Setbacks

I guess I'm still not 100% sure about this blog and what it means and what my role is here. I really do feel absolutely compelled to help people.

Shortly after the affair, I was searching for help on the web. I didn't find much at all. An ivillage forum for women, stupid web pages, and then I found this. If you get past her shameless 'buy my book, buy my book, and oh, did I tell you I wrote this book', its actually an ok site. But her book title (I know, I know) is what really struck me: "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Happened to Me".

At first I thought she was a loon. And she's Canadian, and they kinda like loons, so... But now I get it. I understand the title, because that is what happened here. My wife's affair became the best thing that happened to us. I can still say that it was evil, bad, and dark, but God can take ANYTHING and use it for good. And He did, He used it, we listened and followed, and the Big Bad, became the thing that took us closer than I ever thought that two people could be.

So today I had a setback. Weird because I was on such a good run for over two months. I had consistently balled, walled, cried, what have you, up until June. Then I had my epiphany about life and living and since then, fucking great! I mean no weird thoughts, trust issues, wanting to punch the steering wheel on the drive home, or crying and not being able to stop. Nothing like the first 8 months. But today I think I opened the door, just a crack mind you, and let in the wrong stuff.

I have talked before about the 'Brewsters Millions' game we played. I would play the lottery and fantasize about what would I do if I won.

Since our discovery, I have played the lottery a few times without any thoughts or dreaming but this time was different. I actually dreamed, over the course of a week, of 6 numbers. And since I rarely even remember what my dreams are, to remember numbers was weird, so I thought, why not. And I played those numbers. But the whole day I was distracted by EVERYTHING. Life, the Big Bad, stress, money, work and it was like a tape I couldn't shut off.

And all I got was $10 fucking dollars and that was from the second 'easy pic' ticket and not even my numbers. That sucked. So now I have to pull myself out of this setback and get back to living a life of the spirit and stop living life from yesterday or tomorrow.

And I promise myself to not play. Ever again. Ever. I just can't open that door, even a crack.