In Your Mind

In your mind. In your mind. So much of this battle that we are all on now lies inside your head. That space right between your ears is where most of the problem lies. That much I have learned from this journey.

See, the enemy wants you to linger on the details, hurt, pain, and junk that comes with a betrayal. But that is not what will help you or what God wants. Live in the moment, not in the past.

Lots of people call you every single day wanting you to sign up for long distance or buy a vacation package or donate money to the big police ball, but you don't talk to all of them, do you? Of course not. If you gave every telemarketer who called your house every minute that they wanted to talk to you, you would never get anything done. So you screen calls, you put yourself on the do-not-call list, you tell people very quickly that you don't have the time or money, and you hang up on them.

So, if you do that with your phone, then why not those dumb thoughts that come to you? Huh? Do it. Start screening your mind and when 'those' thoughts come to you, HANG UP! Take control and hang up. Think of something else. Anything else. Focus on the good or your breath. My new technique that I am using right now is just to focus on breathing. At work I can get very distracted. But I have a lot of time where I do somewhat meaningless tasks and I can just zone out. So yesterday I started to just focus on breathing. And it kinda works. I get more relaxed and in a better mood. So give it a try, but most important is to screen out things that want in, that you shouldn't let in.

Try this on for size:
In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

Living at the bottom of the stairs in your life
Never a smile knocking on your door
The air is blue and so are you
Prehistoric monsters on the floor

Last verse of your last song
And God don't hear dead men
The end of the line is in your mind
And you'll be staying in

In your mind, in your mind
Bone for bone and skin for skin
Eye for eye and tooth for tooth
Heart for heart and soul for soul
Somebody said what is true

Lock it up and close it down
The sound of morning like a dove
High beyond the rattle and roar
Look into the face of love

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

In your mind, in your mind
Sunday words are back again
And you'll eat your fun of the middleman's pie
But just a piece you understand
You'll get the rest up in the sky

Praise and glory, wounded angel
Shuffling round the room
Eternity is down the hall
And you sit there bending spoons
In your mind, in your mind
Father, son and holy ghost
Sacrificial drops the pain
On a silver planet cross
Sanctification on a chain

They say redemption draws knives
Storms of silence from above
Stop your ears close your eyes
Try to find the face of love

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

If you like it here is a you tube version of the song:

In your mind. In your mind. So much of this battle that we are all on now lies inside your head. That space right between your ears is where most of the problem lies. That much I have learned from this journey.

See, the enemy wants you to linger on the details, hurt, pain, and junk that comes with a betrayal. But that is not what will help you. Yes, you do need to deal with the stuff, but most of the time those thoughts come and you just need to not think about it. You can't spend the next few years reliving the past. Live in the moment, find joy and blessing and God in the here and now.

See, lots of people call you on the phone every single day wanting you to sign up for long distance or buy a vacation package or donate money to the big police ball, but you don't talk to all of them, do you? Of course not. If you gave every telemarketer who called your house every minute that they wanted to talk to you, you would never get anything done. So you screen calls, you put yourself on the do-not-call list, you tell people very quickly that you don't have the time or money, and you hang up on them.

So, if you do that with your phone, then why not those dumb thoughts that come to you? Huh? Do it. Start screening your mind and when 'those' thoughts come to you, HANG UP! Take control and hang up. Think of something else. Anything else. Focus on the good or your breathe.

My new technique that I am using right now is just to focus on breathing. At work I can get very distracted. But I have alot of time where I do somewhat meaningless tasks and I can just zone out. So yesterday I started to just focus on breathing. And so far it kinda works. I get more relaxed and in a better mood. Its easy too; deep breath in and out. So give it a try, but most important is to screen out things that want in, that you shouldn't let in.

I found this last week and I think it fits perfectly:

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

Living at the bottom of the stairs in your life
Never a smile knocking on your door
The air is blue and so are you
Prehistoric monsters on the floor

Last verse of your last song
And God don't hear dead men
The end of the line is in your mind
And you'll be staying in

In your mind, in your mind
Bone for bone and skin for skin
Eye for eye and tooth for tooth
Heart for heart and soul for soul
Somebody said what is true

Lock it up and close it down
The sound of morning like a dove
High beyond the rattle and roar
Look into the face of love

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

In your mind, in your mind
Sunday words are back again
And you'll eat your fun of the middleman's pie
But just a piece you understand
You'll get the rest up in the sky

Praise and glory, wounded angel
Shuffling round the room
Eternity is down the hall
And you sit there bending spoons
In your mind, in your mind
Father, son and holy ghost
Sacrificial drops the pain
On a silver planet cross
Sanctification on a chain

They say redemption draws knives
Storms of silence from above
Stop your ears close your eyes
Try to find the face of love

In your mind, in your mind
One foot on Jacob's ladder
And one foot in the fire
And it all goes down in your mind

If you like it here is a you tube version of the song:

Alone or Not?

ACK! Last night I'm sitting all alone watching Nancy Drew. I figure I'd be safe with Nancy Drew, nothing to sneak up and remind me of the Big Bad or the other. Its a movie about a teen detective. What could it possibly hold that would mirror something in my past?

Generally I wouldn't be trying to hide from it so much except during this Christmas shopping season I have become listless and depressed and lonely...which leads to battling thoughts.

So, I'm watching Nancy Drew and what happens? A stupid song that was a memory making song from the Other-jumps out at me and plays for a painfully long time. Stupid movie. Two different times it played!

And suddenly I'm thinking about the Other and the Big Bad and all the junk that comes with it. And I'm thinking about how lonely I am right now. How alone I am and have been since Thanksgiving and I find myself getting scared. I find myself thinking, What if I do it again? What if I'm like one of those cereal adulterers? And that thought scares the shit out of me. I never feel safe.

If there is one thing I've learned, its that anyone is capable of adultery. Even you. You may not think so, you think you'd never stoop to something like that...but so did I. And if I did it once, if I was wrong about the core and substance of who I was, I could be wrong again. Right?

WRONG! Those thoughts are from the enemy and cause me to doubt myself and my faith. My Sage would tell me that those thoughts are me fighting the flesh and "trying" to be good. Not giving it up to God and trusting him to protect me and fight with me against the evil and harm in the world. And it will never happen again because now I fight with more than just my will, but with God.

And more importantly, I have come through this process, have survived and grown stronger than I ever have been. I will feel the warning of the things that led me to do what I did-and I will talk to Husband about them if they pop up so we can fix them. I'm not alone anymore. My husband is with me and beside me in a way he never had been before. I am not alone.

So no matter how lonely I feel, I am never alone. I have God and my Husband with me always.

And you're not alone, because you have me and every other person who has ever gone through this, with you. Our pain and triumph and joy are out there swirling around...we are not alone in this.

Holidays After an Affair

Just wanted to let you all know that I'm thinking about you. Holidays can be tough after an affair, you may have some bad memories, old memories or facing people who know about the Big Bad. Just wanted you to know I'm praying for you and to hang in there.

If yucky thoughts come at you-push them out. My therapist says, "lots of people come knock at your door, but you don't have to let them come in and dwell inside." So, acknowledge it and then tell them, "no thank you" and close that door-move on.

Another wise person said to stop unwanted thoughts-speak aloud. I find that works. Even if you are yelling at the thoughts to get back-just talking and making sound seems to cut the thought off. Maybe try singing a little tune to banish it.

So take care, be merry and keep on working on your marriage. Seek help, seek support and care for yourself.

Merry Christmas all!

And Time Stretches On...

I hate this time of year. Husband works retail and is gone 6 days a week for very long hours. We all get crabby this time of year. The house starts to look like a hell hole and I stop being patient and kind mommy. I get crabby with my monkeys.

Littlest Monkey, who will be 3 in April, has begun biting at daycare. Biting has coincided with the Christmas shopping season. He's bitten 4 times since Thanksgiving. I guess on Friday he bit one little girl rather hard and her father became very upset. Now daycare wants to kick out Littlest Monkey. Without a conference or problem solving session or anything. I'm just beside myself worrying about it. And I feel deeply responsible because I've been responding poorly to the things he does and the way he acts. It just makes it worse.

So I'm heading into the darkest part of the forest, the last leg of this mile, because I only have 2 more weeks to last...I'm really beginning to hate Christmas...

Husband is right about all of this though, we have been through so much worse. If we survived an affair we will work out something with daycare. It shouldn't be such a big deal except I feel like its a big part my fault and I worry about him adjusting.

In a time where everyone has so many worries about life. Money, marriages, jobs and illness...my little worry seems small. So I guess I just need to buck up and stop obsessing. And pray for everything to work out, as it always does for me, and pray for those who are worse off than me.

Should I Kill Myself Over My Adultery?

I don't know about you, but when I saw this search term in my blog stats, I gasped aloud. I thought frantically "Of course you shouldn't kill yourself!" and wondered if there was any way to reach out to the poor soul who thought a Google search might help them decide whether life would be worth living.

This person did happen upon my blog and I can only pray they found some words here to help them decide life was indeed worth living.

But these suicidal thoughts are not a surprise to me. During my moments of discovery I remember clearly staring into the green rocky water...thinking about how I'd have to jump and which spots I could wedge my body between so I couldn't be rescued. I wanted to jump so badly..but I didn't. And of course there was the cutting before that. So, I get it.

But I also know that there is life after an affair. Regardless of whether or not your marriage survives it, there is still life. The Big Bad of an affair will completely throw your life into turmoil. You'll feel alone and scared. Its very raw and it will break you down. But this process of breaking you down gives you the opportunity to rebuild yourself and becomes something new.

You have a chance to start all over again, in a marriage or as a single person learning about yourself all over again. For the still marrieds, this time can be very much like a honeymoon phase, mine indeed was. But I expected it to be a phase and was prepared, as much as I could be, for the outbursts and hurt that still came. But our honeymoon lasted a few months and we spent a lot of time talking, loving and caring for each other. There was a lot of work done and foundation started in those months so when the hard work came we had something stable already started. One thing I'm happiest for is the week Husband and I took off to spend together a few weeks after the discovery. It was just about he and I, something we hadn't had in years, and it made all the difference to our healing.

For the no longer marrieds, it can be a new and exciting time to get to know you. To deconstruct your personality and relationship and really learn what happened and what you want after your your healing process is finished.

Both groups really need some professional help through this. There is nothing like having a guide to lead you through the dark of the forest.

And if you can't afford a guide, then perhaps you'll be able to find some solace here, or in our online message board. Because life is still worth living.

800 LB Gorrilla..

Thats what I feel is sitting in the corner staring at me with a little knowing smirk on his face. Its that heaviness that you feel when someone starts talking about adultery. Admonishing someone they know who is carrying on some illicit affair. And all you can do is sit there quietly trying not to be too obvious with your discomfort.

This is sometimes how I feel in the presence of my sisters. Not many people know about the Big Bad, but during the discovery I texted one of my sisters, nearly giving her a heart attack while she was driving.

Apparently they all knew something was going on, but weren't sure what. Anyway, I told her to just tell everyone about it for me...I was still working on an exit strategy, I was pretty sure Husband and I would be over and I would somehow end up being with the Other.

Her response was a big fat no, she wasn't telling anyone and no one needed to know. Then she told me to go see a counselor she knew. The best advice I've ever had and what saved my marriage.

Anyway...during the discovery, Husband broke two very old chairs that had belonged to my mother and at some point I had to explain what happened. So, I told her vaguely, while crying, about what happened. I didn't give details, just a little bit. At this time she was at another sisters house. So, in my head, I count 2 siblings and my mother who I know for sure knows.

But my sisters talk. A lot. And I know things about them they don't think I know because someone else told me. So I'm never quite certain who knows. And thats when the Gorilla sometimes comes.

When the topic comes up about someone having an affair all I can do is try to seem engaged and think of a clever way to change the topic. I can't join in their disgusted admonitions and I can't show my sympathy to the betrayer (of course the betrayed gets the well deserved sympathy).

(Mea Culpa) Since the Big Bad I have such a different perspective on this topic. I belonged to the outraged masses who condemned such awful behavior... but now I have sympathy for the betrayer because I understand the turmoil and self loathing and addiction they feel. Hating and loving everything, feeling things they feel they don't deserve to feel, not even knowing what to pray. During my awful months all I could do was pray that God's will be done. I didn't know what else to pray. Its in my nature to be a peacemaker, Swiss...to stick up for the person that is being raked across the coals. But having been in the drivers seat of Adultery...I just sit silently and listen. I can't bring myself to say anything.

So here I am, over a year later, and sometimes I feel intensely uncomfortable. I expect it sometimes, like when I'll see my Husband's best friend for the first time and wonder if he and his wife are thinking about what I did the whole time. And sometimes it'll come out of the blue like when the sister I did tell talks about her crazy whore ex-boss's numerous trysts... But I know this will eventually go away.

And, in the meantime, since it is the holiday seasons and we can't help be around friends and family that may know...all you can do is hold the thoughts back. Fight them, don't think and wonder, just be. We are all human and we make mistakes. All we can do is to pray for forgiveness and work at forgiving ourselves. As time passes I'm am certain it gets easier. Its already gotten easier for me.

So whats the best way to kill that Gorilla? Perhaps humor? Like when someone who knows talks about a friend's awful affair, you could fake outrage and declare how you could never do such a thing...then laugh.... That may not go over very well, but I bet it would sure make someone aside from you uncomfortable.

Oh well, I have no real answers. Chances are, if they are thinking about what you did while talking about their friend's affair, they are probably feeling just as uncomfortable as you and trying to think of a cleaver yet subtle exit strategy. Like when you call someone crazy while sitting next to your bi-polar co-worker.

Good luck with your Gorilla!

"You Can't Handle the Truth"

I love the passion behind Jack Nickelson when you admonishes the young officer examining him on the witness stand. But I disagree.

After an affair there is the issue of questions and answers. The betrayed spouse has a ton of questions and the other spouse has all the answers. I can see both sides of this one now but I want to give my opinion on it.

The spouse whom had the affair (referred to after as the betrayer) doesn't like or want to answer hours and hours of seemingly endless questions. Questions that bring every little insignificant detail to light. Questions that don't matter, especially if the couple is focused on healing and moving forward. The betrayer feels that this leads to needless hurt, pain, and focusing on the past rather than the future. And to some extent they are correct.

But I know my feelings as the betrayed spouse and offer you this insight.

The affair is like a giant jigsaw puzzle. One of those ten thousand pieces with scenes within scenes. For example, a World War 2 puzzle might have lots of scenes on it. In one spot is the battle of the bulge, in another the invasion of Normandy, the bombing of London, Rosa the Riveter, the Holocaust, and raising the flag at Iwo Jima.

As the betrayed one of the things that you have to deal with is that the world you thought you knew, one of your spouse loving you and being faithful, is suddenly distorted. Part of the healing process is trying to make sense of the world and everything that happened.The betrayed spouse now has all the pieces of the 10,000 piece puzzle of the affair and the betrayed spouse has like 150 of those pieces.

We are trying to make sense of everything and we just can't without being able to see the big picture. Part of that is at least filling in some of those holes. We know that having all 10,000 pieces isn't going to help, but at the same time having only a small part of the puzzle leaves our mind to wonder what was in the empty space.

So at the beginning I knew that my wife cheated on me, that she spent a weekend together in a rented house, and that they sent each other tons of texts, emails, yadda yadda yadda. But then I needed to know more. Like what was the weekend like? What did you do? Did you go out to eat? Did you do anything in public? Did you kiss? Did you drive anywhere? It was really my way of putting the puzzle together.

See without all these seemingly insignificant details, the puzzle doesn't make sense. If I told you about World War 2 but only spoke the invasion of Normandy, you couldn't understand the war as a whole. There is no way anyone can understand WW II if you don't talk about the Holocaust. If you don't see at least some pictures of shoes, piles and piles of shoes, or people being herded into trains then you can not truly fathom the depth or the meaning of the Holocaust and therefore WW II.

The same holds true in an affair. You can't know every single detail of every minute, but having some or most of the details gives you a much better idea of the bigger picture. It also helps to put what little sense of the now changed world, back together again.

The other thing about the information is that it does create an unbalance of power. Since only one person has the power that is the information about the betrayal, the other one has nothing. Sharing the information (willingly and HONESTLY) does help to restore that balance.

So yes, Jack, maybe I can't handle the truth, maybe I'll even cry during the telling of the truth, but I need it to make sense of the world.

You'll Come Back

More from Regina Spektor, I just heard this song when I watched Prince Caspian. Its really nice. Watch and read the lyrics.

Sorry for being MIA

Things in my world have been a bit hectic lately. I posted here about my trouble with my best friend, and to remedy that we decided a weekend away together would be the answer. However my car decided to completely die while I was 5 hours from home, and anyone I knew for that matter.

Anyway, I rented this car, which I fell in love with. I totally want one now. And we only had one car for two weeks. This is what I learned. When my husband is home with me in the morning and evening every single day, I am insanely happy. SO HAPPY. I was giddy. I knew it was just a quick stint of him changing his shift around to accommodate our lack of car, but it felt so wonderful to be with him. I told him I would live in a shoebox forever as long as I could have him.

And now we finally got our car back and here comes the insane loneliness. With the loneliness comes depression and the depression brings back the memories of the Big Bad. I have to say, though, that I amaze myself at how well I'm able to fight off the attacks of those memories. And I know that the schedule my husband is working will only last through the holidays and soon he will be home more. Not as much as he was during out time without the second car, but more than right now.

Its so hard to be married and healthy and remain connected. To talk to each other and to force yourself to say what is in your head. I remember being very deliberate in the beginning of our recovery, to say exactly how I was feeling and thinking. I needed him to know what what in my head and I needed to not feel like I was ever hiding anything from him ever again.

During these low moments, I find myself almost reverting back to the old style of communication. The withholding and ignoring of my feelings. I have to fight that. We all do. We need to be open, gentle and loving in our communication.

Recently I read a post on my parenting board that disheartened me. These are women I've known online for nearly 5 years. We are on a private board together and most of us have met others IRL at some point through the years. So reading this post made me very sad. The post was from one woman asking how hard it was to be single because she and her husband weren't getting along anymore. She just didn't love him. It sounds like they fought quite a bit and they had gone through counseling for some time. When I posted about the Big Bad when it happened I remember her commenting that counseling was helping her and her husband tremendously. So I was surprised at her post.

But that wasn't entirely what saddened me. What made me sad was how many of our small group posted back that they felt the exact same way. So many. All I could do was post about how I'd discovered a love for my husband I never thought was possible...I wanted to give them hope. I want to give all people in lost marriages hope. Because if I can fall in love with my husband 10 years after I married him, then they can rediscovered what they first loved about each other.

Children, jobs, life and the thirst for adventure pulls us away from each other. We need to find adventure in each other, make time for ourselves outside of our children and to not have our job define our life. We need to pay attention to each other, hear each other, look into each other's eyes and say what is in our hearts. And you have to work-HARD. Its hard work, and you're tired. But you have to do it.

And I guess that's all I have for tonight. I'll try to post more frequently. I'm sure I will since my darling husband will be working quite a bit. Lots of time for random thinking to be done.

Forgiveness

Forgive
11/24/2008

---

We must forgive those who hurt us. The reason is simple: Bitterness and unforgiveness are claws that set their hooks deep in our hearts; they are chains that keep us held captive to the wounds and the messages of those wounds. Until you forgive, you remain their prisoner. Paul warns us that unforgiveness and bitterness can wreck our lives and the lives of others (Eph. 4:31; Heb. 12:15). We have to let them go.

Forgive as Christ has forgiven you. (Col 3:13)

Now – listen carefully. Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling – don't try and feel forgiving. It is an act of the will. "Don't wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving," wrote Neil Anderson. "You will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made . . ." We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past, for "if your forgiveness doesn't visit the emotional core of your life, it will be incomplete." We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we choose to extend forgiveness to our father, our mother, those who hurt us. This is not saying, "It didn't really matter"; it is not saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says, "It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And I release you. I give you to God."

It might help to remember that those who hurt you were also deeply wounded themselves. They were broken hearts, broken when they were young, and they fell captive to the Enemy. They were in fact pawns in his hands. This doesn't absolve them of the choices they made, the things they did. It just helps us to let them go – to realize that they were shattered souls themselves, used by our true Enemy in his war against femininity.

(Captivating (John Eldridge), 102-103)

I also think its important to hold this same as true for forgiving yourself. Self hatred leads to many a dangerous path, many a poor choice and many a broken relationship. Let God give you Grace, learn about it. I had to, I didn't understand it at all. I am so happy to have finally understood his grace and been able to forgive myself for my transgression.

Surviving Adultery Message Board repost

Its come to my attention that the message board may be hard to navigate. I've used runboard for about 4 years for my parenting message board so its like breathing to me, lol. But I imagine new users may have some confusion.

Originally I wanted to require membership to post in the interest of protecting people from unhelpful comments. But for now I'll just open it up to logged in users.

First, click here and sign up for an account. Once you have an account you should be able to post on the board. Here is the link for the board. Simply click the forum you want to comment in and click the post you want to read. Then to comment click "add reply". Now, because I am new to doing the secure boards, the main chat should be working normally but it is possible that the other ones might be password protected or require membership. If it says you must become a member it should direct you to an online application, just fill it out and I'll approve it.

If you have questions about navigation just post them here or in the main chat and I'll help you out.

Thanks!

Surviving an Affair Online Support Group

Surviving Adultery Online Support Group

Now Open!

I've had a few different people emailing me looking for support. And while I am here primarily to give support to anyone looking for it, I think there would be a lot of benefit for people who are going through this process to support each other.

I hope you'll take a look at the forum and feel free to pop in and introduce yourself. Aliases are welcomed.

This forum is for people to support each other in trying to save their marriage, and healing and recovery after having an affair. This is not for encouraging people to stay in an adulterous relationship. It can, however, be used to support someone starting over after leaving a relationship after adultery.

Here are the forums. And let me first say that some of these forums are password protected so in order for you to gain access to that specific area you must email me. All of the forums require membership to be able to post, some only allow members to read posts.

Main Chat: Anyone can read this, but in order to write a post or respond to a post you must submit an application for membership to the board. This is for any random posts and questions that don't fit elsewhere.

The Discovery: This is for people who have recently found out their partner/spouse is cheating. Support for them through the first storms of emotional chaos. Husband will be the main active participant in this one, having gone through this himself. Only members and read and post.

You've Been Discovered: This is for people who have recently had their affair come to light and are dealing with the confusing mix of emotions and the questions that go along with them. Only members can read and post.

Marriage Support: This forum is to help people strengthen their marriage/relationship once they've decided to remain together and have survived the initial destruction of discovery. Anyone can read, only members can post.

In the Midst of the Affair: This is for people still involved in their affair that would like to stop leading the double life. Supporting them in dealing with the turmoil that comes with leading a double life and help in gaining the courage to confess and stop. This forum is password protected for reading and posting.

-Scarlett Hester

My Emotional Basement

This began as an email to my best friend, but as usual, I chickened out and didn't send it. She wouldn't mind me sending it, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. So I'm blogging it. And let me note here that she and I have never had a fight in our entire friendship. Ever.

Lately we have had little tiffs, or more accurately it seems like she has been getting upset with me. For instance she was trying to conceive her 3rd child and wasn't getting pregnant right away, and by right away I mean the first few months. On the other hand I'm not trying to get pregnant but Husband and I aren't 100% careful all the time. I would say we're mostly careful but sometimes there could be a slight chance I could potentially get pregnant (and I mean slight because I had to take clomid just to conceive my first two). So I'm also pretty irregular with my cycle, so during her attempting conception months I would be late and wonder if by some weird glitch, I was pregnant.

Finally she yelled at me when I would wonder if I should test, she was really mad. I felt that was incredibly unfair. She'd only been trying for a few months, its not like she has fertility issues. I work with a woman who took 4 years and 1 miscarriage to conceive. That is trouble conceiving. I just bottled up my feelings. I didn't say anything. I told her it wasn't like I was a crack whore mom getting knocked up with my 8th kid I never wanted.

Then after she did become pregnant and we'd talk on the phone, I'd say something like, "I wish we were pregnant together." Because our first two we were. I miss sharing that. So one day she tells me she felt like her pregnancy has put a strain on our friendship, that she felt like she couldn't share things with me. That floored me. I didn't know what to say besides "how on earth could you ever think that??" She and I have been best friends for 16 years, she has been a constant in life and she is one of the people I love most in the world. Her saying that really pushed me into a sadness I had been ignoring.

We talked about it briefly and we decided that we just need to make phone dates and talk more. That the lack of talking as much was what was causing the strain.

Then tonight she was talking about her big ultrasound coming up. I couldn't remember if they knew the gender from her previous ultra sound or not. I felt like in the back of my head I remembered, but I opened my stupid mouth and professed I didn't-at which point she yelled at me and told me now she was really mad at me. I do remember now her telling me she went and bought something pink...

I shut down. I just was like, "Dude, I don't remember crap these days." and she said something like I better not, I better be that flighty, and all I wanted to do was hang up the phone and cry.

I guess I could have said something on the phone, I don't know. I just don't have the capacity to deal well with anyone yelling at me anymore. I let shit behind my back slide off (like at work with the psycho drama co-worker boss harassment weirdness) but I can't deal with it up front. I think I spent so much of my energy surviving the affair and the emotions that came with it, that I don't have much left over to control. So I shove them into the basement and hope they'll go away. And they never do. They stay down there and get angrier and darker and more sad.

Am I such a bad friend :( it makes me want to cry... I almost did, I still may. I have so much crap clogging my head, trying to remember so many things, things that don't matter like work crap, I just don't seem to have any room left. I sometimes can't tell the difference between something that happened in a dream and something that happened for real. I'm tired and stressed and I live in a shoebox and I'm fighting depression-situational depression.

And always, one of the things that has terrified me most is the thought of losing her. She has always loved me regardless... maybe that is what I'm afraid of. That she doesn't love me as much.

I am just so sad right now. And the Big Bad is taking advantage of this, starting to whisper old memories in my head... the things I want to forget. Its not plaguing me like in the early days, but I'm afraid they will start to. I'm not sure what to do. I know that clearly I should talk to her, but for some reason I'm just afraid to do so. Perhaps I'm afraid the crap will burst out of the basement and do irreparable harm some how. I'm not sure. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

An Interesting Study About Why Men Cheat.

This week I read an article about why men cheat, it despelled the age old idea that men cheat for physical/sexual gratification and women are the ones who cheat for emotional reasons. The researcher said almost all of the research was based on the wives reports on their husbands cheating, so they asked the men and here is what they found.

48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.

So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about physical intimacy: Only 8 percent of men said that physical dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity.

That little percentage surprised me. It reminded me of the book I'm reading called Adultery, by Louise DeSalvo. She had this to say, its not completely related, but it still made me think of this. She talks about how she was before she met her husband, wild, passionate, crazy and sexy. Then they got married and she changed, became responsible, made casseroles and cookies and had babies and took care of babies. But she wasn't who he married.

This to me sounds like the story of many women. They throw themselves away to provide and give and care for everyone but themselves. Their essence disappears. She felt this was a factor that contributed to her husband having an affair, but I think this could have just as easily contributed to her having one. Because you start to miss yourself, and when you find someone that you feel sees you-really sees you, and you start feeling like your old self again...well that is the beginning. Or in my unresearched opinion it is.

Now back to the study.

66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.

40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.

Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife

I found this particularly interesting, and it was also true for me too. My Other wasn't nearly as good looking as Husband. I guess that lends to the whole, "its not about sex" thing.

In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void

Only 6% of cheating men had physical intimacy with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.

Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated.

So, there is time to see the signs. Time for fixing. My hope is that maybe there is some way for me to help stop those who are walking down the path of adultery, if that is possible. Duh, its possible, but the straying party needs to want to stop and in my opinion the part of them that doesn't want to stop is stronger than the voice screaming in their head to stop. But that is why stopping the affair ASAP is like jumping into a cold lake, you just close your eyes, run, and jump-you have to tell the truth. The alternative is much more painful.

SO if you suspect, most likely the offending party will deny it. Maybe not. But just keep asking them what is wrong with your relationship, what can you do to fix things, keep fighting.

And if you feel yourself straying, please see there is something wrong with you, or something wrong with your spouse, or more likely, something wrong with both of you. Make them listen, make them understand in any way you can. Find the old you, find the old them, and put those two together again. That is who came together in the first place.

The Test

These next few months will be the real test for me. Marriage is much easier when life is easier. When bills aren't stretching you thin, the weather is beautiful and you have a lot of time to spend together. Its just effortless.

These next few months promise to not be easy.

I had a taste of life to come this winter and it was not pretty. Husband ended up working 3 weekends in a row, and when he works weekends we don't see him from Saturday morning until Sunday afternoon. It sucks. I was so lonely... and from loneliness came depression.

I hated it, I was afraid of it. Depression, sadness, loneliness...aren't those the first little pieces that lead us to stray? I am always afraid of myself. Above everyone else, I always did the right thing and me not doing the right thing makes me doubt myself completely. I could rationally say something like the affair will never happen again. But I could rationally say before that an affair would NEVER happen at all. I don't know how it happen. Actually I do, I was tricked...by myself, but tricked all the same. Stupid. But I believed completely that I was above something so low... and now I know otherwise. It sucks. But I have learned a whole new compassion for people who find themselves in the unhealthy addiction of an affair.

So during these times when I don't get to connect with Husband I find myself terrified. And the thing I am most afraid of is that this will go away. This thing we have, this love. I lived many years without feeling in love and constantly feeling badly and I am so afraid of that. I'm afraid that all of this is a cruel trick and one day I'll wake up and find out I was fooling myself.

These thoughts and feelings plague me in my loneliness and instead of reaching out, I shut down. I pull in and seclude even more. I now know that what I do need to do is really reach out to my friends to keep me company during these months when Husband works so much. Even just having my neighbors come down to watch a movie with me... or going to my sisters house to watch the boys play. I think that will help.

Its all about self caring. We have to insulate ourselves during good times so when the hard times come we will be ready. Its like an emotional nest egg. You need that plan in place for when things start to get hard.

What have you done lately to care for yourself?

Options

I heard this song today. It reminded me of what my husband must have felt just after deciding that he was going to choose me, stay with me- give it a month he said. See what happens.

The lyrics, I'm not sure if he told her what he says in the beginning, but he thinks it. And they both declare their love with the other believing it mostly. And that is sort of how it is after the recovery. You believe they love you while not being able to believe it, or wondering if it will change. But you both need each other so much that you stay together. The option to leave is there, and maybe for the betrayed spouse they need to keep it there to have some sense of control. Perhaps Husband will take a listen to this song and tell me what he thinks.

Scratch That

Ok, I feel better. I have my iPod firmly in place, soft tunes lulling me and keeping me sane. I unplugged the TV and now my monkeys are working together to clean the living and bedroom-of their own volition! A 4 year old and 2 year old! Now that warms the heart.

During the times of aloneness... I really need to focus on the blessings around me. I am truly blessed and lucky and omg, my life could have been such a disaster if things had gone differently. Truly disastrous. But my life is good, my husband loves me and I love him and I am so truly blessed.

Thanks to the Monkeys for reminding me I have happiness around me, even in a shoebox.

Sadness and Depression

I feel very sad and depressed right now. Part of it has to do with a lot of repressed anger I have. I pretty much have to repress my anger because not doing so would cause strife in the workplace/family. So I just fume, swallow and vent to a friend or husband. But husband is working and I forgot to pay my dumb phone bill so I can't call my friend who lives long distance...and I have no clue where my cell phone is. Hence the silent fuming.

But its starting to poison me a little bit. It makes me angry, sad and easy to frustrate. I have to work even harder not to lash out at the kids and be calm.

And then I live in a shoebox, winter is coming, I have two active boys and I am not looking forward to weekends alone shut in the Shoebox. I feel like a Rat City. In Rat Cities, when they get over crowded they start fighting, then they kill each other, and eventually they start practicing population control through abstinence. I remember this lesson vividly from my college psych classes. They used it to explain part crime and violence in large cities.

I just have to find a way to cope during these next few months-till the 6 months of winter are over. The summer will be bearable, the fall will be fine, and if things go according to plan, we will buy a home and say goodbye to our shoebox.

I really hate living in a shoebox.

Saturday with Regina Spektor

I really like this artist, she has a great voice and her songs have great lyrics.


On the Radio, a song about an affair by Regina Spektor. Actually quite good.



Fidelity, same artist


Samson, by same artist. I listened to this song a lot after the Discovery. I felt like I'd cut Husbands hair, but he kissed me and loved me the same. Its really a beautiful song though.

Cleaning House

What do you do once you've decided to end the affair, or once it has been ended for you? For one thing I think it is of the utmost importance to clean house. And what I mean by that is, if at all possible, disappear and get rid of anything that will remind you of your Other.

First off, what I mean by disappear is this. Do what you can to make it impossible for the Other to contact you and for you to contact them. This means changing phone numbers, email addresses, blocking them from your Facebook/Myspace and your instant messages. And you scour everything you have to get rid of their info. Everything. Just don't leave that window even a little bit cracked.

Secondly, get rid of whatever you can that reminds you of the Other. Clothes, scents, songs, movies-just avoid them. This doesn't mean forever, but definitely during your intial months when you're struggling to over come the discovery and/or the addiction. Once you have come to a place of peace you may be able to go back to these things without having painful memories. I don't think I'd be able to... but thats just me.

Thirdly, take back what you can. And what I mean is, take ownership of things that used to be something you shared with the other-share it with your spouse. Rewrite your old memories and haunts with all new ones. Take back every experience you can and replace it with a new healthy one.

I hope this helps you, I know it helped me.

Why Try to Save Your Marriage?

This is where I was Sept 18th 2007. The perfect storm had come upon me.
I found out that my wife of 10 years and two children:
1.) had cheated on me, spending an entire weekend with another man
2.) she was in love with the 'other' and
3.) didn't love me and in fact had never loved me (in THAT way).

I had NO idea what to do. My world was swirling around me and one minute I hated her and the next wanted her back. I remember a very vivid dream that first night of the discovery. I dreamt that we were dancing in circles; beautiful music was filling the air. Then I woke. I slowly came about to the realization of what happened the day before and I started sobbing and weeping in the middle of the night.

I had to decide something. I had no idea what to do. So the first thing I did was to not make any decision for 30 days. I even gave my wife my wedding ring. My thought was that the time could be used to make the best possible decision for everyone.

Then I decided to go with my wife to a counselor. And after that meeting, I told my wife that I was choosing her. I told her that I was going to try it for real. And that trying, that standing up and making the right decision changed my life.

If I had decided to do everything I "felt" like doing, I would be in jail right now, having gone through my very vivid feelings of wanting to shoot the 'other'. Had it all planned out actually, in my head. Of course I had feelings of hatred, but I choose to go with my feelings of love instead, and that had made all the difference. The right choice is not always easy.

I am sure that there are some marriages beyond saving, but as human beings we have the ability to change and be renewed by life and our experiences.

So why not use this to get back what you had? Better yet, why not start a new relationship based on truth and not holding anything back.

Affairs are so exciting and filled with love, because you are able to give yourself (and your heart) to the 'other' person. I saw that happen with my wife and then through the affair I saw her finally give her heart to me. I saw her, for the very first time ever, give herself to me and I fell in love with her and her giving of her heart.

So give yourself fully to your spouse. Give your heart away, even though society tells us to guard it. We have all been hurt by people in our lives but don't let those get in the way of love and the freeing love that can only be found in a free heart.

So, I know that every situation is not the same, but I know from experience that if you can pull through this, your marriage will be the best thing in the world.

The Insidious Online Affair

Insidious

1. intended to entrap or beguile: an insidious plan.
2. stealthily treacherous or deceitful: an insidious enemy.
3. operating or proceeding in an inconspicuous or seemingly harmless way but actually with grave effect: an insidious disease.

That is perfect for what can happen when you think you're protected by distance, anonomity and a computer screen. You are free to be anything you want, to pretend anyone you want... but even more...to be yourself.

When you connect with people online, you have a safe way to open your life to them without worry that they will expose your dark secrets. Without having to look them in the face when you give them pieces of you. However, as you intimately share yourself and your life with someone other than your spouse, it can very quickly become emotional.

And even worse, as you find yourself walking down the twisted web of internet relationship, you get closer and closer to making the surreal become real. Its a slippery slope. First innocent chatting, then secret sharing and heartfelt conversations, then not so innocent chatting, then you might progress to cyber sex or pictures or phone sex and before you know it, you find yourself in a sleezy motel between here and South Dakota to meet this "person" you are so in love with.

And you don't even see it coming! You say "Omg, he lives 400 miles away from me. And its just pretend sex, its not real. Its not like we're actually doing it." but you are. And that is how it is insidious. It gives you a false sense of safety. But I warn you all, you are not safe. You can get pulled in and sucked under and be tangled and drowning in the weeds before you even realize you fell off the boat.

I'm just saying...

I thought this picture was interesting...lets pretend "Brad" is your spouse, your therapist or a trusted friend who can talk sense into you. Reach out to help-even if you don't want to. Listen to the little voice screaming in your head and tell someone to help you before you fall off the boat.

Chicken Fried Thoughts

A friend asked me today how do I deal with the thoughts of my wife and the Other. Hmm.. it had been a while since I have had those thoughts but here's a stab at it.

First I have to say that I thought about it every.single.day for 4 to 6 months. Those first few months I would obsess over all kinds of details. Images that I either read about or that my wife told me about would play like broken tapes over and over. There were days that all I could do was to hold out till the car ride home just to stop from crying all day at work. Then there were nights were I cried all night long. Most of the crying was triggered or all about those thoughts.

But I had a wonderful sage, in our therapist. He definitely helped me through most of the big nagging thoughts that I was having a hard time with. His advice was that most of my issues were in the form of those obsessive thoughts but had a lie under them.

For instance, the fact that my wife and the other had constant contact with each other really bothered me. I knew that they emailed, IMed, texted, and talked many many times all day long. I went back to one month of her cell phone bill and found that she had text messaged him over 550 times in one month. I would obsess over that. I would text my wife and then check my cell phone every minute until she would text back. Of course, immediately I would think of all the contacts that my wife and the other had and want to cry. Then my mind would only go in a downward spiral from there.

'Why doesn't she text me as much as she did to him? Was their relationship stronger/better/bigger than ours? Was he better at communicating than me? Did he do a better job of loving her? Maybe he really was better than me, better at most things and better at loving my wife than I could?

So, I tried at first to just fight those thoughts. I tried very hard not to think about them. In order to distract myself I would think of other things totally unrelated. This is very hard to do 2 months out from D-day (discovery day). And it doesn't work. Believe me when I tell you that I tried. It really only helped me to put off the eventual breakdown of crying, sobbing, and wailing that came when the downward spiral had run its course inside my head.

My sage had the only real technique that really worked. Behind most of these nagging type thoughts, was a lie. And that was always the case with me. If you go back to my inner thoughts above you can almost see the progression that leads to the lie. My insecurity was screaming out 'Am I really a good, lovable, person, better than the other? The lie that my flesh was wresting with was that if I was a 'good' person than the affair would not have happened. But that's not true. I certainly had culpability in the affair, but ultimately it was my wife's choice and not mine. And the amount of text messages that I got or didn't get from my wife after the affair was not an indication of our relationship. (for her the reverse is actually true, as she found herself rid of the obsessive thoughts of her other, she was able to focus on life and work and not being trapped in a sick world lived inside her head)

The other thing that helped me was journaling. In my case I used poetry instead of a true journal, but the same principal applies. I had so many thoughts/feelings/emotions/junk in my head it really did help to take out a notebook and jot some thoughts down. In the first three months after D-day I wrote over 50 poems. Not all good or even made sense, but they all helped in some way to get out a thought or feeling.

In hindsight, I still do have some thoughts. But the 'some' I have is like a trickle of rain for a few moments compared to the day long hurricane that came shortly after the discovery. Since I know that there is a lie behind them all (and have the emotional stability to boot) I can take the time to weed through each one, knowing that just because there is a random thought there, doesn't mean anything at all. I deal with the lie, fry it up in a poem, and move on.

Maybe Not....

Beautiful Song by Cat Power, when you read the lyrics I think it is amazing. I'll leave it up to your interpretation. And just listen to her voice. Music can be very healing....



Maybe Not: Cat Power

There's a dream that I see, I pray it can be
Look cross the land, shake this land
A wish or a command
I Dream that I see, don?t kill it, it's free
You?re just a man, you get what you can

We all do what we can
So we can do just one more thing
We can all be free
Maybe not in words
Maybe not with a look
But with your mind

Listen to me, don't walk that street
There's always an end to it
Come and be free, you know who I am
We're just living people

We won't have a thing
So we'd got nothing to lose
We can all be free
Maybe not with words
Maybe not with a look
But with your mind

You've got to choose a wish or command
At the turn of the tide, is withering thee
Remember one thing, the dream you can see
Pray to be, shake this land

We all do what we can
So we can do just one more thing
We won't have a thing
So we've got nothing to lose
We can all be free
Maybe not with words
Maybe with a look
But with your mind

But with your mind

How to Stop an Affair

How does one stop an affair, this is a question I've been wondering about. Many people would just say simply-you just stop. But it doesn't seem to be that simple. The affair and whatever you get from it is intoxicating and addictive and like many addictions, it is very hard to give up a habit on your own.

In my opinion, it seems like the only way to really truly end the affair is to be discovered. Sure, you might stop at some point on your own or because it was stopped by your "Other", but if it is not discovered and just ended by you, I think the baggage sticks with you. You still have everything still locked away inside you, this thing you did, this thing you had. Perhaps you are truly sorry and repentant, but its difficult to find forgiveness for something that is still kept secret.

And on the topic of secrets, secrets are poison. They change you and who you are a lot of times. How many people stop an affair and then spend their days trying to make it up to their unknowing spouse. Racked with guilt. That person becomes "the Spouse who had an affair" and I argue it changes the real you and it turns you into a ghost in your relationship.

A friend of mine recently found out her husband cheated on her many years ago and never told her. I was able to have a long conversation with him and he was telling me even though the affair stopped, the thought processes, the secrets and all that junk that goes with it was still in the head.

My response to him was to say that neither he nor his wife really knew who he was in their relationship. That the husband he was, was a husband that was keeping secrets and coping with baggage, not a free human be to live and grow and love.

This comes to a question I have. Do you tell someone about an affair, even if its over. Before I had committed my own adultery I would have said telling your spouse was selfish and only a tool to try to rid you of your guilt. Better to suffer in silence and not cause pain to your spouse.

I completely reversed my opinion on that after my own incident. I see now that keeping secrets and living in a marriage based on a huge lie is no way to live. Your marriage is a shadow of what it could be. I know if I had never told my husband and worked hard with him on coming to terms with why it happened and trying to forgive myself, I would have lived in our marriage as a ghost. And a marriage based on a lie has a sinkhole as its foundation. (Oddly, I always said if my spouse committed adultery, I wouldn't want to know. I didn't think I could forgive him. I sort of suck that way. lol!)

Of course I'm open to opposing opinions, but I'd like to hear mainly from people who are no longer in the affair. I think, for the most part, if you are still in the midst of your affair, that your judgement on these matters is off. But that is just based on my own experience. So if you had an affair in the past, did you tell the truth and if it was discovered, did you come clean with total transparency? (and when I say transparency, I don't mean all the nasty details, I mean disclosing all lies to your spouse).

A Year Ago Today...

Husband and I found each other amidst the chaos and trauma that swirled around us. We were lucky, as the storm fought to overturn us, there was a guide there. Like Jesus pulling Peter out of the tossing sea.

Our therapist helped tremendously in those first hours. I am being very serious when I tell you, find the right therapist and go there together ASAP. Those first hours are crucial.

And thankfully we survived and are strong and in love. A year ago today, I feel very much like my life was saved.

Is There Such Thing as a Soulmate?

This was the question that vexed me during the time I was "away" (which is how I refer to the period of my affair because I didn't live in my body, I was more like a robot than anything.) Was Other my soul mate? Was there such thing? I had never thought so, I didn't think there was just one person out there for me.

A year after I was married my best friend and I went to a psychic. She didn't say anything of much consequence to my bf besides telling her that she wasn't with her soul mate, that made her angry.

But when I went in she could tell I was married even though I was only 21 and had emeralds on my wedding finger, not anything that looked like a wedding band. She seemed to know that things were very bad at home. (I had spent the whole first year of my marriage crying in the bathroom because I still loved my ex-boyfriend and not my poor husband).

She looked at me with such kind eyes and promised me that it would get better. My eyes filled with tears...then she told me that I had married my soul mate, I scoffed in my head, knowing he was not. I disregarded most of what she said after that point. But little did I know.

I've always considered myself an Empath. Not to everyone, but to people who I chose to tune to, it was like I could feel them. Even when we weren't together. Mostly this worked against me because I would tune in to people who were somehow dark and twisted. And try as I did to heal and save them, I could not. Their darkness was always too great. I need to do a blog about the dark ones, the ones that I think opened me up and put some little black seed inside me long ago that took years to burst out of me in the form of an affair. There are many things I still have to write about.

But back to my connection, my Empathy. I ended up binding myself to the Other, I couldn't help it. At first I convinced myself I was trying to help him, I wanted to make his life better. But as time went on I saw that is was more a compulsion... and then an addiction.

I don't know how much detail I want to go in to- I still try to shield my Husband from all the details that he doesn't need to know. He knows all the facts, but he doesn't need to know word for word or have more things in his head about it than he needs to. So I'll probably save detail for a time when this event is further away from us. Its still pretty fresh and raw sometimes.

But I had a few eerie moments where it seemed like we were connected in some other worldly way, some unexplainable way. And I let my train of thought go to pondering if he was my soul mate. It made it less my fault if it was some cosmic absolute that I wouldn't have been able to escape from if I wanted to. It was my way to deflect my blame and let me continue on my path with him.

After the discovery it seemed like I was instantly free and cut free from him. I quit being aware of where he was and what he was doing every minute of the day. I stopped having the conversations with him in my head like I always seemed to be doing. And I stopped feeling him.

Suddenly I was bound and feeling my husband. But not to the extent that Husband was feeling me, something that he had never experienced in his life. Here are some examples.

The first one was a few days after the discovery. I was at work and trying to purge the email address of the Other from my work computer as well as block him from emailing me. Something happened and for the briefest of moments I thought I had emailed him accidentally. I panic, my heart shot out of my chest and I was terrified.

20 seconds later I got a text message from Husband asking me what was wrong. He felt it and he was freaked out. He was in a training all day so he couldn't call me, but I was panicked to explain what happened and let him know that I didn't do anything and had not intended to anything. But... Husband felt my panic, from over 200 miles away.

The other time I remember very vividly was when I journaling about the discovery. This was a few weeks after everything. I was writing the awful details and moving through a whole host of awful uncomfortable emotions.

excerpt from journal- Sept 29th, 2007

...Finally when the night came so did my tears at the thought of me sleeping separate from Husband. I finally was allowed to lay on the floor beside him and although he was filled with hurt and anger-

(Husband just called. He's not doing well. I think he picked up on what I was writing. His feelings started as I started writing... then he tried to write what he was feeling and it only made him feel worse.

He really seems to feel me now, sense me. And I worry because mostly I am numb. I think my subconscious is holding everything at bay because it knows it will crush me.)

I am skipping to the good stuff now. Just know there was tremendous hurt and I was the cause.

Then we walked into the office of our therapist, a christian counselor, and told him our troubles. Something about him, his kind face, concerned eyes and soothing voice calmed the storm in Husband.

(Husband just called again. he felt suddenly better and asked if I was writing still. I laughed and said yes but the good stuff. He said he could tell)

Weird, huh? Maybe coincidence. But get this one. This next one will freak you out.

I'm a vivid dreamer and am prone to nightmares. One night I had a dream about everyone's eyes turning black. I don't remember this dream, but Husband tells me I woke and told him about it during the night.

A few nights later I had another dream. This time I had a dream that Husband's eyes were turning black, there was an oil like darkness seeping across the pupils to blot out his sight and possess him with demons. I had to fight the blackness by repeating phrases from the bible constantly. I woke up freaked out and told husband about it.

It was probably later that day that he sat me down and told me he had to tell me something. Every time he does that I am stricken and the blood drains from my face. Even still, almost a year later.

He told me that the Other had a blog that he found and that he had been looking at it. He said that the night I had my first dream was the day he looked at the Other's blog and the picture of the Other had his eyes blacked out. He told me this had worried him, that he thought I was somehow still connected to the Other.

Then he told me the night I had my second dream was the next time he looked at the blog and that this time the eyes had black running down his face and coming out his mouth-it said the picture was horrible, dark and scary.

He said that it hadn't been a recent blog post from the Other, it had been a few days old, so he determined it wasn't the Other I was connected to, but to him and what he was seeing that was bothering him. Both times he'd looked at it, that night I dreamed about the blackness taking over the eyes. But the second time it was Husbands eyes.

This freaked me out on more than one level. But more than anything I took the warning from my dream and told him that he MUST NOT go to his blog ever again. I deeply feel it was a warning.

So in the end of all of this... perhaps there is such a thing as a soul mate. Perhaps the psychic was right about us. Regardless, I do know there is such thing as a God Intended Mate because I feel strongly that husband and I are, at the very least, that. But probably much much more. I just never opened myself to see or feel it.

p.s. to those who have emailed me, I'm a little behind. Please check your email, I am responding.

Being Deliberate in Your Marriage

After the discovery of my affair, and the subsequent salvation of my marriage, I found myself having to be very deliberate in my communication and interactions with my husband.

Self awareness is very important during these times, knowing what is going on in your head and why and then sharing it is integral in the healing process. How often do we act out, react to something in anger when deep down we know there is something at the root of us that makes us act this way? Some undiscovered hurt? I know I've been guilty of it.

For instance if your partner says something to you that hurts you, instead of reacting with anger and accusations which would escalate the issues, why not peel back that layer of the onion and see whats there. Tell your partner what hurt you and why. As we tell our children, "Use your words".

Communications is often the first thing that breaks down in a marriage. Communication is like the oil in the car, as it runs low you aren't necessarily aware. But then strange things start happening, other things start breaking... then the car can't run. And pretty soon you killed the engine. But I don't know enough about cars to make a good car analogy.

But I think I can do walls.

Walls

We as people build little walls around ourselves, we use them to hide, to keep us safe from arrows and protect our secrets. Its a pretty little wall and we've become so used to it that we don't even notice it anymore, it becomes part of our natural landscape.

Then one day we're patrolling our wall and we see someone, we think we know them-it may look like our significant other, but we're not sure. In the light it sort of looks like the punk kid who wrote profanity on the wall a year ago. So we think, 'better safe than sorry' and just shoot random, poorly aimed arrows before they have a chance to hurt the wall.

And maybe they're just loitering. They are standing there, minding their own business. But they look like they could be up to something. So you go for the hot oil and pour it down the wall. Before they know it, they're burning with hot oil and they have no idea why.

But you do. You know that you're just afraid they are going to break down your wall, find you and hurt you.

What you should do instead of pouring that oil or throwing rocks, is lower the drawbridge and let them in. Show them the raw core of you. You may be surprised.

In times when you find yourself ready to fire off the verbal arrow-stop. Spend a moment dissecting it, figure out what is at the root of your reaction and then put it out there simply and honestly. It saves time and heartache and it hurts a hell of a lot less than hot oil.

What I'm really saying is to cut the bullshit and get to the point about your feelings. Don't mask them or transfer them or act out because of them. Own them, then throw them out there and move on with your life.

Family & Friends and Your Wall

Sometimes its not your spouse outside your wall, its your family friends or even just society. They're out there shaking their pitchforks and waving their torches and yelling at you to keep guarding the wall and not to dare let down that drawbridge.

You sit up there knowing you want nothing more than to let someone in, but you're afraid you'll look weak. You wonder what the mob would think, who cares what they'd say. But you know what, who cares? Let me ask you, who do you live your life for? And who should you live your life for? Think about that. If you were true to the core of yourself, what would you do?

In a relationship that has suffered adultery, when the victim decides to stay with their cheating spouse, they are met with confusion and skepticism from their friends and family. How many times have you heard "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Do a Google search, you'll get a gazillion responses with people making this statement.

Your friends and family are often not supportive of rescuing the marriage. They have righteous anger for the wrong you suffered. They don't understand that although they can be angry and hurt for you, they also need to be supportive and understanding of your need to try to save your marriage.

During those initial days after the discovery its so important for you to be strong in what you want, and not let them sway you. You probably are having those same thoughts and feelings on your own, moving up and down in the storm of your emotions. But at the heart of you, you want to fight for your marriage. And so you should, because it is better to have tried to save your marriage than to lose because you didn't bother to fight.

That is primarily what this blog has become. I started to try to process and come to terms with what I did. But now we just want it to be a place people can go to get hope and encouragement as they work on their marriage.

Making the Choice to Save Your Marriage

I've been reading another blogger who recently went through her discovery. I linked to mine so you can know what I mean by discovery. I didn't link to her because she's going through so much, I'm not sure she'd want more people looking at her turmoil and I'm not certain she'll keep blogging. Talking with her through comments, and reading her other comments has made me think of all sorts of things.

In those moments of the discovery it is imperative to make the right choice, and the right choice for your family. As much as we are pro saving your marriage here, I know that not all marriages should be saved. Believe me, I know this. But, with the exception of emotionally/physically abusive relationships, I think that the right thing to do is to at least try.

And why not try? What else do you have to lose by trying? You have so much to lose by giving up and letting it all end.

I knew if everything came out and if I lost my husband, it would be the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I could see myself as an old woman looking back at my life and knowing that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I knew that I would be miserable.

When I was sitting in the office with the counselor that day after the Discovery, he asked me what I wanted. A whole host of things flew through my head. I thought about the Other, the connections we had, how badly I wanted to be married to someone I was in love with. I wanted to be free to be in love. But that wasn't really the right answer. If I was truly objective the answer would be that I wanted to love my husband desperately.

So when he asked me, I said, "in a perfect world, I'd love my husband."

I'm sorry I cannot really explain what happened in those next moments. I can't explain how I fell in love suddenly. Love that I had never felt before. This is where it is a bit different for me than many others. I started with Husband knowing I didn't love him like that. But content to be with my friend and feeling like I'd never love anyone. It wasn't me settling, it was me making a choice to pick someone I knew would make a great husband, friend and father. I thought that would be enough, but it wasn't.

Many people who marry have been in love with their spouse at some point. There was something there that drew you to each other. Over the years you lose so much of yourself. Love is replaced with resentment and apathy. Pretty soon you're a stranger to each other.

But if you opened yourself up, opened your life and your heart and all the secrets in your soul to your spouse, and your spouse to you... you could begin again. You could start new and build something beautiful from your broken marriage.

If you were the betrayer, like I was, that choice of fighting isn't so much in your control. You are at the mercy of your spouse to decide if they can bear to be with you anymore. But, in those moments you could chose complete an total honesty. You can be fully open with them and do everything you can do to convince them you want to get help for your marriage.

I just hate seeing people give up. Seeing people who know there is something broken in their marriage and that they don't love their spouse, decide it is too late. Sometimes its not too late.

I had no reason to fight, I knew I never loved him, what would make me think that would change? And we'd had so many fights over the years, so many hurtful pointless patterns we fell in to. They hadn't changed in 10 years of marriage, why would they change now?

But they did, fully and completely change. When something so awful happens your whole life goes through an enormous change and you have no choice but to adapt, to kick through the water to the surface, take that deep shuttering first breath and make for the nearest shore.

Keep swimming, swim until your arms give out. And if you don't make it, if you sink into the water and drowned, well, at least you know you gave it everything you had. You tried your best. You can move on and make the best of your after-life. But, please, at least try to make for land.

Kings and Queens in Exile

So often, especially after a tragedy in our life, we cry out "why, why me God" These feelings, especially after a betrayal by your loved one, strikes us to the core.

For those still stuck, it may seem quite the opposite. Thoughts may be
'why am I stuck here and not with the Other?'
'why did I not meet the Other, until too late in life?'

It strikes us in our heart, because this is not the way life is supposed to be. Life is supposed to be better and our heart and souls know this to be true.

The 17th century philosopher, Pascal, writes:

Man is so great that his greatness appears even in knowing himself to be miserable. A tree has no sense of its misery. It is true that to know we are miserable is to be miserable; but to know we are miserable is also to be great. Thus all the miseries of man prove his grandeur; they are the miseries of a dignified personage, the miseries of a dethroned monarch…What can this incessant craving, and this impotence of attainment mean, unless there was once a happiness belonging to man, of which only the faintest traces remain, in that void which he attempts to fill with everything within his reach?

The void that is there, the misery that we feel so often in this life should not be something to dwell on. No, it should push us onward, knowing full well that the life we seek is so much more than what we have in hand. The life we seek is of a King or Queen. It is to return to the time in the Garden of Eden. To commune with God and be in his presence is what our heart seeks. And that has been lost.

John Eldredge, in The Journey of Desire writes:

Should the king in exile pretend he is happy there? Should he not seek his own country? His miseries are his ally; they urge him on. And so let them grow, if need be. But do not forsake the secret of life; do not despise those kingly desires. We abandon the most important journey of our lives when we abandon desire. We leave our hearts by the side of the road and head off in the direction of fitting in, getting by, being productive, what have you. Whatever we might gain - money, position, the approval of others, or just to get away from the discontent itself - its not worth it.

"What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world and lose his own soul?" (Matt 16:26).

GO now and seek your country. You may be lost, but not forgotten. God desires you and of all things, your heart. That's it. That's all he really wants. Return to the King of Kings and you shall have everything that God intends you to have in life; Joy, Happiness, Mercy, Grace, Forgiveness, and most importantly of all LOVE.

The Storm that Comes: Higher Power's Role Saving your Marriage

We talk a lot about God here, and since we are of the Christian faith we write from that perspective. But I think a lot of what we say can be translated across all faiths, all people, and everyone searching for something more.

I've been thinking a lot about something I heard in church. The story in Matthew (14:22-36) of Peter in the boat with the other apostles. There was a huge storm, they were terrified and thought they were going to die. Then Jesus comes walking across the water. Peter calls to him and Jesus tells him to come to him. Peter steps out onto the water and begins to to go Jesus but as a wind sweeps across him he gets fearful and starts to sink. As he sinks he cries for help and its not till he is sinking that Jesus grabs him and pulls him up, chiding him for his lack of faith.

I see this story in reference to affairs. I think the affair is the storm that rocks your boat and makes you feel like you might die, regardless of your other emotions. And often, as will happen, it is discovered. The discovery is the moments you are sinking into the water, certain that you will be swallowed up by a sea of horrors. But, that is the time to call out for the higher power.

Your marriage is about to drowned and you are at your wits end, fearful and ready to die. Calling out, reaching up for a higher power to pull you and your spouse to safety might just save your marriage. Your higher power gives you a vehicle to unload your baggage and carry you through the emotional twists and turns, hills and valleys that come with the aftermath of an affair. Because you have this vehicle you know you will reach your destination more safely and timely than if you were trying to walk the road alone. And if you have your spouse in the car with you, trying to help you navigate, taking turns at the wheel, it is that much easier.

You have to be on your knees, knowing everything is about to end in order to shed off the old scars and decide to be reborn in your marriage.

If you are sinking right now, reach out for help. Now is the time to act, and if its not through a higher power, then find a professional. Actually we strongly believe that a professional is a great way to have an unbiased, third party, help you and both of you along this journey. Even though we felt God beside us during our journey, our therapist, our sage, was there as well giving us timely advice and help. Because time is precious, those first moments after the discovery, while you're sinking into the darkness, those are the most important moments. That was the moment when I made the right decision and spoke aloud the words that would save my marriage, and I was graciously given that which I requested. You can too. Miracles do happen.

Finding Home

Through all my years of marriage, nothing ever felt like home. And even more, everything always felt temporary. In our first 10 years of marriage we lived in 11 different apartments in 6 different cities in 3 different states. I always thought I was looking for an adventure, that we needed some great cause or some great excitement in our life. But I was very wrong, I can see this now.

I now know that I could never find home anywhere because home is inside of you. The hole in my marriage left me feeling like something was always missing. I just didn't put two and two together and realize it was pointless searching for a home when I wasn't at home in my marriage.

Now that everything is different I feel very much at home, even though I know the apartment I live in is temporary. I am at home here and at home in my marriage because of my new love for my husband. My wanderlust is gone. What a relief.

Adventure

So, last week I had a setback (you can read here) and then this weekend I had an epiphany. I was working and just zoned out enough to pay attention to the job, when it hit me. The reason I'm still looking for/yearning for is the adventure.

See, Eldredge (I know, I know - I should start a fan club- but he's almost that good) speaks of adventure. Its universal, both men and women seek something bigger than ourselves. We yearn to be a part of something much larger than our mundane life. That's why guys root on 'thier' team. See its not just a game. Its much much bigger than that. Football is like the gladiator of our times. As a fan you get to be a part of that.

My best friend is a HUGE Boston Red Sox fan. Huge. He lives his life as a fan. He buys the baseball cable package every year and out of the 150 or so games they will play in a year he will watch about 100 of them. We have traveled around the country to see them play (Milwaukee, Detroit, Chicago, and of course Boston) He buys new hats, shirts, and whatnot all the time. He reads about them and watches highlights--even after watching the entire game. When they lose he gets mad, throws things, and is generally disagreable for a day or so. When they win, high fives all around!!! He has been known on many occasions to start conversations with complete strangers (old, young, male, or female) on the off chance that because they have a 'B' on their hat, they are as a devote fan as him.

The point is that he isn't just a fan of some dumb game, he identifies with them. He is part of the Red Sox Nation, as they like to call themselves. He gets to be a small part, of something much bigger than himself. He is a Red Sox, even if just a fan.

We all need that. The problem is that God has an adventure for us, and we lie to ourselves if we feel that it is a bit part. We can not be the guy holding the shovel, in the back row while William Wallace gives his speech in the movie that is our life. It is our life. We are the star and God wants us to step up and get in that role. We are center stage in a great adventure with God as the director and us as the main character. I know that I myself need to really flesh this out and find out what/where God is directing me, but at least I know can say that I am ready for it and yearning for it.