Graduation Day!

Yesterday, 1 month shy of a year from the first time we met him, our counselor smiled at us and told us he thought it might be time for us to be finished. He smiled his calm sweet smile and Husband and I beamed back at him. Yes, were are ready.

We may have been ready before this, but I was still hanging on to the baggage of hate and self loathing. I knew in my mind that I needed to let it go, but I couldn't force it. Then I had the epiphany that helped release so much of what haunted me. Suddenly the attacks of remembrance and horror stopped. I was free.

I explained this all to him and he commented that I looked more at ease than he's seen me since we began coming a year ago. And he is right. At the moment I feel like I'm floating in a lulling calm that is gently rocking me in my life. Soothing and comfortable and safe. I still have stress in my life, but I have an inner peace that wasn't there before.


Husband smiled, commented on how, even though I had the epiphany, I still find it hard to verbalize the role he played in what happened. And yes, that is true. I don't want to ever act like there was an excuse. I said that I could acknowledge that the stuff made me more susceptible to making the mistakes I did (although I felt like that took away my free will a bit), but I found comfort in it.

Therapist said sometimes you just can't dissect it all. It just is, without explanation. Things happen and we can find peace in whatever manner we find it, even if it doesn't make sense.

Husband and I left our session ready to miss him a bit, but hoping we can meet under different circumstances some day. And I'm sure we will. I cannot say enough about the importance of seeking outside help to guide you through the process. Therapist was key in healing us in those moments after the discovery, and probably more easily explainable, God through Therapist. He always seemed to say the exact thing we needed to hear to help us through the week.

And he talked, he counseled. As someone trained in the field, we're trained to ask leading questions and let people talk things out. He talked, and we listened and I needed him to say all the things he said. His words were like salve on the wounds, and I am so thankful that it was him we saw that day after the discovery.

So please, if anyone needs help, go find a counselor. And keep looking till you find the right one for you and your partner.