Below was one of my first posts on my not secret blog... I suppose you may be able to kick me of out hiding, but ... I'm getting sick of hiding and if I keep hiding it means this thing still has some power over me.
I decided to move this post over, because I feel in order for a couple to move past the incident, its important for the transgressors to forgive one another, but even more so, forgive themselves. I know for myself, making a real mistake was unthinkable, to sin was impossible! When I had to face what had happened I didn't know how to deal with it. I think I put a protective bubble around me to keep it from crashing down on me. Sometimes it would threaten to fall on me, the full extent... I'd start to hyperventilate and Husband would grab hold of my face and say, "It will not crush you, I will not let this crush you."
For so much of my marriage I never felt taken care of by him, and here he is, in his most turbulent time, having been betrayed by me, and he is protecting me. But I think his protecting me, and protecting our family helped give him purpose and helped to him to heal.
And now for Crappy Little Gods, written shortly after the New Year. J, if you're reading, this one is for you :)
Crappy Little Gods
Right now I'm going to talk about redemption. I'm not talking about redemption from someone you've committed a wrong against but about forgiveness and redemption of yourself. I don't know about you but I've made mistakes and caused grave damage to people I love. I've done things and made mistakes throughout my whole life and I still beat myself up over them. As stupid as some of them are. Like the stupid tirade I went on during H.S. theater practice because I was angry how the cast was treating someone. I handled it badly and to this day I feel stupid about it. But I was 17!
How common is it for us to hold these stupid little moments inside us and go play with them during moments of sadness and despair? "Come here bad little thought, come dwell in my heart and make me feel stupid, like a failure, ugly, clumsy, what have you". And how many times have you been forgiven by others but not been able to forgive yourself for your own trespasses? I know this is my problem and I think I probably got this from my church of origin. I must be punished punished punished forever. But I've been trying to rethink this thought process. With the help of my Sage and Authors like John Eldridge I'm learning how it is God's greatest desire for us to live our life to the full.
John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full"
Eternal guilt and self-flagellation cannot co-exist with this, and if we truly believe we are forgiven of our sins once we repent, then who are we to not forgive ourselves? My Sage would say that we are being "crappy little gods" because we act as though we should be perfect and make no mistakes; yet that is impossible because of the nature of us. Only God can be perfect.
The awful tapes we play in our head, He would say that those words and thoughts are from "the thief" and are there to keep us from living up to our full potential. If we hold on to our dirt, our self-loathing and hatred, we give those events power over us and cannot move past them. They become what defines us. So it's time for me to clean house and find redemption somehow. This need for constant penance is so deep seeded that I think this will be a very hard process, but it must be done for me to ever be the person I'm meant to be and to live my life to the full.
For help try reading John Eldridge's book Waking the Dead, he gives such a different perspective on things...it's like washing your brain. :)
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19 comments:
Hello, I had a one day affair after ten years of hardly any closeness from my husband. Others tell me that he also neglected me and nullified the meaning of our marriage by not wanting to be with me hardly at all. I am sitting here crying days after we have decided on a legal separation because I cannot forgive myself or lose the memories of the actual experience with the man I did this with. I told my husband right after it happened as I am a Christian and I felt it was the honorable thing to do despite the consequences. His pain is terrible to see. I am so depressed I can barely function. I just don't know how to get past this. And he has been abusive, mostly verbally, most of our marriage and since this happened. This still is a sin against God and my vows and I can't forgive myself or stop having the terrible memories of the details of the incident with this man which causes me horrible pain. - Fanya
Fanya, I understand your pain. I was there two years ago, I was even there a year ago sometimes. Forgiveness is a long and hard process. Please go see if you can find a good therapist. It sounds like there are a lot of deeper issues in your marriage. That is one thing I learned, adultry is a symptom of a much deeper illness in the marriage. There is usually, IMO, something sick in the relationship-be it honesty, intimacy, interpersonal communication, abuse or any number of other things.
I'm here for support if you need me- my email address is listed on the side but you can also email me at peeringintodark at gmail.com
Give yourself some time and remember, above all, that we were given Grace and you must find a way to accept that grace.
Hi Scarlett, I am sorry for the very long delay in responding, I couldn't find your link! Thank you for your kind words. I cannot find your email here. I am doing better now...long story.
Thank you for your support,
Fanya
I'm glad you are doing better.
Fanya, I'm where you are. My husband didn't want me. All he wanted was his online relationships. When I turned to someone else I commited adultry and I've lost everything. My daughter is 25 and I haven't seen her since Christmas of 08. I lost her, my home and my 29 year marriage. Every day I pray it's my last. I know Jesus had forgiven me and I have a home in Heaven I hope soon. I don't think though that I will have another life like marriage. It's like I have something on me no one wants. I don't get asked out or have male friends. It feels like there is a wall around me that no one can get through or I can get out of. I know this sounds weird but then again I do have bipolar. Now it should all make sense. Thanks for the vent.
I'm so sorry for your pain Sandee- I hope you're getting help to make it through this. Find a way to move forward- keep on swimming.
Thanks Scarlett for your reply. I am doing a whole lot better. I have the good and bad days like everybody else. I'm at a good place now that I don't have to worry about walking on hot coals all the time. I hope you are doing great as well. God Bless You, SanDee.........
Thanks again Scarlett. As you know it takes small steps to come back up and that's what I'm doing. I guess my hardest part is trying to understand how me, Miss Betty Crocker, could fall so badly. But then the thought came into my mind of what makes me better than anyone else not to sin. God Bless you sister, SanDee.........
Thanks again Scarlett for posting from your heart. It's the tiny steps everyday that make the sure ones. My biggest problem was coming to terms that I sinned so badly but I know God spoke to me and let me know that I was not above doing what anyone else could do. God Bless You Sister, SanDee...
Tell me about it. I can't believe that I did what I did either. It went against everything I thought I was. That was when I realized that no one is above this, even if they proclaimed to be.
Scarlett, I believe we got separated at birth. I was raised the strictest of ways. I was actually a virgin when I got married at 19. Mom and dad said if I ever got pregnant before marriage they would disown me. My ex husband was the only one I ever dated. My self-esteem was so low that I thought I better snag this one cause no one else will come along. I really don't know how the marriage lasted as long as it did. God knows I poured everything I had into it. But it all seems for nothing when my daughter nor my ex-husband will say a civil word to me. Believe me they made my home feel like the loneliest place on earth. But I came out looking like a harlot. But I'm determined that the second half of my life will go out with a bang. I'm now doing things for people that appreciate me. I have a volunteer job that is the best I've ever had!!
Sorry to write so much but it sure was nice to read something similar to me and my mistakes. God Bless You Sister, SanDee.........
I'm glad you're powering through- I hope you have a beautiful future and use what happened to learn more abouty ourself. I know I did. :)
I myself have done some bad things, at such a young age of 16. Throughout this year, I told myself I'd have to develop my character and become a better person. But along the way, I've made the worst mistakes I'll ever make in my life. I would go around have sexual relations with a girl who has gotten around a lot. I was ready to take advantage of my father's ex girlfriend, only to find myself regretting ever having sex with her. There've also been other things I've done that are considered immoral. The worst part is, I didn't stop to think about my actions, I only acted on my impulsions. The only thing that started to make me feel guilty is when my then girlfriend questioned me about my sex life. A week before starting my relationship with her, I had sex for what would be the last time with the girl I had sexual relations with. I told the girl it had to end there, and that she should start becoming a better person by not doing these things with people anymore. That was on May 5th. Then on May 7th, I met up with my girlfriend, and we hugged and all, but we weren't really official in both of our eyes. Then, on May 9th, we began kissing again (we've been on and off all year) and we started our unofficial relationship. I told her we should start dating after school is over, so it wouldn't be in the way. Later that day, during early mother's day, I did something else really bad to my cousin that I can't really mention in open company. But, I was forgiven by my aunt on the same day. Two days later, my girlfriend asked me about my sexual life. I lied a bit about my first time and that's when I started feeling guilty for the first time in my life. Eventually, it all came out. The thing that happened with my dad's ex girlfriend (which he cannot know about because then he will have this girl arrested, I'd assume), my sexual relations with the girl, and what happened with my cousin. She's forgiven me for all of those things. But I can't seem to forgive myself. What's another problem is that my guilt has affected my physically as well. When I flex my arms, they shake. My heartbeat is heavy. And sometimes, my teeth chatter when I stand still. It's hard to forgive myself when there are also physical affects that won't seem to stop. I don't know what to do.
John, if what you say is true and you are as young as you seem... I think perhaps you might want to find someone professional to talk with. I wonder if you might have a sex addiction or something else going on here. Based on what you've written... it seems like you are going down a path. Were you taken advantage of as a child or a young person? I don't assume anything, but I think that it seems you are acting out because of something that maybe happened to you. It seems that your sex acts are a symptom of something bigger. Its really important that you recognize it as a problem now. you are young, now is the time to get in control, figure out what the heck is going on and then take control of it. Stomp it out until only YOU are the one in power and not your addiction/impulses.
take care, find someone to talk to and heal. Forgive yourself for the past mistakes and vow to get better. Good luck.
It's okay if you assumed. You're only viewing my situation from the light I was able to shed on it. I do not have any sexual addictions, I just did what I did out of my own impulses. It's something I chose not to take control of. I could've if I wanted to, but I didn't consider the consequences and acted on desire. Now that I have felt consequences such as guilt, I would never do it again unless the consequences aren't dire (for example, making love [not trying to sound vulgar or anything]). Seeking professional help is difficult because my parents would have to know about these things, and I'd rather just deal with this problem myself, since generally, there is nothing mentally wrong with me.
Well John, it sounds like you know what is going on with yourself-thats the first step. Being self-aware is a really big thing and most people don't have it or just ignore it. Now all you need to do is listen to yourself when the time comes at hand. Good luck making the right choice. If you should need more help let us know.
Yeah. I cannot believe people live their lives without thinking things like that through. I hope they can all be saved from their misdeeds. Another problem is that being positive about things and forgiving myself is hard because my guilt has also had a physical affect on me. If I flex my arms, they shake. My teeth chatter occasionally, and my heartbeat is heavy. I just need a way to relieve this in order to move on, I guess. Also, happy fourth of July to everyone :)
John, i'm sure on here somewhere I talk about techniques. But something you can do is really fight off the bad thoughts as if they were evils spirits coming after you. Odd as it sounds, its a little like warding. You push out the thoughts when they come, you come up with a different tape to play in your head, an affirmation of sorts, you even talk aloud -even if its just singing a song. i was told a long time ago that the spoken word is a great way to silence the voices in our heads. Maybe thats why the people with mental illness seem to talk to themselves a lot.
Anyway, you just have to fight the thoughts and if you have changed and you have been forgiven then who are you to not forgive yourself? Therefore you have no choice but to fight the bad thoughts that attack you. Right?
Ok, happy fourth to you too. I'm off to watch a movie :) but will check in tomorrow.
I read your blog and i cry, because I understand. I too had an affair because of what I perceived as disinterest from my husband after 5 years of marriage. I became pregnant and never told him. But the guilt ate at me until 6 years later we separated and he found out. But he forgave me and loves our son, and our relationship is stronger and better. But I sometimes ask God why, why was I that person who would do what i did, why couldn't i have done something else. and I feel so ashamed. But I know that God has forgiven me but some days are just so hard.
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