Constant Vigelance!

The cry of Mad Eye Moody to never let your guard down is one of my favorite little quotes to say. When fighting darkness and evil you must always be on your guard, ready to fight, expect the unexpected. But I think it rings true for those us who stayed married and are survivors of an affair-the ones that feel like we're mostly happy but, as all things do, things crop up and bring us down. Bring our marriage down, distract us from one another.

Husband and I have been crabbing lately, though by his account I'm the one crabbing. But hey, I haven't slept a full night in 18 months (thanks to a beautiful little girl) and I'm tired. And being sleep deprived makes you pretty crazy. I need to work on her sleep, but first I needed to work on our marriage. Because, even though we survived the unsurvivable- we can still harm our relationship and still get lost to each other.

I think those of us who survived and came out happier in our relationship take for granted that marriage can take so much work. Because, dude- we survived! If we survived that, what could harm us? But that is false security. Constant Vigilance my friends! We must still always be cognoscente of our feelings, of being honest and open, of admitting our wrongs and working to make things right and of just taking the time to stop, look at each other and work through the kinks that arise. Failure to do so... well, lets just say lets not even let that happen.

So- there you go. I haven't blogged in awhile but just wanted to remind you all not to stop working on your marriage, on yourself - don't get comfortable and let your guard down or else you might find yourself one unhappy muggle.

Lies, and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them

The biggest mistake that I think us victims make is to personalize the betrayal.

"Its my fault! Why did I let this happen? If only... If I would have just..."

Even though by nature (and in large part my chosen profession) I am a problem solver, I quickly became a victim and all the junk that came with it. For months after the affair I had all those thoughts plus some I won't share over and over again, playing like the only country music station in the entire radio dial. "If you don't like this country song, my mind would say, here's another 10 stations all playing the same song just for you."

This lie behind all these thoughts are that your significant other betrayed you because of who you are or something you did. It is a lie. Those are all bold faced lies meant to keep you in a place of anger, hurt, and pain.

The truth is that affairs happen in the entire spectrum of marriage with no regard for money, social status, communication, sex, or a level of "happiness"

With that said you may have played a small part in the betrayal but it still was not your fault. I know that I did.

The analogy I like to use is that my wife got into a car accident. It hurt alot of people and was mostly her and the others fault but I was a contributing factor. I didn't keep the tires on her car properly inflated. I let her drive on really worn brakes. There were also warning signs that she was a wreckless driver that I ignored and a cry for help as well.
But she still chose to get into the car and was at fault for the accident.

Afterwords, I spent WAY too much time blaming myself. Way too much time was wasted trying to accept and place blame. I soon reverted back to my teenage year of being a victim with no control of my life.

That turned out to be the furthest thing from the truth. As the victim, my wife turned to me for guidance along the journey. Our counselor told us that I was the barometer of the relationship. As I healed, Scarlet found it ok to move on the the next phase as well.

If you are stuck in this phase, know that it is just a phase of the aftermath of the affair. But please don't focus on it. When these thoughts come into your head just say 'that's a lie and all lies come from the devil'
Say a prayer "In Jesus Christ's name I command you and this lie to leave. Jesus I invite you to come into my heart where the lie once was and heal me in that place.

Believe me when I say that I did this one a regular basis for a good part of a year and it does work. It is something I still do when I catch the lies sneaking back into my thoughts. The more I ask Jesus to come and truly invite him into my heart the closer I feel to him and the more peace I feel in my life.

Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you."

Matthew 11:29 "... learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls ..."

Which wolf will you feed today?

Here is an Cherokee tale of two wolves:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Its true. See we all have free will. We all get to do whatever we want, think about whatever we want, and make our own little world inside our minds. Sometimes our minds become little prisons that we feel we can't escape.

I'd say for the first 3-4 months after I found about my wife's affair, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I feed myself a plate of misery, hurt, pain, and anger on a daily basis. But then I realized that I had a choice to make.

I was able to picture myself 10 years from now and I saw two Ean's. The first one put on a mask for work, friends, and others, but inside was a wreck. He would turn to other things for any kind of escape. Work, sports, alcohol, movies, books, and probably greed in order to try and drown out the pain from being betrayed.

Or I could not. I could, in fact, choose joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. And that's what I did.

I forgave my wife. And I mean really forgave her. I choose first to forgive. I didn't "feel" like I had forgiven her and I felt, at times, that I shouldn't. There were even times were I had wished I hadn't. But I did. I choose to forgive her and THEN the feeling of forgiveness came to me. I feed the right wolf and keep feeding it and it grew more and the other wolf died.

And let me tell you that other wolf did not go down without a fight. I would have visions of telling my wife off. Telling her all of the things that I wanted to really say. All of the things that were inside my head of how she really hurt me. And when I started those visions, it really seemed like a wolf inside of me growing and taking over. That anger would come and the pain would come and so would the tears.

Don't feed that wolf. When that wolf comes 'round, tell it to go away. The devil will use whatever tricks he can to get you to live a life of anger and hate and focus on the betrayal. But we do have free will. As much as your hurting and full of just 'junk' inside you (believe me I know), you still get to choose which wolf to feed.

I promise you that if you feed the wolf of joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith that your life will get better. I have chosen the path that God laid out for me and have not looked back. That wolf still comes around once in a while and entices me with his old tricks, but he knows that he has no power over me. That 'junk' that once filled every second of every day is still there once in a blue moon but it is like a anthill compared to the rocky mountains that it once was.

Matthew 6:21-23 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness."

Must see Webinar this Sunday at 8pm EST

We love to help as many people as possible but we also know that there are many more and better sites out there for people. This is one of them. This webinar will pull together many of the leading experts in the field together, most have been through an affair themselves.

Please watch, as it looks to us that this webinar is put on to help people, and not sell anything.

-Ean

Below is the letter from www.affairrecovery.com :

My inbox is full of nothing but pain. Email after email reflects the turmoil and confusion of those who have been betrayed. If you're getting this email, I know you understand what I'm talking about.

More needs to be done. So we're networking with other leaders in the field in hopes of providing what you need. Sunday evening, February 22ndth at 8:00 PM EST, I'll be joining a panel of experts on a teleconference sponsored by the Affair Recovery Center to address issues specifically for betrayed spouses.

Joining me on the call will be:

• Rick Reynolds, founder of The Affair Recovery Center
• Anne Bercht, author of "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me"
• John Haney and Leslie Hardie, authors of Harboring Hope
• Mona Shriver of Hope & Healing Ministries, Inc. and co-author of "Unfaithful"
• Joe Beam, president of Love Path International

If you're interested in getting answers to some of the hard questions, then I hope you'll join our event.

http://www.AffairRecovery.com/ft/arc

But that's not even the best part, over the next three weeks Harboring Hope is giving away multiple resources for those of you who have been betrayed. This is in preparation for the reopening of the Harboring Hope course.

Please take advantage of their free resources. You'll find them to be relevant and practical. Join their Harboring Hope preregistration list to take advantage of their bonus materials. You don't have to buy a thing just take advantage of the gift.

http://www.AffairRecovery.com/ft/arc

You'll be getting a follow-up email asking what questions you'd like to have answered during the teleconference. Give serious thought to what your questions might be and join us for this ground-breaking event.

Best regards,

Rick

P.S. I know you get hit with "offers" every day.
Well, this isn't one of them. There is nothing for sale at this teleseminar.
4131 Spicewood Springs Road, Suite K-1, Austin, TX 78759, USA

Where is God during the affair and afterwords?

So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other way about—He is looking for us. - Simon Tugwell

Read that quote, just one more time (for my sake, please ;)

So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other way about—He is looking for us. - Simon Tugwell

Wow, we sit around wondering where is God? Where is God in all of our pain, suffering and why did He let this happen to ME!!! I know, I've been there. I was so there after the discovery of my wife's affair; so angry at God, so angry that the same God who created the heavens, the earth, creatures of every kind and size, and miracles everywhere would let something SO bad, awefull, painful, and heartbreaking to happen to me. I felt betrayed by God. He could have stopped it, He could have put one finger up and it never would have happened.

But there is so much more to the story that I see now. See, God wants us and our hearts. But he wants them unconditionally. He doesn't want to go around and create miracles and bless you, just so you will look up and notice him, and only THEN decide to give him your heart. He wants you but not only because He can do things for you, on demand. See, He is like any other lover looking for the heart of the loved one. We want love at first sight (or miracle) but God wants everlasting love. And He has been looking for it all of your life.

Once I had forgiven my wife for her part in the affair, I was then free to experience Gods love. And I felt it. I mean really felt it in my life. God is an internal God, one of the heart. And we keep looking for God in miracles and the external world. He's there, but not as much as you want Him to be.

See we want, Quid pro quo, tit for tat, something in exchange for something. "I will believe in you, if you .... fill in the blank. God doesn't want that. This isn't McDonalds. "I want one holy life, riches beyond compare, minus the backbreaking work, oh and one giant miracle right now. Then I will believe in you, God. Did you get all that, God?"

He wants us for no other reason than He is who He is. That's all.

Believe me, God wants you and is searching for you. But this world holds so much more than you can see, feel, touch and taste that sometimes we miss most of it. We miss God gently nudging us to do give in and experience the fullness of life. So, know that God wants you and your heart. It really is quite backwards I know, but its there for the taking.

Matt 22:35 One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment.

An Interesting Study About Why Men Cheat.

This week I read an article about why men cheat, it despelled the age old idea that men cheat for physical/sexual gratification and women are the ones who cheat for emotional reasons. The researcher said almost all of the research was based on the wives reports on their husbands cheating, so they asked the men and here is what they found.

48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.

So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about physical intimacy: Only 8 percent of men said that physical dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity.

That little percentage surprised me. It reminded me of the book I'm reading called Adultery, by Louise DeSalvo. She had this to say, its not completely related, but it still made me think of this. She talks about how she was before she met her husband, wild, passionate, crazy and sexy. Then they got married and she changed, became responsible, made casseroles and cookies and had babies and took care of babies. But she wasn't who he married.

This to me sounds like the story of many women. They throw themselves away to provide and give and care for everyone but themselves. Their essence disappears. She felt this was a factor that contributed to her husband having an affair, but I think this could have just as easily contributed to her having one. Because you start to miss yourself, and when you find someone that you feel sees you-really sees you, and you start feeling like your old self again...well that is the beginning. Or in my unresearched opinion it is.

Now back to the study.

66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.

40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.

Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife

I found this particularly interesting, and it was also true for me too. My Other wasn't nearly as good looking as Husband. I guess that lends to the whole, "its not about sex" thing.

In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void

Only 6% of cheating men had physical intimacy with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.

Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated.

So, there is time to see the signs. Time for fixing. My hope is that maybe there is some way for me to help stop those who are walking down the path of adultery, if that is possible. Duh, its possible, but the straying party needs to want to stop and in my opinion the part of them that doesn't want to stop is stronger than the voice screaming in their head to stop. But that is why stopping the affair ASAP is like jumping into a cold lake, you just close your eyes, run, and jump-you have to tell the truth. The alternative is much more painful.

SO if you suspect, most likely the offending party will deny it. Maybe not. But just keep asking them what is wrong with your relationship, what can you do to fix things, keep fighting.

And if you feel yourself straying, please see there is something wrong with you, or something wrong with your spouse, or more likely, something wrong with both of you. Make them listen, make them understand in any way you can. Find the old you, find the old them, and put those two together again. That is who came together in the first place.