LIttle Hurts: Part I

Preface: Mea Culpa

Its weird. I never set out to meet anyone, never in my life would I imagine I'd find myself in such a situation. And because of that I was not guarded, I guess.

I don't want to act like I am making excuses. I really am just trying to dissect all of this, and maybe be helpful to some people who are going through this. Maybe what I saw and went through could be helpful.

The first time I "met" the other... it was like listening myself talk. He seemed to understand a very deep seeded hurt I experienced, understood more than anyone who I'd ever talked to. That is was started it me toward a slippery slope.

Almost immediately I became very...obsessed with him. I just wanted to talk more in depth about it with him. I sort of feel like it was that hurt that made me vulnerable in the first place. And so funny (not funny "ha ha" funny strange) that the hurt was caused by a group of over zealous Christians. They thought they were doing the work of God, and all they did was damage me so spiritually that it took me over 10 years to recover.

Little hurts. Many little hurts built up over time... it begins like that. By the time you understand what is happening, you are too far gone. I think Husband would call these 'arrows' that wound your heart and soul.

The biggest hurt of my life centered around my faith. When we were newly engaged Husband was a part of a Christian group where he was in a position of leadership. I belonged to no such group and, although I had a very deep faith in God, I was private about it.

Just after he'd proposed, Husband and I had one discussion about faith that ended with me crying when he said I couldn't know God because my relationship with Jesus wasn't what "they" thought it should be. These words from his mouth, to say that my prayers and the works I'd seen from God in my life weren't real, hurt terribly.

He never brought up faith again, and so when he was asked by his Christian Leader (aka Bad Man) if I was a Christian, he said no.

No.

No...

So Bad Man told Husband that he must either leave me or convert me, and if he did neither he would lose his position in their meaningless inconsequential little campus ministry. Bastards. Yes, I am still a tad angry. But just a little.

Husband chose to come to me and forceably convert me. He had a chart even. I wept, I cried, it was awful. I couldn't believe that these people were telling me I wasn't good enough for God. And because I didn't have much experience with organized religion, I thougth they were considered to be an authority on the matter. At the end he was like, "Oh, you are a Christian...Hmmmm." and went back and told Bad Man.

It hurt that I wasn't good enough, but it also hurt that Husband couldn't understand why it hurt me so much.

This time in our life has come to be known as November. Because, the entire month I was subject to collapsing spells of grief and sorrow that would often cause me to fall to the ground weeping. In the grass, on the way from the dining hall, in my dorm room, wherever I happen to be.

All this hurt was more painful because Husband couldn't understand why I was so upset. He thought I was being silly. He had no comprehension about why this hurt me so much. Finally I came up with an analogy that hit close enough to one of his insecurities that he finally understood, understood and cried because he felt badly.

But the bigger hurt was that he didn't stand up for me.

For so many many years I put the blame on the Bad Man, he was the leader. But Husband should have stood up for me. At that point in our relationship I hadn't fallen in love with Husband yet (clearly, it took me about 11 years to do that), I was still of the camp that love would come. Had he stood up for me, his shining eyes protecting me, I have no doubt my love would have come shortly after.

But he failed me. When it mattered most, he failed me. And that wound ate at me for nearly 10 years. I couldn't talk about the experience without crying. That experience took God away from me, I didn't have the closeness anymore. I couldn't feel him like I did and it left a huge hole inside me that I didn't even begin to know how to fill.

So when the Other spoke of his darkness and hole left by where God had once been... it struck a chord with me. Finally someone understood what it meant to have something so special and lose it.

Stupid.

I think that hurt caused a huge rift that kept me from ever falling in love with Husband. It was the first time I learned I couldn't trust him, even though he was seemingly doing the right thing in his eyes. Turns out he couldn't trust me either, I guess.

Husband has said that I could write Bad Man a letter telling him the hurt he caused me, he's said that all along. But I want him to do it. I want him to stand up for me, even if it is too late to protect me from that hurt. And I think he will. He's been standing up a lot lately.

Husband is so amazing, the man he has become. The boy who failed me doesn't even exist anymore. And the woman who failed him, she is gone as well. We are both new and very blessed for it.