Cutting

As I mentioned before, after the "accident" I began cutting myself. Anything to stop the thoughts. I would be freaking out, breaking down and feeling crazy and the cutting stopped it. This was the first time I cut myself since I was in very unhealthy relationship back in college.

The thing is, in college I cut myself as punishment for doing things that went against what I felt was right inside my soul. I was lost and dark and I was doing things to myself because life stop mattering to me. The cutting created a physical manifestation of the mental and emotional anguish I felt. It drew it out of me, made it something I could see.

After Husband and I became settled together the cutting stopped. And here, years later, I find myself cutting again.

After the discovery, during my moments of intense self loathing, I would just fantasize about cutting myself. But I knew I couldn't, and knew that Husband wouldn't want me to, so I didn't. And now, I don't think about cutting at all. Its nice.

Here is a song by Plumb that I think is beautiful. I discovered it by accident while listening to some streaming audio online somewhere.