The Story of What Happened

So, what did happen with us? The truth is, I never did love my husband like I should. I always loved him as a friend and companion, I was just never able to fall in love with him. I was like poor Princess Buttercup grieving over her dead Wesley. "I will never love again" she says. She never did, she loved Wesley always, but consented to marry. However, awful Humperdink did know she didn't love him, and didn't much care and Wesley returns to claim her.

I guess my dream was that I would live a happy life with Husband, or at least a contented life, and one day, perhaps in the after life, I would find that love of my life.

So our relationship was made up of friendship and really good sex, but not much more. At least on my part. But the sex was always so empty to me, especially when I started to drift away from my husband toward the Other. I would find myself crying afterwards in the darkness, feeling so hopeless and lost because I could never fulfill my need to have love the way I wanted.

I drifted away. I met someone and, how cliche, but it was online. That person became my constant companion, it progressed to talking through IM and on the phone. On the long nights I was alone, I actually spent with him. I was living a whole other life. And the people closest to me could tell, except for Husband. He was taken by surprise.

I did meet the other. I thought I needed to. To see if it was real. In that meeting I did very much feel like it was real, our connection. uh oh...get ready for a side tangent.

(random tangent: During this time two completely weird things happened, two different times. Very similar and the first I blew off to the point that I hardly recall it. But the second one is vivid. I was walking down the darkened street with the Other, we were talking. It was that first night of meeting.

We were headed to a beach to talk and in front of me I saw a large light, round, the size of a tennis ball. It hovered in the street in front of me. I couldn't tell where it was coming from-it wasn't a BEAM of light either. Just a singular ball of light floating in front of me. I often wonder what the hell that was. Was it an angel trying to watch and make sure nothing too horrible happened during my exploration with the Other, or was it more of a willow wisp leading me to my doom? I have no idea.

I grew up in a church that saw good and evil as real forces and real beings. Not just words for the deeds of men. I don't know what to think about that wisp of light, but it was weird.)

Ok, that is over now. So we met and I felt like it was real. But the minute I got back to my life I started cutting myself. All along my arms. I didn't know how to live in my body, with what had happened. Not that it matters, but I can at least say we didn't consummate our relationship. I thank God for that. ...I always feel like I am saying that to excuse myself or separate myself from those that "did it". It doesn't really matter that we didn't consummate. I betrayed my husband, I was unfaithful in my heart and I wanted to run away. It was just the same.

Stay tuned to learn about the discovery...