Lies, and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them

The biggest mistake that I think us victims make is to personalize the betrayal.

"Its my fault! Why did I let this happen? If only... If I would have just..."

Even though by nature (and in large part my chosen profession) I am a problem solver, I quickly became a victim and all the junk that came with it. For months after the affair I had all those thoughts plus some I won't share over and over again, playing like the only country music station in the entire radio dial. "If you don't like this country song, my mind would say, here's another 10 stations all playing the same song just for you."

This lie behind all these thoughts are that your significant other betrayed you because of who you are or something you did. It is a lie. Those are all bold faced lies meant to keep you in a place of anger, hurt, and pain.

The truth is that affairs happen in the entire spectrum of marriage with no regard for money, social status, communication, sex, or a level of "happiness"

With that said you may have played a small part in the betrayal but it still was not your fault. I know that I did.

The analogy I like to use is that my wife got into a car accident. It hurt alot of people and was mostly her and the others fault but I was a contributing factor. I didn't keep the tires on her car properly inflated. I let her drive on really worn brakes. There were also warning signs that she was a wreckless driver that I ignored and a cry for help as well.
But she still chose to get into the car and was at fault for the accident.

Afterwords, I spent WAY too much time blaming myself. Way too much time was wasted trying to accept and place blame. I soon reverted back to my teenage year of being a victim with no control of my life.

That turned out to be the furthest thing from the truth. As the victim, my wife turned to me for guidance along the journey. Our counselor told us that I was the barometer of the relationship. As I healed, Scarlet found it ok to move on the the next phase as well.

If you are stuck in this phase, know that it is just a phase of the aftermath of the affair. But please don't focus on it. When these thoughts come into your head just say 'that's a lie and all lies come from the devil'
Say a prayer "In Jesus Christ's name I command you and this lie to leave. Jesus I invite you to come into my heart where the lie once was and heal me in that place.

Believe me when I say that I did this one a regular basis for a good part of a year and it does work. It is something I still do when I catch the lies sneaking back into my thoughts. The more I ask Jesus to come and truly invite him into my heart the closer I feel to him and the more peace I feel in my life.

Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you."

Matthew 11:29 "... learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls ..."

Which wolf will you feed today?

Here is an Cherokee tale of two wolves:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Its true. See we all have free will. We all get to do whatever we want, think about whatever we want, and make our own little world inside our minds. Sometimes our minds become little prisons that we feel we can't escape.

I'd say for the first 3-4 months after I found about my wife's affair, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I feed myself a plate of misery, hurt, pain, and anger on a daily basis. But then I realized that I had a choice to make.

I was able to picture myself 10 years from now and I saw two Ean's. The first one put on a mask for work, friends, and others, but inside was a wreck. He would turn to other things for any kind of escape. Work, sports, alcohol, movies, books, and probably greed in order to try and drown out the pain from being betrayed.

Or I could not. I could, in fact, choose joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. And that's what I did.

I forgave my wife. And I mean really forgave her. I choose first to forgive. I didn't "feel" like I had forgiven her and I felt, at times, that I shouldn't. There were even times were I had wished I hadn't. But I did. I choose to forgive her and THEN the feeling of forgiveness came to me. I feed the right wolf and keep feeding it and it grew more and the other wolf died.

And let me tell you that other wolf did not go down without a fight. I would have visions of telling my wife off. Telling her all of the things that I wanted to really say. All of the things that were inside my head of how she really hurt me. And when I started those visions, it really seemed like a wolf inside of me growing and taking over. That anger would come and the pain would come and so would the tears.

Don't feed that wolf. When that wolf comes 'round, tell it to go away. The devil will use whatever tricks he can to get you to live a life of anger and hate and focus on the betrayal. But we do have free will. As much as your hurting and full of just 'junk' inside you (believe me I know), you still get to choose which wolf to feed.

I promise you that if you feed the wolf of joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith that your life will get better. I have chosen the path that God laid out for me and have not looked back. That wolf still comes around once in a while and entices me with his old tricks, but he knows that he has no power over me. That 'junk' that once filled every second of every day is still there once in a blue moon but it is like a anthill compared to the rocky mountains that it once was.

Matthew 6:21-23 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness."

Twisted Love of Adultry

We have all experienced pain in our lives. Most of us many many years ago and then again very recently with the discovery or the act of betrayal. But those words that were said, those awful things done to us, many times as children or adolescence, has shaped us. We accepted those messages as our own. We actually believed them, they became a part of our twisted view of ourselves, the world, and God. Some of us vowed to never feel that again.

As a child with no dad, I so longed for a father in my life. And I did have many 'dads'; usually abusive men who came in and out of our lives. My siblings always embraced them quickly. I held back, but I soooooo wanted that Father in my life. So I made a vow. I will never abandon my kids, no matter what. As noble as that may seem on the outside - it just set me up. That vow was to cover the pain in my life and it then put so much pressure and such a high status on my marriage that my marriage now became the most important thing in my life.

And you can't do that. Because my wife is not perfect and any and every failure would break my world view and my vow. Some of you had (or have) a broken heart and vowed to never have that happen again. But by doing so, you are (as our counselor would say) taking your heart offline. By guarding your heart, you are just setting yourself up for failure. You will never experience love with a guarded heart. Of course I am talking about your relationship with other people but the same holds true for God.

36"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38This is the first and greatest commandment. (Matthew 22:36-38 NIV)

We were not meant to live a life of shame, embarrassment, ridicule, denial, hatred, anger or any of the other 1000 emotions that come on this journey we are all on. We are meant to life a life of LOVE. Love to God, not just service, not to 'stop sinning' but a life of love, heartfelt love.

Stop and pray right now - pray for love, Gods love to fill you and your life. Pray that you in turn will choose to love God, even in the midst of the worst time of your life. Pray that you will focus on God's love for you when your mind wants to scream at you and tell you to do things that you shouldn't. Pray that you will live in the moment, no longer a slave to the past or worry about what may or may not come in the future. Pray that you will quiet your mind in order to hear God who lives in your heart. And I can tell you from experience that if you can do this, you will feel peace, love, and freedom that you never dreamed of.

Fight, We must Fight!

I hate the modern day notion of God. That God is some weak uncaring being who wants people to go to church and 'turn the other cheek.' Bullshit. Did Jesus turn the other cheek when the Pharasies tried to trap him into saying things that went against certain laws in the Torah? NO! He stood his ground and (verbally) fought them. He would not let them do whatever they want and become a holy mat to be walked on.

John Eldredge, in Way of the Wild Heart, calls the Exodus story one of the saddest in the entire Bible. Lets take a look:

But you were unwilling to go up; you rebelled against the command of the Lord your God. You grumbled in your tents and said, "The Lord hates us; so he brought us out of Egypt to deliver us into the hands of the Amorites to destroy us. Where can we go? Our brothers have made us lose heart. They say, 'The people are stronger and taller than we are; the cities are large, with walls up to the sky. We even saw the Anakites there.'" Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you [Notice that God does not say comfort, or guide, or help, you; rather God WILL FIGHT FOR YOU!]

as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." In spite of this, you did not trust in the Lord your God . . . Then you replied, "We have sinned against the Lord. We will go up and fight, as the Lord our God commanded us." (Deut. 1:26–41 NIV)

Forty years of wondering the wilderness is a great analogy to our lives. God had delivered his people from Egypt in the most dramatic way possible. He opened up a river to let his people escape then crashed down a wall of water on their enemies. But as triumphant of a victory that was, everyone lost heart when they saw what they were up against next. They would not fight for the promised land and they told themselves it was too much. Doesn't this sound familiar "they are stronger and taller than we" We look at our obstacles and we give up. Then look what happened next :"Israel was thereupon sentenced to wander forty years in the wilderness" (Nu. 14:34).

This is life. If you are unwilling to fight, then you will wonder the wilderness, having lost all heart, unable to find your promised land. God did not create a people to just turn the other cheek or as our society has taught us 'be the bigger person' and not do something drastic. And God is not going to just give you happiness and a life of peace and harmony on a silver platter, you are going to have to fight for it.

God gave us a spirit AND an enemy to fight. So go fight. Fight for what is right. Fight for your spouse your family. Why would you have found love and marriage in your spouse if you were not meant to be together? Why would you be blessed with marriage and only to throw it all away?

The devil is out there to ruin lives. I know for a fact that he tried to ruin mine. He thought that if my wife cheated on me that I would just leave and 'be the bigger person'. I knew that everyone would be fine with me leaving her. Even the Bible says its ok to divorce if your spouse is unfaithful.

But deep down I heard the call. I heard the cry to fight for her, for my family, and yes for myself. For if I had given up that day, I would be in a world of chaos, depression, and regret for most of my life.

If you are going through a betrayal, and very soon after the discovery, I know the things flying around in your head. There are some very very dark thoughts there. Thoughts of suicide, murder, revenge, and hate. Then there are thoughts of doing the right thing. As I was thinking about it, I could feel a wellspring of hope inside me. On that car ride home, while mulling over the decision, I turned to her and she saw that hope in me. She smiled, a deep but unsure of smile and I just turned back to driving, myself not sure what to do. I am so glad that I fought that day. It really has made all the difference in the world for me. I

I say use Joan of Arc's words "In God's name we must fight them!" --Joan of Arc

In Your Mind

In your mind. In your mind. So much of this battle that we are all on now lies inside your head. That space right between your ears is where most of the problem lies. That much I have learned from this journey.

See, the enemy wants you to linger on the details, hurt, pain, and junk that comes with a betrayal. But that is not what will help you or what God wants. Live in the moment, not in the past.

Lots of people call you every single day wanting you to sign up for long distance or buy a vacation package or donate money to the big police ball, but you don't talk to all of them, do you? Of course not. If you gave every telemarketer who called your house every minute that they wanted to talk to you, you would never get anything done. So you screen calls, you put yourself on the do-not-call list, you tell people very quickly that you don't have the time or money, and you hang up on them.

So, if you do that with your phone, then why not those dumb thoughts that come to you? Huh? Do it. Start screening your mind and when 'those' thoughts come to you, HANG UP! Take control and hang up. Think of something else. Anything else. Focus on the good or your breath. My new technique that I am using right now is just to focus on breathing. At work I can get very distracted. But I have a lot of time where I do somewhat meaningless tasks and I can just zone out. So yesterday I started to just focus on breathing. And it kinda works. I get more relaxed and in a better mood. So give it a try, but most important is to screen out things that want in, that you shouldn't let in.

Try this on for size:
In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

Living at the bottom of the stairs in your life
Never a smile knocking on your door
The air is blue and so are you
Prehistoric monsters on the floor

Last verse of your last song
And God don't hear dead men
The end of the line is in your mind
And you'll be staying in

In your mind, in your mind
Bone for bone and skin for skin
Eye for eye and tooth for tooth
Heart for heart and soul for soul
Somebody said what is true

Lock it up and close it down
The sound of morning like a dove
High beyond the rattle and roar
Look into the face of love

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

In your mind, in your mind
Sunday words are back again
And you'll eat your fun of the middleman's pie
But just a piece you understand
You'll get the rest up in the sky

Praise and glory, wounded angel
Shuffling round the room
Eternity is down the hall
And you sit there bending spoons
In your mind, in your mind
Father, son and holy ghost
Sacrificial drops the pain
On a silver planet cross
Sanctification on a chain

They say redemption draws knives
Storms of silence from above
Stop your ears close your eyes
Try to find the face of love

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

If you like it here is a you tube version of the song:

In your mind. In your mind. So much of this battle that we are all on now lies inside your head. That space right between your ears is where most of the problem lies. That much I have learned from this journey.

See, the enemy wants you to linger on the details, hurt, pain, and junk that comes with a betrayal. But that is not what will help you. Yes, you do need to deal with the stuff, but most of the time those thoughts come and you just need to not think about it. You can't spend the next few years reliving the past. Live in the moment, find joy and blessing and God in the here and now.

See, lots of people call you on the phone every single day wanting you to sign up for long distance or buy a vacation package or donate money to the big police ball, but you don't talk to all of them, do you? Of course not. If you gave every telemarketer who called your house every minute that they wanted to talk to you, you would never get anything done. So you screen calls, you put yourself on the do-not-call list, you tell people very quickly that you don't have the time or money, and you hang up on them.

So, if you do that with your phone, then why not those dumb thoughts that come to you? Huh? Do it. Start screening your mind and when 'those' thoughts come to you, HANG UP! Take control and hang up. Think of something else. Anything else. Focus on the good or your breathe.

My new technique that I am using right now is just to focus on breathing. At work I can get very distracted. But I have alot of time where I do somewhat meaningless tasks and I can just zone out. So yesterday I started to just focus on breathing. And so far it kinda works. I get more relaxed and in a better mood. Its easy too; deep breath in and out. So give it a try, but most important is to screen out things that want in, that you shouldn't let in.

I found this last week and I think it fits perfectly:

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

Living at the bottom of the stairs in your life
Never a smile knocking on your door
The air is blue and so are you
Prehistoric monsters on the floor

Last verse of your last song
And God don't hear dead men
The end of the line is in your mind
And you'll be staying in

In your mind, in your mind
Bone for bone and skin for skin
Eye for eye and tooth for tooth
Heart for heart and soul for soul
Somebody said what is true

Lock it up and close it down
The sound of morning like a dove
High beyond the rattle and roar
Look into the face of love

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

In your mind, in your mind
Sunday words are back again
And you'll eat your fun of the middleman's pie
But just a piece you understand
You'll get the rest up in the sky

Praise and glory, wounded angel
Shuffling round the room
Eternity is down the hall
And you sit there bending spoons
In your mind, in your mind
Father, son and holy ghost
Sacrificial drops the pain
On a silver planet cross
Sanctification on a chain

They say redemption draws knives
Storms of silence from above
Stop your ears close your eyes
Try to find the face of love

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

If you like it here is a you tube version of the song:

"You Can't Handle the Truth"

I love the passion behind Jack Nickelson when you admonishes the young officer examining him on the witness stand. But I disagree.

After an affair there is the issue of questions and answers. The betrayed spouse has a ton of questions and the other spouse has all the answers. I can see both sides of this one now but I want to give my opinion on it.

The spouse whom had the affair (referred to after as the betrayer) doesn't like or want to answer hours and hours of seemingly endless questions. Questions that bring every little insignificant detail to light. Questions that don't matter, especially if the couple is focused on healing and moving forward. The betrayer feels that this leads to needless hurt, pain, and focusing on the past rather than the future. And to some extent they are correct.

But I know my feelings as the betrayed spouse and offer you this insight.

The affair is like a giant jigsaw puzzle. One of those ten thousand pieces with scenes within scenes. For example, a World War 2 puzzle might have lots of scenes on it. In one spot is the battle of the bulge, in another the invasion of Normandy, the bombing of London, Rosa the Riveter, the Holocaust, and raising the flag at Iwo Jima.

As the betrayed one of the things that you have to deal with is that the world you thought you knew, one of your spouse loving you and being faithful, is suddenly distorted. Part of the healing process is trying to make sense of the world and everything that happened.The betrayed spouse now has all the pieces of the 10,000 piece puzzle of the affair and the betrayed spouse has like 150 of those pieces.

We are trying to make sense of everything and we just can't without being able to see the big picture. Part of that is at least filling in some of those holes. We know that having all 10,000 pieces isn't going to help, but at the same time having only a small part of the puzzle leaves our mind to wonder what was in the empty space.

So at the beginning I knew that my wife cheated on me, that she spent a weekend together in a rented house, and that they sent each other tons of texts, emails, yadda yadda yadda. But then I needed to know more. Like what was the weekend like? What did you do? Did you go out to eat? Did you do anything in public? Did you kiss? Did you drive anywhere? It was really my way of putting the puzzle together.

See without all these seemingly insignificant details, the puzzle doesn't make sense. If I told you about World War 2 but only spoke the invasion of Normandy, you couldn't understand the war as a whole. There is no way anyone can understand WW II if you don't talk about the Holocaust. If you don't see at least some pictures of shoes, piles and piles of shoes, or people being herded into trains then you can not truly fathom the depth or the meaning of the Holocaust and therefore WW II.

The same holds true in an affair. You can't know every single detail of every minute, but having some or most of the details gives you a much better idea of the bigger picture. It also helps to put what little sense of the now changed world, back together again.

The other thing about the information is that it does create an unbalance of power. Since only one person has the power that is the information about the betrayal, the other one has nothing. Sharing the information (willingly and HONESTLY) does help to restore that balance.

So yes, Jack, maybe I can't handle the truth, maybe I'll even cry during the telling of the truth, but I need it to make sense of the world.

Why Try to Save Your Marriage?

This is where I was Sept 18th 2007. The perfect storm had come upon me.
I found out that my wife of 10 years and two children:
1.) had cheated on me, spending an entire weekend with another man
2.) she was in love with the 'other' and
3.) didn't love me and in fact had never loved me (in THAT way).

I had NO idea what to do. My world was swirling around me and one minute I hated her and the next wanted her back. I remember a very vivid dream that first night of the discovery. I dreamt that we were dancing in circles; beautiful music was filling the air. Then I woke. I slowly came about to the realization of what happened the day before and I started sobbing and weeping in the middle of the night.

I had to decide something. I had no idea what to do. So the first thing I did was to not make any decision for 30 days. I even gave my wife my wedding ring. My thought was that the time could be used to make the best possible decision for everyone.

Then I decided to go with my wife to a counselor. And after that meeting, I told my wife that I was choosing her. I told her that I was going to try it for real. And that trying, that standing up and making the right decision changed my life.

If I had decided to do everything I "felt" like doing, I would be in jail right now, having gone through my very vivid feelings of wanting to shoot the 'other'. Had it all planned out actually, in my head. Of course I had feelings of hatred, but I choose to go with my feelings of love instead, and that had made all the difference. The right choice is not always easy.

I am sure that there are some marriages beyond saving, but as human beings we have the ability to change and be renewed by life and our experiences.

So why not use this to get back what you had? Better yet, why not start a new relationship based on truth and not holding anything back.

Affairs are so exciting and filled with love, because you are able to give yourself (and your heart) to the 'other' person. I saw that happen with my wife and then through the affair I saw her finally give her heart to me. I saw her, for the very first time ever, give herself to me and I fell in love with her and her giving of her heart.

So give yourself fully to your spouse. Give your heart away, even though society tells us to guard it. We have all been hurt by people in our lives but don't let those get in the way of love and the freeing love that can only be found in a free heart.

So, I know that every situation is not the same, but I know from experience that if you can pull through this, your marriage will be the best thing in the world.

Chicken Fried Thoughts

A friend asked me today how do I deal with the thoughts of my wife and the Other. Hmm.. it had been a while since I have had those thoughts but here's a stab at it.

First I have to say that I thought about it every.single.day for 4 to 6 months. Those first few months I would obsess over all kinds of details. Images that I either read about or that my wife told me about would play like broken tapes over and over. There were days that all I could do was to hold out till the car ride home just to stop from crying all day at work. Then there were nights were I cried all night long. Most of the crying was triggered or all about those thoughts.

But I had a wonderful sage, in our therapist. He definitely helped me through most of the big nagging thoughts that I was having a hard time with. His advice was that most of my issues were in the form of those obsessive thoughts but had a lie under them.

For instance, the fact that my wife and the other had constant contact with each other really bothered me. I knew that they emailed, IMed, texted, and talked many many times all day long. I went back to one month of her cell phone bill and found that she had text messaged him over 550 times in one month. I would obsess over that. I would text my wife and then check my cell phone every minute until she would text back. Of course, immediately I would think of all the contacts that my wife and the other had and want to cry. Then my mind would only go in a downward spiral from there.

'Why doesn't she text me as much as she did to him? Was their relationship stronger/better/bigger than ours? Was he better at communicating than me? Did he do a better job of loving her? Maybe he really was better than me, better at most things and better at loving my wife than I could?

So, I tried at first to just fight those thoughts. I tried very hard not to think about them. In order to distract myself I would think of other things totally unrelated. This is very hard to do 2 months out from D-day (discovery day). And it doesn't work. Believe me when I tell you that I tried. It really only helped me to put off the eventual breakdown of crying, sobbing, and wailing that came when the downward spiral had run its course inside my head.

My sage had the only real technique that really worked. Behind most of these nagging type thoughts, was a lie. And that was always the case with me. If you go back to my inner thoughts above you can almost see the progression that leads to the lie. My insecurity was screaming out 'Am I really a good, lovable, person, better than the other? The lie that my flesh was wresting with was that if I was a 'good' person than the affair would not have happened. But that's not true. I certainly had culpability in the affair, but ultimately it was my wife's choice and not mine. And the amount of text messages that I got or didn't get from my wife after the affair was not an indication of our relationship. (for her the reverse is actually true, as she found herself rid of the obsessive thoughts of her other, she was able to focus on life and work and not being trapped in a sick world lived inside her head)

The other thing that helped me was journaling. In my case I used poetry instead of a true journal, but the same principal applies. I had so many thoughts/feelings/emotions/junk in my head it really did help to take out a notebook and jot some thoughts down. In the first three months after D-day I wrote over 50 poems. Not all good or even made sense, but they all helped in some way to get out a thought or feeling.

In hindsight, I still do have some thoughts. But the 'some' I have is like a trickle of rain for a few moments compared to the day long hurricane that came shortly after the discovery. Since I know that there is a lie behind them all (and have the emotional stability to boot) I can take the time to weed through each one, knowing that just because there is a random thought there, doesn't mean anything at all. I deal with the lie, fry it up in a poem, and move on.

Kings and Queens in Exile

So often, especially after a tragedy in our life, we cry out "why, why me God" These feelings, especially after a betrayal by your loved one, strikes us to the core.

For those still stuck, it may seem quite the opposite. Thoughts may be
'why am I stuck here and not with the Other?'
'why did I not meet the Other, until too late in life?'

It strikes us in our heart, because this is not the way life is supposed to be. Life is supposed to be better and our heart and souls know this to be true.

The 17th century philosopher, Pascal, writes:

Man is so great that his greatness appears even in knowing himself to be miserable. A tree has no sense of its misery. It is true that to know we are miserable is to be miserable; but to know we are miserable is also to be great. Thus all the miseries of man prove his grandeur; they are the miseries of a dignified personage, the miseries of a dethroned monarch…What can this incessant craving, and this impotence of attainment mean, unless there was once a happiness belonging to man, of which only the faintest traces remain, in that void which he attempts to fill with everything within his reach?

The void that is there, the misery that we feel so often in this life should not be something to dwell on. No, it should push us onward, knowing full well that the life we seek is so much more than what we have in hand. The life we seek is of a King or Queen. It is to return to the time in the Garden of Eden. To commune with God and be in his presence is what our heart seeks. And that has been lost.

John Eldredge, in The Journey of Desire writes:

Should the king in exile pretend he is happy there? Should he not seek his own country? His miseries are his ally; they urge him on. And so let them grow, if need be. But do not forsake the secret of life; do not despise those kingly desires. We abandon the most important journey of our lives when we abandon desire. We leave our hearts by the side of the road and head off in the direction of fitting in, getting by, being productive, what have you. Whatever we might gain - money, position, the approval of others, or just to get away from the discontent itself - its not worth it.

"What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world and lose his own soul?" (Matt 16:26).

GO now and seek your country. You may be lost, but not forgotten. God desires you and of all things, your heart. That's it. That's all he really wants. Return to the King of Kings and you shall have everything that God intends you to have in life; Joy, Happiness, Mercy, Grace, Forgiveness, and most importantly of all LOVE.

Adventure

So, last week I had a setback (you can read here) and then this weekend I had an epiphany. I was working and just zoned out enough to pay attention to the job, when it hit me. The reason I'm still looking for/yearning for is the adventure.

See, Eldredge (I know, I know - I should start a fan club- but he's almost that good) speaks of adventure. Its universal, both men and women seek something bigger than ourselves. We yearn to be a part of something much larger than our mundane life. That's why guys root on 'thier' team. See its not just a game. Its much much bigger than that. Football is like the gladiator of our times. As a fan you get to be a part of that.

My best friend is a HUGE Boston Red Sox fan. Huge. He lives his life as a fan. He buys the baseball cable package every year and out of the 150 or so games they will play in a year he will watch about 100 of them. We have traveled around the country to see them play (Milwaukee, Detroit, Chicago, and of course Boston) He buys new hats, shirts, and whatnot all the time. He reads about them and watches highlights--even after watching the entire game. When they lose he gets mad, throws things, and is generally disagreable for a day or so. When they win, high fives all around!!! He has been known on many occasions to start conversations with complete strangers (old, young, male, or female) on the off chance that because they have a 'B' on their hat, they are as a devote fan as him.

The point is that he isn't just a fan of some dumb game, he identifies with them. He is part of the Red Sox Nation, as they like to call themselves. He gets to be a small part, of something much bigger than himself. He is a Red Sox, even if just a fan.

We all need that. The problem is that God has an adventure for us, and we lie to ourselves if we feel that it is a bit part. We can not be the guy holding the shovel, in the back row while William Wallace gives his speech in the movie that is our life. It is our life. We are the star and God wants us to step up and get in that role. We are center stage in a great adventure with God as the director and us as the main character. I know that I myself need to really flesh this out and find out what/where God is directing me, but at least I know can say that I am ready for it and yearning for it.

Healing; Not Forgivness

Its sad for me to see the Christians run around and preach. It really is. Everyone has got it wrong and they continue to push the wrong message to the world. Yes, Jesus offers us forgiveness of sins, but thats not all. Thats not even close. If we only hear that message we are left stuck in a world of hurt, pain, suffering, and our souls left wondering. Wondering for more and when we can't find it we turn to other things for help. Read this quote from Jesus, and tell me what think.

For this people's heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them. (Matt. 13:15)

So where does Jesus talk of forgiveness? Not here. He talks of healing. It is not a metaphor, its not pie in the sky, and its not some reference to heaven. Many christians (in their wanting to rationalize away everything), turn all of Jesus' teachings into a wait for heaven approach to life. "When I get to heaven, it will be all better" Thats not what this passage speaks of. It speaks of healing, here and now.

Jesus' teachings here on earth were about healing. Thats why I get upset when christians run around with thier signs that proclaim 'Jesus Saves' and 'The End is Near'.

Jesus healed the sick, cured the blind, stopped the bleeding, and even gave life to the dead. Thats what Jesus taught. Healing - now.

Fighting Yourself

In the movie, 'Way of a Peaceful Warrior' there is a dramatic scene where the young warrior must learn to 'let go of himself'. The scene unfolds on the top of a clock tower on his college campus. He first thinks that he has to talk someone out of jumping and then realizes that the person is actually himself.

Ok, not really him, but a metaphor for himself. The self that he has known all his life. Dan Milman is a young, selfish, hot tempered, self centered, shallow young man. He learns that he has to let go of this former self.

A fight ensues and the former self tells Dan that he can't exorcise him because he doesn't know who is without the former self. Its true. We don't know who we are, if we really try to get rid of all the old junk that we have carried around for so long. But if your willing to find out, you can learn a whole new wonderful way of living.

I think that my setback is my former self fighting back. John Eldredge would say that the flesh is always there trying to sabotage things. And there is a HUGE distinction here. Most churches say that we are all evil, we are all born of sin, because of Adam. But that's not really true. See, we have sin in us; but our heart, our core, is not what God tells us to get rid of.

Paul says (Romans 7:20) "I am not really the one doing it, the sin within me is doing it". It is the sin within me that is causing this setback. My former self is fighting for control and that's what I need to get rid of. My heart though is good. The Bible tells us to guard our heart. Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." This would not be the case if our heart was evil or full of sin.

Here is a clip from the movie 'Way of a Peaceful Warrior' (the part I mentioned above is 2 minutes and 28 seconds into it. It reminds me of Matthew 10:39 "Whoever finds his life will lose it and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

Of Men, Not Mice

In the movie 'Golden Compass', a 12 year old girl, Lyra, finds Iorek, a bear (able to talk and walk) and seeks his help. But he is doing menial jobs in the town and in return the townspeople give him booze. She is sadly disappointed because as you look at this creature, he is huge, mean, scary and muscles to boot. She does what any unafraid 12 year old would do. She tells the truth and calls him out on the carpet.

That's what I'm talking about. Us men need a good talking to.

There are two kinds of men out there. The one's who believe that manhood is dead and find it should be more feminine. These men buy into the popular culture that men should be able to cry and should be compassionate but above all else; the best man out there is the 'nice guy'. Yes, women like 'nice guys' and these men go with the flow. They feel that you are the better man if you can turn away from a fight. Even churches have further this agenda by taking, 'turn the other cheek' to every single situation that they come to. Bullshit.

Then there is the other extreme. Lots of men feel that riding a Harley and swearing and chewing tobacco makes them a man. And to prove it they will show a tough exterior that everyone should fear them. These men are just as bad and fake as the first kind. They don't know what compassion, forgiveness, or love are. These are foreign concepts to them, even though God created us all with emotions, they choose to believe it is best not to have them at all and if so then only anger and rage should come out. Macho-ism is just as far from manhood as feminism is.

I was born into the first scenario. Everyone would tell me that I was such a nice guy and I bought it. I believed that was the way to go. Always do the right thing, be the better man, and of course never, ever fight. Put everyone else first, and turn the other cheek, no matter what.

This is not how to live life. This is not how God wants you to life. He put adventure and risk and a good amount of fighting in every single man on earth. He did it for a reason. We are all at war. Now I know what your thinking, that I must be crazy or just a little out of touch with reality. But you've bared with me so far, so here me out.

(As an aside here, please bear with my talk of God. I'm not trying to preach or evangelize. I am only talking about what I know. And I can not talk about the affair, the discovery, and the beautiful journey that has come because of it and not talk about God. Why? Because He was, and is, there every step of the way. Every time I felt pain, misery, or my heart breaking into pieces, I felt Him and his working, healing, and guiding in my life. This is what I know and this is what I can write about.)

If you believe that God exists, then you have to believe that his counter part exists. If you believe that angels are out there, then, my friend, so are demons. Just as I have felt the awesome presence of God in my life, I have felt the devil and the ruin that he has placed on my wife, my life, and my heart.

I know that the Devil is out there and trying his hardest to bring me down. For if I live a crappy, unhappy, disease filled, injured, broken life, then the better for him. With every catastrophe in my life, the devil hopes that I move one step closer to hell. I am not making this up. Read your bible and show me where the devil is some metaphor. Most of you believe that sin is the only evil out there. And you are wrong.

Jesus cast out a horde of demons from a man, do you think that it was just some school kids story? The Devil himself came and tempted Jesus in the desert. He looked at Jesus in the eye and told him to bow down and worship him and he would give the world to him (Matt 4:1-11). Do you think there was a reason that we find that in the Bible? Yes, the reason is that the Devil is real and out there.

As a man, I firmly believe that you are given a good amount of fighting in you, so that you may defend your family. You will need to stand up some day, as I did and say enough is enough. I've had enough of this crap, and the line in the sand is drawn. From now on we will do everything we can to keep the Devil and his horde out of our family.

On September 17, 2007 I had my life taken from me. The life I knew, and came to hold dear to me, was stripped away from me and the devil was the source behind it. On that forsaken day, I experienced what I call 'the perfect storm' that came against me. I found out on my own that something was terribly wrong with my marriage. I came to learn that day three things: 1, that my wife cheated on me with another man, 2, that she was in love with this man and had been for the past 6 months, and 3, that the woman that I loved, in fact, did not love me and never had loved me, period.

As I sit here and say these words to you, I can not tell you or describe to you what that was like. I am sure that I will remember that day as long as I live and the emotions that I had, but even 10 years from now I would not be able to adequately tell them to you with words. So I will not attempt to. The closest that I can is in this poem, here.

But I know now that the devil was behind every single move and day leading to September 17, 2007.

But then two days later, I realized that I had to fight. If I wanted to leave my wife, I could. Part of me even wanted to. I knew that everyone I knew would be ok with that and support me. I knew that I could take my kids and leave her with part custody and that I could make it all work. I would be the better man and everyone would say that she got what she deserved. I could really be the nice guy here.

But as I thought through that scenario, it meant that I would let this other guy win. It meant that I would have to give up and throw in the towel. I would wave the white flag and say you win.

I was not ready for that. I decided after an emergency counseling session, that I was going to fight. I would fight for me wife, her love, and my family. I did not want my kids to grow up in a broken home and I was not going to let this other guy have the woman whom I married.

So, I took my wife, and told her that I loved her and we were going to do this. And in that moment, I tell you that I felt the presence of God himself. As I decided to fight for the right thing and show mercy, compassion, and the yearning to fight the devil, God rewarded me. He gave me back my wife.

She will better describe what we call 'the hilltop miracle' at some other time. I can say that to this day, I feel the fight in me. I choose no longer to be the nice guy. I drew that line in the sand. I called the other guy up and told him that this was my family and he had no right here. I told him in no plain terms that I was willing to defend my family and he had better get out now.

He emailed her afterwords and said that hopefully, someday we could all be friends. The nice guy in me said, mmm maybe. Then the fighter kicked in. I screamed at him. I told him that even if I were to die tomorrow, that he would never have her. Not as a friend, not as a lover, not as anything, ever. I would do everything in this life and in the next to fight for my wife and my family.

That is what I'm talking about. Now go get your gloves on. Were still at war, and still able to pick up the towel and come out swinging.

Heart

My darling Husband accidentally published this post with black text, so he wanted me to republish it so people wouldn't miss it. So if you're read this already, sorry.

Before we go back into the heart of the matter, just wanted to share that I had a beautiful day with my husband and children today. Full of the wide open spaces, God made wonders and beauty and much good food. And a nap after some Afternoon Delight. I love my life, I'm so free and happy! It's amazing, I am so glad to finally love the one I am married to. I feel so blesssed.

...and now, The Heart:Repost.

What do I mean by heart? John Eldridge has a great book "Waking the Dead The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive", which talks much more eloquently than I can here but I will try to sum it up as best I can. See , your heart is the center of everything. God, life, and your happiness. Look through the Bible and you will see more references to the heart than you ever would imagine. Here are just a few:


Det 4:29 But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.

Det 6:5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.


There are many many more but as you can see, throughout the Bible God tells us that he wants our hearts. He does not care one bit for the Pharisees that have obeyed every command, every law, and every verse to the fullest extent, because their hearts have been lost. They have hearts full of pride, worry, and judgment of others.

When asked what is the greatest, biggest, best thing in in the entire Bible, Jesus responds with
'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' That's it, that's the key, it is right in front of you and yet it is so far from most of us, it might as well me written in gibberish.

For the most part we live our lives with broken hearts and therefore broken minds that won't allow us to see Gods true glory, which is to live in our hearts and replace all the junk we carry with us. We walk around in the middle of a war. The Devil knows that God's wish and deepest desire is to have our heart, so he has tried and tried to fill our heart and mind with junk instead.
Look around you and see the number of people that have lost so much heart and have given in to every sort of vice and addiction. Sex, pornography, alcohol, lies, drugs, television, books, and every kind of distraction fills our lives so that our heart can not be given to God. That's the devils plan. Not that you would be lost and never found, but that your heart would be so full of every kind of little distraction that you don't even know you are lost.


Even in the church the devil has his ways with God's people. The church has convinced its people that obeying God's law; being 'nice' people (whatever the hell that's supposed to be); and keeping busy with programs, bible study, prayer groups, and services; that you will be just fine. But in the meantime our lives our wrecks. Everyone in the church is filled with just as much pain and misery as the rest of the world.

So where is the life that Jesus promised?

John 10:10
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Matt 11:28 learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

If you think for a second that Jesus is speaking in metaphors you are sadly mistaken. Most people believe that God wants his people to suffer through this life in anticipation for a great after life. You could not be further from the truth. God wants you to live this life to the full, to find rest for your souls right here, right now.

So, if I have adequately proved that your heart is the key, now what right? Well since this has been too long of a post already (and I have to go enjoy time with my beautiful wife) I will leave you sitting on the edge of your seat for the next part ;)

The Boogyman: The Question, Can You Forgive Your Cheating Spouse?

The first question I have is forgiveness. Its something, that at first, I would ask myself. How can I forgive? Did I really forgive her? What about the Other? Can I ever forgive him for the near destruction of my life, my family?

That question leads to the next thing I learned in life. Feelings. And how we all put way way too much importance on feelings.

Think about it. When asked "what is your purpose in life", how do you respond? Most people say, to be happy, I just want to be happy. Really? Thats it. Your purpose is a feeling? Your purpose here on earth is not a feeling. That's absurd. Your reason for being is not an emotion. You were not put here to 'be' your emotions. God gave us emotions as part of the human experience, but thats not who we are. We are not our emotions. We are so much deeper than that. We have emotions to help us experience this life and live it but thats not what is at our core.

Think about the last time you felt afraid, truly afraid. I remember walking into a dark basement, the cold creeping up through the floor and entering my body. The weird noises of the furnace. The creaking of wood from above. That feeling that someone is lurking around the corner. Have you ever felt this before?

Of course, we have all felt afraid in a weird, strange, dark place. Did you ever find a monster or serial killer or Freddy Kruger down there? Nope. There is just fear. And there was no REAL reason for it. Just an emotional experience. Yet we all see our emotions are absolute. Oh, I'm feeling sad, so I must be sad. Nope. Just like fear, your emotions can be wrong. They can fool you and deceive you. They can give you thoughts and conjure up things that are simply not there. Being afraid in a basement seems natural given the cues, but there is no real reason for it and it is really a fake feeling. Your feelings can lie to you.

My point is that we are not our emotions.

Haven't you felt that yearning for more. That feeling that you are something bigger than the things you look around and see. You go through life with deadlines, meetings, running from place to place, wasting time driving all over, then sitting at home and 'vegging out' in front of the TV.

But what about those movies or books that you love. Like 'Braveheart' when William Wallace stands up to fight for honor and justice. And I know you have your own moments, but thats when I know that I get a real glimpse of something bigger than me. Something more than a good 'feeling'. More than emotions. More than thoughts or random ideas, or notions that come across me. In those times, I can see the real me. The spirit me.

God has put a spirit in all of us, and those that believe know that God's spirit resides in them. But the distractions of life can make that a hazy cloudy view that makes it impossible to see. You know you have felt it though. I've had my moments where I swear I can feel God's presence. And in those moments, I'm not worried about my feelings or thoughts.

My point is, don't let feelings get in the way. Have them, then release them. Our therapist often says, "Many people come to my door and knock, I open it, but I don't have to invite them to come in and stay." The same is true of feelings, if hunger comes knocking, and its not time to eat you tell it to go away till dinner time. Yet if feelings of sadness come, we all want to open the door and let the darkness have its way in our mind.

The book 'Ways of a Peaceful Warrior' tells you to have emotions like an infant. Go ahead and cry, or get mad, then be done with them. Thats the way to live. Not stuck in feelings and wandering about your emotions like a wounded soldier waiting for help. Does a baby ever feel guilt for being angry. No sir. They get super mad, scream, then when done, go right back to their normal self.

But not us grown ups. We get to have worries on top of feelings. I'm angry but I shouldn't be, so now I will worry that I'm not expressing the correct emotion.

Or I forgave her but now I don't feel like it. Did I really forgive her? Shouldn't I be worried about that? No, absolutely not. So what if I don't 'feel' like it? Its just a dumb feeling, like being scared when you have absolutely no reason to. Don't let your emotions become The Boogyman.

Living In the Now: Version 4.0

My wonderful wife got me hooked on Carmel dove chocolate squares. Wow, are they yummy. As I was eating one today, I looked at the cute PMA (positive mental attitude) quotes that they used. The first was, 'Write a real letter, not just an email. Ya, I get that. Then 'promises are made to be kept'. Ya, I like that one too. The next was 'Dream big, there is no excuse not to'.

Hold it.

Actually there is an excuse not to. See dreaming and dreaming big is really just another distraction to our heart. For if you dream and only really dream, then that is where your heart is. If you fill your mind and your thoughts with a constant noise about the future and your dreams, then your heart will go there too. And if your heart is filled with noise of the future, then you will never be happy right now. You can never live in the present if your heart is set on the past or future.

I'm not saying to never plan for the future. Go ahead and sock some money away in a 401k or buy a solid mutual fund to grow your money for retirement. But I know all too well the path that is filled with dreams.

I used to play a game called 'Brewster's Millions' It was a fun game where I would find out the big jackpot in the lottery and then I would have to give away all but a small part for me and my family to live on.

It was kinda fun. This week the jackpot is $25 million and I would say "I'll give 1/2 a million to all 30 family members, then 5 million to us and the rest to start a new non-profit aimed at helping local teens through our great church"

The problem was that I started out with good intentions and would purchase a ticket once in a while just for kicks. I would bring it home and then talk to my wife and ask her to join in as well. But over the course of time, and without me realizing it, it became a huge distraction. And before I knew it, I was living this life in my head and that was all I was living.

The present was the way I got by, the thing that was in the way, the cloud that blew which ever way the wind went. See, over time my heart was distracted by this big huge dream about the future and couldn't be happy about now. Your heart is easily distracted. First by wounds, then by our thoughts and feelings.

See, now that the affair is over, I can look back and see the way I was always living in the future. I was always focused on something; first getting my degree, then my first job, then a promotion, then a better job and better city to live in. There was always a corner to look around and when I couldn't find one I would create one.

"Maybe I'll go back to school and get a master's degree, maybe I'm in the wrong field and I just need a new vocation. Maybe we just need a bigger house or car." That was the way I distracted myself, and all the while I found no happiness in the present.

Of course I couldn't be happy, because I was looking for it in the future and that's not where happiness is. Happiness lies right here, right now. It lies in the beauty around you. It lies in living life in the present and not carrying the baggage of the past or the future with you.

So, yes chocolate dove, I do have a good excuse for not dreaming, its called living life to the full. And I wouldn't trade it for anything that would happen to me tomorrow.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared
to what lies within us." -

-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Take that, Dove.