Lies, and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them

The biggest mistake that I think us victims make is to personalize the betrayal.

"Its my fault! Why did I let this happen? If only... If I would have just..."

Even though by nature (and in large part my chosen profession) I am a problem solver, I quickly became a victim and all the junk that came with it. For months after the affair I had all those thoughts plus some I won't share over and over again, playing like the only country music station in the entire radio dial. "If you don't like this country song, my mind would say, here's another 10 stations all playing the same song just for you."

This lie behind all these thoughts are that your significant other betrayed you because of who you are or something you did. It is a lie. Those are all bold faced lies meant to keep you in a place of anger, hurt, and pain.

The truth is that affairs happen in the entire spectrum of marriage with no regard for money, social status, communication, sex, or a level of "happiness"

With that said you may have played a small part in the betrayal but it still was not your fault. I know that I did.

The analogy I like to use is that my wife got into a car accident. It hurt alot of people and was mostly her and the others fault but I was a contributing factor. I didn't keep the tires on her car properly inflated. I let her drive on really worn brakes. There were also warning signs that she was a wreckless driver that I ignored and a cry for help as well.
But she still chose to get into the car and was at fault for the accident.

Afterwords, I spent WAY too much time blaming myself. Way too much time was wasted trying to accept and place blame. I soon reverted back to my teenage year of being a victim with no control of my life.

That turned out to be the furthest thing from the truth. As the victim, my wife turned to me for guidance along the journey. Our counselor told us that I was the barometer of the relationship. As I healed, Scarlet found it ok to move on the the next phase as well.

If you are stuck in this phase, know that it is just a phase of the aftermath of the affair. But please don't focus on it. When these thoughts come into your head just say 'that's a lie and all lies come from the devil'
Say a prayer "In Jesus Christ's name I command you and this lie to leave. Jesus I invite you to come into my heart where the lie once was and heal me in that place.

Believe me when I say that I did this one a regular basis for a good part of a year and it does work. It is something I still do when I catch the lies sneaking back into my thoughts. The more I ask Jesus to come and truly invite him into my heart the closer I feel to him and the more peace I feel in my life.

Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you."

Matthew 11:29 "... learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls ..."

Which wolf will you feed today?

Here is an Cherokee tale of two wolves:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Its true. See we all have free will. We all get to do whatever we want, think about whatever we want, and make our own little world inside our minds. Sometimes our minds become little prisons that we feel we can't escape.

I'd say for the first 3-4 months after I found about my wife's affair, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I feed myself a plate of misery, hurt, pain, and anger on a daily basis. But then I realized that I had a choice to make.

I was able to picture myself 10 years from now and I saw two Ean's. The first one put on a mask for work, friends, and others, but inside was a wreck. He would turn to other things for any kind of escape. Work, sports, alcohol, movies, books, and probably greed in order to try and drown out the pain from being betrayed.

Or I could not. I could, in fact, choose joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. And that's what I did.

I forgave my wife. And I mean really forgave her. I choose first to forgive. I didn't "feel" like I had forgiven her and I felt, at times, that I shouldn't. There were even times were I had wished I hadn't. But I did. I choose to forgive her and THEN the feeling of forgiveness came to me. I feed the right wolf and keep feeding it and it grew more and the other wolf died.

And let me tell you that other wolf did not go down without a fight. I would have visions of telling my wife off. Telling her all of the things that I wanted to really say. All of the things that were inside my head of how she really hurt me. And when I started those visions, it really seemed like a wolf inside of me growing and taking over. That anger would come and the pain would come and so would the tears.

Don't feed that wolf. When that wolf comes 'round, tell it to go away. The devil will use whatever tricks he can to get you to live a life of anger and hate and focus on the betrayal. But we do have free will. As much as your hurting and full of just 'junk' inside you (believe me I know), you still get to choose which wolf to feed.

I promise you that if you feed the wolf of joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith that your life will get better. I have chosen the path that God laid out for me and have not looked back. That wolf still comes around once in a while and entices me with his old tricks, but he knows that he has no power over me. That 'junk' that once filled every second of every day is still there once in a blue moon but it is like a anthill compared to the rocky mountains that it once was.

Matthew 6:21-23 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness."

A Little Epiphany

Lately I've been having the old yuck thoughts returning to me. The crippling guilt, the worry, the fear that the Other will somehow pop back into my world and turn it upside down. He does know where I live, I seriously can't wait to move just to have that little barrier there.

So I've been struggling and not sure why suddenly this struggle seems harder, why the thoughts are coming more frequently again. After some dissecting these were the things I figured out.

1. We got cable and I have been watching TV more. TV leads to pointless and meaningless distraction. In my defense I have wicked morning sickness all day long, but at night its the worse. And sometimes all I can do is just lay on the couch and moan. I can't help that.

2. I haven't been writing creatively or blogging because of feeling sick and being tired.

I wasn't sure which of these things was the culprit or if I was being stupid and just looking for excuse to explain away my flaw and weakness.

But then on Saturday night I felt pretty decent so I downloaded some tunes and made a play list for the novel I'm working on and really spent some time editing and writing. And I'll tell you what, I felt amazing the whole next day. I realized around 5pm that I hadn't had a single bad thought that whole night.

So my conclusion is, both. The distraction of the mindless television doesn't help my inner thoughts and inner peace or my connection with my husband. And my writing gives me a wonderful creative outlet that allows me to channel a lot of my thoughts and feelings into characters and events.

So what helps you? Do you know? If you don't know what can fight off those yucky demons chasing your thoughts perhaps you should look into doing something expressive and creative. Its a wonderful outlet.

Take it easy and stay strong everyone!

Must see Webinar this Sunday at 8pm EST

We love to help as many people as possible but we also know that there are many more and better sites out there for people. This is one of them. This webinar will pull together many of the leading experts in the field together, most have been through an affair themselves.

Please watch, as it looks to us that this webinar is put on to help people, and not sell anything.

-Ean

Below is the letter from www.affairrecovery.com :

My inbox is full of nothing but pain. Email after email reflects the turmoil and confusion of those who have been betrayed. If you're getting this email, I know you understand what I'm talking about.

More needs to be done. So we're networking with other leaders in the field in hopes of providing what you need. Sunday evening, February 22ndth at 8:00 PM EST, I'll be joining a panel of experts on a teleconference sponsored by the Affair Recovery Center to address issues specifically for betrayed spouses.

Joining me on the call will be:

• Rick Reynolds, founder of The Affair Recovery Center
• Anne Bercht, author of "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me"
• John Haney and Leslie Hardie, authors of Harboring Hope
• Mona Shriver of Hope & Healing Ministries, Inc. and co-author of "Unfaithful"
• Joe Beam, president of Love Path International

If you're interested in getting answers to some of the hard questions, then I hope you'll join our event.

http://www.AffairRecovery.com/ft/arc

But that's not even the best part, over the next three weeks Harboring Hope is giving away multiple resources for those of you who have been betrayed. This is in preparation for the reopening of the Harboring Hope course.

Please take advantage of their free resources. You'll find them to be relevant and practical. Join their Harboring Hope preregistration list to take advantage of their bonus materials. You don't have to buy a thing just take advantage of the gift.

http://www.AffairRecovery.com/ft/arc

You'll be getting a follow-up email asking what questions you'd like to have answered during the teleconference. Give serious thought to what your questions might be and join us for this ground-breaking event.

Best regards,

Rick

P.S. I know you get hit with "offers" every day.
Well, this isn't one of them. There is nothing for sale at this teleseminar.
4131 Spicewood Springs Road, Suite K-1, Austin, TX 78759, USA

Remaking You After the Affair

The first ten years of my marriage my husband was fond of saying that I never "changed" there was never anything I had to work on or fix. I thought I was perfect. That was his perception, however I knew I was far from perfect, but the only thing I could imagine that I needed to work on was my housekeeping ability. They are lacking in a big way.

I don't blame him for being frustrated all those years, I think he felt very nit picked.

He doesn't say that to me anymore however.

After the affair we were both so broken that we had to completely rebuild ourselves. Husband had some massive changes overnight. Things unexplainable that were suddenly different about him. For instance he now tolerated and enjoyed spicy food now, he began writing poetry (this is a guy who'd never written creatively in his life) and intimacy was so completetly different. I'm not going to get into the sex stuff right now, but Husband is planning a post about Sex and Intimacy after the affair in the future.

But what I'm getting at is that very strange things were suddenly different about him, and then there were very large personality changes as well. I think his battling for his life (essentially) suddenly made him an incredibly strong and self respecting man. Something he had never acheived before.

Me, well I felt very much like I had spun a chrysalis around my tainted body and broken spirit and slept. The first few weeks after the discovery it was all I could do to keep my eyes open at night. I was so thoroughly exhausted I could only imagine all the effort I had put into my 10 years of hiding my true feelings and the 6 months of lying had taken a lot more effort than I imagined.

Husband carried me through those months afterwards and kept the reality of what I did from crushing me completly. It seems very odd that he would protect me so much, especially when he was hurting so much. But protection is what I had craved our whole marriage and I think he thought it was now his duty. It gave him something to do during the recovery.

Me, well I used what happened to get in better shape. I was a good deal overweight which led to a lot of self loathing. I wanted to change as much of me as I could. I wanted to be a different person. And that was my first focus, I wanted to have a different body, one that had never been seen by another person outside my husband. I also started writing and reading more and became active with service projects in the community. Things I had always loved but let slide into the background.

And we remade ourselves as a couple. First and foremost we turned off the TV and spent our evenings talking, writing together and reading aloud to each other when we didn't want to process anymore.

And of course all of this made us better parents.

Those first 6-8 months after the affair were the hardest. There was much pain and sadness from Husband and a lot of fear and horror from me. But as time moved by the thoughts come less, the happiness more frequent and we healed.

Twisted Love of Adultry

We have all experienced pain in our lives. Most of us many many years ago and then again very recently with the discovery or the act of betrayal. But those words that were said, those awful things done to us, many times as children or adolescence, has shaped us. We accepted those messages as our own. We actually believed them, they became a part of our twisted view of ourselves, the world, and God. Some of us vowed to never feel that again.

As a child with no dad, I so longed for a father in my life. And I did have many 'dads'; usually abusive men who came in and out of our lives. My siblings always embraced them quickly. I held back, but I soooooo wanted that Father in my life. So I made a vow. I will never abandon my kids, no matter what. As noble as that may seem on the outside - it just set me up. That vow was to cover the pain in my life and it then put so much pressure and such a high status on my marriage that my marriage now became the most important thing in my life.

And you can't do that. Because my wife is not perfect and any and every failure would break my world view and my vow. Some of you had (or have) a broken heart and vowed to never have that happen again. But by doing so, you are (as our counselor would say) taking your heart offline. By guarding your heart, you are just setting yourself up for failure. You will never experience love with a guarded heart. Of course I am talking about your relationship with other people but the same holds true for God.

36"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38This is the first and greatest commandment. (Matthew 22:36-38 NIV)

We were not meant to live a life of shame, embarrassment, ridicule, denial, hatred, anger or any of the other 1000 emotions that come on this journey we are all on. We are meant to life a life of LOVE. Love to God, not just service, not to 'stop sinning' but a life of love, heartfelt love.

Stop and pray right now - pray for love, Gods love to fill you and your life. Pray that you in turn will choose to love God, even in the midst of the worst time of your life. Pray that you will focus on God's love for you when your mind wants to scream at you and tell you to do things that you shouldn't. Pray that you will live in the moment, no longer a slave to the past or worry about what may or may not come in the future. Pray that you will quiet your mind in order to hear God who lives in your heart. And I can tell you from experience that if you can do this, you will feel peace, love, and freedom that you never dreamed of.

800 LB Gorrilla..

Thats what I feel is sitting in the corner staring at me with a little knowing smirk on his face. Its that heaviness that you feel when someone starts talking about adultery. Admonishing someone they know who is carrying on some illicit affair. And all you can do is sit there quietly trying not to be too obvious with your discomfort.

This is sometimes how I feel in the presence of my sisters. Not many people know about the Big Bad, but during the discovery I texted one of my sisters, nearly giving her a heart attack while she was driving.

Apparently they all knew something was going on, but weren't sure what. Anyway, I told her to just tell everyone about it for me...I was still working on an exit strategy, I was pretty sure Husband and I would be over and I would somehow end up being with the Other.

Her response was a big fat no, she wasn't telling anyone and no one needed to know. Then she told me to go see a counselor she knew. The best advice I've ever had and what saved my marriage.

Anyway...during the discovery, Husband broke two very old chairs that had belonged to my mother and at some point I had to explain what happened. So, I told her vaguely, while crying, about what happened. I didn't give details, just a little bit. At this time she was at another sisters house. So, in my head, I count 2 siblings and my mother who I know for sure knows.

But my sisters talk. A lot. And I know things about them they don't think I know because someone else told me. So I'm never quite certain who knows. And thats when the Gorilla sometimes comes.

When the topic comes up about someone having an affair all I can do is try to seem engaged and think of a clever way to change the topic. I can't join in their disgusted admonitions and I can't show my sympathy to the betrayer (of course the betrayed gets the well deserved sympathy).

(Mea Culpa) Since the Big Bad I have such a different perspective on this topic. I belonged to the outraged masses who condemned such awful behavior... but now I have sympathy for the betrayer because I understand the turmoil and self loathing and addiction they feel. Hating and loving everything, feeling things they feel they don't deserve to feel, not even knowing what to pray. During my awful months all I could do was pray that God's will be done. I didn't know what else to pray. Its in my nature to be a peacemaker, Swiss...to stick up for the person that is being raked across the coals. But having been in the drivers seat of Adultery...I just sit silently and listen. I can't bring myself to say anything.

So here I am, over a year later, and sometimes I feel intensely uncomfortable. I expect it sometimes, like when I'll see my Husband's best friend for the first time and wonder if he and his wife are thinking about what I did the whole time. And sometimes it'll come out of the blue like when the sister I did tell talks about her crazy whore ex-boss's numerous trysts... But I know this will eventually go away.

And, in the meantime, since it is the holiday seasons and we can't help be around friends and family that may know...all you can do is hold the thoughts back. Fight them, don't think and wonder, just be. We are all human and we make mistakes. All we can do is to pray for forgiveness and work at forgiving ourselves. As time passes I'm am certain it gets easier. Its already gotten easier for me.

So whats the best way to kill that Gorilla? Perhaps humor? Like when someone who knows talks about a friend's awful affair, you could fake outrage and declare how you could never do such a thing...then laugh.... That may not go over very well, but I bet it would sure make someone aside from you uncomfortable.

Oh well, I have no real answers. Chances are, if they are thinking about what you did while talking about their friend's affair, they are probably feeling just as uncomfortable as you and trying to think of a cleaver yet subtle exit strategy. Like when you call someone crazy while sitting next to your bi-polar co-worker.

Good luck with your Gorilla!

Chicken Fried Thoughts

A friend asked me today how do I deal with the thoughts of my wife and the Other. Hmm.. it had been a while since I have had those thoughts but here's a stab at it.

First I have to say that I thought about it every.single.day for 4 to 6 months. Those first few months I would obsess over all kinds of details. Images that I either read about or that my wife told me about would play like broken tapes over and over. There were days that all I could do was to hold out till the car ride home just to stop from crying all day at work. Then there were nights were I cried all night long. Most of the crying was triggered or all about those thoughts.

But I had a wonderful sage, in our therapist. He definitely helped me through most of the big nagging thoughts that I was having a hard time with. His advice was that most of my issues were in the form of those obsessive thoughts but had a lie under them.

For instance, the fact that my wife and the other had constant contact with each other really bothered me. I knew that they emailed, IMed, texted, and talked many many times all day long. I went back to one month of her cell phone bill and found that she had text messaged him over 550 times in one month. I would obsess over that. I would text my wife and then check my cell phone every minute until she would text back. Of course, immediately I would think of all the contacts that my wife and the other had and want to cry. Then my mind would only go in a downward spiral from there.

'Why doesn't she text me as much as she did to him? Was their relationship stronger/better/bigger than ours? Was he better at communicating than me? Did he do a better job of loving her? Maybe he really was better than me, better at most things and better at loving my wife than I could?

So, I tried at first to just fight those thoughts. I tried very hard not to think about them. In order to distract myself I would think of other things totally unrelated. This is very hard to do 2 months out from D-day (discovery day). And it doesn't work. Believe me when I tell you that I tried. It really only helped me to put off the eventual breakdown of crying, sobbing, and wailing that came when the downward spiral had run its course inside my head.

My sage had the only real technique that really worked. Behind most of these nagging type thoughts, was a lie. And that was always the case with me. If you go back to my inner thoughts above you can almost see the progression that leads to the lie. My insecurity was screaming out 'Am I really a good, lovable, person, better than the other? The lie that my flesh was wresting with was that if I was a 'good' person than the affair would not have happened. But that's not true. I certainly had culpability in the affair, but ultimately it was my wife's choice and not mine. And the amount of text messages that I got or didn't get from my wife after the affair was not an indication of our relationship. (for her the reverse is actually true, as she found herself rid of the obsessive thoughts of her other, she was able to focus on life and work and not being trapped in a sick world lived inside her head)

The other thing that helped me was journaling. In my case I used poetry instead of a true journal, but the same principal applies. I had so many thoughts/feelings/emotions/junk in my head it really did help to take out a notebook and jot some thoughts down. In the first three months after D-day I wrote over 50 poems. Not all good or even made sense, but they all helped in some way to get out a thought or feeling.

In hindsight, I still do have some thoughts. But the 'some' I have is like a trickle of rain for a few moments compared to the day long hurricane that came shortly after the discovery. Since I know that there is a lie behind them all (and have the emotional stability to boot) I can take the time to weed through each one, knowing that just because there is a random thought there, doesn't mean anything at all. I deal with the lie, fry it up in a poem, and move on.

The Storm that Comes: Higher Power's Role Saving your Marriage

We talk a lot about God here, and since we are of the Christian faith we write from that perspective. But I think a lot of what we say can be translated across all faiths, all people, and everyone searching for something more.

I've been thinking a lot about something I heard in church. The story in Matthew (14:22-36) of Peter in the boat with the other apostles. There was a huge storm, they were terrified and thought they were going to die. Then Jesus comes walking across the water. Peter calls to him and Jesus tells him to come to him. Peter steps out onto the water and begins to to go Jesus but as a wind sweeps across him he gets fearful and starts to sink. As he sinks he cries for help and its not till he is sinking that Jesus grabs him and pulls him up, chiding him for his lack of faith.

I see this story in reference to affairs. I think the affair is the storm that rocks your boat and makes you feel like you might die, regardless of your other emotions. And often, as will happen, it is discovered. The discovery is the moments you are sinking into the water, certain that you will be swallowed up by a sea of horrors. But, that is the time to call out for the higher power.

Your marriage is about to drowned and you are at your wits end, fearful and ready to die. Calling out, reaching up for a higher power to pull you and your spouse to safety might just save your marriage. Your higher power gives you a vehicle to unload your baggage and carry you through the emotional twists and turns, hills and valleys that come with the aftermath of an affair. Because you have this vehicle you know you will reach your destination more safely and timely than if you were trying to walk the road alone. And if you have your spouse in the car with you, trying to help you navigate, taking turns at the wheel, it is that much easier.

You have to be on your knees, knowing everything is about to end in order to shed off the old scars and decide to be reborn in your marriage.

If you are sinking right now, reach out for help. Now is the time to act, and if its not through a higher power, then find a professional. Actually we strongly believe that a professional is a great way to have an unbiased, third party, help you and both of you along this journey. Even though we felt God beside us during our journey, our therapist, our sage, was there as well giving us timely advice and help. Because time is precious, those first moments after the discovery, while you're sinking into the darkness, those are the most important moments. That was the moment when I made the right decision and spoke aloud the words that would save my marriage, and I was graciously given that which I requested. You can too. Miracles do happen.

Finding Home

Through all my years of marriage, nothing ever felt like home. And even more, everything always felt temporary. In our first 10 years of marriage we lived in 11 different apartments in 6 different cities in 3 different states. I always thought I was looking for an adventure, that we needed some great cause or some great excitement in our life. But I was very wrong, I can see this now.

I now know that I could never find home anywhere because home is inside of you. The hole in my marriage left me feeling like something was always missing. I just didn't put two and two together and realize it was pointless searching for a home when I wasn't at home in my marriage.

Now that everything is different I feel very much at home, even though I know the apartment I live in is temporary. I am at home here and at home in my marriage because of my new love for my husband. My wanderlust is gone. What a relief.

Healing; Not Forgivness

Its sad for me to see the Christians run around and preach. It really is. Everyone has got it wrong and they continue to push the wrong message to the world. Yes, Jesus offers us forgiveness of sins, but thats not all. Thats not even close. If we only hear that message we are left stuck in a world of hurt, pain, suffering, and our souls left wondering. Wondering for more and when we can't find it we turn to other things for help. Read this quote from Jesus, and tell me what think.

For this people's heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them. (Matt. 13:15)

So where does Jesus talk of forgiveness? Not here. He talks of healing. It is not a metaphor, its not pie in the sky, and its not some reference to heaven. Many christians (in their wanting to rationalize away everything), turn all of Jesus' teachings into a wait for heaven approach to life. "When I get to heaven, it will be all better" Thats not what this passage speaks of. It speaks of healing, here and now.

Jesus' teachings here on earth were about healing. Thats why I get upset when christians run around with thier signs that proclaim 'Jesus Saves' and 'The End is Near'.

Jesus healed the sick, cured the blind, stopped the bleeding, and even gave life to the dead. Thats what Jesus taught. Healing - now.

Explosions

Explosion is the only way I can describe it. It takes you by surprise, comes from no where..without out a warning and suddenly you're just a gooey gross mess.

The last week or so I've been in a funk. And when I'm in a funk I find myself feeling disconnected from Husband. Even though I've gone through these moments before, and have come out of them fine, they still scare me.

Usually they last a little while, maybe a week or two, and when its over I collapse into Husband's arms telling him how much I missed him, wiping away some stray tears.

However last night I totally and completely exploded with emotion. It was after some much needed very deliberate intimacy. I was happy, feeling happy and suddenly I just exploded into a blubbering crying mess. I confessed how scared I was, afraid that my feelings for him would turn out to be a cruel joke and I'd have to go back to pretending. During those moments, I know that is my darkest fear. That somehow I'm tricking myself. But always, the fear will suddenly melt away and I tell Husband how much I missed him. And always the feelings of closeness, connectedness and in-love-edness (which is not a word) returns. And I realize my fears were unfounded.

Through my choking sobs I began laughing at myself for crying so explosively. And as I cackled like a crazy woman, I wept...at.the.same.time. I was able to choke out that I was acting like a crazy lady. I think I was just overwhelmed by everything I'd been feeling for the last few days, and feeling so lonely while Husband was working. I really need to take care of myself during the alone times. Need to find some friends or something, I'm telling you.

I think after a major breakdown the emotions can be somewhat unstable. There are many triggers for feelings our body and senses remember, even if our mind doesn't. For instance, sex was a huge trigger for me. For 11 years Husband and I never made love. Not once. It was always sex, great sex, fucking even. But never slow lingering love-making where you stare into the eyes of the person with such love and longing.

In the moonlight, the night of the Hilltop Discovery, was the first time we'd ever made love. Husband was amazed sex could be something so wonderful and intimate and fullfilling. I always knew it could be that way. I longed for it.

So after the discovery and Hilltop, any time intimacy was something beside slow and loving I totally freaked out and bawled like a baby. It just brought on so many memories of 10 years of emptiness. I couldn't take it.

Wow, probably TMI for many readers out there. But hey, I'm trying to be transparent.

Graduation Day!

Yesterday, 1 month shy of a year from the first time we met him, our counselor smiled at us and told us he thought it might be time for us to be finished. He smiled his calm sweet smile and Husband and I beamed back at him. Yes, were are ready.

We may have been ready before this, but I was still hanging on to the baggage of hate and self loathing. I knew in my mind that I needed to let it go, but I couldn't force it. Then I had the epiphany that helped release so much of what haunted me. Suddenly the attacks of remembrance and horror stopped. I was free.

I explained this all to him and he commented that I looked more at ease than he's seen me since we began coming a year ago. And he is right. At the moment I feel like I'm floating in a lulling calm that is gently rocking me in my life. Soothing and comfortable and safe. I still have stress in my life, but I have an inner peace that wasn't there before.


Husband smiled, commented on how, even though I had the epiphany, I still find it hard to verbalize the role he played in what happened. And yes, that is true. I don't want to ever act like there was an excuse. I said that I could acknowledge that the stuff made me more susceptible to making the mistakes I did (although I felt like that took away my free will a bit), but I found comfort in it.

Therapist said sometimes you just can't dissect it all. It just is, without explanation. Things happen and we can find peace in whatever manner we find it, even if it doesn't make sense.

Husband and I left our session ready to miss him a bit, but hoping we can meet under different circumstances some day. And I'm sure we will. I cannot say enough about the importance of seeking outside help to guide you through the process. Therapist was key in healing us in those moments after the discovery, and probably more easily explainable, God through Therapist. He always seemed to say the exact thing we needed to hear to help us through the week.

And he talked, he counseled. As someone trained in the field, we're trained to ask leading questions and let people talk things out. He talked, and we listened and I needed him to say all the things he said. His words were like salve on the wounds, and I am so thankful that it was him we saw that day after the discovery.

So please, if anyone needs help, go find a counselor. And keep looking till you find the right one for you and your partner.

Of Men, Not Mice

In the movie 'Golden Compass', a 12 year old girl, Lyra, finds Iorek, a bear (able to talk and walk) and seeks his help. But he is doing menial jobs in the town and in return the townspeople give him booze. She is sadly disappointed because as you look at this creature, he is huge, mean, scary and muscles to boot. She does what any unafraid 12 year old would do. She tells the truth and calls him out on the carpet.

That's what I'm talking about. Us men need a good talking to.

There are two kinds of men out there. The one's who believe that manhood is dead and find it should be more feminine. These men buy into the popular culture that men should be able to cry and should be compassionate but above all else; the best man out there is the 'nice guy'. Yes, women like 'nice guys' and these men go with the flow. They feel that you are the better man if you can turn away from a fight. Even churches have further this agenda by taking, 'turn the other cheek' to every single situation that they come to. Bullshit.

Then there is the other extreme. Lots of men feel that riding a Harley and swearing and chewing tobacco makes them a man. And to prove it they will show a tough exterior that everyone should fear them. These men are just as bad and fake as the first kind. They don't know what compassion, forgiveness, or love are. These are foreign concepts to them, even though God created us all with emotions, they choose to believe it is best not to have them at all and if so then only anger and rage should come out. Macho-ism is just as far from manhood as feminism is.

I was born into the first scenario. Everyone would tell me that I was such a nice guy and I bought it. I believed that was the way to go. Always do the right thing, be the better man, and of course never, ever fight. Put everyone else first, and turn the other cheek, no matter what.

This is not how to live life. This is not how God wants you to life. He put adventure and risk and a good amount of fighting in every single man on earth. He did it for a reason. We are all at war. Now I know what your thinking, that I must be crazy or just a little out of touch with reality. But you've bared with me so far, so here me out.

(As an aside here, please bear with my talk of God. I'm not trying to preach or evangelize. I am only talking about what I know. And I can not talk about the affair, the discovery, and the beautiful journey that has come because of it and not talk about God. Why? Because He was, and is, there every step of the way. Every time I felt pain, misery, or my heart breaking into pieces, I felt Him and his working, healing, and guiding in my life. This is what I know and this is what I can write about.)

If you believe that God exists, then you have to believe that his counter part exists. If you believe that angels are out there, then, my friend, so are demons. Just as I have felt the awesome presence of God in my life, I have felt the devil and the ruin that he has placed on my wife, my life, and my heart.

I know that the Devil is out there and trying his hardest to bring me down. For if I live a crappy, unhappy, disease filled, injured, broken life, then the better for him. With every catastrophe in my life, the devil hopes that I move one step closer to hell. I am not making this up. Read your bible and show me where the devil is some metaphor. Most of you believe that sin is the only evil out there. And you are wrong.

Jesus cast out a horde of demons from a man, do you think that it was just some school kids story? The Devil himself came and tempted Jesus in the desert. He looked at Jesus in the eye and told him to bow down and worship him and he would give the world to him (Matt 4:1-11). Do you think there was a reason that we find that in the Bible? Yes, the reason is that the Devil is real and out there.

As a man, I firmly believe that you are given a good amount of fighting in you, so that you may defend your family. You will need to stand up some day, as I did and say enough is enough. I've had enough of this crap, and the line in the sand is drawn. From now on we will do everything we can to keep the Devil and his horde out of our family.

On September 17, 2007 I had my life taken from me. The life I knew, and came to hold dear to me, was stripped away from me and the devil was the source behind it. On that forsaken day, I experienced what I call 'the perfect storm' that came against me. I found out on my own that something was terribly wrong with my marriage. I came to learn that day three things: 1, that my wife cheated on me with another man, 2, that she was in love with this man and had been for the past 6 months, and 3, that the woman that I loved, in fact, did not love me and never had loved me, period.

As I sit here and say these words to you, I can not tell you or describe to you what that was like. I am sure that I will remember that day as long as I live and the emotions that I had, but even 10 years from now I would not be able to adequately tell them to you with words. So I will not attempt to. The closest that I can is in this poem, here.

But I know now that the devil was behind every single move and day leading to September 17, 2007.

But then two days later, I realized that I had to fight. If I wanted to leave my wife, I could. Part of me even wanted to. I knew that everyone I knew would be ok with that and support me. I knew that I could take my kids and leave her with part custody and that I could make it all work. I would be the better man and everyone would say that she got what she deserved. I could really be the nice guy here.

But as I thought through that scenario, it meant that I would let this other guy win. It meant that I would have to give up and throw in the towel. I would wave the white flag and say you win.

I was not ready for that. I decided after an emergency counseling session, that I was going to fight. I would fight for me wife, her love, and my family. I did not want my kids to grow up in a broken home and I was not going to let this other guy have the woman whom I married.

So, I took my wife, and told her that I loved her and we were going to do this. And in that moment, I tell you that I felt the presence of God himself. As I decided to fight for the right thing and show mercy, compassion, and the yearning to fight the devil, God rewarded me. He gave me back my wife.

She will better describe what we call 'the hilltop miracle' at some other time. I can say that to this day, I feel the fight in me. I choose no longer to be the nice guy. I drew that line in the sand. I called the other guy up and told him that this was my family and he had no right here. I told him in no plain terms that I was willing to defend my family and he had better get out now.

He emailed her afterwords and said that hopefully, someday we could all be friends. The nice guy in me said, mmm maybe. Then the fighter kicked in. I screamed at him. I told him that even if I were to die tomorrow, that he would never have her. Not as a friend, not as a lover, not as anything, ever. I would do everything in this life and in the next to fight for my wife and my family.

That is what I'm talking about. Now go get your gloves on. Were still at war, and still able to pick up the towel and come out swinging.

Forgiving the Unforgivable: Forgiving Yourself After Adultery

Below was one of my first posts on my not secret blog... I suppose you may be able to kick me of out hiding, but ... I'm getting sick of hiding and if I keep hiding it means this thing still has some power over me.

I decided to move this post over, because I feel in order for a couple to move past the incident, its important for the transgressors to forgive one another, but even more so, forgive themselves. I know for myself, making a real mistake was unthinkable, to sin was impossible! When I had to face what had happened I didn't know how to deal with it. I think I put a protective bubble around me to keep it from crashing down on me. Sometimes it would threaten to fall on me, the full extent... I'd start to hyperventilate and Husband would grab hold of my face and say, "It will not crush you, I will not let this crush you."

For so much of my marriage I never felt taken care of by him, and here he is, in his most turbulent time, having been betrayed by me, and he is protecting me. But I think his protecting me, and protecting our family helped give him purpose and helped to him to heal.

And now for Crappy Little Gods, written shortly after the New Year. J, if you're reading, this one is for you :)

Crappy Little Gods

Right now I'm going to talk about redemption. I'm not talking about redemption from someone you've committed a wrong against but about forgiveness and redemption of yourself. I don't know about you but I've made mistakes and caused grave damage to people I love. I've done things and made mistakes throughout my whole life and I still beat myself up over them. As stupid as some of them are. Like the stupid tirade I went on during H.S. theater practice because I was angry how the cast was treating someone. I handled it badly and to this day I feel stupid about it. But I was 17!

How common is it for us to hold these stupid little moments inside us and go play with them during moments of sadness and despair? "Come here bad little thought, come dwell in my heart and make me feel stupid, like a failure, ugly, clumsy, what have you". And how many times have you been forgiven by others but not been able to forgive yourself for your own trespasses? I know this is my problem and I think I probably got this from my church of origin. I must be punished punished punished forever. But I've been trying to rethink this thought process. With the help of my Sage and Authors like John Eldridge I'm learning how it is God's greatest desire for us to live our life to the full.

John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full"

Eternal guilt and self-flagellation cannot co-exist with this, and if we truly believe we are forgiven of our sins once we repent, then who are we to not forgive ourselves? My Sage would say that we are being "crappy little gods" because we act as though we should be perfect and make no mistakes; yet that is impossible because of the nature of us. Only God can be perfect.


The awful tapes we play in our head, He would say that those words and thoughts are from "the thief" and are there to keep us from living up to our full potential. If we hold on to our dirt, our self-loathing and hatred, we give those events power over us and cannot move past them. They become what defines us. So it's time for me to clean house and find redemption somehow. This need for constant penance is so deep seeded that I think this will be a very hard process, but it must be done for me to ever be the person I'm meant to be and to live my life to the full.

For help try reading John Eldridge's book Waking the Dead, he gives such a different perspective on things...it's like washing your brain. :)