Can't Sleep

Occasionally, when husband gets up extra early for work, I find myself unable to sleep. I toss and turn and listen to the radio, but I don't go back to sleep.

This morning I thought a lot about my need to remake myself. It was imperative for me to become someone different from the woman who drifted into the arms of another. I wanted to be far from her as much as possible.

But I think that focus is a bit dense on my part. I think when I suddenly fell in love with my husband I became someone I never was before already. Being a person in love changes you. Being a person who is half a relationship built on real love and respect is completely different than before.

Not that I allow myself to be defined by my relationship. Actually, I guess that is what I'm trying to do with the whole re-making. That part is for me. I want to feel strong inside and out, I want to be able to do battle if I need to. Not that I think I'll have to knock down with Orcs any time soon. But I want to feel strong and confident all over.

For the last decade my confidence was always faked. My body and skin was a weight that pulled me down and kept me weak and small, even if I didn't seem to be that way. I want to like myself all over, not just me inside, but all of me.

I deserve that.

And on the topic of deserve. Wow, that is a hard word for me to use. Society tells me I deserve scorn and humiliation. My mind told me the same thing for months after the "accident". But I've been blessed to have found a wonderful therapist that gets constantly on me to let go of those thoughts (and Husband usually joins his band wagon).

They say I deserve Grace and Love and Forgiveness. I am only human and I made a mistake. I have repented. What I deserve is to move on and to live my life to the full. My heart deserves to be whole and I deserve to love myself and my life.