Its all so very tiring. I am tired. And wow, I've forgotten how a new baby will so quickly throw your marriage into the backseat. Its hard. I am disconnected and a bit discontent with life- mostly with being tired and wishing I could work part time. But such is life.
Its been 2.5 years since the Big Bad and I still will think about it. Still. I don't go into fetal position from my self loathing anymore, but it gives me pause and makes me wonder if I will ever be truly free. Oh the little attacks our mind springs on us, how cruel they are.
I have been reading Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge- it really does speak to the heart of a women. I think we all should read it.
"Why do so few women have anything close to a life of romance? Loneliness and emptiness are far more common themes-so entirely common that most women buried their longs for romance long ago and are now living merely to survive, get through the week. And its not just romance- Why are most of the relationships of women fraught with hardship? Their friendships, their families, their best friends all seem to have come down with a sort of virus that makes them fundamentally unavailable, leaving a women lonely at the end of the day. Even when relationships are good, its never enough. Where does this bottomless pit in us come from?
And women are tired. We are drained. But it's not from a life of shared adventures. No, weariness of women comes from lives that are crammed with routine, with chores, with hundreds of demands. As Chekov says, 'Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day to day living that wears you out.' Somehow, somewhere between our youth and yesterday, efficiency has taken the place of adventure. Most women do not feel they are playing an irreplaceable role in a great Story. Oh, no. We struggle to know if we matter at all. If we are at home, we feel ashamed we don't have a "real life" in the outside world. We are swallowed by laundry. If we have a career, we feel as though we are missing out on more important matters like marriage and children. We are swallowed by meetings."
Captivating - page 44-45
This passage really spoke to me. And I bet it speaks to many of you too. Allowing ourselves to get sucked down and dragged into feeling so ...alone- that is part of what leads us down the unforgivable path. How do we insulate ourselves? How do we tell our partners that feeling this way deadens our souls? And how do we fight it? Well, I guess I'll just have to keep reading :)
I don't really have a conclusion, just wanted to offer this passage up as something to think about.
Take care and keep on fighting for your marriage
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2 comments:
"Self-loathing" from the "Big Bad"? That's being a little hard on yourself, don't you think? I'm sure you had your reasons for doing what you did, and I'll bet you didn't loathe yourself at the time. The point is, it's okay for you to feel remorse for your affair, but don't let society make you think you committed the worst sin ever. You didn't. Like I say, you had your reasons.
I don't feel the self loathing anymore- but it still stabs at me. I know it wasn't the worst sin ever... but is the worst sin I've ever - I think the worst part was that I couldn't fix it. Im a fixer and it drove me nearly insane because I couldn't think a way out of what happened.
I didn't really have reasons for what I did. The whole thing really lacked reasoning, it was very ... I don't know. All very strange. I think I had influences in my life that lent to it happening.
Anyway, I need to check out more of your blog so I understand more of where you are coming from.
thanks for stopping by
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