Changing My Name

Currently I'm am Peering into Darkness... but I think I should change that. Because it goes back to that big guilt I have that I've been fighting with.

Today I saw my therapist and he brought me back from the guilt and self flagellation I've been experiencing. I told him about what I wrote yesterday, about the guilt for the Other I felt. He told me that I was being very self exalted in my assessment that I had such power over a life and that I was holding myself up as a God in his life. That the Other had been in tatters before I met him and was in tatters when I left and would continue making choices in his life that left him in tatters, all while God did things to try to get his attention.

It struck a cord with me. He is NOT my responsibility, he is God's responsibility. And I could not fix him, he was broken before and my presence in his life could not have fixed him and after I left him - there is truly no way to fix him. And I don't think I want to fix him, because it isn't my job. I think I was freed a little bit today after seeing that. I hope it sticks. My Therapist would say that "hope" comment is me doubting and the doubts are tools of the enemy (meaning evil, sin, devil, what have you).

He also talked about how I am still wrestling with The Flesh. Trying to control it and now veer off of the tree of Good and Evil when I need to put it in God and live with him and in the Tree of Life. I know this, I know that I have not let myself be forgiven and that I have not accepted that I can be forgiven by God. I know I am in my head, but my heart does not.

I started this blog as a way to confront what I did, I do think its about time for me to own it and to acknowledge it more. I have hidden in shame for what I did, have been afraid of being discovered, but I seek to get past it so if it is known it will not cause me any trouble. It will be easy for me to say, "oh, that wasn't me. I am not that person, I was really never that person". She was someone who took me over for a time, but I fought free of her. I did, I did in that moment when I ignored what she thought she really wanted and said what I deep down knew was the right thing.

That may be confusing so I'll explain briefly. We were in the moment when my husband asked me what I wanted. In that moment I knew I wanted to run away with the Other, I wanted to live with him and be happy. But I knew in my head that wasn't Truth. The Truth, the holy Truth was that I wanted to love my husband and he would stay with me. So I told him, in a perfect world I would be in love with him.

God granted me that wish. Husband wanted to wait a month to decide if he could live with me, but he saw something in my face, he saw God in me for a moment and he felt God touch him and push him toward me and our spirits became married.

Do not think I'm this rampaging christian with Jesus fever. I am a woman with a strong faith in God and his ability to move things in my life. I can only say how this came to be, and that is the best way I can describe it. I don't know how to make it more clear than say, in the moment when I answered from Truth my eyes were clear and I saw my husband for the first time. Saw him the way I wanted to always see him. And he saw me back and took me as I was.

In many ways he saved me. Saved me. I could have been destroyed and miserable. I always knew, in spite of my actions, that if this came down and I lost my Husband it would be the biggest mistake of my life. I would live in regret. I knew that.

I knew a lot of things I can't explain. When things started happening with the Other I told him that I somehow felt like he was going to be a tool to get me over my dead love (my first love) and help me to love my husband. I knew this somehow. I thought I knew it from God, but I'm not sure. I can't think for a moment God wanted me to commit such an act of betrayal, I don't know if it was the Evil One tricking me and God just took over the situation. I guess I have to read Screwtape Follies to really figure that out.

But for now, I just guess maybe I somehow glimpsed the future-independent of God and the Devil. I will choose not to assign the strangeness to anything and just accept that God took the horrible event and made it into a happy accident.

So I will change to something a little more uplifting, because I will be free of this. Freedom and Redemption!