Hungry Ghost

I commented on another blog about how I felt like a hungry ghost while I was in my "relationship" with the Other.

Hungry Ghost sounded perfect for how I felt. Living between two worlds, finding fulfillment in neither, always longing for something I couldn't have. Never being satisfied. It was a painful existence. I often felt like I lived outside my body and lived my life through sheer force of will. Going through the motions, smiling when it seemed I should, but always feeling so far away from my world. Purely joyless. Empty.

I knew there was such thing as a real hungry ghost, it wasn't just a bar in an obscure, made for TV miniseries Wild Palms. But a real thing in many theological folklore. In Buddhism, a hungry ghost is a creature with a very large hungry stomach that seeks to fill it. However, their mouths and throats are so tiny that eating anything is extremely painful.

It seemed perfectly suited for quest for that attention/love/affection/companionship/validation that only comes with intense guilt and pain. At least in my case it was.

But I guess I'm here to tell all of you that the painful longing and dissatisfaction can go away, you can stop being a hungry ghost. I thought I was doomed, I thought I'd never fall in love with my own husband. I thought my lot was to suffer silently and never experience true, real love. And I was so wrong. Thank God I was so wrong.

After the Hilltop I was amazed at what joy I could feel. I came to understand that I was probably living my life in a low grade depression without ever knowing it. At least I'd lived that way for so long that I couldn't pin point a time where I felt true joy before.

But after that Hilltop, watching my child dunking a cookie in his milk brought me such happiness that I was amazed. I felt like I was watching the world with new eyes, seeing things I'd never seen before. Truly enjoying my life. I had never felt that before.

I have never been one to have reverence for my life. I never valued it, I'm not sure why. But it is all very different now. I was finally truly happy. Of course there were oceans of pain that would sometimes wash over me, but my face would always break the surface and gulp in enough beautiful air that I was protected when the next wave hit. And soon the waves died off... and now I'm just floating in the gentle sunlight letting the waves lull me into a peaceful oblivion. I am truly happy. How beautiful is that?