One thing that was important after the Discovery, was for me to be completely honest with my feelings. Husband was very specific that I MUST NOT protect him from my feelings anymore. Not telling him in the very beginning that I didn't love him had started this all. I probably need to write more in depth about how we came to be together, I'm sure I will at some point.
But this is something I struggle with. During my time with the Other I turned off all my feelings about everything. If I was angry or unhappy with something Husband did, I would just swallow it, because, I wasn't in a position to complain. I had no right. Later, after he realized it all-he suddenly noticed I stopped fighting and disagreeing with him.
After the discovery it was decided that it was imperative for me to be truthful about my feelings, even if it was hurtful. I had so many feelings during this time that I felt like I didn't deserve to have. And when I'd get angry I was so afraid of saying something and then Husband throwing the affair in my face. It terrified me. But I still did it.
Each time it was like jumping into a freezing cold lake, I had to just close my eyes and do it. And after awhile I wasn't scared so much anymore. And he never did throw it at my face, and still hasn't. ..and, to be honest, I am still a little afraid that he'll get so angry that one day he will. But I know that is me not trusting or having faith in him, so I need to let that go.
And my point in this is that, no matter how awful you feel and how much you want to just give in to everything and always deny your feelings since you were the villain, you can't. Because then you are still building your relationship on a false foundation with faulty materials.
You're building that relationship with a ghost...its not you at your core and therefore not possible to build a strong and sturdy relationship. Being honest is being honest about everything, even if you're afraid and don't think you deserve to have your feeling. You must still put it out there. I'd like Husband's thoughts on this, but I think this help to prove that I wasn't hiding anything from him anymore.
Just a small thing I learned.
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My girlfriend and I are very big on communication. I would hear her friends consulting her for advice on how to deal with their relationships and wonder, "Well why the hell don't you just talk to your significant other instead of talking to my girlfriend?" I made it clear that if she couldn't come and talk to me then we will inevitably be creating a gap between us. Its like oxygen to the relationship. You can't survive without communication.
Good call, I really like the analogy of oxygen to the relationship. I just might steal that one from you someday ;)
Thanks
This is so true. I often wish my husband was a bit more open. There are times I feel as if he turns off his emotions. I know he does this sometimes as a result of his childhood, so it's something we have to constantly work on.
It is hard Sandy. Like I said, you really have to push yourself to do it.
After everything happened, I will be acting a certain way and know in my head what was going on and I'd have to stop and say...."Husband, I'm sorry I'm acting like this. Its because I'm afraid of this or that and because of what happened yesterday and its making me snap or whatever"
I think we often know why we behave a certain way, in the back of our head. We just need to peel back the layers and admit to it.
Communication is VITAL! It is the main thing that H and I learned from our visits to a counsellor after he found out about my affair, but sadly I was the only one that ever did the communicating. H avoids talking until he absolutely HAS to ... and invariably I've given up by then. You and your H have found something special again and your marriage will be even stronger. I know it.
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