Things here are really good except that as I neared the 2 year mark I kept thinking about it-and I'm pretty sure that this October is when my Other said he was going to come to my city and kill himself as a warped attempt to right his wrongs... Husband called him about his intention about 2 years ago and I really hope he changed his mind, I believe he did. Husband told him that the death plan wasn't a plan or wish from God. Husband is really quite amazing.
But I still find myself holding my breath until October is over. Its like, if I survive Oct I survived it all without becoming a casualty that will end up on a LifeTime Television for Women movie. Know what I mean?
Aside from my paranoia, which may or may not be partly hormonal, I'm doing well. I guess... I still think about having a panic word with my neighbor and what I will do if I show up and find the Other in my home or workplace. I have moved, changed my numbers, become unlisted. I try to be invisible as much as I can. But you can always find someone if you want to enough.
Oh well, life goes on and for the most part life is really good and really blessed. God would not have saved me from my wretchedness to just cast me into a dark pit, I just need to trust in God and have faith in God that he will continue to forgive, love and protect me.
Wow, two posts in one day-amazing!
And now, Tracy Chapman- Unsung Psalm
Friday, October 9, 2009
Time of Renewal
I haven't blogged in a long time, but not for lack of wanting to. I've been pregnant, my job has been insanely busy and we just moved into a new house over the summer. Not to mention that I had our daughter two weeks ago.
She was born on 9/25/09 at 9:25am. On 9/18/07 my husband confronted me over my transgression, on 9/19/07, during a session with a wonderful therapist, my eyes opened and I suddenly fell in love with my husband-and he chose to keep me. On 9/21/08 Husband and I renewed our vows and were baptized for the first time. As you can see, the second to last week of September is a very exciting and renewing time for us.
I may have said this before, I had to take meds to conceive my other two, so when I ended up pregnant with my third, my girl- and by accident AND she was due right around the time when the Big Bad happened, and our Renewal-it was quite exciting.
Anyway, baby is fussing now. I just wanted to leave an update, she's perfect and beautiful and the first baby we had that was conceived in total love :)
She was born on 9/25/09 at 9:25am. On 9/18/07 my husband confronted me over my transgression, on 9/19/07, during a session with a wonderful therapist, my eyes opened and I suddenly fell in love with my husband-and he chose to keep me. On 9/21/08 Husband and I renewed our vows and were baptized for the first time. As you can see, the second to last week of September is a very exciting and renewing time for us.
I may have said this before, I had to take meds to conceive my other two, so when I ended up pregnant with my third, my girl- and by accident AND she was due right around the time when the Big Bad happened, and our Renewal-it was quite exciting.
Anyway, baby is fussing now. I just wanted to leave an update, she's perfect and beautiful and the first baby we had that was conceived in total love :)
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Sorry for being MIA
I haven't blogged in FOREVER. I'm really sorry, I am still thinking and praying for all of you who have communicated with me this past year.
Things are really hectic and busy, I think I posted that Husband and I got pregnant and baby number three will likely come exactly 2 years after the discovery and our recovery. 1 year after our vow renewal and baptism. 12 years after being married and 2 years after falling in love. :) This one is a girl and I can't wait to meet her. My official date is Oct 1 but because I am having a repeat C Section it will be a week or two earlier-I'm hoping it will happen on the date of our renewal but I'm nervous it will be schedule for the same date of the discovery. In a sense it would take that day back...but I'd rather it be a different day.
We also moved from our shoebox into a new house. Its beautiful and in a great neighborhood but has some things that need to be fixed before baby comes, so its been hectic. Add to that the fact I blew up my computer- and I'm serious, there was smoke and everything and the fact that my job is so hectic and crazy... we'll blogging time has been very limited.
Anyway, one thing I discovered while packing everything up was that all those yuck emotions and memories of the other and what happened came back to me. This move was the last thing for me to get away from the old memories and worries. The other knew where I lived and I lived with the constant fear in the back of my mind that I would come home one day and find him there waiting. Moving would free me from this, but it also made me aware of it which led to thinking about it which led to feelings of yuck.
I am now unlisted, my address is different and those are the last two things I've been waiting for to stop being fearful. I still have some little worries, the Other threatened to do something drastic in my hometown...soon... so I know as fall approaches I will be thinking of this and will breath a sigh of relief when it doesn't happen. Because I have faith it won't, I have faith God will step in and stop it. I actually pray that the Other has found love and happiness and not just so I don't worry but because I think he could use it as well.
Well, I was kind of all over the place here, sorry. I just wanted to explain my silence.
Things are really hectic and busy, I think I posted that Husband and I got pregnant and baby number three will likely come exactly 2 years after the discovery and our recovery. 1 year after our vow renewal and baptism. 12 years after being married and 2 years after falling in love. :) This one is a girl and I can't wait to meet her. My official date is Oct 1 but because I am having a repeat C Section it will be a week or two earlier-I'm hoping it will happen on the date of our renewal but I'm nervous it will be schedule for the same date of the discovery. In a sense it would take that day back...but I'd rather it be a different day.
We also moved from our shoebox into a new house. Its beautiful and in a great neighborhood but has some things that need to be fixed before baby comes, so its been hectic. Add to that the fact I blew up my computer- and I'm serious, there was smoke and everything and the fact that my job is so hectic and crazy... we'll blogging time has been very limited.
Anyway, one thing I discovered while packing everything up was that all those yuck emotions and memories of the other and what happened came back to me. This move was the last thing for me to get away from the old memories and worries. The other knew where I lived and I lived with the constant fear in the back of my mind that I would come home one day and find him there waiting. Moving would free me from this, but it also made me aware of it which led to thinking about it which led to feelings of yuck.
I am now unlisted, my address is different and those are the last two things I've been waiting for to stop being fearful. I still have some little worries, the Other threatened to do something drastic in my hometown...soon... so I know as fall approaches I will be thinking of this and will breath a sigh of relief when it doesn't happen. Because I have faith it won't, I have faith God will step in and stop it. I actually pray that the Other has found love and happiness and not just so I don't worry but because I think he could use it as well.
Well, I was kind of all over the place here, sorry. I just wanted to explain my silence.
--
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Lies, and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them
The biggest mistake that I think us victims make is to personalize the betrayal.
"Its my fault! Why did I let this happen? If only... If I would have just..."
Even though by nature (and in large part my chosen profession) I am a problem solver, I quickly became a victim and all the junk that came with it. For months after the affair I had all those thoughts plus some I won't share over and over again, playing like the only country music station in the entire radio dial. "If you don't like this country song, my mind would say, here's another 10 stations all playing the same song just for you."
This lie behind all these thoughts are that your significant other betrayed you because of who you are or something you did. It is a lie. Those are all bold faced lies meant to keep you in a place of anger, hurt, and pain.
The truth is that affairs happen in the entire spectrum of marriage with no regard for money, social status, communication, sex, or a level of "happiness"
With that said you may have played a small part in the betrayal but it still was not your fault. I know that I did.
The analogy I like to use is that my wife got into a car accident. It hurt alot of people and was mostly her and the others fault but I was a contributing factor. I didn't keep the tires on her car properly inflated. I let her drive on really worn brakes. There were also warning signs that she was a wreckless driver that I ignored and a cry for help as well.
But she still chose to get into the car and was at fault for the accident.
Afterwords, I spent WAY too much time blaming myself. Way too much time was wasted trying to accept and place blame. I soon reverted back to my teenage year of being a victim with no control of my life.
That turned out to be the furthest thing from the truth. As the victim, my wife turned to me for guidance along the journey. Our counselor told us that I was the barometer of the relationship. As I healed, Scarlet found it ok to move on the the next phase as well.
If you are stuck in this phase, know that it is just a phase of the aftermath of the affair. But please don't focus on it. When these thoughts come into your head just say 'that's a lie and all lies come from the devil'
Say a prayer "In Jesus Christ's name I command you and this lie to leave. Jesus I invite you to come into my heart where the lie once was and heal me in that place.
Believe me when I say that I did this one a regular basis for a good part of a year and it does work. It is something I still do when I catch the lies sneaking back into my thoughts. The more I ask Jesus to come and truly invite him into my heart the closer I feel to him and the more peace I feel in my life.
Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you."
Matthew 11:29 "... learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls ..."
"Its my fault! Why did I let this happen? If only... If I would have just..."
Even though by nature (and in large part my chosen profession) I am a problem solver, I quickly became a victim and all the junk that came with it. For months after the affair I had all those thoughts plus some I won't share over and over again, playing like the only country music station in the entire radio dial. "If you don't like this country song, my mind would say, here's another 10 stations all playing the same song just for you."
This lie behind all these thoughts are that your significant other betrayed you because of who you are or something you did. It is a lie. Those are all bold faced lies meant to keep you in a place of anger, hurt, and pain.
The truth is that affairs happen in the entire spectrum of marriage with no regard for money, social status, communication, sex, or a level of "happiness"
With that said you may have played a small part in the betrayal but it still was not your fault. I know that I did.
The analogy I like to use is that my wife got into a car accident. It hurt alot of people and was mostly her and the others fault but I was a contributing factor. I didn't keep the tires on her car properly inflated. I let her drive on really worn brakes. There were also warning signs that she was a wreckless driver that I ignored and a cry for help as well.
But she still chose to get into the car and was at fault for the accident.
Afterwords, I spent WAY too much time blaming myself. Way too much time was wasted trying to accept and place blame. I soon reverted back to my teenage year of being a victim with no control of my life.
That turned out to be the furthest thing from the truth. As the victim, my wife turned to me for guidance along the journey. Our counselor told us that I was the barometer of the relationship. As I healed, Scarlet found it ok to move on the the next phase as well.
If you are stuck in this phase, know that it is just a phase of the aftermath of the affair. But please don't focus on it. When these thoughts come into your head just say 'that's a lie and all lies come from the devil'
Say a prayer "In Jesus Christ's name I command you and this lie to leave. Jesus I invite you to come into my heart where the lie once was and heal me in that place.
Believe me when I say that I did this one a regular basis for a good part of a year and it does work. It is something I still do when I catch the lies sneaking back into my thoughts. The more I ask Jesus to come and truly invite him into my heart the closer I feel to him and the more peace I feel in my life.
Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you."
Matthew 11:29 "... learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls ..."
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Which wolf will you feed today?
Here is an Cherokee tale of two wolves:
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
Its true. See we all have free will. We all get to do whatever we want, think about whatever we want, and make our own little world inside our minds. Sometimes our minds become little prisons that we feel we can't escape.
I'd say for the first 3-4 months after I found about my wife's affair, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I feed myself a plate of misery, hurt, pain, and anger on a daily basis. But then I realized that I had a choice to make.
I was able to picture myself 10 years from now and I saw two Ean's. The first one put on a mask for work, friends, and others, but inside was a wreck. He would turn to other things for any kind of escape. Work, sports, alcohol, movies, books, and probably greed in order to try and drown out the pain from being betrayed.
Or I could not. I could, in fact, choose joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. And that's what I did.
I forgave my wife. And I mean really forgave her. I choose first to forgive. I didn't "feel" like I had forgiven her and I felt, at times, that I shouldn't. There were even times were I had wished I hadn't. But I did. I choose to forgive her and THEN the feeling of forgiveness came to me. I feed the right wolf and keep feeding it and it grew more and the other wolf died.
And let me tell you that other wolf did not go down without a fight. I would have visions of telling my wife off. Telling her all of the things that I wanted to really say. All of the things that were inside my head of how she really hurt me. And when I started those visions, it really seemed like a wolf inside of me growing and taking over. That anger would come and the pain would come and so would the tears.
Don't feed that wolf. When that wolf comes 'round, tell it to go away. The devil will use whatever tricks he can to get you to live a life of anger and hate and focus on the betrayal. But we do have free will. As much as your hurting and full of just 'junk' inside you (believe me I know), you still get to choose which wolf to feed.
I promise you that if you feed the wolf of joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith that your life will get better. I have chosen the path that God laid out for me and have not looked back. That wolf still comes around once in a while and entices me with his old tricks, but he knows that he has no power over me. That 'junk' that once filled every second of every day is still there once in a blue moon but it is like a anthill compared to the rocky mountains that it once was.
Matthew 6:21-23 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness."
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."Its true. See we all have free will. We all get to do whatever we want, think about whatever we want, and make our own little world inside our minds. Sometimes our minds become little prisons that we feel we can't escape.
I'd say for the first 3-4 months after I found about my wife's affair, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I feed myself a plate of misery, hurt, pain, and anger on a daily basis. But then I realized that I had a choice to make.
I was able to picture myself 10 years from now and I saw two Ean's. The first one put on a mask for work, friends, and others, but inside was a wreck. He would turn to other things for any kind of escape. Work, sports, alcohol, movies, books, and probably greed in order to try and drown out the pain from being betrayed.
Or I could not. I could, in fact, choose joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. And that's what I did.
I forgave my wife. And I mean really forgave her. I choose first to forgive. I didn't "feel" like I had forgiven her and I felt, at times, that I shouldn't. There were even times were I had wished I hadn't. But I did. I choose to forgive her and THEN the feeling of forgiveness came to me. I feed the right wolf and keep feeding it and it grew more and the other wolf died.
And let me tell you that other wolf did not go down without a fight. I would have visions of telling my wife off. Telling her all of the things that I wanted to really say. All of the things that were inside my head of how she really hurt me. And when I started those visions, it really seemed like a wolf inside of me growing and taking over. That anger would come and the pain would come and so would the tears.
Don't feed that wolf. When that wolf comes 'round, tell it to go away. The devil will use whatever tricks he can to get you to live a life of anger and hate and focus on the betrayal. But we do have free will. As much as your hurting and full of just 'junk' inside you (believe me I know), you still get to choose which wolf to feed.
I promise you that if you feed the wolf of joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith that your life will get better. I have chosen the path that God laid out for me and have not looked back. That wolf still comes around once in a while and entices me with his old tricks, but he knows that he has no power over me. That 'junk' that once filled every second of every day is still there once in a blue moon but it is like a anthill compared to the rocky mountains that it once was.
Matthew 6:21-23 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness."
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
How He Forgave Me After the Affair
My husband made the decision to forgive me before he felt it. He knew that was what he had to do so he made the decision to just do it. So he really had to fight to forgive. And he did it successfully. He has yet to ever throw it in my face what I did, although I often throw it at myself (in my head)-or used to. I've gotten better at not self flagellating.
My husband was so kind and really took care of me, which is so strange and odd. But taking care of me gave him something to do after the discovery, he started to protect me in a way he had never done before, even though he was protecting me from myself and from what I had done. Odd-but I think that purpose helped him.
Just a little thought to throw out there.
How did you forgive? How were you forgiven?
My husband was so kind and really took care of me, which is so strange and odd. But taking care of me gave him something to do after the discovery, he started to protect me in a way he had never done before, even though he was protecting me from myself and from what I had done. Odd-but I think that purpose helped him.
Just a little thought to throw out there.
How did you forgive? How were you forgiven?
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