Being Deliberate in Your Marriage

After the discovery of my affair, and the subsequent salvation of my marriage, I found myself having to be very deliberate in my communication and interactions with my husband.

Self awareness is very important during these times, knowing what is going on in your head and why and then sharing it is integral in the healing process. How often do we act out, react to something in anger when deep down we know there is something at the root of us that makes us act this way? Some undiscovered hurt? I know I've been guilty of it.

For instance if your partner says something to you that hurts you, instead of reacting with anger and accusations which would escalate the issues, why not peel back that layer of the onion and see whats there. Tell your partner what hurt you and why. As we tell our children, "Use your words".

Communications is often the first thing that breaks down in a marriage. Communication is like the oil in the car, as it runs low you aren't necessarily aware. But then strange things start happening, other things start breaking... then the car can't run. And pretty soon you killed the engine. But I don't know enough about cars to make a good car analogy.

But I think I can do walls.

Walls

We as people build little walls around ourselves, we use them to hide, to keep us safe from arrows and protect our secrets. Its a pretty little wall and we've become so used to it that we don't even notice it anymore, it becomes part of our natural landscape.

Then one day we're patrolling our wall and we see someone, we think we know them-it may look like our significant other, but we're not sure. In the light it sort of looks like the punk kid who wrote profanity on the wall a year ago. So we think, 'better safe than sorry' and just shoot random, poorly aimed arrows before they have a chance to hurt the wall.

And maybe they're just loitering. They are standing there, minding their own business. But they look like they could be up to something. So you go for the hot oil and pour it down the wall. Before they know it, they're burning with hot oil and they have no idea why.

But you do. You know that you're just afraid they are going to break down your wall, find you and hurt you.

What you should do instead of pouring that oil or throwing rocks, is lower the drawbridge and let them in. Show them the raw core of you. You may be surprised.

In times when you find yourself ready to fire off the verbal arrow-stop. Spend a moment dissecting it, figure out what is at the root of your reaction and then put it out there simply and honestly. It saves time and heartache and it hurts a hell of a lot less than hot oil.

What I'm really saying is to cut the bullshit and get to the point about your feelings. Don't mask them or transfer them or act out because of them. Own them, then throw them out there and move on with your life.

Family & Friends and Your Wall

Sometimes its not your spouse outside your wall, its your family friends or even just society. They're out there shaking their pitchforks and waving their torches and yelling at you to keep guarding the wall and not to dare let down that drawbridge.

You sit up there knowing you want nothing more than to let someone in, but you're afraid you'll look weak. You wonder what the mob would think, who cares what they'd say. But you know what, who cares? Let me ask you, who do you live your life for? And who should you live your life for? Think about that. If you were true to the core of yourself, what would you do?

In a relationship that has suffered adultery, when the victim decides to stay with their cheating spouse, they are met with confusion and skepticism from their friends and family. How many times have you heard "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Do a Google search, you'll get a gazillion responses with people making this statement.

Your friends and family are often not supportive of rescuing the marriage. They have righteous anger for the wrong you suffered. They don't understand that although they can be angry and hurt for you, they also need to be supportive and understanding of your need to try to save your marriage.

During those initial days after the discovery its so important for you to be strong in what you want, and not let them sway you. You probably are having those same thoughts and feelings on your own, moving up and down in the storm of your emotions. But at the heart of you, you want to fight for your marriage. And so you should, because it is better to have tried to save your marriage than to lose because you didn't bother to fight.

That is primarily what this blog has become. I started to try to process and come to terms with what I did. But now we just want it to be a place people can go to get hope and encouragement as they work on their marriage.