The Insidious Online Affair

Insidious

1. intended to entrap or beguile: an insidious plan.
2. stealthily treacherous or deceitful: an insidious enemy.
3. operating or proceeding in an inconspicuous or seemingly harmless way but actually with grave effect: an insidious disease.

That is perfect for what can happen when you think you're protected by distance, anonomity and a computer screen. You are free to be anything you want, to pretend anyone you want... but even more...to be yourself.

When you connect with people online, you have a safe way to open your life to them without worry that they will expose your dark secrets. Without having to look them in the face when you give them pieces of you. However, as you intimately share yourself and your life with someone other than your spouse, it can very quickly become emotional.

And even worse, as you find yourself walking down the twisted web of internet relationship, you get closer and closer to making the surreal become real. Its a slippery slope. First innocent chatting, then secret sharing and heartfelt conversations, then not so innocent chatting, then you might progress to cyber sex or pictures or phone sex and before you know it, you find yourself in a sleezy motel between here and South Dakota to meet this "person" you are so in love with.

And you don't even see it coming! You say "Omg, he lives 400 miles away from me. And its just pretend sex, its not real. Its not like we're actually doing it." but you are. And that is how it is insidious. It gives you a false sense of safety. But I warn you all, you are not safe. You can get pulled in and sucked under and be tangled and drowning in the weeds before you even realize you fell off the boat.

I'm just saying...

I thought this picture was interesting...lets pretend "Brad" is your spouse, your therapist or a trusted friend who can talk sense into you. Reach out to help-even if you don't want to. Listen to the little voice screaming in your head and tell someone to help you before you fall off the boat.

Chicken Fried Thoughts

A friend asked me today how do I deal with the thoughts of my wife and the Other. Hmm.. it had been a while since I have had those thoughts but here's a stab at it.

First I have to say that I thought about it every.single.day for 4 to 6 months. Those first few months I would obsess over all kinds of details. Images that I either read about or that my wife told me about would play like broken tapes over and over. There were days that all I could do was to hold out till the car ride home just to stop from crying all day at work. Then there were nights were I cried all night long. Most of the crying was triggered or all about those thoughts.

But I had a wonderful sage, in our therapist. He definitely helped me through most of the big nagging thoughts that I was having a hard time with. His advice was that most of my issues were in the form of those obsessive thoughts but had a lie under them.

For instance, the fact that my wife and the other had constant contact with each other really bothered me. I knew that they emailed, IMed, texted, and talked many many times all day long. I went back to one month of her cell phone bill and found that she had text messaged him over 550 times in one month. I would obsess over that. I would text my wife and then check my cell phone every minute until she would text back. Of course, immediately I would think of all the contacts that my wife and the other had and want to cry. Then my mind would only go in a downward spiral from there.

'Why doesn't she text me as much as she did to him? Was their relationship stronger/better/bigger than ours? Was he better at communicating than me? Did he do a better job of loving her? Maybe he really was better than me, better at most things and better at loving my wife than I could?

So, I tried at first to just fight those thoughts. I tried very hard not to think about them. In order to distract myself I would think of other things totally unrelated. This is very hard to do 2 months out from D-day (discovery day). And it doesn't work. Believe me when I tell you that I tried. It really only helped me to put off the eventual breakdown of crying, sobbing, and wailing that came when the downward spiral had run its course inside my head.

My sage had the only real technique that really worked. Behind most of these nagging type thoughts, was a lie. And that was always the case with me. If you go back to my inner thoughts above you can almost see the progression that leads to the lie. My insecurity was screaming out 'Am I really a good, lovable, person, better than the other? The lie that my flesh was wresting with was that if I was a 'good' person than the affair would not have happened. But that's not true. I certainly had culpability in the affair, but ultimately it was my wife's choice and not mine. And the amount of text messages that I got or didn't get from my wife after the affair was not an indication of our relationship. (for her the reverse is actually true, as she found herself rid of the obsessive thoughts of her other, she was able to focus on life and work and not being trapped in a sick world lived inside her head)

The other thing that helped me was journaling. In my case I used poetry instead of a true journal, but the same principal applies. I had so many thoughts/feelings/emotions/junk in my head it really did help to take out a notebook and jot some thoughts down. In the first three months after D-day I wrote over 50 poems. Not all good or even made sense, but they all helped in some way to get out a thought or feeling.

In hindsight, I still do have some thoughts. But the 'some' I have is like a trickle of rain for a few moments compared to the day long hurricane that came shortly after the discovery. Since I know that there is a lie behind them all (and have the emotional stability to boot) I can take the time to weed through each one, knowing that just because there is a random thought there, doesn't mean anything at all. I deal with the lie, fry it up in a poem, and move on.

Maybe Not....

Beautiful Song by Cat Power, when you read the lyrics I think it is amazing. I'll leave it up to your interpretation. And just listen to her voice. Music can be very healing....



Maybe Not: Cat Power

There's a dream that I see, I pray it can be
Look cross the land, shake this land
A wish or a command
I Dream that I see, don?t kill it, it's free
You?re just a man, you get what you can

We all do what we can
So we can do just one more thing
We can all be free
Maybe not in words
Maybe not with a look
But with your mind

Listen to me, don't walk that street
There's always an end to it
Come and be free, you know who I am
We're just living people

We won't have a thing
So we'd got nothing to lose
We can all be free
Maybe not with words
Maybe not with a look
But with your mind

You've got to choose a wish or command
At the turn of the tide, is withering thee
Remember one thing, the dream you can see
Pray to be, shake this land

We all do what we can
So we can do just one more thing
We won't have a thing
So we've got nothing to lose
We can all be free
Maybe not with words
Maybe with a look
But with your mind

But with your mind

How to Stop an Affair

How does one stop an affair, this is a question I've been wondering about. Many people would just say simply-you just stop. But it doesn't seem to be that simple. The affair and whatever you get from it is intoxicating and addictive and like many addictions, it is very hard to give up a habit on your own.

In my opinion, it seems like the only way to really truly end the affair is to be discovered. Sure, you might stop at some point on your own or because it was stopped by your "Other", but if it is not discovered and just ended by you, I think the baggage sticks with you. You still have everything still locked away inside you, this thing you did, this thing you had. Perhaps you are truly sorry and repentant, but its difficult to find forgiveness for something that is still kept secret.

And on the topic of secrets, secrets are poison. They change you and who you are a lot of times. How many people stop an affair and then spend their days trying to make it up to their unknowing spouse. Racked with guilt. That person becomes "the Spouse who had an affair" and I argue it changes the real you and it turns you into a ghost in your relationship.

A friend of mine recently found out her husband cheated on her many years ago and never told her. I was able to have a long conversation with him and he was telling me even though the affair stopped, the thought processes, the secrets and all that junk that goes with it was still in the head.

My response to him was to say that neither he nor his wife really knew who he was in their relationship. That the husband he was, was a husband that was keeping secrets and coping with baggage, not a free human be to live and grow and love.

This comes to a question I have. Do you tell someone about an affair, even if its over. Before I had committed my own adultery I would have said telling your spouse was selfish and only a tool to try to rid you of your guilt. Better to suffer in silence and not cause pain to your spouse.

I completely reversed my opinion on that after my own incident. I see now that keeping secrets and living in a marriage based on a huge lie is no way to live. Your marriage is a shadow of what it could be. I know if I had never told my husband and worked hard with him on coming to terms with why it happened and trying to forgive myself, I would have lived in our marriage as a ghost. And a marriage based on a lie has a sinkhole as its foundation. (Oddly, I always said if my spouse committed adultery, I wouldn't want to know. I didn't think I could forgive him. I sort of suck that way. lol!)

Of course I'm open to opposing opinions, but I'd like to hear mainly from people who are no longer in the affair. I think, for the most part, if you are still in the midst of your affair, that your judgement on these matters is off. But that is just based on my own experience. So if you had an affair in the past, did you tell the truth and if it was discovered, did you come clean with total transparency? (and when I say transparency, I don't mean all the nasty details, I mean disclosing all lies to your spouse).

A Year Ago Today...

Husband and I found each other amidst the chaos and trauma that swirled around us. We were lucky, as the storm fought to overturn us, there was a guide there. Like Jesus pulling Peter out of the tossing sea.

Our therapist helped tremendously in those first hours. I am being very serious when I tell you, find the right therapist and go there together ASAP. Those first hours are crucial.

And thankfully we survived and are strong and in love. A year ago today, I feel very much like my life was saved.

Is There Such Thing as a Soulmate?

This was the question that vexed me during the time I was "away" (which is how I refer to the period of my affair because I didn't live in my body, I was more like a robot than anything.) Was Other my soul mate? Was there such thing? I had never thought so, I didn't think there was just one person out there for me.

A year after I was married my best friend and I went to a psychic. She didn't say anything of much consequence to my bf besides telling her that she wasn't with her soul mate, that made her angry.

But when I went in she could tell I was married even though I was only 21 and had emeralds on my wedding finger, not anything that looked like a wedding band. She seemed to know that things were very bad at home. (I had spent the whole first year of my marriage crying in the bathroom because I still loved my ex-boyfriend and not my poor husband).

She looked at me with such kind eyes and promised me that it would get better. My eyes filled with tears...then she told me that I had married my soul mate, I scoffed in my head, knowing he was not. I disregarded most of what she said after that point. But little did I know.

I've always considered myself an Empath. Not to everyone, but to people who I chose to tune to, it was like I could feel them. Even when we weren't together. Mostly this worked against me because I would tune in to people who were somehow dark and twisted. And try as I did to heal and save them, I could not. Their darkness was always too great. I need to do a blog about the dark ones, the ones that I think opened me up and put some little black seed inside me long ago that took years to burst out of me in the form of an affair. There are many things I still have to write about.

But back to my connection, my Empathy. I ended up binding myself to the Other, I couldn't help it. At first I convinced myself I was trying to help him, I wanted to make his life better. But as time went on I saw that is was more a compulsion... and then an addiction.

I don't know how much detail I want to go in to- I still try to shield my Husband from all the details that he doesn't need to know. He knows all the facts, but he doesn't need to know word for word or have more things in his head about it than he needs to. So I'll probably save detail for a time when this event is further away from us. Its still pretty fresh and raw sometimes.

But I had a few eerie moments where it seemed like we were connected in some other worldly way, some unexplainable way. And I let my train of thought go to pondering if he was my soul mate. It made it less my fault if it was some cosmic absolute that I wouldn't have been able to escape from if I wanted to. It was my way to deflect my blame and let me continue on my path with him.

After the discovery it seemed like I was instantly free and cut free from him. I quit being aware of where he was and what he was doing every minute of the day. I stopped having the conversations with him in my head like I always seemed to be doing. And I stopped feeling him.

Suddenly I was bound and feeling my husband. But not to the extent that Husband was feeling me, something that he had never experienced in his life. Here are some examples.

The first one was a few days after the discovery. I was at work and trying to purge the email address of the Other from my work computer as well as block him from emailing me. Something happened and for the briefest of moments I thought I had emailed him accidentally. I panic, my heart shot out of my chest and I was terrified.

20 seconds later I got a text message from Husband asking me what was wrong. He felt it and he was freaked out. He was in a training all day so he couldn't call me, but I was panicked to explain what happened and let him know that I didn't do anything and had not intended to anything. But... Husband felt my panic, from over 200 miles away.

The other time I remember very vividly was when I journaling about the discovery. This was a few weeks after everything. I was writing the awful details and moving through a whole host of awful uncomfortable emotions.

excerpt from journal- Sept 29th, 2007

...Finally when the night came so did my tears at the thought of me sleeping separate from Husband. I finally was allowed to lay on the floor beside him and although he was filled with hurt and anger-

(Husband just called. He's not doing well. I think he picked up on what I was writing. His feelings started as I started writing... then he tried to write what he was feeling and it only made him feel worse.

He really seems to feel me now, sense me. And I worry because mostly I am numb. I think my subconscious is holding everything at bay because it knows it will crush me.)

I am skipping to the good stuff now. Just know there was tremendous hurt and I was the cause.

Then we walked into the office of our therapist, a christian counselor, and told him our troubles. Something about him, his kind face, concerned eyes and soothing voice calmed the storm in Husband.

(Husband just called again. he felt suddenly better and asked if I was writing still. I laughed and said yes but the good stuff. He said he could tell)

Weird, huh? Maybe coincidence. But get this one. This next one will freak you out.

I'm a vivid dreamer and am prone to nightmares. One night I had a dream about everyone's eyes turning black. I don't remember this dream, but Husband tells me I woke and told him about it during the night.

A few nights later I had another dream. This time I had a dream that Husband's eyes were turning black, there was an oil like darkness seeping across the pupils to blot out his sight and possess him with demons. I had to fight the blackness by repeating phrases from the bible constantly. I woke up freaked out and told husband about it.

It was probably later that day that he sat me down and told me he had to tell me something. Every time he does that I am stricken and the blood drains from my face. Even still, almost a year later.

He told me that the Other had a blog that he found and that he had been looking at it. He said that the night I had my first dream was the day he looked at the Other's blog and the picture of the Other had his eyes blacked out. He told me this had worried him, that he thought I was somehow still connected to the Other.

Then he told me the night I had my second dream was the next time he looked at the blog and that this time the eyes had black running down his face and coming out his mouth-it said the picture was horrible, dark and scary.

He said that it hadn't been a recent blog post from the Other, it had been a few days old, so he determined it wasn't the Other I was connected to, but to him and what he was seeing that was bothering him. Both times he'd looked at it, that night I dreamed about the blackness taking over the eyes. But the second time it was Husbands eyes.

This freaked me out on more than one level. But more than anything I took the warning from my dream and told him that he MUST NOT go to his blog ever again. I deeply feel it was a warning.

So in the end of all of this... perhaps there is such a thing as a soul mate. Perhaps the psychic was right about us. Regardless, I do know there is such thing as a God Intended Mate because I feel strongly that husband and I are, at the very least, that. But probably much much more. I just never opened myself to see or feel it.

p.s. to those who have emailed me, I'm a little behind. Please check your email, I am responding.

Being Deliberate in Your Marriage

After the discovery of my affair, and the subsequent salvation of my marriage, I found myself having to be very deliberate in my communication and interactions with my husband.

Self awareness is very important during these times, knowing what is going on in your head and why and then sharing it is integral in the healing process. How often do we act out, react to something in anger when deep down we know there is something at the root of us that makes us act this way? Some undiscovered hurt? I know I've been guilty of it.

For instance if your partner says something to you that hurts you, instead of reacting with anger and accusations which would escalate the issues, why not peel back that layer of the onion and see whats there. Tell your partner what hurt you and why. As we tell our children, "Use your words".

Communications is often the first thing that breaks down in a marriage. Communication is like the oil in the car, as it runs low you aren't necessarily aware. But then strange things start happening, other things start breaking... then the car can't run. And pretty soon you killed the engine. But I don't know enough about cars to make a good car analogy.

But I think I can do walls.

Walls

We as people build little walls around ourselves, we use them to hide, to keep us safe from arrows and protect our secrets. Its a pretty little wall and we've become so used to it that we don't even notice it anymore, it becomes part of our natural landscape.

Then one day we're patrolling our wall and we see someone, we think we know them-it may look like our significant other, but we're not sure. In the light it sort of looks like the punk kid who wrote profanity on the wall a year ago. So we think, 'better safe than sorry' and just shoot random, poorly aimed arrows before they have a chance to hurt the wall.

And maybe they're just loitering. They are standing there, minding their own business. But they look like they could be up to something. So you go for the hot oil and pour it down the wall. Before they know it, they're burning with hot oil and they have no idea why.

But you do. You know that you're just afraid they are going to break down your wall, find you and hurt you.

What you should do instead of pouring that oil or throwing rocks, is lower the drawbridge and let them in. Show them the raw core of you. You may be surprised.

In times when you find yourself ready to fire off the verbal arrow-stop. Spend a moment dissecting it, figure out what is at the root of your reaction and then put it out there simply and honestly. It saves time and heartache and it hurts a hell of a lot less than hot oil.

What I'm really saying is to cut the bullshit and get to the point about your feelings. Don't mask them or transfer them or act out because of them. Own them, then throw them out there and move on with your life.

Family & Friends and Your Wall

Sometimes its not your spouse outside your wall, its your family friends or even just society. They're out there shaking their pitchforks and waving their torches and yelling at you to keep guarding the wall and not to dare let down that drawbridge.

You sit up there knowing you want nothing more than to let someone in, but you're afraid you'll look weak. You wonder what the mob would think, who cares what they'd say. But you know what, who cares? Let me ask you, who do you live your life for? And who should you live your life for? Think about that. If you were true to the core of yourself, what would you do?

In a relationship that has suffered adultery, when the victim decides to stay with their cheating spouse, they are met with confusion and skepticism from their friends and family. How many times have you heard "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Do a Google search, you'll get a gazillion responses with people making this statement.

Your friends and family are often not supportive of rescuing the marriage. They have righteous anger for the wrong you suffered. They don't understand that although they can be angry and hurt for you, they also need to be supportive and understanding of your need to try to save your marriage.

During those initial days after the discovery its so important for you to be strong in what you want, and not let them sway you. You probably are having those same thoughts and feelings on your own, moving up and down in the storm of your emotions. But at the heart of you, you want to fight for your marriage. And so you should, because it is better to have tried to save your marriage than to lose because you didn't bother to fight.

That is primarily what this blog has become. I started to try to process and come to terms with what I did. But now we just want it to be a place people can go to get hope and encouragement as they work on their marriage.

Making the Choice to Save Your Marriage

I've been reading another blogger who recently went through her discovery. I linked to mine so you can know what I mean by discovery. I didn't link to her because she's going through so much, I'm not sure she'd want more people looking at her turmoil and I'm not certain she'll keep blogging. Talking with her through comments, and reading her other comments has made me think of all sorts of things.

In those moments of the discovery it is imperative to make the right choice, and the right choice for your family. As much as we are pro saving your marriage here, I know that not all marriages should be saved. Believe me, I know this. But, with the exception of emotionally/physically abusive relationships, I think that the right thing to do is to at least try.

And why not try? What else do you have to lose by trying? You have so much to lose by giving up and letting it all end.

I knew if everything came out and if I lost my husband, it would be the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I could see myself as an old woman looking back at my life and knowing that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I knew that I would be miserable.

When I was sitting in the office with the counselor that day after the Discovery, he asked me what I wanted. A whole host of things flew through my head. I thought about the Other, the connections we had, how badly I wanted to be married to someone I was in love with. I wanted to be free to be in love. But that wasn't really the right answer. If I was truly objective the answer would be that I wanted to love my husband desperately.

So when he asked me, I said, "in a perfect world, I'd love my husband."

I'm sorry I cannot really explain what happened in those next moments. I can't explain how I fell in love suddenly. Love that I had never felt before. This is where it is a bit different for me than many others. I started with Husband knowing I didn't love him like that. But content to be with my friend and feeling like I'd never love anyone. It wasn't me settling, it was me making a choice to pick someone I knew would make a great husband, friend and father. I thought that would be enough, but it wasn't.

Many people who marry have been in love with their spouse at some point. There was something there that drew you to each other. Over the years you lose so much of yourself. Love is replaced with resentment and apathy. Pretty soon you're a stranger to each other.

But if you opened yourself up, opened your life and your heart and all the secrets in your soul to your spouse, and your spouse to you... you could begin again. You could start new and build something beautiful from your broken marriage.

If you were the betrayer, like I was, that choice of fighting isn't so much in your control. You are at the mercy of your spouse to decide if they can bear to be with you anymore. But, in those moments you could chose complete an total honesty. You can be fully open with them and do everything you can do to convince them you want to get help for your marriage.

I just hate seeing people give up. Seeing people who know there is something broken in their marriage and that they don't love their spouse, decide it is too late. Sometimes its not too late.

I had no reason to fight, I knew I never loved him, what would make me think that would change? And we'd had so many fights over the years, so many hurtful pointless patterns we fell in to. They hadn't changed in 10 years of marriage, why would they change now?

But they did, fully and completely change. When something so awful happens your whole life goes through an enormous change and you have no choice but to adapt, to kick through the water to the surface, take that deep shuttering first breath and make for the nearest shore.

Keep swimming, swim until your arms give out. And if you don't make it, if you sink into the water and drowned, well, at least you know you gave it everything you had. You tried your best. You can move on and make the best of your after-life. But, please, at least try to make for land.

Kings and Queens in Exile

So often, especially after a tragedy in our life, we cry out "why, why me God" These feelings, especially after a betrayal by your loved one, strikes us to the core.

For those still stuck, it may seem quite the opposite. Thoughts may be
'why am I stuck here and not with the Other?'
'why did I not meet the Other, until too late in life?'

It strikes us in our heart, because this is not the way life is supposed to be. Life is supposed to be better and our heart and souls know this to be true.

The 17th century philosopher, Pascal, writes:

Man is so great that his greatness appears even in knowing himself to be miserable. A tree has no sense of its misery. It is true that to know we are miserable is to be miserable; but to know we are miserable is also to be great. Thus all the miseries of man prove his grandeur; they are the miseries of a dignified personage, the miseries of a dethroned monarch…What can this incessant craving, and this impotence of attainment mean, unless there was once a happiness belonging to man, of which only the faintest traces remain, in that void which he attempts to fill with everything within his reach?

The void that is there, the misery that we feel so often in this life should not be something to dwell on. No, it should push us onward, knowing full well that the life we seek is so much more than what we have in hand. The life we seek is of a King or Queen. It is to return to the time in the Garden of Eden. To commune with God and be in his presence is what our heart seeks. And that has been lost.

John Eldredge, in The Journey of Desire writes:

Should the king in exile pretend he is happy there? Should he not seek his own country? His miseries are his ally; they urge him on. And so let them grow, if need be. But do not forsake the secret of life; do not despise those kingly desires. We abandon the most important journey of our lives when we abandon desire. We leave our hearts by the side of the road and head off in the direction of fitting in, getting by, being productive, what have you. Whatever we might gain - money, position, the approval of others, or just to get away from the discontent itself - its not worth it.

"What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world and lose his own soul?" (Matt 16:26).

GO now and seek your country. You may be lost, but not forgotten. God desires you and of all things, your heart. That's it. That's all he really wants. Return to the King of Kings and you shall have everything that God intends you to have in life; Joy, Happiness, Mercy, Grace, Forgiveness, and most importantly of all LOVE.

The Storm that Comes: Higher Power's Role Saving your Marriage

We talk a lot about God here, and since we are of the Christian faith we write from that perspective. But I think a lot of what we say can be translated across all faiths, all people, and everyone searching for something more.

I've been thinking a lot about something I heard in church. The story in Matthew (14:22-36) of Peter in the boat with the other apostles. There was a huge storm, they were terrified and thought they were going to die. Then Jesus comes walking across the water. Peter calls to him and Jesus tells him to come to him. Peter steps out onto the water and begins to to go Jesus but as a wind sweeps across him he gets fearful and starts to sink. As he sinks he cries for help and its not till he is sinking that Jesus grabs him and pulls him up, chiding him for his lack of faith.

I see this story in reference to affairs. I think the affair is the storm that rocks your boat and makes you feel like you might die, regardless of your other emotions. And often, as will happen, it is discovered. The discovery is the moments you are sinking into the water, certain that you will be swallowed up by a sea of horrors. But, that is the time to call out for the higher power.

Your marriage is about to drowned and you are at your wits end, fearful and ready to die. Calling out, reaching up for a higher power to pull you and your spouse to safety might just save your marriage. Your higher power gives you a vehicle to unload your baggage and carry you through the emotional twists and turns, hills and valleys that come with the aftermath of an affair. Because you have this vehicle you know you will reach your destination more safely and timely than if you were trying to walk the road alone. And if you have your spouse in the car with you, trying to help you navigate, taking turns at the wheel, it is that much easier.

You have to be on your knees, knowing everything is about to end in order to shed off the old scars and decide to be reborn in your marriage.

If you are sinking right now, reach out for help. Now is the time to act, and if its not through a higher power, then find a professional. Actually we strongly believe that a professional is a great way to have an unbiased, third party, help you and both of you along this journey. Even though we felt God beside us during our journey, our therapist, our sage, was there as well giving us timely advice and help. Because time is precious, those first moments after the discovery, while you're sinking into the darkness, those are the most important moments. That was the moment when I made the right decision and spoke aloud the words that would save my marriage, and I was graciously given that which I requested. You can too. Miracles do happen.

Finding Home

Through all my years of marriage, nothing ever felt like home. And even more, everything always felt temporary. In our first 10 years of marriage we lived in 11 different apartments in 6 different cities in 3 different states. I always thought I was looking for an adventure, that we needed some great cause or some great excitement in our life. But I was very wrong, I can see this now.

I now know that I could never find home anywhere because home is inside of you. The hole in my marriage left me feeling like something was always missing. I just didn't put two and two together and realize it was pointless searching for a home when I wasn't at home in my marriage.

Now that everything is different I feel very much at home, even though I know the apartment I live in is temporary. I am at home here and at home in my marriage because of my new love for my husband. My wanderlust is gone. What a relief.

Adventure

So, last week I had a setback (you can read here) and then this weekend I had an epiphany. I was working and just zoned out enough to pay attention to the job, when it hit me. The reason I'm still looking for/yearning for is the adventure.

See, Eldredge (I know, I know - I should start a fan club- but he's almost that good) speaks of adventure. Its universal, both men and women seek something bigger than ourselves. We yearn to be a part of something much larger than our mundane life. That's why guys root on 'thier' team. See its not just a game. Its much much bigger than that. Football is like the gladiator of our times. As a fan you get to be a part of that.

My best friend is a HUGE Boston Red Sox fan. Huge. He lives his life as a fan. He buys the baseball cable package every year and out of the 150 or so games they will play in a year he will watch about 100 of them. We have traveled around the country to see them play (Milwaukee, Detroit, Chicago, and of course Boston) He buys new hats, shirts, and whatnot all the time. He reads about them and watches highlights--even after watching the entire game. When they lose he gets mad, throws things, and is generally disagreable for a day or so. When they win, high fives all around!!! He has been known on many occasions to start conversations with complete strangers (old, young, male, or female) on the off chance that because they have a 'B' on their hat, they are as a devote fan as him.

The point is that he isn't just a fan of some dumb game, he identifies with them. He is part of the Red Sox Nation, as they like to call themselves. He gets to be a small part, of something much bigger than himself. He is a Red Sox, even if just a fan.

We all need that. The problem is that God has an adventure for us, and we lie to ourselves if we feel that it is a bit part. We can not be the guy holding the shovel, in the back row while William Wallace gives his speech in the movie that is our life. It is our life. We are the star and God wants us to step up and get in that role. We are center stage in a great adventure with God as the director and us as the main character. I know that I myself need to really flesh this out and find out what/where God is directing me, but at least I know can say that I am ready for it and yearning for it.

Healing; Not Forgivness

Its sad for me to see the Christians run around and preach. It really is. Everyone has got it wrong and they continue to push the wrong message to the world. Yes, Jesus offers us forgiveness of sins, but thats not all. Thats not even close. If we only hear that message we are left stuck in a world of hurt, pain, suffering, and our souls left wondering. Wondering for more and when we can't find it we turn to other things for help. Read this quote from Jesus, and tell me what think.

For this people's heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them. (Matt. 13:15)

So where does Jesus talk of forgiveness? Not here. He talks of healing. It is not a metaphor, its not pie in the sky, and its not some reference to heaven. Many christians (in their wanting to rationalize away everything), turn all of Jesus' teachings into a wait for heaven approach to life. "When I get to heaven, it will be all better" Thats not what this passage speaks of. It speaks of healing, here and now.

Jesus' teachings here on earth were about healing. Thats why I get upset when christians run around with thier signs that proclaim 'Jesus Saves' and 'The End is Near'.

Jesus healed the sick, cured the blind, stopped the bleeding, and even gave life to the dead. Thats what Jesus taught. Healing - now.

Explosions

Explosion is the only way I can describe it. It takes you by surprise, comes from no where..without out a warning and suddenly you're just a gooey gross mess.

The last week or so I've been in a funk. And when I'm in a funk I find myself feeling disconnected from Husband. Even though I've gone through these moments before, and have come out of them fine, they still scare me.

Usually they last a little while, maybe a week or two, and when its over I collapse into Husband's arms telling him how much I missed him, wiping away some stray tears.

However last night I totally and completely exploded with emotion. It was after some much needed very deliberate intimacy. I was happy, feeling happy and suddenly I just exploded into a blubbering crying mess. I confessed how scared I was, afraid that my feelings for him would turn out to be a cruel joke and I'd have to go back to pretending. During those moments, I know that is my darkest fear. That somehow I'm tricking myself. But always, the fear will suddenly melt away and I tell Husband how much I missed him. And always the feelings of closeness, connectedness and in-love-edness (which is not a word) returns. And I realize my fears were unfounded.

Through my choking sobs I began laughing at myself for crying so explosively. And as I cackled like a crazy woman, I wept...at.the.same.time. I was able to choke out that I was acting like a crazy lady. I think I was just overwhelmed by everything I'd been feeling for the last few days, and feeling so lonely while Husband was working. I really need to take care of myself during the alone times. Need to find some friends or something, I'm telling you.

I think after a major breakdown the emotions can be somewhat unstable. There are many triggers for feelings our body and senses remember, even if our mind doesn't. For instance, sex was a huge trigger for me. For 11 years Husband and I never made love. Not once. It was always sex, great sex, fucking even. But never slow lingering love-making where you stare into the eyes of the person with such love and longing.

In the moonlight, the night of the Hilltop Discovery, was the first time we'd ever made love. Husband was amazed sex could be something so wonderful and intimate and fullfilling. I always knew it could be that way. I longed for it.

So after the discovery and Hilltop, any time intimacy was something beside slow and loving I totally freaked out and bawled like a baby. It just brought on so many memories of 10 years of emptiness. I couldn't take it.

Wow, probably TMI for many readers out there. But hey, I'm trying to be transparent.