I'm on Facebook

You can now find me on facebook :) When I get a little more time I'll try to find a widget to make it look pretty- but for now here I am.
FIND ME ON FACEBOOK!


Also - I have set up a SECRET facebook group. Facebook defines a secret group as: Secret: These groups cannot be found in searches, and non-members can’t see anything about the group, including its name and membership list. The name of the group will not display on the profiles of members.

Secret Surviving Group
If you want to join I

Life, marriage, motherhood and it all

Its all so very tiring. I am tired. And wow, I've forgotten how a new baby will so quickly throw your marriage into the backseat. Its hard. I am disconnected and a bit discontent with life- mostly with being tired and wishing I could work part time. But such is life.

Its been 2.5 years since the Big Bad and I still will think about it. Still. I don't go into fetal position from my self loathing anymore, but it gives me pause and makes me wonder if I will ever be truly free. Oh the little attacks our mind springs on us, how cruel they are.

I have been reading Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge- it really does speak to the heart of a women. I think we all should read it.

"Why do so few women have anything close to a life of romance? Loneliness and emptiness are far more common themes-so entirely common that most women buried their longs for romance long ago and are now living merely to survive, get through the week. And its not just romance- Why are most of the relationships of women fraught with hardship? Their friendships, their families, their best friends all seem to have come down with a sort of virus that makes them fundamentally unavailable, leaving a women lonely at the end of the day. Even when relationships are good, its never enough. Where does this bottomless pit in us come from?

And women are tired. We are drained. But it's not from a life of shared adventures. No, weariness of women comes from lives that are crammed with routine, with chores, with hundreds of demands. As Chekov says, 'Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day to day living that wears you out.' Somehow, somewhere between our youth and yesterday, efficiency has taken the place of adventure. Most women do not feel they are playing an irreplaceable role in a great Story. Oh, no. We struggle to know if we matter at all. If we are at home, we feel ashamed we don't have a "real life" in the outside world. We are swallowed by laundry. If we have a career, we feel as though we are missing out on more important matters like marriage and children. We are swallowed by meetings."

Captivating - page 44-45


This passage really spoke to me. And I bet it speaks to many of you too. Allowing ourselves to get sucked down and dragged into feeling so ...alone- that is part of what leads us down the unforgivable path. How do we insulate ourselves? How do we tell our partners that feeling this way deadens our souls? And how do we fight it? Well, I guess I'll just have to keep reading :)

I don't really have a conclusion, just wanted to offer this passage up as something to think about.
Take care and keep on fighting for your marriage

I'm still here

I am, really- I think about everyone out there that is going through the awful trauma that is caused by infidelity. I'm so busy right now, three kids-one a baby, working full time and a husband that has a demanding job. Its hard.

Husband and I are especially disconnected right now. There is never enough time in the day, night, weekend. It doesn't help that Husband only gets every other weekend off. And I'm post-partum and tired and that makes me SUPER crabby.

But we still love each other and when I feel stressed or worried I remember that I made it through something quite awful with Husband and that no matter what happens in my life that if I survived that I can survive this.

But I'd still very much like a nap. ...sigh.

Survived it al!

I've been waiting and holding my breath for two years, and now I can stop. That D Day-the day the Other was planning on his suicide mission, it has passed without incident. I have not become a Lifetime Television for Women movie.

I really tried not to worry and stress about it, but I just couldn't fully move on knowing that there could be an altercation in my future. But now I can breath... :)


So now what? Husband and I want to help other people, more than just having a blog. I'd like to write a fiction book about our experience with a companion book with tips and help... but would that help people? Or would holding seminars for people be helpful?

I'm not sure, but I think Husband is going to start a support group locally in the spring, which means that I may be outed as a cheater to people in my community. I've been working myself up to this, being ok with that. Its such a black (or scarlet) mark on a person, cheaters are loathsome to many people.

But I think we could help a lot of people and I should do my best to help if I can.

So thats all for now :)

And Some More...

Things here are really good except that as I neared the 2 year mark I kept thinking about it-and I'm pretty sure that this October is when my Other said he was going to come to my city and kill himself as a warped attempt to right his wrongs... Husband called him about his intention about 2 years ago and I really hope he changed his mind, I believe he did. Husband told him that the death plan wasn't a plan or wish from God. Husband is really quite amazing.

But I still find myself holding my breath until October is over. Its like, if I survive Oct I survived it all without becoming a casualty that will end up on a LifeTime Television for Women movie. Know what I mean?

Aside from my paranoia, which may or may not be partly hormonal, I'm doing well. I guess... I still think about having a panic word with my neighbor and what I will do if I show up and find the Other in my home or workplace. I have moved, changed my numbers, become unlisted. I try to be invisible as much as I can. But you can always find someone if you want to enough.

Oh well, life goes on and for the most part life is really good and really blessed. God would not have saved me from my wretchedness to just cast me into a dark pit, I just need to trust in God and have faith in God that he will continue to forgive, love and protect me.

Wow, two posts in one day-amazing!

And now, Tracy Chapman- Unsung Psalm

Time of Renewal

I haven't blogged in a long time, but not for lack of wanting to. I've been pregnant, my job has been insanely busy and we just moved into a new house over the summer. Not to mention that I had our daughter two weeks ago.

She was born on 9/25/09 at 9:25am. On 9/18/07 my husband confronted me over my transgression, on 9/19/07, during a session with a wonderful therapist, my eyes opened and I suddenly fell in love with my husband-and he chose to keep me. On 9/21/08 Husband and I renewed our vows and were baptized for the first time. As you can see, the second to last week of September is a very exciting and renewing time for us.

I may have said this before, I had to take meds to conceive my other two, so when I ended up pregnant with my third, my girl- and by accident AND she was due right around the time when the Big Bad happened, and our Renewal-it was quite exciting.

Anyway, baby is fussing now. I just wanted to leave an update, she's perfect and beautiful and the first baby we had that was conceived in total love :)

Sorry for being MIA

I haven't blogged in FOREVER.  I'm really sorry, I am still thinking and praying for all of you who have communicated with me this past year.

Things are really hectic and busy, I think I posted that Husband and I got pregnant and baby number three will likely come exactly 2 years after the discovery and our recovery.  1 year after our vow renewal and baptism.  12 years after being married and 2 years after falling in love.  :) This one is a girl and I can't wait to meet her.  My official date is Oct 1 but because I am having a repeat C Section it will be a week or two earlier-I'm hoping it will happen on the date of our renewal but I'm nervous it will be schedule for the same date of the discovery.  In a sense it would take that day back...but I'd rather it be a different day.

We also moved from our shoebox into a new house. Its beautiful and in a great neighborhood but has some things that need to be fixed before baby comes, so its been hectic.  Add to that the fact I blew up my computer- and I'm serious, there was smoke and everything and the fact that my job is so hectic and crazy... we'll blogging time has been very limited.

Anyway, one thing I discovered while packing everything up was that all those yuck emotions and memories of the other and what happened came back to me.  This move was the last thing for me to get away from the old memories and worries.  The other knew where I lived and I lived with the constant fear in the back of my mind that I would come home one day and find him there waiting.  Moving would free me from this, but it also made me aware of it which led to thinking about it which led to feelings of yuck.

I am now unlisted, my address is different and those are the last two things I've been waiting for to stop being fearful.  I still have some little worries, the Other threatened to do something drastic in my hometown...soon... so I know as fall approaches I will be thinking of this and will breath a sigh of relief when it doesn't happen.  Because I have faith it won't, I have faith God will step in and stop it.  I actually pray that the Other has found love and happiness and not just so I don't worry but because I think he could use it as well. 

Well, I was kind of all over the place here, sorry.  I just wanted to explain my silence.

--
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"