You're Not Alone in Your Recovery from Adultery

Every week I get more and more emails from men and women trying to survive this process of recovery from adultry. You are not alone and you all have experiences and support to offer to each other. If I could get you all in a room together I can just imagine the help and healing that might happen. In fact one of my emailers who has been struggling with breaking off an affair has found help through chatting with a husband who was cheated on. We could all help each other.

If you feel brave, leave a comment here-discuss what is happening with you. If you feel not so brave make an alias and do it anyway :). Or go to the Support board linked in the sidebar. Its not that active but I think that is in part because we hide so much from what we did.

I started this blog to face what I did, I called it Peering Into Darkness at first, but gradually felt like it was instead leading me to the light.

If you're feeling REALLY brave, write your own blog and let me know (you can still have an alias).

And as always I invite people to be guest bloggers here.

So reach out to one another-help each other.

Surviving Adultery Message Board repost

Its come to my attention that the message board may be hard to navigate. I've used runboard for about 4 years for my parenting message board so its like breathing to me, lol. But I imagine new users may have some confusion.

Originally I wanted to require membership to post in the interest of protecting people from unhelpful comments. But for now I'll just open it up to logged in users.

First, click here and sign up for an account. Once you have an account you should be able to post on the board. Here is the link for the board. Simply click the forum you want to comment in and click the post you want to read. Then to comment click "add reply". Now, because I am new to doing the secure boards, the main chat should be working normally but it is possible that the other ones might be password protected or require membership. If it says you must become a member it should direct you to an online application, just fill it out and I'll approve it.

If you have questions about navigation just post them here or in the main chat and I'll help you out.

Thanks!

Surviving an Affair Online Support Group

Surviving Adultery Online Support Group

Now Open!

I've had a few different people emailing me looking for support. And while I am here primarily to give support to anyone looking for it, I think there would be a lot of benefit for people who are going through this process to support each other.

I hope you'll take a look at the forum and feel free to pop in and introduce yourself. Aliases are welcomed.

This forum is for people to support each other in trying to save their marriage, and healing and recovery after having an affair. This is not for encouraging people to stay in an adulterous relationship. It can, however, be used to support someone starting over after leaving a relationship after adultery.

Here are the forums. And let me first say that some of these forums are password protected so in order for you to gain access to that specific area you must email me. All of the forums require membership to be able to post, some only allow members to read posts.

Main Chat: Anyone can read this, but in order to write a post or respond to a post you must submit an application for membership to the board. This is for any random posts and questions that don't fit elsewhere.

The Discovery: This is for people who have recently found out their partner/spouse is cheating. Support for them through the first storms of emotional chaos. Husband will be the main active participant in this one, having gone through this himself. Only members and read and post.

You've Been Discovered: This is for people who have recently had their affair come to light and are dealing with the confusing mix of emotions and the questions that go along with them. Only members can read and post.

Marriage Support: This forum is to help people strengthen their marriage/relationship once they've decided to remain together and have survived the initial destruction of discovery. Anyone can read, only members can post.

In the Midst of the Affair: This is for people still involved in their affair that would like to stop leading the double life. Supporting them in dealing with the turmoil that comes with leading a double life and help in gaining the courage to confess and stop. This forum is password protected for reading and posting.

-Scarlett Hester

Why Try to Save Your Marriage?

This is where I was Sept 18th 2007. The perfect storm had come upon me.
I found out that my wife of 10 years and two children:
1.) had cheated on me, spending an entire weekend with another man
2.) she was in love with the 'other' and
3.) didn't love me and in fact had never loved me (in THAT way).

I had NO idea what to do. My world was swirling around me and one minute I hated her and the next wanted her back. I remember a very vivid dream that first night of the discovery. I dreamt that we were dancing in circles; beautiful music was filling the air. Then I woke. I slowly came about to the realization of what happened the day before and I started sobbing and weeping in the middle of the night.

I had to decide something. I had no idea what to do. So the first thing I did was to not make any decision for 30 days. I even gave my wife my wedding ring. My thought was that the time could be used to make the best possible decision for everyone.

Then I decided to go with my wife to a counselor. And after that meeting, I told my wife that I was choosing her. I told her that I was going to try it for real. And that trying, that standing up and making the right decision changed my life.

If I had decided to do everything I "felt" like doing, I would be in jail right now, having gone through my very vivid feelings of wanting to shoot the 'other'. Had it all planned out actually, in my head. Of course I had feelings of hatred, but I choose to go with my feelings of love instead, and that had made all the difference. The right choice is not always easy.

I am sure that there are some marriages beyond saving, but as human beings we have the ability to change and be renewed by life and our experiences.

So why not use this to get back what you had? Better yet, why not start a new relationship based on truth and not holding anything back.

Affairs are so exciting and filled with love, because you are able to give yourself (and your heart) to the 'other' person. I saw that happen with my wife and then through the affair I saw her finally give her heart to me. I saw her, for the very first time ever, give herself to me and I fell in love with her and her giving of her heart.

So give yourself fully to your spouse. Give your heart away, even though society tells us to guard it. We have all been hurt by people in our lives but don't let those get in the way of love and the freeing love that can only be found in a free heart.

So, I know that every situation is not the same, but I know from experience that if you can pull through this, your marriage will be the best thing in the world.

Making the Choice to Save Your Marriage

I've been reading another blogger who recently went through her discovery. I linked to mine so you can know what I mean by discovery. I didn't link to her because she's going through so much, I'm not sure she'd want more people looking at her turmoil and I'm not certain she'll keep blogging. Talking with her through comments, and reading her other comments has made me think of all sorts of things.

In those moments of the discovery it is imperative to make the right choice, and the right choice for your family. As much as we are pro saving your marriage here, I know that not all marriages should be saved. Believe me, I know this. But, with the exception of emotionally/physically abusive relationships, I think that the right thing to do is to at least try.

And why not try? What else do you have to lose by trying? You have so much to lose by giving up and letting it all end.

I knew if everything came out and if I lost my husband, it would be the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I could see myself as an old woman looking back at my life and knowing that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I knew that I would be miserable.

When I was sitting in the office with the counselor that day after the Discovery, he asked me what I wanted. A whole host of things flew through my head. I thought about the Other, the connections we had, how badly I wanted to be married to someone I was in love with. I wanted to be free to be in love. But that wasn't really the right answer. If I was truly objective the answer would be that I wanted to love my husband desperately.

So when he asked me, I said, "in a perfect world, I'd love my husband."

I'm sorry I cannot really explain what happened in those next moments. I can't explain how I fell in love suddenly. Love that I had never felt before. This is where it is a bit different for me than many others. I started with Husband knowing I didn't love him like that. But content to be with my friend and feeling like I'd never love anyone. It wasn't me settling, it was me making a choice to pick someone I knew would make a great husband, friend and father. I thought that would be enough, but it wasn't.

Many people who marry have been in love with their spouse at some point. There was something there that drew you to each other. Over the years you lose so much of yourself. Love is replaced with resentment and apathy. Pretty soon you're a stranger to each other.

But if you opened yourself up, opened your life and your heart and all the secrets in your soul to your spouse, and your spouse to you... you could begin again. You could start new and build something beautiful from your broken marriage.

If you were the betrayer, like I was, that choice of fighting isn't so much in your control. You are at the mercy of your spouse to decide if they can bear to be with you anymore. But, in those moments you could chose complete an total honesty. You can be fully open with them and do everything you can do to convince them you want to get help for your marriage.

I just hate seeing people give up. Seeing people who know there is something broken in their marriage and that they don't love their spouse, decide it is too late. Sometimes its not too late.

I had no reason to fight, I knew I never loved him, what would make me think that would change? And we'd had so many fights over the years, so many hurtful pointless patterns we fell in to. They hadn't changed in 10 years of marriage, why would they change now?

But they did, fully and completely change. When something so awful happens your whole life goes through an enormous change and you have no choice but to adapt, to kick through the water to the surface, take that deep shuttering first breath and make for the nearest shore.

Keep swimming, swim until your arms give out. And if you don't make it, if you sink into the water and drowned, well, at least you know you gave it everything you had. You tried your best. You can move on and make the best of your after-life. But, please, at least try to make for land.

The Storm that Comes: Higher Power's Role Saving your Marriage

We talk a lot about God here, and since we are of the Christian faith we write from that perspective. But I think a lot of what we say can be translated across all faiths, all people, and everyone searching for something more.

I've been thinking a lot about something I heard in church. The story in Matthew (14:22-36) of Peter in the boat with the other apostles. There was a huge storm, they were terrified and thought they were going to die. Then Jesus comes walking across the water. Peter calls to him and Jesus tells him to come to him. Peter steps out onto the water and begins to to go Jesus but as a wind sweeps across him he gets fearful and starts to sink. As he sinks he cries for help and its not till he is sinking that Jesus grabs him and pulls him up, chiding him for his lack of faith.

I see this story in reference to affairs. I think the affair is the storm that rocks your boat and makes you feel like you might die, regardless of your other emotions. And often, as will happen, it is discovered. The discovery is the moments you are sinking into the water, certain that you will be swallowed up by a sea of horrors. But, that is the time to call out for the higher power.

Your marriage is about to drowned and you are at your wits end, fearful and ready to die. Calling out, reaching up for a higher power to pull you and your spouse to safety might just save your marriage. Your higher power gives you a vehicle to unload your baggage and carry you through the emotional twists and turns, hills and valleys that come with the aftermath of an affair. Because you have this vehicle you know you will reach your destination more safely and timely than if you were trying to walk the road alone. And if you have your spouse in the car with you, trying to help you navigate, taking turns at the wheel, it is that much easier.

You have to be on your knees, knowing everything is about to end in order to shed off the old scars and decide to be reborn in your marriage.

If you are sinking right now, reach out for help. Now is the time to act, and if its not through a higher power, then find a professional. Actually we strongly believe that a professional is a great way to have an unbiased, third party, help you and both of you along this journey. Even though we felt God beside us during our journey, our therapist, our sage, was there as well giving us timely advice and help. Because time is precious, those first moments after the discovery, while you're sinking into the darkness, those are the most important moments. That was the moment when I made the right decision and spoke aloud the words that would save my marriage, and I was graciously given that which I requested. You can too. Miracles do happen.