Starting from Zero

I've been talking with a friend recently about what happened. Trying to explain how we ended up ok and how we are making things work. Better than work. This is something I think was imperative that I learned.

We had to start from zero. We had to tear down every wall we had and come to each other with complete honesty. I couldn't protect him anymore from my feelings. I had to tell him anything.

I had always planned to go to my grave without telling him I never loved him. Even during the big confrontation and discovery, I debated in my head if I would tell him or not. I felt telling him would be selfish of me, it would be me trying to give a reason or explain what happened and I didn't think that was fair. Of course I was a coward and I wanted to give a reason. I felt small for saying it when I did...but I did. And in hindsight, I am glad I did.

When I told him, during our 36 hours of hell, it killed him. It broke him to know that. He couldn't understand how I had had children with him, how he hadn't seen it. How did he not known?

All I could do was shake my head.

During our healing I let everything out, I told him everything. I tore down the walls and was left there naked. Our therapist talked about having built a large house that was on a weak foundation. We moved from that crappy big house that was in a sink hole, to a piece of very stable ground, but now we were living in a tent. Drafts would let in and blow things around like our emotional storms, our sorrow, fear and sadness. But the ground held and was solid.

We lived in a tent while we built our house from scratch. We knew all along it was going to be better, stronger and more beautiful than our first home. Indeed, the first house clearly had termites, dry rot and black mold hidden in the walls. This house would be solid. Every piece formed and put in place together, with purpose.

We started from zero and rebuilt everything. Starting from zero means there is nothing behind you, and only the unknown in front of you. You can have that vague sense that things will all be ok, but you don't know how. So you are at zero and you go up from there. And sometimes, you may fall backwards, take some wrong steps and fall. But that happens. Our therapist calls it going back to the blast zone.

We had a huge bomb go off in our life, and we pulled ourselves from the wreckage and made it to safety, but sometimes we couldn't help going back and looking around at the old life that was now burnt and dead. It is habit-dwelling in our mistakes and hurts. But looking does no good. That place is over-it no longer exists.

I always felt such sorrow for Lot's wife who turned to look at her beloved city and was turned to salt. It seemed so unfair. I understood her need to look at the smoke and ruin. But it does only harm to go back inside the blast zone, in fact there are probably toxic mutants waiting to eat you (ha, I can be funny...sort of), going back there only serves to trap you in your past and those failings. Its imperative to keep your focus on the day you are living with faith in security of your future. Imperative.

I understand the need to learn from ones mistakes, but when you are starting new and being completely open and honest... I think you are insulated and protected from those mistakes. And in my case, I consider the person who made those mistakes as gone. I am not her anymore.

Even so, my therapist would say we are human, and will continue to make mistakes. It is our nature. He would tell me that sitting around trying to be good is me living in the flesh instead of living in the spirit. That its me trying so hard to sit in the furthest branch of the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, when I need to climb out of that tree and get into the tree of life.

I think what he means is that I have to let God worry about those things, let him live in me and rely on him to fight the fights for me. And I wish I could find a good analogy for the non-Christians out there, I know affairs hit across all faiths and cultures. But for now, this is all I've got.

So, as hard as it may be, keep your head up, your eyes forward and find the joy you are living today. Make an effort to be together and love. Realize, with the help of a guide, how to love each other. What you need to be to each other to love again. Remember what you loved in the beginning. Because, truly, you are beginning again. You can start over, so long as it is done so with deliberate action, faith and truth.