Music: Soundtrack for your life

I don't know about you, but I know that music can totally mirror my mood or even change it completely. I remember sitting in church when I was an angsty teen and feeling very mood and unhappy. I was dating a psycho at the time so that is probably why.

Anyway, our church decided to sing the Cat Steven's song, Morning Has Broken, and for some reason it just lifted me up and made me happy. Not so sure why, it just did and frankly I didn't care because it was a relief to not feel like crap.

Music can be like that, a friend to help you process, to pep you up or to commiserate in misery with you. After the Big Bad I had Husband listen to the song Fight Test. That song was really helpful to him when he was feeling down, it spoke about what could have happened and reinforced his feeling of strength and masculinity as a protector of our family.

I had my own songs during this time. We actually created Albums to accompany us through the various stages of our journey. Soulkissing was the first album, then Coming Through the Woods, after that came Outside the Blastzone and now we're ready to move into a new album, I'm not certain what it will be called though.

One of my favorite songs from Soulkissing, which was essentially a mix of sappy love songs, is Sugar High. Great song!

So I recommend anyone going through this sort of experience to create your soundtrack, use it to help you through the hard times. Pick things that speak to you about your feelings and give you a sense of hope. It will help.

And now for...

SUGAR HIGH. Get ready to dance!

Fighting Yourself

In the movie, 'Way of a Peaceful Warrior' there is a dramatic scene where the young warrior must learn to 'let go of himself'. The scene unfolds on the top of a clock tower on his college campus. He first thinks that he has to talk someone out of jumping and then realizes that the person is actually himself.

Ok, not really him, but a metaphor for himself. The self that he has known all his life. Dan Milman is a young, selfish, hot tempered, self centered, shallow young man. He learns that he has to let go of this former self.

A fight ensues and the former self tells Dan that he can't exorcise him because he doesn't know who is without the former self. Its true. We don't know who we are, if we really try to get rid of all the old junk that we have carried around for so long. But if your willing to find out, you can learn a whole new wonderful way of living.

I think that my setback is my former self fighting back. John Eldredge would say that the flesh is always there trying to sabotage things. And there is a HUGE distinction here. Most churches say that we are all evil, we are all born of sin, because of Adam. But that's not really true. See, we have sin in us; but our heart, our core, is not what God tells us to get rid of.

Paul says (Romans 7:20) "I am not really the one doing it, the sin within me is doing it". It is the sin within me that is causing this setback. My former self is fighting for control and that's what I need to get rid of. My heart though is good. The Bible tells us to guard our heart. Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." This would not be the case if our heart was evil or full of sin.

Here is a clip from the movie 'Way of a Peaceful Warrior' (the part I mentioned above is 2 minutes and 28 seconds into it. It reminds me of Matthew 10:39 "Whoever finds his life will lose it and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

Setbacks

I guess I'm still not 100% sure about this blog and what it means and what my role is here. I really do feel absolutely compelled to help people.

Shortly after the affair, I was searching for help on the web. I didn't find much at all. An ivillage forum for women, stupid web pages, and then I found this. If you get past her shameless 'buy my book, buy my book, and oh, did I tell you I wrote this book', its actually an ok site. But her book title (I know, I know) is what really struck me: "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Happened to Me".

At first I thought she was a loon. And she's Canadian, and they kinda like loons, so... But now I get it. I understand the title, because that is what happened here. My wife's affair became the best thing that happened to us. I can still say that it was evil, bad, and dark, but God can take ANYTHING and use it for good. And He did, He used it, we listened and followed, and the Big Bad, became the thing that took us closer than I ever thought that two people could be.

So today I had a setback. Weird because I was on such a good run for over two months. I had consistently balled, walled, cried, what have you, up until June. Then I had my epiphany about life and living and since then, fucking great! I mean no weird thoughts, trust issues, wanting to punch the steering wheel on the drive home, or crying and not being able to stop. Nothing like the first 8 months. But today I think I opened the door, just a crack mind you, and let in the wrong stuff.

I have talked before about the 'Brewsters Millions' game we played. I would play the lottery and fantasize about what would I do if I won.

Since our discovery, I have played the lottery a few times without any thoughts or dreaming but this time was different. I actually dreamed, over the course of a week, of 6 numbers. And since I rarely even remember what my dreams are, to remember numbers was weird, so I thought, why not. And I played those numbers. But the whole day I was distracted by EVERYTHING. Life, the Big Bad, stress, money, work and it was like a tape I couldn't shut off.

And all I got was $10 fucking dollars and that was from the second 'easy pic' ticket and not even my numbers. That sucked. So now I have to pull myself out of this setback and get back to living a life of the spirit and stop living life from yesterday or tomorrow.

And I promise myself to not play. Ever again. Ever. I just can't open that door, even a crack.

Driven to Distraction

The weekends alone. The nights alone. That is what where I got into trouble. Well, I was in serious trouble way before that. Obviously. I guess the times alone gave me the opportunity to get distracted by the Other.

But I think we had become distracted way before. Distracted from our marriage and from ourselves.

This world is full of so many distractions that its easy to lose sight of what is going on around you. I'm reminded of the movie Wall-E, the people were driven around in their chairs, TV's and Phones in their face blocking out the world around them. When two of these people suddenly found themselves without their screen they were amazed at the things they hadn't noticed about their world.

Living life like that, you might not notice as your world crumbles around you. Suddenly you find yourself sitting in your underwear amongst the rubble.

I think our society is like that. We put a computer, TV, Movies, book, sports, work and children in front of our face 90% or more of the time. Anything to distract us from reality. I think for a lot of men it is their job and a lot of women, it is their children.

Often both people in a relationship get so lost in the tasks of the day that they lose themselves and each other. I know that, as I lived in my marriage and my relationship, I stopped doing the things I loved. I stopped writing, taking pictures and the theater. How I loved the theater. Those were things that excited me.

When you let the things that excite you get lost, then no wonder how easy it is to get addicted to the excitement you feel in a new and taboo relationship. That sounds disgusting to me... I was not after excitement. I plan to go more into what I got from the Other, but that will be another day.

But I think what is important, especially for women, is to take time for you. Do some things for you, things that you like, that build you up. Paying attention to yourself is so important.

And pay attention to each other. Marriage is hard, staying connected is hard, having a happy healthy marriage takes deliberate action. So go look at your spouse/partner today and really connect with them. And keep on connecting.

LIttle Hurts: Part I

Preface: Mea Culpa

Its weird. I never set out to meet anyone, never in my life would I imagine I'd find myself in such a situation. And because of that I was not guarded, I guess.

I don't want to act like I am making excuses. I really am just trying to dissect all of this, and maybe be helpful to some people who are going through this. Maybe what I saw and went through could be helpful.

The first time I "met" the other... it was like listening myself talk. He seemed to understand a very deep seeded hurt I experienced, understood more than anyone who I'd ever talked to. That is was started it me toward a slippery slope.

Almost immediately I became very...obsessed with him. I just wanted to talk more in depth about it with him. I sort of feel like it was that hurt that made me vulnerable in the first place. And so funny (not funny "ha ha" funny strange) that the hurt was caused by a group of over zealous Christians. They thought they were doing the work of God, and all they did was damage me so spiritually that it took me over 10 years to recover.

Little hurts. Many little hurts built up over time... it begins like that. By the time you understand what is happening, you are too far gone. I think Husband would call these 'arrows' that wound your heart and soul.

The biggest hurt of my life centered around my faith. When we were newly engaged Husband was a part of a Christian group where he was in a position of leadership. I belonged to no such group and, although I had a very deep faith in God, I was private about it.

Just after he'd proposed, Husband and I had one discussion about faith that ended with me crying when he said I couldn't know God because my relationship with Jesus wasn't what "they" thought it should be. These words from his mouth, to say that my prayers and the works I'd seen from God in my life weren't real, hurt terribly.

He never brought up faith again, and so when he was asked by his Christian Leader (aka Bad Man) if I was a Christian, he said no.

No.

No...

So Bad Man told Husband that he must either leave me or convert me, and if he did neither he would lose his position in their meaningless inconsequential little campus ministry. Bastards. Yes, I am still a tad angry. But just a little.

Husband chose to come to me and forceably convert me. He had a chart even. I wept, I cried, it was awful. I couldn't believe that these people were telling me I wasn't good enough for God. And because I didn't have much experience with organized religion, I thougth they were considered to be an authority on the matter. At the end he was like, "Oh, you are a Christian...Hmmmm." and went back and told Bad Man.

It hurt that I wasn't good enough, but it also hurt that Husband couldn't understand why it hurt me so much.

This time in our life has come to be known as November. Because, the entire month I was subject to collapsing spells of grief and sorrow that would often cause me to fall to the ground weeping. In the grass, on the way from the dining hall, in my dorm room, wherever I happen to be.

All this hurt was more painful because Husband couldn't understand why I was so upset. He thought I was being silly. He had no comprehension about why this hurt me so much. Finally I came up with an analogy that hit close enough to one of his insecurities that he finally understood, understood and cried because he felt badly.

But the bigger hurt was that he didn't stand up for me.

For so many many years I put the blame on the Bad Man, he was the leader. But Husband should have stood up for me. At that point in our relationship I hadn't fallen in love with Husband yet (clearly, it took me about 11 years to do that), I was still of the camp that love would come. Had he stood up for me, his shining eyes protecting me, I have no doubt my love would have come shortly after.

But he failed me. When it mattered most, he failed me. And that wound ate at me for nearly 10 years. I couldn't talk about the experience without crying. That experience took God away from me, I didn't have the closeness anymore. I couldn't feel him like I did and it left a huge hole inside me that I didn't even begin to know how to fill.

So when the Other spoke of his darkness and hole left by where God had once been... it struck a chord with me. Finally someone understood what it meant to have something so special and lose it.

Stupid.

I think that hurt caused a huge rift that kept me from ever falling in love with Husband. It was the first time I learned I couldn't trust him, even though he was seemingly doing the right thing in his eyes. Turns out he couldn't trust me either, I guess.

Husband has said that I could write Bad Man a letter telling him the hurt he caused me, he's said that all along. But I want him to do it. I want him to stand up for me, even if it is too late to protect me from that hurt. And I think he will. He's been standing up a lot lately.

Husband is so amazing, the man he has become. The boy who failed me doesn't even exist anymore. And the woman who failed him, she is gone as well. We are both new and very blessed for it.

Mea Culpa

My fault or my own fault. I just want to put this out there because I could spend the first half of almost every post I write, saying Mea Culpa. And rather than do that, I'll just write this one post and then link to it every time I feel like I'm going to say something that might sound like a cop out.

So... it was my fault. Everything was my choice. I was an adult and I did a very awful thing. I never once want to diminish what I did as being a small thing, I never want it to seem like I ever think it was ok or no big deal.

The pain I might feel or have gone through pales in comparison to what Husband must have gone through. I know this. My pain is small to what he felt.

So... Mea Culpa.

...remember this great song?

Life is not hard, just live it.

I was listening to a song on the radio and I was really getting into is. Good lyrics, good music, and a good message about life. She was basically saying that life is hard, keep trying. At first I was into it, buying into the message because life had been so hard during the past year, during my recovery and aftermath from an affair. Then I really thought about it. What a bunch of crap. Life is hard, if your heart is stuck and your living elsewhere. But if you give up all that junk, all the living elsewhere and being happy if.... then life isn't hard.

Life can just be life. Sure things happen. Sure you don't have control over alot of things. But if you can take the time to enjoy life and what it offers you don't have to try any more. Stop trying and just live in the moment. Enjoy what you have and stop thinking about what you don't have.

Honestly, try this for a day; count how many times you actually think about yesterday (the past) or tomorrow (the future) and it will probably amaze you.

I was simply blown away when I started to become aware of how many times in just one day I would be trying to "live" somewhere else. I would think of getting a new, better job, a bigger house, more travel. My vacation that is coming up in a few months. I would "fantasize" about wining the lottery and what I would do with it. I would worry about bills, money, life. My job consumed many of my thoughts as well.

Then there were times when I would play those old tapes in my head, over and over. I would think about the times when I embarrassed myself or did something stupid or something I regretted. It was like I was constantly living somewhere else and I didn't even know it. My heart was so disconnected from my life, because I filled my head with thoughts about every possible thing, except for the moment I was living, the present.

Now that I know this, I find that life is not hard. It's easy. It is freeing to just live and not worry, not focus on junk and just enjoy every thing. Sometimes I just look up and enjoy the clouds, trees, and beautiful wonder that is Gods creation. Sometimes I just enjoy the heart felt love from my gorgeous wife. Other times I just watch my kids and let the story of my life unfold without using the time to worry or fret about stuff that may never even happen.

Do I still have thoughts about the past and future? Of course. But where I once lived my life inside in a cave of misery and wishful thinking I now enjoy the sunlight and open fields of Gods love. It is a whole new world of life.

Try it. I mean it, I challenge you. Just take time to be mindful of your mind. Use a notebook or just take a few minutes at the end of the day and see just how much time you spend looking backwards or forwards in time and let me know what you find. I'll bet you will be surprised.

Tending a Fire

There is something to be said about nature. John Eldredge talks about how society has taught us that a flower is just a flower, boring and normal and everywhere. Instead go buy an iPod, or a cool new mini-cooper car, or a better life.

I get it now. I get that flowers, trees, water, and sunsets are Gods creation that takes us just a little bit closer to our creator, when the world is constantly pulling us in the opposite direction.


This is me. Making a fire. Sometimes you have to put down the remote control and go do something else. So often in life we get wrapped up in the hectic craziness that consumes our daily living that we have to get away from it all to really enjoy life. So go do something with your spouse. Go watch a sunset. Or go for a walk. Go and build your fire.

Graduation Day!

Yesterday, 1 month shy of a year from the first time we met him, our counselor smiled at us and told us he thought it might be time for us to be finished. He smiled his calm sweet smile and Husband and I beamed back at him. Yes, were are ready.

We may have been ready before this, but I was still hanging on to the baggage of hate and self loathing. I knew in my mind that I needed to let it go, but I couldn't force it. Then I had the epiphany that helped release so much of what haunted me. Suddenly the attacks of remembrance and horror stopped. I was free.

I explained this all to him and he commented that I looked more at ease than he's seen me since we began coming a year ago. And he is right. At the moment I feel like I'm floating in a lulling calm that is gently rocking me in my life. Soothing and comfortable and safe. I still have stress in my life, but I have an inner peace that wasn't there before.


Husband smiled, commented on how, even though I had the epiphany, I still find it hard to verbalize the role he played in what happened. And yes, that is true. I don't want to ever act like there was an excuse. I said that I could acknowledge that the stuff made me more susceptible to making the mistakes I did (although I felt like that took away my free will a bit), but I found comfort in it.

Therapist said sometimes you just can't dissect it all. It just is, without explanation. Things happen and we can find peace in whatever manner we find it, even if it doesn't make sense.

Husband and I left our session ready to miss him a bit, but hoping we can meet under different circumstances some day. And I'm sure we will. I cannot say enough about the importance of seeking outside help to guide you through the process. Therapist was key in healing us in those moments after the discovery, and probably more easily explainable, God through Therapist. He always seemed to say the exact thing we needed to hear to help us through the week.

And he talked, he counseled. As someone trained in the field, we're trained to ask leading questions and let people talk things out. He talked, and we listened and I needed him to say all the things he said. His words were like salve on the wounds, and I am so thankful that it was him we saw that day after the discovery.

So please, if anyone needs help, go find a counselor. And keep looking till you find the right one for you and your partner.

Of Men, Not Mice

In the movie 'Golden Compass', a 12 year old girl, Lyra, finds Iorek, a bear (able to talk and walk) and seeks his help. But he is doing menial jobs in the town and in return the townspeople give him booze. She is sadly disappointed because as you look at this creature, he is huge, mean, scary and muscles to boot. She does what any unafraid 12 year old would do. She tells the truth and calls him out on the carpet.

That's what I'm talking about. Us men need a good talking to.

There are two kinds of men out there. The one's who believe that manhood is dead and find it should be more feminine. These men buy into the popular culture that men should be able to cry and should be compassionate but above all else; the best man out there is the 'nice guy'. Yes, women like 'nice guys' and these men go with the flow. They feel that you are the better man if you can turn away from a fight. Even churches have further this agenda by taking, 'turn the other cheek' to every single situation that they come to. Bullshit.

Then there is the other extreme. Lots of men feel that riding a Harley and swearing and chewing tobacco makes them a man. And to prove it they will show a tough exterior that everyone should fear them. These men are just as bad and fake as the first kind. They don't know what compassion, forgiveness, or love are. These are foreign concepts to them, even though God created us all with emotions, they choose to believe it is best not to have them at all and if so then only anger and rage should come out. Macho-ism is just as far from manhood as feminism is.

I was born into the first scenario. Everyone would tell me that I was such a nice guy and I bought it. I believed that was the way to go. Always do the right thing, be the better man, and of course never, ever fight. Put everyone else first, and turn the other cheek, no matter what.

This is not how to live life. This is not how God wants you to life. He put adventure and risk and a good amount of fighting in every single man on earth. He did it for a reason. We are all at war. Now I know what your thinking, that I must be crazy or just a little out of touch with reality. But you've bared with me so far, so here me out.

(As an aside here, please bear with my talk of God. I'm not trying to preach or evangelize. I am only talking about what I know. And I can not talk about the affair, the discovery, and the beautiful journey that has come because of it and not talk about God. Why? Because He was, and is, there every step of the way. Every time I felt pain, misery, or my heart breaking into pieces, I felt Him and his working, healing, and guiding in my life. This is what I know and this is what I can write about.)

If you believe that God exists, then you have to believe that his counter part exists. If you believe that angels are out there, then, my friend, so are demons. Just as I have felt the awesome presence of God in my life, I have felt the devil and the ruin that he has placed on my wife, my life, and my heart.

I know that the Devil is out there and trying his hardest to bring me down. For if I live a crappy, unhappy, disease filled, injured, broken life, then the better for him. With every catastrophe in my life, the devil hopes that I move one step closer to hell. I am not making this up. Read your bible and show me where the devil is some metaphor. Most of you believe that sin is the only evil out there. And you are wrong.

Jesus cast out a horde of demons from a man, do you think that it was just some school kids story? The Devil himself came and tempted Jesus in the desert. He looked at Jesus in the eye and told him to bow down and worship him and he would give the world to him (Matt 4:1-11). Do you think there was a reason that we find that in the Bible? Yes, the reason is that the Devil is real and out there.

As a man, I firmly believe that you are given a good amount of fighting in you, so that you may defend your family. You will need to stand up some day, as I did and say enough is enough. I've had enough of this crap, and the line in the sand is drawn. From now on we will do everything we can to keep the Devil and his horde out of our family.

On September 17, 2007 I had my life taken from me. The life I knew, and came to hold dear to me, was stripped away from me and the devil was the source behind it. On that forsaken day, I experienced what I call 'the perfect storm' that came against me. I found out on my own that something was terribly wrong with my marriage. I came to learn that day three things: 1, that my wife cheated on me with another man, 2, that she was in love with this man and had been for the past 6 months, and 3, that the woman that I loved, in fact, did not love me and never had loved me, period.

As I sit here and say these words to you, I can not tell you or describe to you what that was like. I am sure that I will remember that day as long as I live and the emotions that I had, but even 10 years from now I would not be able to adequately tell them to you with words. So I will not attempt to. The closest that I can is in this poem, here.

But I know now that the devil was behind every single move and day leading to September 17, 2007.

But then two days later, I realized that I had to fight. If I wanted to leave my wife, I could. Part of me even wanted to. I knew that everyone I knew would be ok with that and support me. I knew that I could take my kids and leave her with part custody and that I could make it all work. I would be the better man and everyone would say that she got what she deserved. I could really be the nice guy here.

But as I thought through that scenario, it meant that I would let this other guy win. It meant that I would have to give up and throw in the towel. I would wave the white flag and say you win.

I was not ready for that. I decided after an emergency counseling session, that I was going to fight. I would fight for me wife, her love, and my family. I did not want my kids to grow up in a broken home and I was not going to let this other guy have the woman whom I married.

So, I took my wife, and told her that I loved her and we were going to do this. And in that moment, I tell you that I felt the presence of God himself. As I decided to fight for the right thing and show mercy, compassion, and the yearning to fight the devil, God rewarded me. He gave me back my wife.

She will better describe what we call 'the hilltop miracle' at some other time. I can say that to this day, I feel the fight in me. I choose no longer to be the nice guy. I drew that line in the sand. I called the other guy up and told him that this was my family and he had no right here. I told him in no plain terms that I was willing to defend my family and he had better get out now.

He emailed her afterwords and said that hopefully, someday we could all be friends. The nice guy in me said, mmm maybe. Then the fighter kicked in. I screamed at him. I told him that even if I were to die tomorrow, that he would never have her. Not as a friend, not as a lover, not as anything, ever. I would do everything in this life and in the next to fight for my wife and my family.

That is what I'm talking about. Now go get your gloves on. Were still at war, and still able to pick up the towel and come out swinging.

The Intention of Writing

My purpose for blogging, for writing this stuff down, is not to make excuses or ever get sympathy. It is just to process, dissect and try to understand what happened. And secondly, to perhaps be a help and comfort to those who have gone through a similar experience.

I want to give hope.

Husband, he feels strongly that we can help people over come their experiences. He feels very compelled to share our experience and help couples heal and reconnect. Perhaps to prevent what happened to us.

One of the most reliable statistics on adultery comes from the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago. In 1992 the center sent hundreds of interviewers to gather data on the sexual conduct of Americans in the National Health and Social Life Survey. In a face-to-face survey of 3,432 adults born from 1933 to 1974, researchers asked: ''Have you ever had sex with someone other than your husband or wife while you were married?''

A quarter of the married men in the United States and a sixth of the married women reported having at least one extramarital affair.

My therapist said that adultery is also very common in faith communities as well. Yet nearly everyone says that adultery is wrong, or almost always wrong. That is a lot of conflicted people, sinning and hating themselves.

I'd like to perhaps help people avoid my mistake. And that is why I blog, that is why I write and that is what I hope.

Forgiving the Unforgivable: Forgiving Yourself After Adultery

Below was one of my first posts on my not secret blog... I suppose you may be able to kick me of out hiding, but ... I'm getting sick of hiding and if I keep hiding it means this thing still has some power over me.

I decided to move this post over, because I feel in order for a couple to move past the incident, its important for the transgressors to forgive one another, but even more so, forgive themselves. I know for myself, making a real mistake was unthinkable, to sin was impossible! When I had to face what had happened I didn't know how to deal with it. I think I put a protective bubble around me to keep it from crashing down on me. Sometimes it would threaten to fall on me, the full extent... I'd start to hyperventilate and Husband would grab hold of my face and say, "It will not crush you, I will not let this crush you."

For so much of my marriage I never felt taken care of by him, and here he is, in his most turbulent time, having been betrayed by me, and he is protecting me. But I think his protecting me, and protecting our family helped give him purpose and helped to him to heal.

And now for Crappy Little Gods, written shortly after the New Year. J, if you're reading, this one is for you :)

Crappy Little Gods

Right now I'm going to talk about redemption. I'm not talking about redemption from someone you've committed a wrong against but about forgiveness and redemption of yourself. I don't know about you but I've made mistakes and caused grave damage to people I love. I've done things and made mistakes throughout my whole life and I still beat myself up over them. As stupid as some of them are. Like the stupid tirade I went on during H.S. theater practice because I was angry how the cast was treating someone. I handled it badly and to this day I feel stupid about it. But I was 17!

How common is it for us to hold these stupid little moments inside us and go play with them during moments of sadness and despair? "Come here bad little thought, come dwell in my heart and make me feel stupid, like a failure, ugly, clumsy, what have you". And how many times have you been forgiven by others but not been able to forgive yourself for your own trespasses? I know this is my problem and I think I probably got this from my church of origin. I must be punished punished punished forever. But I've been trying to rethink this thought process. With the help of my Sage and Authors like John Eldridge I'm learning how it is God's greatest desire for us to live our life to the full.

John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full"

Eternal guilt and self-flagellation cannot co-exist with this, and if we truly believe we are forgiven of our sins once we repent, then who are we to not forgive ourselves? My Sage would say that we are being "crappy little gods" because we act as though we should be perfect and make no mistakes; yet that is impossible because of the nature of us. Only God can be perfect.


The awful tapes we play in our head, He would say that those words and thoughts are from "the thief" and are there to keep us from living up to our full potential. If we hold on to our dirt, our self-loathing and hatred, we give those events power over us and cannot move past them. They become what defines us. So it's time for me to clean house and find redemption somehow. This need for constant penance is so deep seeded that I think this will be a very hard process, but it must be done for me to ever be the person I'm meant to be and to live my life to the full.

For help try reading John Eldridge's book Waking the Dead, he gives such a different perspective on things...it's like washing your brain. :)