Sorry for being MIA

Things in my world have been a bit hectic lately. I posted here about my trouble with my best friend, and to remedy that we decided a weekend away together would be the answer. However my car decided to completely die while I was 5 hours from home, and anyone I knew for that matter.

Anyway, I rented this car, which I fell in love with. I totally want one now. And we only had one car for two weeks. This is what I learned. When my husband is home with me in the morning and evening every single day, I am insanely happy. SO HAPPY. I was giddy. I knew it was just a quick stint of him changing his shift around to accommodate our lack of car, but it felt so wonderful to be with him. I told him I would live in a shoebox forever as long as I could have him.

And now we finally got our car back and here comes the insane loneliness. With the loneliness comes depression and the depression brings back the memories of the Big Bad. I have to say, though, that I amaze myself at how well I'm able to fight off the attacks of those memories. And I know that the schedule my husband is working will only last through the holidays and soon he will be home more. Not as much as he was during out time without the second car, but more than right now.

Its so hard to be married and healthy and remain connected. To talk to each other and to force yourself to say what is in your head. I remember being very deliberate in the beginning of our recovery, to say exactly how I was feeling and thinking. I needed him to know what what in my head and I needed to not feel like I was ever hiding anything from him ever again.

During these low moments, I find myself almost reverting back to the old style of communication. The withholding and ignoring of my feelings. I have to fight that. We all do. We need to be open, gentle and loving in our communication.

Recently I read a post on my parenting board that disheartened me. These are women I've known online for nearly 5 years. We are on a private board together and most of us have met others IRL at some point through the years. So reading this post made me very sad. The post was from one woman asking how hard it was to be single because she and her husband weren't getting along anymore. She just didn't love him. It sounds like they fought quite a bit and they had gone through counseling for some time. When I posted about the Big Bad when it happened I remember her commenting that counseling was helping her and her husband tremendously. So I was surprised at her post.

But that wasn't entirely what saddened me. What made me sad was how many of our small group posted back that they felt the exact same way. So many. All I could do was post about how I'd discovered a love for my husband I never thought was possible...I wanted to give them hope. I want to give all people in lost marriages hope. Because if I can fall in love with my husband 10 years after I married him, then they can rediscovered what they first loved about each other.

Children, jobs, life and the thirst for adventure pulls us away from each other. We need to find adventure in each other, make time for ourselves outside of our children and to not have our job define our life. We need to pay attention to each other, hear each other, look into each other's eyes and say what is in our hearts. And you have to work-HARD. Its hard work, and you're tired. But you have to do it.

And I guess that's all I have for tonight. I'll try to post more frequently. I'm sure I will since my darling husband will be working quite a bit. Lots of time for random thinking to be done.