Nearly a Year Ago: It Does Get Easier

This is from my journal from almost a year ago. It's sad, but it made me happy to read it on Sunday, because, it is a year from now!

(this is to show that it does get better)

Day 3: Post discovery

I am a sinner... :(
I will never give myself penance again...well, as long as Husband loves me I guess. If he went away and I have nothing but to gaze at myself remembering what I did...that would be not worth breathing for.

I want it to be a year from now.

I hate myself

Hate myself

Hate HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

I don't deserve to feel better about myself. Husband, take me back, repossess me, erase any claim, memory or moment that is associated with the Other. Don't let him have me, don't let him have me.~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I felt that each time I was attacked by a memory and the shame that came, was like him owning me. I wanted so badly for it all not to be real, to make it go away, to fix it. But I couldn't. And its ok :) because we're ok and the Other has no power over me.

The Story of Us: Part I

If this sounds familiar...well, then I guess you know :)

But I met Husband Freshman year of college. He was very tall, thin and slightly nerdy in that church boy comb over, goes to bed at 11 kind of way. Me, I'm small, barely 5 ft, long dyed red hair, black/green/blue finger nails and a style that hovered between hippy, goth and grunge. Looking and knowing the two of us you never would have put us together.

I went off to college in love with a boy. The people on my dorm floor were used to me talking constantly about Boyfriend. How wonderful he was, beautiful he was and how he was everything good in the world.

As the year progressed Boyfriend seemed to forget about me. He stopped saying he loved me, then he told me he thought perhaps we should see other people. I consented and went on my very unmerry way. But there was this boy other boy on the floor, Deagon. He was dark and full of something not quite right. He was malice and pain and self indulgence. In my pain for the loss of Boyfriend I went to him and handed myself over.

It was like cutting, only I was cutting my soul. I had lost everything good in the world, what else did I have to lose?

Then, as I spiraled downward into this reckless and painful relationship, I reached out to Boyfriend for help. I stood in the dark shower pleading over the phone with him about how I felt dark and scared and alone. He didn't understand, he told me he loved me and that caused something inside me to break. I didn't think he loved me anymore, if I had been with Deagon while he loved me, what did that make me??

I freaked out, I told Boyfriend I was scared and sinking. He called me crazy and he said didn't think he even wanted to be friends with me. And then I forgot how to breath. A big hole opened up in me and I wanted to break into little tiny pieces.

I don't remember how the conversation end. I hung up and I slowly walked down the hallway. I went into Husband's room, walked past him and Deagon without saying a word and sat in their closet. I wanted to avoid my Rainbow Bright on Crack roommate while I was hovering near total breakdown.

Husband came in and crouched beside me. He didn't say a word, he put his arms around me and the sobs just poured out. But as his arms circled me, they held me together and kept me from falling apart. All of my anguish melted from me while I was held in his embrace. That is what planted the seed in me. The comfort and safety I felt in his arms.

At some point I left the closet and fell asleep with my head in his lap, until he had to leave me to sleep at 11pm (rumor has it that he was afraid of turning into a pumpkin). That was the whisper of our beginning, although nothing romantic came about till much later.

to be continued...

Heart

My darling Husband accidentally published this post with black text, so he wanted me to republish it so people wouldn't miss it. So if you're read this already, sorry.

Before we go back into the heart of the matter, just wanted to share that I had a beautiful day with my husband and children today. Full of the wide open spaces, God made wonders and beauty and much good food. And a nap after some Afternoon Delight. I love my life, I'm so free and happy! It's amazing, I am so glad to finally love the one I am married to. I feel so blesssed.

...and now, The Heart:Repost.

What do I mean by heart? John Eldridge has a great book "Waking the Dead The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive", which talks much more eloquently than I can here but I will try to sum it up as best I can. See , your heart is the center of everything. God, life, and your happiness. Look through the Bible and you will see more references to the heart than you ever would imagine. Here are just a few:


Det 4:29 But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.

Det 6:5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.


There are many many more but as you can see, throughout the Bible God tells us that he wants our hearts. He does not care one bit for the Pharisees that have obeyed every command, every law, and every verse to the fullest extent, because their hearts have been lost. They have hearts full of pride, worry, and judgment of others.

When asked what is the greatest, biggest, best thing in in the entire Bible, Jesus responds with
'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' That's it, that's the key, it is right in front of you and yet it is so far from most of us, it might as well me written in gibberish.

For the most part we live our lives with broken hearts and therefore broken minds that won't allow us to see Gods true glory, which is to live in our hearts and replace all the junk we carry with us. We walk around in the middle of a war. The Devil knows that God's wish and deepest desire is to have our heart, so he has tried and tried to fill our heart and mind with junk instead.
Look around you and see the number of people that have lost so much heart and have given in to every sort of vice and addiction. Sex, pornography, alcohol, lies, drugs, television, books, and every kind of distraction fills our lives so that our heart can not be given to God. That's the devils plan. Not that you would be lost and never found, but that your heart would be so full of every kind of little distraction that you don't even know you are lost.


Even in the church the devil has his ways with God's people. The church has convinced its people that obeying God's law; being 'nice' people (whatever the hell that's supposed to be); and keeping busy with programs, bible study, prayer groups, and services; that you will be just fine. But in the meantime our lives our wrecks. Everyone in the church is filled with just as much pain and misery as the rest of the world.

So where is the life that Jesus promised?

John 10:10
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Matt 11:28 learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

If you think for a second that Jesus is speaking in metaphors you are sadly mistaken. Most people believe that God wants his people to suffer through this life in anticipation for a great after life. You could not be further from the truth. God wants you to live this life to the full, to find rest for your souls right here, right now.

So, if I have adequately proved that your heart is the key, now what right? Well since this has been too long of a post already (and I have to go enjoy time with my beautiful wife) I will leave you sitting on the edge of your seat for the next part ;)

God Bless the Broken Road

This is one of the songs that really spoke to Husband and I after our Hilltop recovery. Its a nice song, even though I detest pretty much anything country. The words are great, where is Eddie Vedar when I need him?




Oh, Here's Eddie. M'wah!

Hungry Ghost

I commented on another blog about how I felt like a hungry ghost while I was in my "relationship" with the Other.

Hungry Ghost sounded perfect for how I felt. Living between two worlds, finding fulfillment in neither, always longing for something I couldn't have. Never being satisfied. It was a painful existence. I often felt like I lived outside my body and lived my life through sheer force of will. Going through the motions, smiling when it seemed I should, but always feeling so far away from my world. Purely joyless. Empty.

I knew there was such thing as a real hungry ghost, it wasn't just a bar in an obscure, made for TV miniseries Wild Palms. But a real thing in many theological folklore. In Buddhism, a hungry ghost is a creature with a very large hungry stomach that seeks to fill it. However, their mouths and throats are so tiny that eating anything is extremely painful.

It seemed perfectly suited for quest for that attention/love/affection/companionship/validation that only comes with intense guilt and pain. At least in my case it was.

But I guess I'm here to tell all of you that the painful longing and dissatisfaction can go away, you can stop being a hungry ghost. I thought I was doomed, I thought I'd never fall in love with my own husband. I thought my lot was to suffer silently and never experience true, real love. And I was so wrong. Thank God I was so wrong.

After the Hilltop I was amazed at what joy I could feel. I came to understand that I was probably living my life in a low grade depression without ever knowing it. At least I'd lived that way for so long that I couldn't pin point a time where I felt true joy before.

But after that Hilltop, watching my child dunking a cookie in his milk brought me such happiness that I was amazed. I felt like I was watching the world with new eyes, seeing things I'd never seen before. Truly enjoying my life. I had never felt that before.

I have never been one to have reverence for my life. I never valued it, I'm not sure why. But it is all very different now. I was finally truly happy. Of course there were oceans of pain that would sometimes wash over me, but my face would always break the surface and gulp in enough beautiful air that I was protected when the next wave hit. And soon the waves died off... and now I'm just floating in the gentle sunlight letting the waves lull me into a peaceful oblivion. I am truly happy. How beautiful is that?

Don't Be a Ghost in Your New Relationship

One thing that was important after the Discovery, was for me to be completely honest with my feelings. Husband was very specific that I MUST NOT protect him from my feelings anymore. Not telling him in the very beginning that I didn't love him had started this all. I probably need to write more in depth about how we came to be together, I'm sure I will at some point.

But this is something I struggle with. During my time with the Other I turned off all my feelings about everything. If I was angry or unhappy with something Husband did, I would just swallow it, because, I wasn't in a position to complain. I had no right. Later, after he realized it all-he suddenly noticed I stopped fighting and disagreeing with him.

After the discovery it was decided that it was imperative for me to be truthful about my feelings, even if it was hurtful. I had so many feelings during this time that I felt like I didn't deserve to have. And when I'd get angry I was so afraid of saying something and then Husband throwing the affair in my face. It terrified me. But I still did it.

Each time it was like jumping into a freezing cold lake, I had to just close my eyes and do it. And after awhile I wasn't scared so much anymore. And he never did throw it at my face, and still hasn't. ..and, to be honest, I am still a little afraid that he'll get so angry that one day he will. But I know that is me not trusting or having faith in him, so I need to let that go.

And my point in this is that, no matter how awful you feel and how much you want to just give in to everything and always deny your feelings since you were the villain, you can't. Because then you are still building your relationship on a false foundation with faulty materials.

You're building that relationship with a ghost...its not you at your core and therefore not possible to build a strong and sturdy relationship. Being honest is being honest about everything, even if you're afraid and don't think you deserve to have your feeling. You must still put it out there. I'd like Husband's thoughts on this, but I think this help to prove that I wasn't hiding anything from him anymore.

Just a small thing I learned.

The Boogyman: The Question, Can You Forgive Your Cheating Spouse?

The first question I have is forgiveness. Its something, that at first, I would ask myself. How can I forgive? Did I really forgive her? What about the Other? Can I ever forgive him for the near destruction of my life, my family?

That question leads to the next thing I learned in life. Feelings. And how we all put way way too much importance on feelings.

Think about it. When asked "what is your purpose in life", how do you respond? Most people say, to be happy, I just want to be happy. Really? Thats it. Your purpose is a feeling? Your purpose here on earth is not a feeling. That's absurd. Your reason for being is not an emotion. You were not put here to 'be' your emotions. God gave us emotions as part of the human experience, but thats not who we are. We are not our emotions. We are so much deeper than that. We have emotions to help us experience this life and live it but thats not what is at our core.

Think about the last time you felt afraid, truly afraid. I remember walking into a dark basement, the cold creeping up through the floor and entering my body. The weird noises of the furnace. The creaking of wood from above. That feeling that someone is lurking around the corner. Have you ever felt this before?

Of course, we have all felt afraid in a weird, strange, dark place. Did you ever find a monster or serial killer or Freddy Kruger down there? Nope. There is just fear. And there was no REAL reason for it. Just an emotional experience. Yet we all see our emotions are absolute. Oh, I'm feeling sad, so I must be sad. Nope. Just like fear, your emotions can be wrong. They can fool you and deceive you. They can give you thoughts and conjure up things that are simply not there. Being afraid in a basement seems natural given the cues, but there is no real reason for it and it is really a fake feeling. Your feelings can lie to you.

My point is that we are not our emotions.

Haven't you felt that yearning for more. That feeling that you are something bigger than the things you look around and see. You go through life with deadlines, meetings, running from place to place, wasting time driving all over, then sitting at home and 'vegging out' in front of the TV.

But what about those movies or books that you love. Like 'Braveheart' when William Wallace stands up to fight for honor and justice. And I know you have your own moments, but thats when I know that I get a real glimpse of something bigger than me. Something more than a good 'feeling'. More than emotions. More than thoughts or random ideas, or notions that come across me. In those times, I can see the real me. The spirit me.

God has put a spirit in all of us, and those that believe know that God's spirit resides in them. But the distractions of life can make that a hazy cloudy view that makes it impossible to see. You know you have felt it though. I've had my moments where I swear I can feel God's presence. And in those moments, I'm not worried about my feelings or thoughts.

My point is, don't let feelings get in the way. Have them, then release them. Our therapist often says, "Many people come to my door and knock, I open it, but I don't have to invite them to come in and stay." The same is true of feelings, if hunger comes knocking, and its not time to eat you tell it to go away till dinner time. Yet if feelings of sadness come, we all want to open the door and let the darkness have its way in our mind.

The book 'Ways of a Peaceful Warrior' tells you to have emotions like an infant. Go ahead and cry, or get mad, then be done with them. Thats the way to live. Not stuck in feelings and wandering about your emotions like a wounded soldier waiting for help. Does a baby ever feel guilt for being angry. No sir. They get super mad, scream, then when done, go right back to their normal self.

But not us grown ups. We get to have worries on top of feelings. I'm angry but I shouldn't be, so now I will worry that I'm not expressing the correct emotion.

Or I forgave her but now I don't feel like it. Did I really forgive her? Shouldn't I be worried about that? No, absolutely not. So what if I don't 'feel' like it? Its just a dumb feeling, like being scared when you have absolutely no reason to. Don't let your emotions become The Boogyman.