The Test

These next few months will be the real test for me. Marriage is much easier when life is easier. When bills aren't stretching you thin, the weather is beautiful and you have a lot of time to spend together. Its just effortless.

These next few months promise to not be easy.

I had a taste of life to come this winter and it was not pretty. Husband ended up working 3 weekends in a row, and when he works weekends we don't see him from Saturday morning until Sunday afternoon. It sucks. I was so lonely... and from loneliness came depression.

I hated it, I was afraid of it. Depression, sadness, loneliness...aren't those the first little pieces that lead us to stray? I am always afraid of myself. Above everyone else, I always did the right thing and me not doing the right thing makes me doubt myself completely. I could rationally say something like the affair will never happen again. But I could rationally say before that an affair would NEVER happen at all. I don't know how it happen. Actually I do, I was tricked...by myself, but tricked all the same. Stupid. But I believed completely that I was above something so low... and now I know otherwise. It sucks. But I have learned a whole new compassion for people who find themselves in the unhealthy addiction of an affair.

So during these times when I don't get to connect with Husband I find myself terrified. And the thing I am most afraid of is that this will go away. This thing we have, this love. I lived many years without feeling in love and constantly feeling badly and I am so afraid of that. I'm afraid that all of this is a cruel trick and one day I'll wake up and find out I was fooling myself.

These thoughts and feelings plague me in my loneliness and instead of reaching out, I shut down. I pull in and seclude even more. I now know that what I do need to do is really reach out to my friends to keep me company during these months when Husband works so much. Even just having my neighbors come down to watch a movie with me... or going to my sisters house to watch the boys play. I think that will help.

Its all about self caring. We have to insulate ourselves during good times so when the hard times come we will be ready. Its like an emotional nest egg. You need that plan in place for when things start to get hard.

What have you done lately to care for yourself?