessings around me. I am truly blessed and lucky and omg, my life could have been such a disaster if things had gone differently. Truly disastrous. But my life is good, my husband loves me and I love him and I am so truly blessed.
Thanks to the Monkeys for reminding me I have happiness around me, even in a shoebox.
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