I don't know about you, but I know that music can totally mirror my mood or even change it completely. I remember sitting in church when I was an angsty teen and feeling very mood and unhappy. I was dating a psycho at the time so that is probably why.
Anyway, our church decided to sing the Cat Steven's song, Morning Has Broken, and for some reason it just lifted me up and made me happy. Not so sure why, it just did and frankly I didn't care because it was a relief to not feel like crap.
Music can be like that, a friend to help you process, to pep you up or to commiserate in misery with you. After the Big Bad I had Husband listen to the song Fight Test. That song was really helpful to him when he was feeling down, it spoke about what could have happened and reinforced his feeling of strength and masculinity as a protector of our family.
I had my own songs during this time. We actually created Albums to accompany us through the various stages of our journey. Soulkissing was the first album, then Coming Through the Woods, after that came Outside the Blastzone and now we're ready to move into a new album, I'm not certain what it will be called though.
One of my favorite songs from Soulkissing, which was essentially a mix of sappy love songs, is Sugar High. Great song!
So I recommend anyone going through this sort of experience to create your soundtrack, use it to help you through the hard times. Pick things that speak to you about your feelings and give you a sense of hope. It will help.
And now for...
SUGAR HIGH. Get ready to dance!
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Fighting Yourself
In the movie, 'Way of a Peaceful Warrior' there is a dramatic scene where the young warrior must learn to 'let go of himself'. The scene unfolds on the top of a clock tower on his college campus. He first thinks that he has to talk someone out of jumping and then realizes that the person is actually himself.
Ok, not really him, but a metaphor for himself. The self that he has known all his life. Dan Milman is a young, selfish, hot tempered, self centered, shallow young man. He learns that he has to let go of this former self.
A fight ensues and the former self tells Dan that he can't exorcise him because he doesn't know who is without the former self. Its true. We don't know who we are, if we really try to get rid of all the old junk that we have carried around for so long. But if your willing to find out, you can learn a whole new wonderful way of living.
I think that my setback is my former self fighting back. John Eldredge would say that the flesh is always there trying to sabotage things. And there is a HUGE distinction here. Most churches say that we are all evil, we are all born of sin, because of Adam. But that's not really true. See, we have sin in us; but our heart, our core, is not what God tells us to get rid of.
Paul says (Romans 7:20) "I am not really the one doing it, the sin within me is doing it". It is the sin within me that is causing this setback. My former self is fighting for control and that's what I need to get rid of. My heart though is good. The Bible tells us to guard our heart. Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." This would not be the case if our heart was evil or full of sin.
Here is a clip from the movie 'Way of a Peaceful Warrior' (the part I mentioned above is 2 minutes and 28 seconds into it. It reminds me of Matthew 10:39 "Whoever finds his life will lose it and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."
Ok, not really him, but a metaphor for himself. The self that he has known all his life. Dan Milman is a young, selfish, hot tempered, self centered, shallow young man. He learns that he has to let go of this former self.
A fight ensues and the former self tells Dan that he can't exorcise him because he doesn't know who is without the former self. Its true. We don't know who we are, if we really try to get rid of all the old junk that we have carried around for so long. But if your willing to find out, you can learn a whole new wonderful way of living.
I think that my setback is my former self fighting back. John Eldredge would say that the flesh is always there trying to sabotage things. And there is a HUGE distinction here. Most churches say that we are all evil, we are all born of sin, because of Adam. But that's not really true. See, we have sin in us; but our heart, our core, is not what God tells us to get rid of.
Paul says (Romans 7:20) "I am not really the one doing it, the sin within me is doing it". It is the sin within me that is causing this setback. My former self is fighting for control and that's what I need to get rid of. My heart though is good. The Bible tells us to guard our heart. Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." This would not be the case if our heart was evil or full of sin.
Paul says (Romans 7:20) "I am not really the one doing it, the sin within me is doing it". It is the sin within me that is causing this setback. My former self is fighting for control and Here is a clip from the movie 'Way of a Peaceful Warrior' (the part I mentioned above is 2 minutes and 28 seconds into it. It reminds me of Matthew 10:39 "Whoever finds his life will lose it and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Setbacks
I guess I'm still not 100% sure about this blog and what it means and what my role is here. I really do feel absolutely compelled to help people.
Shortly after the affair, I was searching for help on the web. I didn't find much at all. An ivillage forum for women, stupid web pages, and then I found this. If you get past her shameless 'buy my book, buy my book, and oh, did I tell you I wrote this book', its actually an ok site. But her book title (I know, I know) is what really struck me: "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Happened to Me".
At first I thought she was a loon. And she's Canadian, and they kinda like loons, so... But now I get it. I understand the title, because that is what happened here. My wife's affair became the best thing that happened to us. I can still say that it was evil, bad, and dark, but God can take ANYTHING and use it for good. And He did, He used it, we listened and followed, and the Big Bad, became the thing that took us closer than I ever thought that two people could be.
So today I had a setback. Weird because I was on such a good run for over two months. I had consistently balled, walled, cried, what have you, up until June. Then I had my epiphany about life and living and since then, fucking great! I mean no weird thoughts, trust issues, wanting to punch the steering wheel on the drive home, or crying and not being able to stop. Nothing like the first 8 months. But today I think I opened the door, just a crack mind you, and let in the wrong stuff.
I have talked before about the 'Brewsters Millions' game we played. I would play the lottery and fantasize about what would I do if I won.
Since our discovery, I have played the lottery a few times without any thoughts or dreaming but this time was different. I actually dreamed, over the course of a week, of 6 numbers. And since I rarely even remember what my dreams are, to remember numbers was weird, so I thought, why not. And I played those numbers. But the whole day I was distracted by EVERYTHING. Life, the Big Bad, stress, money, work and it was like a tape I couldn't shut off.
And all I got was $10 fucking dollars and that was from the second 'easy pic' ticket and not even my numbers. That sucked. So now I have to pull myself out of this setback and get back to living a life of the spirit and stop living life from yesterday or tomorrow.
And I promise myself to not play. Ever again. Ever. I just can't open that door, even a crack.
Shortly after the affair, I was searching for help on the web. I didn't find much at all. An ivillage forum for women, stupid web pages, and then I found this. If you get past her shameless 'buy my book, buy my book, and oh, did I tell you I wrote this book', its actually an ok site. But her book title (I know, I know) is what really struck me: "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Happened to Me".
At first I thought she was a loon. And she's Canadian, and they kinda like loons, so... But now I get it. I understand the title, because that is what happened here. My wife's affair became the best thing that happened to us. I can still say that it was evil, bad, and dark, but God can take ANYTHING and use it for good. And He did, He used it, we listened and followed, and the Big Bad, became the thing that took us closer than I ever thought that two people could be.
So today I had a setback. Weird because I was on such a good run for over two months. I had consistently balled, walled, cried, what have you, up until June. Then I had my epiphany about life and living and since then, fucking great! I mean no weird thoughts, trust issues, wanting to punch the steering wheel on the drive home, or crying and not being able to stop. Nothing like the first 8 months. But today I think I opened the door, just a crack mind you, and let in the wrong stuff.
I have talked before about the 'Brewsters Millions' game we played. I would play the lottery and fantasize about what would I do if I won.
Since our discovery, I have played the lottery a few times without any thoughts or dreaming but this time was different. I actually dreamed, over the course of a week, of 6 numbers. And since I rarely even remember what my dreams are, to remember numbers was weird, so I thought, why not. And I played those numbers. But the whole day I was distracted by EVERYTHING. Life, the Big Bad, stress, money, work and it was like a tape I couldn't shut off.
And all I got was $10 fucking dollars and that was from the second 'easy pic' ticket and not even my numbers. That sucked. So now I have to pull myself out of this setback and get back to living a life of the spirit and stop living life from yesterday or tomorrow.
And I promise myself to not play. Ever again. Ever. I just can't open that door, even a crack.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Driven to Distraction
The weekends alone. The nights alone. That is what where I got into trouble. Well, I was in serious trouble way before that. Obviously. I guess the times alone gave me the opportunity to get distracted by the Other.
But I think we had become distracted way before. Distracted from our marriage and from ourselves.
This world is full of so many distractions that its easy to lose sight of what is going on around you. I'm reminded of the movie Wall-E, the people were driven around in their chairs, TV's and Phones in their face blocking out the world around them. When two of these people suddenly found themselves without their screen they were amazed at the things they hadn't noticed about their world.
Living life like that, you might not notice as your world crumbles around you. Suddenly you find yourself sitting in your underwear amongst the rubble.
I think our society is like that. We put a computer, TV, Movies, book, sports, work and children in front of our face 90% or more of the time. Anything to distract us from reality. I think for a lot of men it is their job and a lot of women, it is their children.
Often both people in a relationship get so lost in the tasks of the day that they lose themselves and each other. I know that, as I lived in my marriage and my relationship, I stopped doing the things I loved. I stopped writing, taking pictures and the theater. How I loved the theater. Those were things that excited me.
When you let the things that excite you get lost, then no wonder how easy it is to get addicted to the excitement you feel in a new and taboo relationship. That sounds disgusting to me... I was not after excitement. I plan to go more into what I got from the Other, but that will be another day.
But I think what is important, especially for women, is to take time for you. Do some things for you, things that you like, that build you up. Paying attention to yourself is so important.
And pay attention to each other. Marriage is hard, staying connected is hard, having a happy healthy marriage takes deliberate action. So go look at your spouse/partner today and really connect with them. And keep on connecting.
But I think we had become distracted way before. Distracted from our marriage and from ourselves.
This world is full of so many distractions that its easy to lose sight of what is going on around you. I'm reminded of the movie Wall-E, the people were driven around in their chairs, TV's and Phones in their face blocking out the world around them. When two of these people suddenly found themselves without their screen they were amazed at the things they hadn't noticed about their world.
Living life like that, you might not notice as your world crumbles around you. Suddenly you find yourself sitting in your underwear amongst the rubble.
I think our society is like that. We put a computer, TV, Movies, book, sports, work and children in front of our face 90% or more of the time. Anything to distract us from reality. I think for a lot of men it is their job and a lot of women, it is their children.
Often both people in a relationship get so lost in the tasks of the day that they lose themselves and each other. I know that, as I lived in my marriage and my relationship, I stopped doing the things I loved. I stopped writing, taking pictures and the theater. How I loved the theater. Those were things that excited me.
When you let the things that excite you get lost, then no wonder how easy it is to get addicted to the excitement you feel in a new and taboo relationship. That sounds disgusting to me... I was not after excitement. I plan to go more into what I got from the Other, but that will be another day.
But I think what is important, especially for women, is to take time for you. Do some things for you, things that you like, that build you up. Paying attention to yourself is so important.
And pay attention to each other. Marriage is hard, staying connected is hard, having a happy healthy marriage takes deliberate action. So go look at your spouse/partner today and really connect with them. And keep on connecting.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
LIttle Hurts: Part I
Preface: Mea Culpa
Its weird. I never set out to meet anyone, never in my life would I imagine I'd find myself in such a situation. And because of that I was not guarded, I guess.
I don't want to act like I am making excuses. I really am just trying to dissect all of this, and maybe be helpful to some people who are going through this. Maybe what I saw and went through could be helpful.
The first time I "met" the other... it was like listening myself talk. He seemed to understand a very deep seeded hurt I experienced, understood more than anyone who I'd ever talked to. That is was started it me toward a slippery slope.
Almost immediately I became very...obsessed with him. I just wanted to talk more in depth about it with him. I sort of feel like it was that hurt that made me vulnerable in the first place. And so funny (not funny "ha ha" funny strange) that the hurt was caused by a group of over zealous Christians. They thought they were doing the work of God, and all they did was damage me so spiritually that it took me over 10 years to recover.
Little hurts. Many little hurts built up over time... it begins like that. By the time you understand what is happening, you are too far gone. I think Husband would call these 'arrows' that wound your heart and soul.
The biggest hurt of my life centered around my faith. When we were newly engaged Husband was a part of a Christian group where he was in a position of leadership. I belonged to no such group and, although I had a very deep faith in God, I was private about it.
Just after he'd proposed, Husband and I had one discussion about faith that ended with me crying when he said I couldn't know God because my relationship with Jesus wasn't what "they" thought it should be. These words from his mouth, to say that my prayers and the works I'd seen from God in my life weren't real, hurt terribly.
He never brought up faith again, and so when he was asked by his Christian Leader (aka Bad Man) if I was a Christian, he said no.
No.
No...
So Bad Man told Husband that he must either leave me or convert me, and if he did neither he would lose his position in their meaningless inconsequential little campus ministry. Bastards. Yes, I am still a tad angry. But just a little.
Husband chose to come to me and forceably convert me. He had a chart even. I wept, I cried, it was awful. I couldn't believe that these people were telling me I wasn't good enough for God. And because I didn't have much experience with organized religion, I thougth they were considered to be an authority on the matter. At the end he was like, "Oh, you are a Christian...Hmmmm." and went back and told Bad Man.
It hurt that I wasn't good enough, but it also hurt that Husband couldn't understand why it hurt me so much.
This time in our life has come to be known as November. Because, the entire month I was subject to collapsing spells of grief and sorrow that would often cause me to fall to the ground weeping. In the grass, on the way from the dining hall, in my dorm room, wherever I happen to be.
All this hurt was more painful because Husband couldn't understand why I was so upset. He thought I was being silly. He had no comprehension about why this hurt me so much. Finally I came up with an analogy that hit close enough to one of his insecurities that he finally understood, understood and cried because he felt badly.
But the bigger hurt was that he didn't stand up for me.
For so many many years I put the blame on the Bad Man, he was the leader. But Husband should have stood up for me. At that point in our relationship I hadn't fallen in love with Husband yet (clearly, it took me about 11 years to do that), I was still of the camp that love would come. Had he stood up for me, his shining eyes protecting me, I have no doubt my love would have come shortly after.
But he failed me. When it mattered most, he failed me. And that wound ate at me for nearly 10 years. I couldn't talk about the experience without crying. That experience took God away from me, I didn't have the closeness anymore. I couldn't feel him like I did and it left a huge hole inside me that I didn't even begin to know how to fill.
So when the Other spoke of his darkness and hole left by where God had once been... it struck a chord with me. Finally someone understood what it meant to have something so special and lose it.
Stupid.
I think that hurt caused a huge rift that kept me from ever falling in love with Husband. It was the first time I learned I couldn't trust him, even though he was seemingly doing the right thing in his eyes. Turns out he couldn't trust me either, I guess.
Husband has said that I could write Bad Man a letter telling him the hurt he caused me, he's said that all along. But I want him to do it. I want him to stand up for me, even if it is too late to protect me from that hurt. And I think he will. He's been standing up a lot lately.
Husband is so amazing, the man he has become. The boy who failed me doesn't even exist anymore. And the woman who failed him, she is gone as well. We are both new and very blessed for it.
Its weird. I never set out to meet anyone, never in my life would I imagine I'd find myself in such a situation. And because of that I was not guarded, I guess.
I don't want to act like I am making excuses. I really am just trying to dissect all of this, and maybe be helpful to some people who are going through this. Maybe what I saw and went through could be helpful.
The first time I "met" the other... it was like listening myself talk. He seemed to understand a very deep seeded hurt I experienced, understood more than anyone who I'd ever talked to. That is was started it me toward a slippery slope.
Almost immediately I became very...obsessed with him. I just wanted to talk more in depth about it with him. I sort of feel like it was that hurt that made me vulnerable in the first place. And so funny (not funny "ha ha" funny strange) that the hurt was caused by a group of over zealous Christians. They thought they were doing the work of God, and all they did was damage me so spiritually that it took me over 10 years to recover.
Little hurts. Many little hurts built up over time... it begins like that. By the time you understand what is happening, you are too far gone. I think Husband would call these 'arrows' that wound your heart and soul.
The biggest hurt of my life centered around my faith. When we were newly engaged Husband was a part of a Christian group where he was in a position of leadership. I belonged to no such group and, although I had a very deep faith in God, I was private about it.
Just after he'd proposed, Husband and I had one discussion about faith that ended with me crying when he said I couldn't know God because my relationship with Jesus wasn't what "they" thought it should be. These words from his mouth, to say that my prayers and the works I'd seen from God in my life weren't real, hurt terribly.
He never brought up faith again, and so when he was asked by his Christian Leader (aka Bad Man) if I was a Christian, he said no.
No.
No...
So Bad Man told Husband that he must either leave me or convert me, and if he did neither he would lose his position in their meaningless inconsequential little campus ministry. Bastards. Yes, I am still a tad angry. But just a little.
Husband chose to come to me and forceably convert me. He had a chart even. I wept, I cried, it was awful. I couldn't believe that these people were telling me I wasn't good enough for God. And because I didn't have much experience with organized religion, I thougth they were considered to be an authority on the matter. At the end he was like, "Oh, you are a Christian...Hmmmm." and went back and told Bad Man.
It hurt that I wasn't good enough, but it also hurt that Husband couldn't understand why it hurt me so much.
This time in our life has come to be known as November. Because, the entire month I was subject to collapsing spells of grief and sorrow that would often cause me to fall to the ground weeping. In the grass, on the way from the dining hall, in my dorm room, wherever I happen to be.
All this hurt was more painful because Husband couldn't understand why I was so upset. He thought I was being silly. He had no comprehension about why this hurt me so much. Finally I came up with an analogy that hit close enough to one of his insecurities that he finally understood, understood and cried because he felt badly.
But the bigger hurt was that he didn't stand up for me.
For so many many years I put the blame on the Bad Man, he was the leader. But Husband should have stood up for me. At that point in our relationship I hadn't fallen in love with Husband yet (clearly, it took me about 11 years to do that), I was still of the camp that love would come. Had he stood up for me, his shining eyes protecting me, I have no doubt my love would have come shortly after.
But he failed me. When it mattered most, he failed me. And that wound ate at me for nearly 10 years. I couldn't talk about the experience without crying. That experience took God away from me, I didn't have the closeness anymore. I couldn't feel him like I did and it left a huge hole inside me that I didn't even begin to know how to fill.
So when the Other spoke of his darkness and hole left by where God had once been... it struck a chord with me. Finally someone understood what it meant to have something so special and lose it.
Stupid.
I think that hurt caused a huge rift that kept me from ever falling in love with Husband. It was the first time I learned I couldn't trust him, even though he was seemingly doing the right thing in his eyes. Turns out he couldn't trust me either, I guess.
Husband has said that I could write Bad Man a letter telling him the hurt he caused me, he's said that all along. But I want him to do it. I want him to stand up for me, even if it is too late to protect me from that hurt. And I think he will. He's been standing up a lot lately.
Husband is so amazing, the man he has become. The boy who failed me doesn't even exist anymore. And the woman who failed him, she is gone as well. We are both new and very blessed for it.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Mea Culpa
My fault or my own fault. I just want to put this out there because I could spend the first half of almost every post I write, saying Mea Culpa. And rather than do that, I'll just write this one post and then link to it every time I feel like I'm going to say something that might sound like a cop out.
So... it was my fault. Everything was my choice. I was an adult and I did a very awful thing. I never once want to diminish what I did as being a small thing, I never want it to seem like I ever think it was ok or no big deal.
The pain I might feel or have gone through pales in comparison to what Husband must have gone through. I know this. My pain is small to what he felt.
So... Mea Culpa.
...remember this great song?
So... it was my fault. Everything was my choice. I was an adult and I did a very awful thing. I never once want to diminish what I did as being a small thing, I never want it to seem like I ever think it was ok or no big deal.
The pain I might feel or have gone through pales in comparison to what Husband must have gone through. I know this. My pain is small to what he felt.
So... Mea Culpa.
...remember this great song?
Life is not hard, just live it.
I was listening to a song on the radio and I was really getting into is. Good lyrics, good music, and a good message about life. She was basically saying that life is hard, keep trying. At first I was into it, buying into the message because life had been so hard during the past year, during my recovery and aftermath from an affair. Then I really thought about it. What a bunch of crap. Life is hard, if your heart is stuck and your living elsewhere. But if you give up all that junk, all the living elsewhere and being happy if.... then life isn't hard.
Life can just be life. Sure things happen. Sure you don't have control over alot of things. But if you can take the time to enjoy life and what it offers you don't have to try any more. Stop trying and just live in the moment. Enjoy what you have and stop thinking about what you don't have.
Honestly, try this for a day; count how many times you actually think about yesterday (the past) or tomorrow (the future) and it will probably amaze you.
I was simply blown away when I started to become aware of how many times in just one day I would be trying to "live" somewhere else. I would think of getting a new, better job, a bigger house, more travel. My vacation that is coming up in a few months. I would "fantasize" about wining the lottery and what I would do with it. I would worry about bills, money, life. My job consumed many of my thoughts as well.
Then there were times when I would play those old tapes in my head, over and over. I would think about the times when I embarrassed myself or did something stupid or something I regretted. It was like I was constantly living somewhere else and I didn't even know it. My heart was so disconnected from my life, because I filled my head with thoughts about every possible thing, except for the moment I was living, the present.
Now that I know this, I find that life is not hard. It's easy. It is freeing to just live and not worry, not focus on junk and just enjoy every thing. Sometimes I just look up and enjoy the clouds, trees, and beautiful wonder that is Gods creation. Sometimes I just enjoy the heart felt love from my gorgeous wife. Other times I just watch my kids and let the story of my life unfold without using the time to worry or fret about stuff that may never even happen.
Do I still have thoughts about the past and future? Of course. But where I once lived my life inside in a cave of misery and wishful thinking I now enjoy the sunlight and open fields of Gods love. It is a whole new world of life.
Try it. I mean it, I challenge you. Just take time to be mindful of your mind. Use a notebook or just take a few minutes at the end of the day and see just how much time you spend looking backwards or forwards in time and let me know what you find. I'll bet you will be surprised.
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