Nearly a Year Ago: It Does Get Easier

This is from my journal from almost a year ago. It's sad, but it made me happy to read it on Sunday, because, it is a year from now!

(this is to show that it does get better)

Day 3: Post discovery

I am a sinner... :(
I will never give myself penance again...well, as long as Husband loves me I guess. If he went away and I have nothing but to gaze at myself remembering what I did...that would be not worth breathing for.

I want it to be a year from now.

I hate myself

Hate myself

Hate HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

I don't deserve to feel better about myself. Husband, take me back, repossess me, erase any claim, memory or moment that is associated with the Other. Don't let him have me, don't let him have me.~~~~~~~~~~~

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I felt that each time I was attacked by a memory and the shame that came, was like him owning me. I wanted so badly for it all not to be real, to make it go away, to fix it. But I couldn't. And its ok :) because we're ok and the Other has no power over me.