Why am I doing this?

Hello. I am Scarlet, I am married, I have two small children and I committed a terrible crime against my husband. Let me first say that he is aware and in his infinite goodness he has forgiven me. Truly and wholly. The problem is, I have not forgiven me. I don't know how to.


I think perhaps being forced to write what happened, have to look it in the eye will help me find a way to come to terms. Because I have to move past this. My husband is free from it, but as long as it keeps a strangle hold on me, we will never be fully free of the mark.

I carry the mark inside my head and on my heart and in my soul. The mark makes me want to rake my face with sharpened nails, draw blood, pull a steel blade across my arm, poke out my eyes. The thoughts come, wash over me and all I can do is pray.

I need to figure this out. I need to put this in the past and move forward. I need to stop being afraid.

I will explore here what happened, what is happening and what may happen. If ever anyone reads this, I welcome your comments. Your scorn is not welcome, I have enough of it in my own head. But if you are a wounded soul, if you have wounded others, feel free to come here and process with me. If you somehow figure out who I am in real life, I ask you to please keep it to yourself.

This scarlet letter is a destroyer in many ways, but for me it was a creator. Not it in itself, but it opened a door on an ugliness that needed confronting. I was made naked before God and my husband and in the moment I was my most naked, I whispered the words that mattered most.

From my lips to God's ears, my prayer was answered in that moment and my life was saved. My present and future was saved. But my past haunts me and I must find the way to make peace. To vanquish it, because I cannot settle with co-existence. I cannot live with the horror of my dark deed.

Therefore I must peer into my darkness and see what I find there. Only then will I find my freedom.

I also hope that perhaps someone who has found themselves in this situation, or finds themselves moving in the direction, might take some comfort from me. If I could help one person... I haven't fully decided if I should go comment as Scarlet or not. To bring readers in. But a big part of me says that I have something to offer to readers-something that might help them. Since this all happened I feel compelled to tell people, women especially, that there IS hope. There is a way! Life can be full of joy!

So that is me, take me as I am.