The Boogyman: The Question, Can You Forgive Your Cheating Spouse?

The first question I have is forgiveness. Its something, that at first, I would ask myself. How can I forgive? Did I really forgive her? What about the Other? Can I ever forgive him for the near destruction of my life, my family?

That question leads to the next thing I learned in life. Feelings. And how we all put way way too much importance on feelings.

Think about it. When asked "what is your purpose in life", how do you respond? Most people say, to be happy, I just want to be happy. Really? Thats it. Your purpose is a feeling? Your purpose here on earth is not a feeling. That's absurd. Your reason for being is not an emotion. You were not put here to 'be' your emotions. God gave us emotions as part of the human experience, but thats not who we are. We are not our emotions. We are so much deeper than that. We have emotions to help us experience this life and live it but thats not what is at our core.

Think about the last time you felt afraid, truly afraid. I remember walking into a dark basement, the cold creeping up through the floor and entering my body. The weird noises of the furnace. The creaking of wood from above. That feeling that someone is lurking around the corner. Have you ever felt this before?

Of course, we have all felt afraid in a weird, strange, dark place. Did you ever find a monster or serial killer or Freddy Kruger down there? Nope. There is just fear. And there was no REAL reason for it. Just an emotional experience. Yet we all see our emotions are absolute. Oh, I'm feeling sad, so I must be sad. Nope. Just like fear, your emotions can be wrong. They can fool you and deceive you. They can give you thoughts and conjure up things that are simply not there. Being afraid in a basement seems natural given the cues, but there is no real reason for it and it is really a fake feeling. Your feelings can lie to you.

My point is that we are not our emotions.

Haven't you felt that yearning for more. That feeling that you are something bigger than the things you look around and see. You go through life with deadlines, meetings, running from place to place, wasting time driving all over, then sitting at home and 'vegging out' in front of the TV.

But what about those movies or books that you love. Like 'Braveheart' when William Wallace stands up to fight for honor and justice. And I know you have your own moments, but thats when I know that I get a real glimpse of something bigger than me. Something more than a good 'feeling'. More than emotions. More than thoughts or random ideas, or notions that come across me. In those times, I can see the real me. The spirit me.

God has put a spirit in all of us, and those that believe know that God's spirit resides in them. But the distractions of life can make that a hazy cloudy view that makes it impossible to see. You know you have felt it though. I've had my moments where I swear I can feel God's presence. And in those moments, I'm not worried about my feelings or thoughts.

My point is, don't let feelings get in the way. Have them, then release them. Our therapist often says, "Many people come to my door and knock, I open it, but I don't have to invite them to come in and stay." The same is true of feelings, if hunger comes knocking, and its not time to eat you tell it to go away till dinner time. Yet if feelings of sadness come, we all want to open the door and let the darkness have its way in our mind.

The book 'Ways of a Peaceful Warrior' tells you to have emotions like an infant. Go ahead and cry, or get mad, then be done with them. Thats the way to live. Not stuck in feelings and wandering about your emotions like a wounded soldier waiting for help. Does a baby ever feel guilt for being angry. No sir. They get super mad, scream, then when done, go right back to their normal self.

But not us grown ups. We get to have worries on top of feelings. I'm angry but I shouldn't be, so now I will worry that I'm not expressing the correct emotion.

Or I forgave her but now I don't feel like it. Did I really forgive her? Shouldn't I be worried about that? No, absolutely not. So what if I don't 'feel' like it? Its just a dumb feeling, like being scared when you have absolutely no reason to. Don't let your emotions become The Boogyman.