Explosions

Explosion is the only way I can describe it. It takes you by surprise, comes from no where..without out a warning and suddenly you're just a gooey gross mess.

The last week or so I've been in a funk. And when I'm in a funk I find myself feeling disconnected from Husband. Even though I've gone through these moments before, and have come out of them fine, they still scare me.

Usually they last a little while, maybe a week or two, and when its over I collapse into Husband's arms telling him how much I missed him, wiping away some stray tears.

However last night I totally and completely exploded with emotion. It was after some much needed very deliberate intimacy. I was happy, feeling happy and suddenly I just exploded into a blubbering crying mess. I confessed how scared I was, afraid that my feelings for him would turn out to be a cruel joke and I'd have to go back to pretending. During those moments, I know that is my darkest fear. That somehow I'm tricking myself. But always, the fear will suddenly melt away and I tell Husband how much I missed him. And always the feelings of closeness, connectedness and in-love-edness (which is not a word) returns. And I realize my fears were unfounded.

Through my choking sobs I began laughing at myself for crying so explosively. And as I cackled like a crazy woman, I wept...at.the.same.time. I was able to choke out that I was acting like a crazy lady. I think I was just overwhelmed by everything I'd been feeling for the last few days, and feeling so lonely while Husband was working. I really need to take care of myself during the alone times. Need to find some friends or something, I'm telling you.

I think after a major breakdown the emotions can be somewhat unstable. There are many triggers for feelings our body and senses remember, even if our mind doesn't. For instance, sex was a huge trigger for me. For 11 years Husband and I never made love. Not once. It was always sex, great sex, fucking even. But never slow lingering love-making where you stare into the eyes of the person with such love and longing.

In the moonlight, the night of the Hilltop Discovery, was the first time we'd ever made love. Husband was amazed sex could be something so wonderful and intimate and fullfilling. I always knew it could be that way. I longed for it.

So after the discovery and Hilltop, any time intimacy was something beside slow and loving I totally freaked out and bawled like a baby. It just brought on so many memories of 10 years of emptiness. I couldn't take it.

Wow, probably TMI for many readers out there. But hey, I'm trying to be transparent.